Spencer H. (Portland)

The first draft of Wedlock’d has great potential to be developed into something highly entertaining and memorable. Right out of the gate the first scene had me laughing out loud, and it was a fairly enjoyable read the rest of the way through despite a few pacing and structural issues. I thought the scenes were well written – clean and clear of fluff – the dialogue was clever, and the plot was good enough to bring about a few unexpected twists that led to some pretty hilarious conflicts. Overall, my thoughts on this first draft were positive, but there are some definite areas I feel could be improved to strengthen the story. The second draft should focus more on the following: character development, emotional impact, and larger comedic set-pieces.

At the opening of the story we see our protagonist Kristen having sex with a self-absorbed CEO in the back of a limousine. While the scene reminded me of the opening to Bridesmaids, where Kristin Wiig was having awkward sex with John Hamm, I thought your dialogue was pretty hilarious and it was a good establishing scene foreshadowing what raunchy humor the audience is in for.

Moving on to the set-up scenes, we see Kristen’s crappy day-to-day as a nail salon artist, driving in a pink escalade to the snobby housewives of LA. This montage series provides a decent means of showing what is missing in Kristen’s life but I found the dialogue somewhat stale and thought a bigger comedic punch was needed in these scenes to show just how bad her current life is.

Kristen soon meets up with her friend, Libby Stone, for lunch (this is the 2nd lunch for Kristen by the way, remember Yamishiro?). During lunch we are introduced to the main conflict of the story: Kristen’s parents are coming to visit and she’s not sure how to break the news of her recent divorce to her overbearing mom. While we get some traction here and an idea of where the story is headed, this scene needs to better establish the premise of the movie.

The premise of your screenplay is, as you put it, “money isn’t everything.” In my mind, it’s also about shedding one’s superficiality for reality, that is, losing the typical LA preoccupation with money, cars, and big homes to find real happiness with your TRUE self. I think you have a great premise by the way -- as materialism is ever-present in our society -- but you need to state it a little more forcefully during this lunch date, with Libby Stone perhaps being the voice of reason for Kristen. If she is the voice of reason we should hear Libby talking about how fed-up she is with Hollywood and how fake everyone is...which includes herself ironically, nicely foreshadowing the reveal of her being a lesbian at the end the film.

Often times we need people to help us find our true selves, which is the reason for Paul’s character, as he will act as the catalyst to help kick-start Kirsten’s transformation. But before getting into Paul, I’d like to see Kristen’s character get fleshed out a little bit more before the story gets going.

In my mind, we need to find out what Kristen REALLY wants to do for a living. It sure as hell can’t be a nail stylist--as this is a metaphor for superficiality--so what does her true self wish to accomplish? This might sound like a heady topic to get into for a romantic comedy, but let’s go back to Bridesmaids for a second and think about Kristen Wiig’s character. Did she have a passion or goal in life besides trying to find some rich snobby guy? Yes! Her passion was baking, and so her goal is to eventually get that start-up bakery back into action. While we never find out if she did continue her baking, Kristen Wiig did find someone who was genuine and appreciated her for being herself. The point here is that you can and should give your protagonist a realistic goal or passion to pursue, something that reflects the premise you are trying to explore.

Establishing a real goal for your protagonist not only provides direction to the story and gives your characters depth (which is greatly lacking in this first draft), but it also allows us to sympathize and connect with the protagonist (read: emotional impact). As of now Kristen’s just sort of a snobby nobody in LA as a nail stylist with famous and wealthy parents. Not many people relate to or like this person. Give her a unique and realistic goal, something we can connect with, as this will make us root for her actions throughout the story (A “Save the Cat” moment if you’ve read the eponymous work by Blake Snyder).

Now that you have some ideas on how to better develop Kristen, let’s talk about the reason for Paul’s character. First off, he represents someone who is genuine, someone who has found his passion at the expense of money. This is a nice polar opposite for Kristen to be attracted to and it reflects your story’s premise wonderfully. However, after finishing the story, Paul remains a one dimensional character. The reason for this is because he is essentially the same person from the end of the story as he was at the beginning; there is no CHANGE or transformation in him and so my interest in him is gone.

In your second draft you need to show distinctly how Paul changes for the better as a result of being with Kristen. Perhaps Paul is not confident in his work as a screenwriter, but Kristen with her type-A personality gives him the courage to finish the screenplay. You could have Paul (an aspiring screenwriter) and Kristen (an aspiring _____) end up mutually helping one another without fully realizing how much of a perfect pair they are.

However you want to do it, make sure to show how Paul and Kristen change for the better over the course of the relationship…this is not to say there won’t be any bumps along the way, as these are usually the most comedic scenes. One suggestion for Paul: don’t use the sudden reveal that Paul made it big and rich as a screenwriter for Spielberg. It completely destroys your movie’s premise, it’s very unrealistic, and it’s wildly anti-climactic! Be more subtle and clever when it comes to revealing his success. While money-in-itself is not necessarily a bad thing, you need to be careful how you express Paul’s monetary success in context of your premise (you might want to show Paul succeeding through other, non-monetary means).

Now as this review is getting pretty long (and I haven’t even got to the central conflict – sorry about that), I’m going to briefly touch on a few things I think you can better address in the next draft:

Make things get, weirder. Your story is B-movie funny right now, but you really need to build up some of your climactic scenes in Act II – specifically the golf scene. I was expecting the golf scene to throw everyone into the mix and watch disaster unfold, but what we got was a rather uneventful affair. Make some BIG and UNEXPECTED events happen here. You could really do some hilarious things with Paul pretending to be gay, and the rest of your cast of characters going on with this charade you have built. Take some time to develop this more, you need to show comedically the collateral damage from pretending to be someone you’re not (remember: everything is directed by your premise).

Moving onto the second climax of Act II, I was pretty disappointed when Kristen actually has sex with Donald – this took the wind out of my sails rooting for Kristen. I was confused as to why she so easily agreed with Donald that Paul was the type who would “pounce and bounce.” Her decision to immediately get back together with Donald sort of ruined the relationship she was having with Paul. While I definitely think she should be tempted to go back to Donald, ultimately she should not.

Other character notes:

Kristen’s father Lucas is pretty much a useless character – he offers nothing to the story thus far. Give him a good 1:1 moment with Paul at the golf event where he shares something about Kristen (under the guise of him being gay). Sort of a father to son in law moment that offers a token of wisdom (albeit humorous).

Kristen’s mom, Ruth, can be seen as the main antagonist of the story, as she represents the rich conservative who resists change and encourages conformity. What I don’t understand is why she would willingly eat the marijuana lollipop – how about she just happens to eat a lollipop not knowing it’s laced with marijuana? This would be much more hilarious as the audience watches her TRUE SELF be revealed (you could have a lot of fun developing this).

I thought Jennifer was a good villain as she embodies the superficial that Kristen is fighting against. However, she just sort of disappears at the end of the movie – very anti-climactic. There was a nice tension you had building up between those two, and they need to clash head-to-head one last time. We need to see Kristen triumph over materialism! We need to see Kristen defeat Jennifer!

Paul’s brother Frank is pretty funny, but what I don’t get is how the heck can he afford to live in LA? What does he DO?

Final thoughts:

The Act III Climax I thought was built up strongly – there are some unexpected twists that played out well according to your premise, and while I still think you can make this scene more comedic, it wrapped up nicely some of the loose ends of your characters.

As for Kristen and Paul’s relationship in the final scene along the Pacific Trail, this needs to be completely re-written. It’s mildly confusing, ultra cliché, and while hinted at in dialogue during Act II, it just seems sort of random for them to be out in the woods. I would have liked to see Paul take Kristen out to the Pacific Trail as they were developing their relationship in Act II – perhaps in lieu of them winning the duck from that vending machine game. I’m hesitant for you to remove the duck scene as it’s one of the few “touching” moments in your story, but perhaps you could have a similar scene play out when he gets Kristen to begrudgingly go out on a hike with him, he could give her a similar token of affection (something that is genuine, down to earth). Then in the final scene we should see Kristen finally feel at one with herself – being with Paul surrounded by nature (real vs. materialism). This final scene is a nice bookend to the movie, as it shows the dramatic change your characters have made over the course of the story.

Overall I enjoyed the first draft of Wedlock’d quite positively – it has a great premise, a strong logline, and I believe it has much potential to be developed into an A-List comedy. Let me know if you’d like more feedback as well – glad to help!

I'm confused. I read the latest Draft 3 version of the Touching Blue script and then I come to watch the test movie which was uploaded just a few weeks ago and its based on Draft 1!? What's up with that? I see that Draft 3 was uploaded before this test movie was posted, so I'm really interested in knowing as to why so much work went into making this test movie when a much better script is available.

Honestly Draft 3 is much better, it cuts off many unnecessary characters, sharpens the dialogue, heightens the drama and suspense...I hope that another test movie is made, perhaps on Draft 4 or Draft 5 because there is still work to be done. I will save my advice on how to improve the script in a thorough review of Draft 3, but for now here's my two cents on the test movie...

Because the test movie is based on an old screenplay, I can't really rag too much on the dialogue (awkward) or the storyline (choppy/confusing), but I will say that I enjoyed some of the voice acting (Blue in particular) and thought some was very uninspired (Taylor/Harry).

In terms of the story boards themselves I would give it an average grade. There weren't any memorable scenes or images that had a lasting impact on me, which is unfortunate for such a promising premise. How about the audience gets to see a first person perspective when Blue touches an object and sees the connection of that object to the individual? That is interesting and for the most part highly original. Not only will this enable the audience to experience what these powers are like first hand, but we will develop an emotional connection with Blue, we will be able to empathize with her situation and truly understand the positive and negative consequences that comes with her power.

There is so much potential with this story its a shame the artistic directors didn't depict scenes such as these that are visceral and unique, allowing us to judge for ourselves if these powers are really worth having. Hoping for another test movie to come out with some of these scenes included, but please hold off until a 5 star script is released!

Wow, what a good screenplay! I'm going to mirror the first reviewer and say once I started reading I was hooked and ended up reading to the end in one sitting (not a common feat for me when reading these Amazon Studios scripts). This draft has really been edited well; it's fast, focused, and packs a punch. The characters are well written with fantastic dialogue, scene descriptions are clear, and the subplots cleverly weave together to make a few scenes climax strongly.

And yet, after all is said and done, the movie doesn't really STAND out, if you know what I mean. Thus, only 4 stars instead of 5. In my mind, this would be the sort of movie you watch in theaters, then a month later it drops off from the box office and everyone forgets about it. It'd just be remembered as that summer movie with "those crazy dogs."

So, your script right now isn't by any means bad, it's actually quite good (as deservedly awarded by AS), but to make this film GREAT you need to heighten the drama, up the ante, create some truly compelling and twisted characters that come head to head reflecting your underlying theme of Religion vs. Evolution, Order vs. Chaos.

A perfect example of a character that could be more compelling is Bonnie. She is the central antagonist here, not the dogs, which are merely the embodiment or result of her "evil" nature. Bonnie represents the dark or negative aspect of our wild and sexual nature, she is at the base of the evolutionary tree (fantastic scene by the way!), and her motives seem to be based solely on her selfish desires, not on the outcomes of her actions which affect others. This is a solid villain, but in my mind, she comes off as too nonchalant; it’s as if her motives are simply “to fool around” and see what happens.

I’d like to see a more active, calculating, and twisted villain than one who is passive. While we sort of get that vibe from her in the final scene as she watches from the water, I think to myself, well that’s just from the movie Wild Things. In fact, the whole teacher-student relationship is reminiscent of Wild Things, but that movie is only memorable for its shock-value, not its strong premise which your movie could be remembered for.

So, if we’re thinking in thematic terms of your premise, Order vs. Chaos, what’s the best way for Bonnie to show contempt for her enemy? In my mind Bonnie’s main enemy is not her husband Jim (who she has already corrupted/destroyed), it’s Terry, her high school lover’s mother, who represents religion and Order. You had a great set-up scene with Bonnie and Terry in the principal’s office, but these two never come head to head again, which needs to happen (maybe a few times). After all, it was the principal who said that Bonnie needed to resolve the situation (which she never does). I think in Act 2, just as the dogs start their attacking spree, or when Dan basically tells his mom to F-off, Bonnie arranges to meet Dan on her mom’s bed and go at it. This should be the most sexually explicit scene in the movie, as we finally see that they are in fact having sex, and moreover, it is Bonnie who is on top, she is the one initiating and fulfilling her selfish desires, she is the one who suggests they run away together, she is the one corrupting all around her …

Even worse, perhaps Terry will walk in on them having sex on her bed. This is Bonnie’s way of saying F-You, literally; she’s not going to follow anyone’s rules but her own.

However you decide to resolve the conflict between Bonnie and Terry, in my opinion they need to meet head to head one last time. In the end, once Dan has been fully corrupted by her, he should be killed by the rabid dog Gretchen as Bonnie escapes unscathed. This not only reinforces the theme of everything she touches becomes destroyed (chaos), but it also shows her utter disregard for anyone but herself.

Following this logic, it's not too hard to see that Bonnie in some ways personifies the devil herself. So instead of 3 rabid dogs, there really should be 4, as this could be a subtle connection to the four horses of the apocalypse. Gretchen, of course, would represent the pale horse, the last and final, the most dangerous of them all.

This review is getting rather long, and I could go into more detail on improving Jim's ending, expanding Officer Mercer's role, etc., etc., but I will leave you with a few final thoughts.

First, the fact that these are "drug-sniffing" dogs should come to fruition meaningfully in the screenplay. Perhaps Bonnie is abusing drugs, it could be one means of corrupting Dan. Just a thought.

Second, Jim needs to come out changed for the better. We need to see that he will get his act together, instead of reverting back to a useless drunk. Perhaps Mercer could get him to rejoin the police force in some way, perhaps a love interest could be hinted at...or maybe you want to leave it solemn/ambiguous, this might make Bonnie's actions more foreboding.

Third, the title needs to be changed. At first I thought upon reading the title "Origin of a Species" that there was going to be an actual new species terrorizing humanity. But really it's just a bunch of rabid dogs, so that was a minor confusion. I would make the title less grandiose. While I get the connection to Darwinism and survival of the fittest, it's really not that fitting here and is too blunt. The title could simply be "Rabid" or just the name of the lake or the wood your story takes place.

Well, that's it for now. Overall it was a solid screenplay and congratulations once again on your win. Wish your script the best in its future.

Not sure if it's just me but I can't get excited about a story with an antagonist that's a gargantuan anti-grav ship called "Overlord" run by an Artificial Intelligence named "Patton" that tries to launch a global nuclear war via its "automated umbilicals." In a word this story is absurd. It seems like a wildly contrived blend of 2001: A Space Odyssey with the supercomputer HAL and the movie Terminator with the defense system SKYNET that succeeds in launching nukes around the globe. The key difference from those movies and your story is that those movies have emotive consequences with a well explored central theme, of which your story has none of.

Now with these pitches it's important to identify your premise, that is, after boiling down everything else, what is the kernel theme you are trying to explore and make a statement about. Interestingly, all of these pitches have different themes despite being set in a not too distant technological future, and yours seems to be exploring the consequences of following orders vs. using your own judgement, which is actually a very interesting and strong theme.

On the one hand, you have an autonomous robot that by its nature is designed to execute orders without question, and on the other hand you have human soldiers, who have been beat down into taking orders, but can never fully escape their existential reality of choice, free will, the ability to disobey. This is a highly relevant subject in lieu of the Guantanamo fiasco, reminiscent of the Nuremberg trials and explored in the Milgram Shock Experiments, a haunting revelation of the human psyche and what makes us commit atrocities by following orders when we know they are morally wrong. Now, ask yourself, does your story explore these topics? The clear answer is: No, not even close. Instead you have a very generic action movie with a completely absurd antagonist. What you need are well developed characters that personify the core subjects of your theme.

Now if your hero is going to be the old, grizzled vet Magnus Jones, he should at first be portrayed as one who follows orders without question. Connor, his younger counter-part, could be the one who is more inclined to disobey. The climax of your story needs to come down to Magnus Jones faced with a single question: to follow orders or not? If he doesn't follow orders he will have changed for the better, realizing his morality supersedes the orders from a hierarchy. If he does follow orders he should die as a result of it. In this case Connor will become the true hero (and get the girl - which, by the way, was never closed in your story), for he is able to break free from following orders like a soldier or a robot.

I think it would be interesting if you had someone in your story who is sympathetic towards the defense program Patton, perhaps it could be the tech named Frank or some innocuous character who designed its code and is revealed to be a megalomaniac. That would be a unique twist, as he covertly works against the team so Patton can access the nuclear launch codes.

In short, your premise has solid potential, there are many ways to show the pros and cons of taking orders or using your own judgement, but I don't think this first draft you have shows any of that. Your antagonist needs to be redesigned completely (think realistic) and your main characters need to be more developed, they should personify the theme you are exploring.

I hope you take the time to work some of these suggestions into your next draft and give it your best shot.

I'm a firm believer in constructive criticism and honest feedback, so please take that in mind for this review. After reading through your script twice this is how I feel: if you are serious about advancing to the next stage in this competition you need to completely rewrite the plot you have now.

First off, you need to really identify the thematic core of your story from which every plot piece, character dialogue, and thematic metaphor resonates from. Because really, what is the central theme of your story? All I got was "Robots are Bad, Humans are Good." I think you tried to say your central theme at the resolution of the story, when the president vapidly talks about "the need for diplomacy, for human involvement in foreign affairs." I mean, who doesn't agree with this? Why should this bland statement be fully explored in a movie? There's nothing controversial or enlightening about this statement, and therefore your entire pitch falls flat.

Some of the other pitches have strong themes such as, “If people don’t have to risk their own blood, then war becomes all too common," or another exploring the "moral ambiguity of technology." These are interesting topics and are especially relevant in context of the current geo-political atmosphere, i.e., US drones monitoring the Middle East, China's rapid military-tech advancements, etc. If you can really establish an impactful central theme you can grow your story from there, because currently your story is too expansive and too bland, not focused and poignant as a solid theme should be.

In the beginning I thought your story would be centered around the environmental impact of technology, and perhaps the polar bear caught between two fierce nations at war was a metaphor for the environment being destroyed as global superpowers fought for resources. Or maybe it was just a damn polar bear having a bad day.

If you wish to stick with the US vs China topic, perhaps your central theme could explore the tensions for Chinese citizens in America or vice versa. Maybe Col. Amy Jackson or General Hawk could be of Chinese descent, and despite their highly awarded past are suddenly not trusted by the US government and imprisoned for fear of espionage. You could then weave a technological thread through the story which explores the dark side of drone technology when government's go unchecked. It's your story - just make your central theme INTERESTING.

Once you are set with an interesting central theme your story can flourish from there. But please, please, don't be so formulaic in your pitch. You need to shuffle the deck. Not every time the heroes destroy an enemy should the mountain collapse and they escape just in time. You used that twice in your story.

Hopefully this gives you some ideas where to go next in your rewrite. At the end of the day its your story so be sure its a story YOU want to tell. Something you are passionate about. Because if its not, the audience can tell, and your story will be boring. Think bold and unique - Good luck.