Jamster London

but needs more depth.

Which for a 1st draft really isn’t that surprising.

Very well written as is expected by such a good writer and hits all of the required points...

but needs more.

It reads really fast and clever - now the characters just need to come alive.

I feel that an opportunity for the dad to get involved is lost - plus the stakes/danger level should be much higher.

I like the 'twist' ending but feel a bit cheated as I believe Jenni would eventually realize she's been played and still come out on top - which can play with an additional 'twist' denouement after the present ending.

Overall, plenty to like about the story with masses of room to improve and develop - fingers crossed AS think the same - all the very best going forward with this project Lauri -

respectfully, Jim.

but needs much more character/emotional development.

I can see this as a potential sci-fi answer to Harry Potter with a lot of investment from the writer this can be the 1st installment of many, with an additional 6-8 pages of development, especially in the 2nd act.

I am pretty crap at grammar and certainly won't try and teach you how to suck eggs - however I know that sp's are by and large told in with an "active" voice so try and lose as many "ing's" as possible.

On the plus side the sp is a very fast read (always a good sign) and I can see it being a potential animation movie as well.

All the very best with your next draft - if I think of anything more specific which might help with said draft I shall pm you.

Jim.

J, I'll start by congratulating you on a very well written Rom-Com and for making the Dev. Slate - I fully understand and appreciate why AS felt it good enough to ‘option’.

The story itself delivers the usual genre beats and was a thoroughly enjoyable read and needs very little 'tweaking' in order to be shot.

In terms of constructive feedback/suggestions the main weaknesses for me were some moments of dialogue/tone - mostly pages 80-84 - just didn't quite feel right to me - especially the unnecessary use of the "C" word.

However, apart from that and a few other areas I feel this is definitely ready enough to attract some talent and to be shot shortly thereafter.

Once again J, many congratulations and all the very best with your project

- much respect, Jim.

Chris, I really need to re-read this in order to give you a more detailed review - however that in itself illustrates the problem.

I really wanted to like this but to be honest found it muddled, unfocused and lacking in clarity - sorry.

I even had to stop halfway through to get the energy up to complete - which for me is extremely rare and once again indicative of the confusion and because of said rarity I feel obliged to re-read in case it’s just me – lol!

The premise itself, although on first glance intriguing nonetheless has many 'logic' holes which in fact takes a bit of a stretch in order to make it believable.

It took me well over an hour to read which for me is a bad sign - although the description is over written - the 119 pages can easily be reduced to 108-110 just by tightening.

Chris as I say, I will re-read this in order to give you some specifics but as is - it really needs a lot of work.

However you say that it’s a 1st draft and as such you will know that 100's of hours of rewrites await you - to wit I wish you all the best -

Jim.

First, I must congratulate you guys on making the development slate - well done.

Overall I enjoyed the read - plenty of nice licks and dialogue, you certainly can write.

My main concern being your use of 'flashbacks' - especially the first at the beginning I found totally unnecessary and took me out of the story before it had a chance to get going.

I also found it difficult to follow a protagonist - as it seemed split and quite unfocused at times.

I also felt that the final sequence and denouement needed more work in order to pay it off - for instance you could have incorporated more of the times as the riot did die down once Rodney King pleaded: "can't we all just get along".

Which If used - with irony - will add some much needed pathos and increase the sympathy for Aaron - which is sadly missing at the moment.

But as I say - I did enjoy the ride and I notice that it is marked as: 'with permission' which, if granted I will be pleased to 'show' you the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Either way, in closing I wish you all the best with your project moving forward -

Respectfully, Jim.