J Writer

Hi Justin, I really enjoyed reading your script, I think it's a great concept with some really interesting characters. There are a few points that I feel need work on however, here are my thoughts on Cursed.

Here are a few typos that I found to begin with-
Page 9 - 'fool moon' , *full
Page 14- 'I've come to damn far' *too
Page 15- 'Where are my cloths' *clothes
Page 44- 'This time he kisses him hard' *she? *her?

-Okay now, the opening is brilliant, we as an audience are instantly thrown into Annabel's troubled world with the dramatic murder of her family. It was fresh, it was not predictable and it was shocking - a great way to instantly get the attention of your audience. Following on from the brutal opening, I really like the way how you move into her later life searching for the cure. I get a feel of action and adventure as she explores the caverns with Danny, an interesting character who I hoped would remain in the story until the end, which he did. My only concerns with Annabel moving on from a girl to a woman is the lack of explanation how she has survived so far? Maybe I missed it but I found myself thinking, how did she survive all these years? Where did she grow up? Would the police not have searched for her after finding her family dead etc. I think just a brief conversation or dialogue could answer a lot of these questions.

-There are a few parts of the script that I think you need to consider and make sure are believable. When Annabel meets Amad, he is described as having a wooden leg. But then he drags her away to safety and is driving a truck in the escape? I just don't think a man with a peg-leg would be able to do all of that, just have him with a normal leg and it saves all of the questions.

- I thought the scene on the boat was great. It was intense and it was definitely a great way to introduce Annabel's wearwolf side to Triston. I'm not sure that the boat would be able to navigate itself to the port with all the crew dead however, it might be more believable if it crashes somewhere on the coast near the port.

-You've listed the genres as horror/thriller and suspense, but I see this more of an action/thriller and suspense. There are definitely not enough horror scenes and your purpose isn't to scare the audience so I think you should change that.

-My biggest problem with the script is that the intro is great, quick and snappy dropping us into the action and perilous life of Annabel. And the ending is quite strong too, but I feel that the middle drifts a little and basically turns into a romance. I feel that you need to drop the romance and just go with the action. You can still have Annebel and Triston as close partners, but you need to find a way to shorten their character developments. The script is after all an action/thriller, not a romance, we need more action and more of the searching for clues. The pace slows right down in the middle and I found myself thinking where has all the action gone? This is what I feel would most benefit the story as a whole. Although who can complain about a nudest beach...

-I'm also not sure about the ending after Annabel has killed Danny. She has been trying to escape violence her whole life and when she has finally turned to a wearwolf that she can control, she still goes about killing them in the last scene. In reality, she hasn't achieved anything and is still a wearwolf. Maybe have all of the wearwolves killed in the final showdown with Danny, and then she is free to settle down into a normal life rather than a continuous violent one at the end.

I think you've got some great concepts here Justin, and you're characters are interesting and unique. I just feel as though the script needs more action, it's too torn between genres and I think that you need to decide which way you want to go with it. There's not enough action for an action film, but there's not enough suspense for a thriller. You definitely have a knack for writing, particularly action which I thought flowed brilliantly. And with a bit of tweaking in the middle, you could really be onto something. All the best for the future. Good luck!

Hi James,

First of all I don't want you to think that this is a negative review, I just think that there is a lot of potential in the script that you have yet to develop. Here are a few of my thoughts upon Seven Soldiers...

We all know the classic original but you've managed to update this brilliantly and feature 7 soldiers in Afghanistan who go to the aid of a town under threat by bandits and unable to protect themselves. The format was tight and I couldn't see any spelling mistakes myself, however I tend to just focus on the plot and any ideas that I feel could benefit the script (whether you chose to consider them or not). My first thought was that this is almost TOO much like the original Magnificent Seven, with bandits on horseback and the soldiers with basically only weapons to defend the village. I think that if you're going to go down the route of re-making a classic, then you need to update everything - more use of modern technology, maybe something different to protect rather than crops and also having the Bandits/Taliban in actual vehicles instead of horseback. It would help to update the premise and bring something new to the script.

I also feel that the story need a more believable reason as to why the soldiers are suddenly ready to give up their lives and head to a town that they have never heard of before. Everyone seems to ready to commit to the cause, and I think it's very unbelievable that the military would allow a small group of soldiers to protect the village - it would just be to risky. Maybe the squad could be a group of rogues in the military and go against direct orders to defend the town. The U.S army could not authorise the mission but they go ahead with it anyway. I do however like the scenes where Wizen is recruiting soldiers for the task, you manage to summarise the characters in just a few snappy dialogue lines or action quotes. I particularly like Dexter's character, as an audience we really get a feel for his hero like character.

You have a great knack for writing action and your action briefs quickly move the script forward, but I feel like some of your dialogue needs touching on a little. Rather than tell us everything that the characters are about to do, have them simply do it instead. There was also a flashback on page 32 that I think you should cut out until later in the script at least. We don't need to know already that he has faked being a real soldier, it would be better to unveil twists like that later in the story rather than straight away.

On page 5, you also have END CREDITS written? Is this a mistake or is this supposed to say OPENING CREDITS. You might want to take a look at that, also Courando's dialogue suddenly stops before they leave the mosque? Is that supposed to be like that or is his dialogue fade away as he walks?

One of my biggest issues with the script is that I feel there is just TOO much that is going on, we follow both the villagers and the soldiers issues. I think the script could be a lot tighter and more focused if you re-write the script and concentrate upon either the soldiers or the villagers. You could just stick with the soldiers and their experience/character development etc. as they deal with helping the villagers. At the moment I feel as though there are just too many characters we are asked to connect with, you could use one group as a backdrop for the development of the other group, or vice versa. I personally think this could create more drama and action, as one group (either soldiers or villagers) would not necessarily know what the intentions of the other group are (something which you pick up on in your story). I think you need to come down on one group and follow their path through the premise rather than try and juggle between the two, but the script still works in its current format.

All of my thoughts said upon Seven Soldiers, I think that you've got a good idea and a great knack for writing action in particular, but it just feels a bit lost and there are still a lot of ideas that you could develop to make the script a lot stronger as a whole. I wish you all the best with the future and I'll be sure to read any other drafts that you write in the future. Good luck,

Joseph.

Hi Michael,

I'll go ahead and jump through the boring stuff - I couldn't see any grammatical issues or formatting problems, it all looks pretty tidy to me. There may be one error that might have slipped past you right at the start however, page 2 - VERONICA 'He said eight o'clock and it's ten after' , do you mean 'and it's after ten?'. Just a small error, but apart from that I couldn't see anything else! Okay...

I think overall it's a brilliant script, a very heart-warming and well told story of an isolated girl in society who finds comfort and friendship in the most unlikeness of places. I'm a fan of stories that don't beat around the bush and I think that you introduced the relationships of each character perfect, we understand the mother's attitude right from the start by one line, 'I gotta get to work'. You don't waste any time setting the tone between mother and daughter. My only brief idea for the opening court scene is possibly having the judge comment a little more on why he is giving Sara the sentence that he does. He seems to be warming up to her and sympathising with her before he suddenly slaps a 15 year old who's crying in court with a pretty harsh punishment for smashing up a fountain, I'd expect it more likely be a fine. Maybe a little dialogue from the judge explaining how she needs to accept responsibility etc, however, these are just my ideas. Take them or leave them as you will.

A few other ideas that you may want to take into consideration are the following ( I always offer a few in my reviews, I hope that you don't mind).

A lot of the time on-screen the characters tell each other ( and thus the audience ) how they feel about each other. Glady speaks down the phone of what she thinks about Sara, Sara and Wendy are constantly telling each other how they feel and how close they are. I think that rather than them tell us, we need to see it more on screen. Subtle expressions or action directions are much more powerful than a sentence summarising how the character feels. For example, on page 15 when Glady picks up the phone after Sara leaving, you could simply have Glady looking at Sara concerned when she is walking away instead of the conversation on the phone. At the same time however, I realise that you want to build up to the revelation that her son is the Judge, but you could have Glady on the phone at other points in the script and we just don't fully hear what she is saying or who she is talking to. That's something that you may want to think about.

Another aspect of the screenplay that I feel needs more work upon is the tension or conflict that it lacks. You've definitely covered the emotional side of drama, there were plenty of scenes that it got emotional but I just feel like you need a bit more conflict in the play, possibly the mother could ban Sara from seeing Wendy and she could sneak out anyway, this could lead to more domestic abuse? Personally, I just feel like we need more conflict rather than all emotion.

I've noticed that throughout your script that the two teenagers swear quite frequently as the story unfolds. For example page 24, 'I can be a total bitch' or page 25 when referring to the nurses 'Total bitches'. I was asking myself is taboo language really necessary here? We need to sympathise with the girls and something so simple as swearing frequently can put an audience off. If you want to keep the swearing for impact then I suggest raising the two girls ages a little, but this may affect the legal proceedings for her whole court case all together ( I'm not sure how they work in the U.S ) . Also, the discussion about sex I think is a really delicate subject, especially because the legal age in the US is 18 and the two girls are far from it. I think that you should cut the scene out all together and forget about boys, the focus should be on the purity of their friendship and how close they have grown together.

All my points said, this is one hell of a draft! It definitely tugs at the heart strings, particularly the prayer scene after Sara's argument with her mother and the scene where Sara reads Wendy's journal were brilliant. I'm a 20 year old lad who doesn't cry at much but I really got a clear feeling of the hardships Sara goes through and if I saw it on the big screen I'd definitely be faking something in my eye. You have some really deep intimate moments in your screenplay and I feel that with a bit of added conflict, you could really be onto something.

It's been great reading your script Michael, I wish you all the best for the future and good luck with it!

Hi Lyle,

What a brilliant read! I've read a lot of scripts on AS and I can tell you that this is well above par (in my eyes anyway). I couldn't find any grammatical errors, it all seems fine to me apart from a few minor ones...

-Page 5 ... You describe a character's beard as Graying, but I think you mean Greying.
&
Page 14... She 'look' into his bedroom should be, She 'looks' into his bedroom...

But no major errors or anything. Right into the story!

I think the opening playful chase scene between Caleb and Elizabeth is brilliant, we know who they are, what their relationship is and what the powers are that they possess. And when they are discovered by a local we know exactly how the story is about to unfold, something that I believe is one of the most important aspects of a good film. I believe a particular strength of your screenplay is your dialogue, you've obviously carried out a lot of research before writing this.

Your historical references are all correct as far as I know (I'm currently studying the British Empire as University ) and everything seems correct. I can really get a clear image of where and when these events are taking place. I think some of the best dialogue exchanges are between Caleb and Jacob, you have to love a bad guy when he's so menacing and brutal like Jacob.

I feel that one of the main problems with the screenplay is making the distinction between Jacob and Caleb. Obviously they are completely different characters, but I found it harder to sympathise with Caleb once he began to use violence and even kill a Captain of a ship. You spent a time building the idea that Caleb is totally against killing people, also emphasised by his refusal to believe that his father killed someone. But then when it comes to it, Caleb suddenly torches a man without hesitation. I think that you need to find a way for Caleb to complete his goals without using violence, or at least without killing anyone apart from Jacob. I found myself questioning the actual differences between Caleb and Jacob... they both use violence and pirating in order to achieve their goals. In order for an audience to sympathise with Caleb I think that he should only kill Jacob at the conclusion to the film. But hey, that's just me! Maybe I'm sympathising too much with the British because I'm English myself.

That said, you've got a quality script here and a unique idea of a Coven upon the waters. The dialogue is superb and you've obviously got a good knack of writing. It's got everything in it to become a success, I think that there are just a few aspects of the screenplay that need tweaking. I wish you all the best for the future, good luck!

Joe.

Hi Zack,

I'll start by just quickly saying that I couldn't see anything wrong with the format, grammar of the screenplay except a couple minor points- Page 13 (Theo's dialogue) He says, 'Isn't it great!' but there needs to be a question mark in there as well following his rhetorical question. Also, I've been told to always put (CONT'D) when a character is continuing with speech so that's something you might want to check. That said, into a few more points....

The intro of The Henchman I thought was brilliant, you clearly set the scene and I felt like I could really understand Paul's character. It summarised his relationship with other people and demonstrated how he dealt with aggressive situations. I do however feel like there's a lot of extra weight that you don't necessarily need building up to the intro of Theo. He is the story, he is the start of the premise. We need to get to him as soon as possible so that the plot can begin to develop.

The characters Paul and Lena I think are too similar in the opening, they are both pretty much the same personalties. I know that they are together, and thus it wouldn't be strange to have too similar characters but I just think that we need something fresh from her character. Someone that maybe puts Paul under pressure to make more of his life, which is why he could ultimately take the job in the first place.

I also think that we need another scene in which Paul is thinking about taking the job or not. Maybe a quick scene discussing his options with his mother would help rather than him suddenly jumping on a Concorde to an unknown island. Just an extra minute or two to explain why he is going and what he has to prove etc.

I feel like the main weakness of this script is that I'm not entirely sure where it's going until around 50 pages later when the premise becomes clear and Theo's true intentions come to light. I feel like they're is a lot of build up and not a lot of pay off, especially in the destruction of Theo's mansion. There are a lot of scenes that don't do much for the plot and just seem to happen. It all feels a bit rushed, there's 80 or so pages building up the island and then suddenly in 30 pages he's swapped sides, joined the resistance and is bringing down a billionaire's complex. And the sudden end I was quite disappointed in, I felt like an audience would deserve a more concrete ending.

That said you've got some very interesting characters and a real skill for writing, I particularly enjoyed Theo's character I found myself siding with him (even though he's the bad guy) but it's hard not to laugh at his crude nature and total disregard for anything or anyone else in life. There's some very smart dialogue, particularly on page 23 that reveals both sides of Theo's character. There is a lot of potential in the characters, and you have a great style of writing action, but I just feel like the structure needs a lot of work and that you need to trim a lot of the fat from the script.

It was a very fun read and I wish you all the best for the future. I hope that any of my points or reflections helped you in any way and I'd certainly like to see a new draft of this script released in the future. Regards, Joseph.

Justin,
I really think that you've got a knack for writing about survival and adventure but there are a few points that I will comment on...

When I first heard a voice over I was already closing my eyes but was happy to see it was part of an introductory video of Jane. You quickly summaries her character within the first couple of pages which is brilliant. Well done with that!

I think that maybe Jane should actually want to go on the flying trip though so she doesn't seem like a complete super student who want's to be in school all the time. Her mother could be angry still because Jane agrees to skip school. But I understand that you want Jane's character to change at the end and stay a bit more bitchy nearer the start.

I'm not so sure about the whole parachute scene, I don't think a young teenager would be suddenly pushed out of a plane by her dad. There are plenty of crashes where not all of the passengers die so you might want to consider that.

If you do keep it how it is, I think that there needs to be more build up to Jane finding her father. It seems a bit rushed that she comes across him. He could possibly not be in the plane when she finds it but the finds the body elsewhere? ( I prefer the action in the woods ) but again I know that you want to concentrate on the contrast in her character after she is found.

I like that she comes across another character in the woods, but I'm not sure if Matthew should die. Maybe she should save him, unlike her father who she couldn't rescue, and then Matthew can be reunited with his daughter. Then her character also saves life other than just being saved.

I really liked the scene where she is talking to her deceased father, it reminded me of 127 hours and I really like the emotional value that it brings to the text. Maybe you should build more on this to show her character development rather than some of your scenes at the end.

Although the last few scenes are well put together and have some great dialogue, I'm not sure what it's all building up to. I feel like after her rescue everything else is an anti-climax and I'm not so sure that when she gets to the diner she would be getting a lift with a trucker. That girl would need a hospital, BIG TIME!

I really like the parts of your screenplay that are set out in the dangerous wild and personally I think that you should focus on that more rather than the casual existence after she is found. That said, it's a brilliant idea and you've got some great ideas to work with. Hope that helps! And good luck with everything Justin!