Jared Sears Walpole

The premise is a strong one and the story gets better as it goes along. The beginning was a little weak to me. It wasn't until sometime after page 30ish that I started to get into it.

Eli's death came across as detached from the rest of the story. Whether he lived or died didn't really matter to the story as his role was over and he wasn't a part of it anymore.

Early on the story seems jagged and jumpy. It cuts from scene to scene without much of the deeper story building. I would like to know why she left her kid and had a whole big life and only cared abou ther kid when suddenly she was put into an orphanage. Seems strange to be traveling around swingling people and living it big while not sending money back to your family/kid and then suddenly be mad that the kid isn't being taken care of. I would like to see more of their cons early on as well.

I liked the first stagecoach getaway scene and the action with the fireworks, that will be nice up on a screen.

The story of the crimes at the orphanage is when we finally get some emotion flowing into the story.

The dialog when Cassie find Muriel seemed too short. I think the orphans wouldn't be so trusting with everything they've been through. Make her prove to them in some way that she isn't another bad person. Also add some tension to the scene with how Cassie barely makes it out with the kids.

The original scene with Ma Barker seemed so short and didn't really give the reader a good connection with Ma and the girls. Yet Ma shows up later and saves the day after just that little scene. Ma gives her life to help these girls with only that initial tiny scene to setup this massive bond... that first scene needs more.

The cliff jump into water is very cliche for an old west flick. That isn't necessarily bad or good, but figured it was worth noting.

Ben visiting Cassie seemed too short. She is in there for like 10 seconds when they say to wrap it up. Prisoners get more time than that. Pull some emotion out of Ben. Overall, all of Ben's appearances are very short so we don't get to become attached to him or feel that he truly loves this girl.

The ending was very nice. I actually liked it ending with Lizzy dying, but I can see that getting to find out how the daughter turned out would be a big win to a lot of viewers. It is always more powerful when a main character dies at the end like that and is reminds me a bit of True Grit.


Lizzie and Cassie oddly enough were the characters who I felt were the most bland. All of the support characters like Eli, Ma, Victor were all well written and interesting. The girls just come off as just any other girl, I'd like to see more character to them and their dialog.


Truly overall it is a solid piece (obviously since it got to the semi-finals) so there isn't a whole ton to say about it. A few more tweaks and I could see this making it to the finals.

The premise has promise. It has a solid underdog story built into it. The biggest problem right now is the first 50 pages don't have the emotion, they don't make you start wanting Eric to win. Also Eric needs to be the focus of this, not Blake.

Once the roses get thrown away and the tension that follows including the accident, the skating without the gloves, the quitting etc., the emotion starts flowing in. It just needs to start flowing in a lot earlier.


The scene where Devin refuses to sign the poster seems unfinished. Seems there could be more to that scene.

The scene with Preacher and Blake arguing. Blake is so defiant and determined to make a point and give up on Eric and then he just instantly fizzles out and the scene ends. Doesn't feel right.

There is just not enough drama in the final race of Eric's, needs more suspense.Think about the movie Rudy. Early on you see how much he loves the sport and how everyone he knows is telling him he can never do it. He tries and tries, but everyone keeps telling him it is impossible. With your story we don't get that. Yes, we know he has Autism and that makes life difficult for him. What we don't get is all the people telling him it is foolish to try and impossible. We don't get that feeling of him beating the odds.

The start is solid, although possibly too standard. By that I mean it treads a well worn path that many comedies have gone before. It also goes exactly where you expect it to and see all the jokes before they happen. This in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing as I can't think of more than a few movies that don't follow the same paths and even fewer comedies that do it differently.

Originally the main character comes off as someone that Will Ferrell would definetly play. However, I don't think you fully embrace this and it tapers off as the pages turn. As a quick example take the scene from the end where Bobcat is getting prepared for battle. He fights off laughing when the feather is going over him, but that isn't what should happen. He should laugh and flail around before saying he's sorry and to go ahead. Then he should laugh again after Lizzard Eye look annoyed and then restarts and say something like "Sorry, Seriously this time"

The first 50 pages the comedy shows up when and where expected. After page 60 though there is very little comedy and it just turns into a regular story. The comedy should be picking up as the pages turn making the audience laugh harder and harder instead of falling off.

You have all the makings of an inept guy goofball comedy, but then at times you get too sophisticated for the audience. As one other person noted the Haephaestus statement is one example and another is: page 96: "As in Shakespeare's Danish prince?" it would likely go over better with the audience to simply say "As in Shakespeare?"

Other notes:
page 90: lose the "TED - I don't know how you figured this camera out on your own... and then saving us from am almost certain death - " doesn't seem real.

Page 80: "So you look like a tracking number of some kind" seems kind of odd for him to say that out loud and comes of as directing the audience. Since the website is visible how about something like "Let's see what this could be"

Page 46: After finding out that Scott may have killed Bobcat and has taped evidence of himself being involved, Dave says "You set me up you goody little bastard!" I would expect harsher wording than "goofy" at a moment like that.

Bobcat snaps out of his drunken useless self too quickly after the plane crash. Ted should be forced to carry the weight for a while with Bobcat pointing out the things he is doing wrong until he can't stand it anymore and has to take over.

Some typos (there were some more but these are the ones I wrote down):

Page 1: Ted Wilson is first introduced and should capitalized

Page 3: "until his attention his..." second his should be is.

Page 8: "... shakes his head as he though he's made.. " first he shouldn't be there.

Page 29: "She is wears a pair of long...." wearing

Page 41: "...coming through just feet a way..." away

Page 57: "...there outline..." their

Page 60: ".. his bandaged floats up..." bandage

Page 60: "... back as if if the..." need to get rid of an if.


Summary:

You have solid writing skills. Most of the time it didn't feel like I was reading a screeplay and rarely was I pulled out of it by bad dialog. The premise itself is very solid and I could see it being on the big screen tomorrow with Will Ferrell in the lead roll.

You need to embrace the character and really get all the comedy out there. Since this does follow such a standard goofy comedy format, it needs all of the jokes. I would suggest at least considering going outside of the standard format and taking some chance to really make it feel fresh, but it wouldn't be necessary as it is a solid format that tends to work.

Work on the ending half of the script and find more ways to work more jokes in there.

I will start by saying that I suspect your native language is not English. This is not in any way intended as an attack, and if it is correct that your native language isn't English, you've picked the language up very well. The problem is there are words that are used incorrectly through out the script and phrases that don't come out right that seem like they are written by someone who's writing outside of their native language. For example, you continually type ".. on his hand" when you mean to say "... in his hand". Example - "He looks at the paper on his hand". There are other phrases in which this happens a lot like glass "scattering" instead of "shattering". Unfortunately I suspect this will hurt you in this competition as it makes parts harder to read.

I found a lot of typos/grammatical errors in the script. Originally I was going to keep a list and post them here to help you find and fix them. It turned out there are some on just about every page which made the list too long. I would strongly suggest having someone who has a strong grasp of English to do a full read over and highlight/fix all of the errors for you. It will help the script a lot.

Also I had an issue on some lines where the formatting was causing the words in some sentences to be so squished together they were hard to read. I would suggest not doing the Justify text option and instead just align left to avoid this.

The premise is very strong. I've always enjoyed movies which blur reality and fiction for the characters in order to keep you guessing. As an example, I was amazed the first time I watched Donnie Darko with his mind distorting reality and the quirkiness of the movie all around.

Also the idea of Daniel getting lost in two paths and needing to try to figure out which one is the truth is a great addition to the premise. I think this idea could be incoporated better. As it is The Cyclone just kind of pops the alternate ideas in Daniel's head from time to time. I think it would be more powerful to show Daniel going through each path and then use that as to why there are two Daniel's in the maze and force them to fight/figure it out on their own without any interference.

Overall the dialog feels a bit weak. What you want to say is there, but it isn't spoken in a believable way. Also, with the exception of the cyclone, none of the characters have their own voice. All of their dialog is written in the same way. Find a unique voice for each character and really pull it out on the paper.

In the first few pages Daniel seems to be the one that understands the drug the most and is teaching Albert. However, a few pages later (when they start to plan to use the drug on Sara) their roles seem to reverse and Albert starts teaching Daniel. Make sure to use the same one as the knowledgable one through out. For example. Albert has to remind Daniel that he is already injected after they inject the girl. If you are worried about the confusion for the audience, earlier when the two of them are about to try out the drug for the first time have Daniel say something like "We have to be sure, there is no going back after we do this. The drug will be in our systems and we will be forever linked."

Early on you do a lot of explaining, more than necessary, about the drug and how it works. It comes of as the characters explaining to the audience. Instead transform it into more realistic banter with pieces of how it works included and let the audience put it together in their heads. Example:

Daniel
The drug makes you act as a medium between my senses and my mind. It gives you the abilitiy to modify and data delivered by my senses before it reaches my mind. You can modify the scene, add and remove anthing. Make me see, hear and believe what you want me to.

Instead try soething like:
Daniel
Remember, you are the one controlling what I am seeing and feeling... (Daniel runs his hand over his dry shirt) ... FEELING. My shirt is dry. All of the details have to be exactly right, otherwise my mind will know it is being tricked.

Change up the action wording a bit, you use words such as "stares" "gulps" and "sniffs" a lot. Use some different words to make the actions seem different from each other. Also, something I am going to be working on in my own script after reading some others and a tip I'd like to pass on to you, try writing the action parts more for the reader. Instead of saying something like Daniel opens the door and enters the room. He sees Albert sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. Try something like. Bursting into the room, Daniel jumps from surprise as, out of the corner of his eye, he spots Albert staring at him from a chair.... Try to make the actions flow more like if you were reading a book. It helps get the reader into the story and pulls him out of the mindset that he is reading a screenplay.

When Mia starts refering to herself in the third person it gets very confusing.

Another very confusing moment was the first car chase scene. The cars are so close that Mia can throw a glove at one of the men? That seems odd. I understand the point of her losing one glove, to highlight the fake from the real later on, but the scene itself is odd.

The Cyclone:

This character could be incredibly memorable with some work. The instant mood shifts, the comical Jester like dialog when he is happy compared to the dark dialog when he gets angry. Him playing a game with all involved. He could truly become a character that people talk about as they left the movie. Right now though his dialog needs a lot of work. It isn't fitting his character well enough yet. He also needs less deaths/not deaths. That is the type of moment that will be good a couple times. However, it currently happens a ton of times and it gets too predictable. I also think him offing people at will is a bit overused. A few times it is ok, but in some scenes it doesn't actually add anything to the scene. An example of this is once Arthur and Daniel are told they are going against each other and Daniel notices a van following him so The Cyclone basically says "I'll take care of that" and the van gets in an accident. That doesn't add anything to the scene and could be cut out completely to make the plot flow better.

Another fun moment for me was when Arthur thought he made Cyclone's men go away with his thoughts and there was silence, but when he poked his head up they all started shooting again. It was a good moment of comedy to contrast all the seriousness around that time.

Once things start going crazy and Daniel starts confusing truth with fiction it actually gets too confusing. You want a certain level of misdirection to make the audience have to think about which parts are real. The problem is it goes way too far and it becomes tough to follow exactly is going on, where everyone is and what is happening for a good 50 pages. I struggled reading that middle section and trying to keep the story straight in my head while trying to follow the characters. I think part of this is also due to the English issues.

When Daniel gets to Sara's parents house the story suddenly starts coming together and the story itself is written well. As soon as I started reading those scenes I wished the previous 50 pages or so were written as well and in that style. That scene in the house is really one of the best in the script and should be used to help guide other changes.

The maze scene could be another amazing scene. Currently it comes off as a little silly at parts. It should be a fearful crazy confusing moment. That feeling is stopped by Sara's voice over and Arthur's comments of what about me? and Sara replying well life isn't fair. The sarcasm and slight joking there just doesn't fit. Make the voice overs ONLY heard by Daniel and it instantly gets better. I also think the action sequences in there could be rewritten a little better. I really think the maze scene could turn into a major highlight in the movie, it just needs work.


Overall the premise is great. The parent's house scene shows how good the script could be and the maze shows the potential of the script. I think there are too many/too long of care chase scenes and I think the middle of the script is simply confusing. Make each character have their own voice and make sure The Cyclone's voice is extra special and that his two faces are highly contrasted. And finally, I'd suggest changing either Albert or Arthur's name. Having two names so similar and starting with the same letter can add confusion easily.

With some more work this could turn into a very good mind bending adventure.

I will try to keep this short enough for it to be easily readable and will save the longer version for when you pop up on the script club soon.

The beginning of the story is strong. The guys heading into the woods with all kinds of gadgets, the one guy with his nightvision problem. The suspension and shock as the guy stops running, everything pauses, and then he is dragged away is nice and really sets a good tone for the start of the movie.

Trasition into the naked lady in the woods is a nice touch and makes you have to decide if she is the beast since the guys were making it seem like it would be Flint. However, I think this scene is a little too brief, but that may be due to the transitions. Also her dialog seems a bit unreal here.

I think the courtroom scene should start on here and then "zoom out" to the rest of the courtroom to provide a smoother transition from her naked in the woods.

I like her partner right off the bat. He is a nice contrast to her seriousness.

The problem is that the middle is so long with so little story progression and little fear/action. I think you could cut out several parts of it and actually end up with a smoother story with a more solid pacing throughout. Due to your starting with so much excitement it really makes the whole middle seem to drag on.

I think it almost hurts the story for Eric and Perry to start going their own ways so quickly. Their characters together really make for interesting dynamic, but then suddenly they are seperated for a long time and start to not trust each other. Perry and Flint together are too similar of characters and don't make for as interesting of a read.

The ending is ok. I think having two unclarified character endings is too much. It would be better to fully disclose the information on Flint, whether he was a beast or not, and then leave Perry open ended or the other way around. I'm also not sure that from an audience stand point the ending felt proper. All of this beast fighting and then one beast just dies (fairly easily) and Flint just up and stabs Perry out of no where. It just didn't feel like the ending I'd want after watching the whole movie.

Also the second half of the script had a lot more errors in it than the first half did. You may want to give that a good solid once over just to catch the typos/mistakes.

Overall I could enjoy the movie if it kept truer to the beginning of the script and the middle wasn't so long and slow. After reading the first few pages I thought I was about to get into a real scarefest with an unseen beast and I was all ready for that, but then it turned into more of a slow thriller when I was all ready for horror.

I put a much longer review on the forum thread so I will put the shortened version here.

I do think that people are seeing something that I'm not seeing due to the 5 stars and the review that followed mine on the script club thread. I do think it is a solid premise and it can be worked into a nice script, but I do not think it has reached it yet.

Overall I think with some parts reworked, the dialog refined, some of the jokes tightened up a bit and the love scenes improved, this could be a very interesting piece of work. It has an interesting premise with a private eye who is killed and then sent back to earth on a not so pure mission from Heaven.
The fact that he is part dog along with all of the little dog quips made by all of the characters and his horniness/humping/doggy style jokes make for a good level of humor that carries throughout. Having him be a womanizer adds to his character and the fact that he finds out the mission is vengance and not some higher/purer reason, but still carries it out for his own interests all give him a unique feel.