Paul

This version has typo/grammatical corrections to the previous one (a heavily revised version). I'm re-posting my previous review but excluding my comments regarding the typos/grammatical.

I’m not usually into Family scripts but I have to say, I really enjoyed this one. The author has a talent for writing. So much so that I think he should consider penning a children/teen book or two. His screenwriting craft is excellent: tight but visual descriptions, good action, use of present tense/active voice, good tight dialogue etc.

The script started with a super first page, really grabbed my attention. It’s crucial for a script to have a killer first ten pages, this script does.

The script has lots of great elements, including:

We have a magical necklace with amazing powers (including invisibility, protection, teleportation) and a kid (Allie) that doesn’t know how to harness it. She has a love interest (Daniel) who’s somehow tied up in things. Then we have the dark forces, Strayers etc. Throw in a missing mum, questionable friends, some historical/mythical elements, lessons in friendship, amazing creatures and powerful adversaries.

…plus a twisting plot, great action, good dialogue and excellent writing makes for a damn good Family script

I also like the end, which sets a sequel nicely up.

The characters are well crafted and, for a Family script, there’s plenty of emotion.

Overall, excellent Family script. I could see kids really liking this and for parents, who often sit in on the movies, this one is a movie they can actually enjoy too.

I had a tough time with Bikini. I thought the premise was great but I had a very difficult time with the script. I’ll obviously explain why within this report.

You can definitely write well and as a writer you have potential but Bikini needs some work. I am sad to write that I gave up on page 25.

General screenwriting advice says a writer has 10 pages to impress the typical pro reader (employed by studios, agents etc). If they like your first 10 pages they’ll read on. If they love your script they’ll recommend it for consideration by their bosses, the development execs etc.

So ideally you want a killer/exciting first ten pages.

Bikini doesn't have that yet.

That’s minor for me though. I don’t mind if you don’t have a killer first ten pages as I had intended to read the whole script. My concern was that I gave up on page 25 or so. The chief reason was that I found the script very confusing… Eg within the first 25 pages we had multiple scenes at Robyn’s home, gym, bridal shop, NASA conference room, lab, arcade, pier, loft observatory, shuttle area, a missile impact etc. I honestly didn’t know what was going on.

Eg why did the missile impact? Is a huge comet heading towards Earth on a collision course? If so why has the press not gotten a hold of the info, particularly if we are slamming missiles into the approaching object? Why was the crate levitating? You can’t just include a levitating carte without any explanation what-so-ever, well you can but it’s very confusing for the reader. Since Robyn was trying on a wedding dress I presume she’s getting married, but at only 16 – surely a tad too young? At her age, I’m sure her parents would be fighting against her decision. Why does James give Chum a ring? Why do they start acting like 11 year olds as opposed to 16?

Others are going to feel lost too and simply give up reading what could (and probably is) a great story.

A key thing that will help: you need to give Robyn’s mum and dad a name.

I didn’t link Robyn’s father to the Chief NASA Engineer because you referred to him as two different and distinct characters. You can’t just have…

CHIEF ENGINEER AS FATHER
(whisper)
I love you.

…a few pages later linking the two, it’s not enough.

Don’t confuse your readers, give her father one name and stick to it. We’ll know he’s a senior NASA engineer by how he acts and what he says at NASA.

Also some of your scenes are flat, unexciting - that turns readers off.

You want to only include scenes that push the story forward. If a scene doesn’t do so, we’re supposed to cut it. Ditto if a scene has no conflict or excitement.

I didn’t see the point of including the magnetism lecture scene, it wasn’t exciting, had no conflict and didn’t push the story forward. You have to be very careful of including unexciting and uneventful scenes with no conflict that don’t push the story forward, particularly early in your script.

I would probably cut the RAF rescue launch model scene down somewhat, it’s useful as it gives you insights into Robyn’s parents but it’s not dramatic and doesn’t push the story forward. I also didn’t get why it was the RAF, as in British Royal Air Force, as opposed to the USA’s Air Force since Robyn’s dad worked at NASA.

Because of all the jumping around and extreme confusion on my part as to what was happening, I gave up the read.


Other things
------------------------

On page one you introduce Robyn and her parents. It would be nice if you included a line or two description for each. Eg an excellent script I recently reviewed introduced two characters with…

CASEY BRENNER (27), tall, lean, classically beautiful young woman with gorgeous brown hair, and a pair of haunting eyes that could melt your heart. Standing next to her is --

LEANNE BOWMAN (25) sassy, more provocative of the two girls She has wild, red hair, cut short on the neck. She sports some flashy earrings, a low-cut top and some tight jeans.

I liked what you did here on page two:

A soviet GYM TEACHER addresses three swan-like 16 year-old gymnasts. DAKOTA, sports elaborate braids and is proud of her North American ancestry. PEARL, of Spanish origin is lithe, has big blue eyes and shiny jet black hair. ROBYN has a tight smile that reduces the visibility of a correctional brace; a pretty girl, the ‘girl next door’ type but with attitude.

…but ROBYN should be in title case as you have already introduced her (page one)

In her face the teacher breathes in deeply from the diaphragm.
... from his? diaphragm.
... just "breathes in deeply" would have been enough

A few of the Student’s hands rise into the air.
... would be fine: A few hands rise into the air.


PHYSICS TEACHER
Watch.
<<<missing line break here>>>
The ROD drops it onto the floor with a CLANG.
Hands James the IRON ROD.


The ROD drops it onto the floor
... The ROD drops onto the floor

PHYSICS TEACHER
Stroking the Iron-rod with the magnet James
... since the whole class is present I would exclude "James" and address that statement to the whole class

SUPERVISOR
Crank this thing up to max. I as much as you would love to see this thing move.
… “I as much as you would love to see” doesn’t sound authentic to me

OBSERVER #1 raises hand. Motions to let clock run.
... Motions to let the? clock run.

Observer #1 raises thumb
... Observer #1 raises his? thumb

up the table to the Top-brass #1.
... up the table to Top-brass #1.

The Top-brass #1 slides the “R”
... Top-brass #1 slides the “R”

Chief-engineer and Technician nail down the lid onto a crate.
... nail down the lid of a crate.

On page 19 is Robyn getting married? Surely she is very young to be getting married.

SOON LATER
... just use: LATER

BRIDAL SEAMSTRESS
Flattering. Eventuates the curves.
... I think you mean: Accentuates the curves.

Eventuates
Verb:
Occur as a result.
Lead to as a result: "circumstances that eventuate in crime".

accentuates
Verb:
Make more noticeable or prominent.



Robyn drives; the DRESS BOX rests on the rear seat. It sports a custom alloy STEERING WHEEL and FLUFFY DICE.
... The dress box sports a custom alloy STEERING WHEEL and FLUFFY DICE???
... "It" would refer to the last element noted, ie the dress box.


on page 20 why is James giving Chum a ring? I have no idea why.


ROBYN
It’s a good job I know you’re crazy sense of humor.
... you've


Personally, I didn’t consider the following exchange to sound authentic for NASA personnel to be saying:

SUPERVISOR
G-17 gets the go-ahead for their propulsion system. They’ve poached the funding.

CHIEF ENGINEER (O.S.)
Poach being the operative word.

TECHNICIAN
Those fly-boys will have aliens coming at us if they use those glowing lollipops. Gives new meaning to “In space no one will hear them scream.”

SUPERVISOR
If you boys could get some juice out of that thing you’d still have a job.

TECHNICIAN
And the alternative?

SUPERVISOR
Working “Coffee-Ops” on level one.


LAST WORDS
-------------------------
Your writing has potential and the premise for Bikini is excellent.

I think Taken Hostage is good at present, not very good.

One of the biggest distractions was that you had a lot of typing mistakes and the script has not been carefully proof read. That either says you didn’t have the time to do so or don’t care about your script: either way, it’s kinda of a slap to readers spending the time reading your script when the author hasn’t properly proof read it themselves.

I noted ten plus typos in the first 10 pages and simply stopped noting them down at that point. So you will have more than what I have noted for you.

The good news is that I thought your characters were good, the dialogue for the most part authentic and your storyline was well thought it. The fake Agent Cooper subplot was well done. Your ending was particularly good: with Sarah in the last 25 pages or so defeating the fake Agent Cooper, the PI hired by Masters, Jack and Donny.


MISTAKES
-------------------------

She pops open the blue cars smoked glass hatchback
... car's

two handfuls of groceries
... armfuls?

She scrolls thought the phone list
... scrolls though

Standing at the front door, arms full of groceries, Sarah is
too nervous to find right key.
... to find the right key.

DET. SPENCER
This maybe just a prank or maybe they skipped school.
... may be

SARAH
Mark loves school. He would never skip never skip school.
... Mistake: never skip x 2

INT. MASTER’S HOME DEN - DAY
... would it not be: MASTERS' HOME DEN - DAY, or is it: MASTERS'S HOME DEN - DAY

At his girlfriends house.
... At his girlfriend's house.

SARAH
555-2555 call me and I will get you you’re money.
... your money.

DET. SPENCER
What hell are you doing?
... what the hell are you doing?


Voiceover (V.O.) is used when the character is not present within the scene, but can be heard via a mechanical device such as a telephone or radio. It is also used when a character narrates parts of your story.

So…

MARK
(voice mail)
... MARK (V.O.)

JOSH
(on phone)
... JOSH (V.O.)

HELEN
(on phone)
... HELEN (V.O.)

BRANDON
(on phone)
... BRANDON (V.O.)

etc



PREFERENCES
---------------------------------

Typically you don’t have INT. SARAH’S HOUSE KITCHEN - DAY

…but rather

INT. SARAH’S HOUSE / KITCHEN - DAY

INT. SARAH’S HOUSE HALL - DAY
… INT. SARAH’S HOUSE / HALL - DAY

But some would use your way. For clarity I separate the MAIN / SUB using a "/".


SUMMARY
---------------------------------------
The mistakes really put me off what is obviously a good script.

I’m not usually into Family scripts but I have to say, I really enjoyed this one. The author has a talent for writing. So much so that I think he should consider penning a children/teen book or two. His screenwriting craft is excellent: tight but visual descriptions, good action, use of present tense/active voice, good tight dialogue etc.

The script started with a super first page, really grabbed my attention. It’s crucial for a script to have a killer first ten pages, this script does.

The script has lots of great elements, including:

We have a magical necklace with amazing powers (including invisibility, protection, teleportation) and a kid (Allie) that doesn’t know how to harness it. She has a love interest (Daniel) who’s somehow tied up in things. Then we have the dark forces, Strayers etc. Throw in a missing mum, questionable friends, some historical/mythical elements, lessons in friendship, amazing creatures and powerful adversaries.

…plus a twisting plot, great action, good dialogue and excellent writing makes for a damn good Family script

I also like the end, which sets a sequel nicely up.

The characters are well crafted and, for a Family script, there’s plenty of emotion.

Overall, excellent Family script. I could see kids really liking this and for parents, who often sit in on the movies, this one is a movie they can actually enjoy too.



What would I improve?
--------------------------------
There are a number of typos in the script (I have listed all I found here). I also have a few sentence/dialogue suggestions. These are all minor things.

I can’t really recommend improvements to the characters or storyline because the author has done an outstanding job already.



List of typos and sentence/dialogue suggestions: all minor stuff
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

( SENT AS PM TO AUTHOR )

The Utah Murder Project deservedly placed again in the Best Script Contest.

The author writes extremely well. He has a good visual style. He writes in a way detailed enough for us to feel within the scenes and part of the action without being verbose. Too many non-pro screenwriters write in a very verbose style (more suited to novels), Eric doesn’t – he’s got a screen writing style. Like most pro-screenwriters he also keeps his writing in present tense and active voice which makes for an exciting read.

The dialogue is for the most part effective and authentic.

Utah’s characters are interesting and original. They’re also evoked well, eg:

CASEY BRENNER (27), tall, lean, classically beautiful young woman with gorgeous brown hair, and a pair of haunting eyes that could melt your heart. Standing next to her is --

LEANNE BOWMAN (25) sassy, more provocative of the two girls She has wild, red hair, cut short on the neck. She sports some flashy earrings, a low-cut top and some tight jeans.

Great stuff.

The author’s obviously spent a huge amount of time crafting this script. It’s seasoned and professional stuff. He’s also spent a lot of time on the plot and storyline. It’s very well crafted with some great twists. I highly recommend this script.


WAYS TO IMPROVE/CORRECTIONS
It’s tough to recommend ways for Utah to be improved as it’s a very polished and effective script already. It did have a few minor mistakes which I will point out. I think the storyline and characters are excellent as they are.

Corrections needed/advised (all minor stuff)

When the landlord spoke I thought some of his dialogue was too expositional, eg:

LANDLORD
I'm no cop, but if you ask me, I think whoever was here was looking for something.

LANDLORD
I get it. Official police business. I'll be outside if you need me.

Ideally I would cut Utah from 117 pages to 110. I say that because it can be daunting starting a script over 110 pages and some readers will simply not give it a chance. But since you’re already placing in AS, it’s obviously not a concern here.

Sometimes you write things that cannot be shown, most pro-writers would exclude such things, eg:

De Santis pockets the cell, calmly rests on the edge of his brother's mattress and concentrates, putting all the pieces together.

The severity of the situation hits De Santis like a sack of bricks


It’s unnecessary to have the following 3 lines in a spec script, save it for the shooting script:

ROLL TITLES:
THE UTAH MURDER PROJECT
END TITLES

De Santis slowly awakens from the driver's seat.
… awakens in?

Chief Tucker steps in, shuts the door.
<two line breaks here (on PDF), should be one>
Piker still going at De Santis.

They're saying it's even possible he even up and left the city
... “even” used twice, I would reword

De Santis follow his lead.
... follows

You regularly use O.S. for voice calls when it should be V.O.

Eg Matt Carless’s screenplay format guide says:

Off Screen (O.S.) means the character is physically present within the scene, but can only be heard, e.g. they are speaking from an adjoining room.

Voiceover (V.O.) is used when the character is not present within the scene, but can be heard via a mechanical device such as a telephone or radio. It is also used when a character narrates parts of your story.

Check any format guide, they’ll say the same thing. You have made the O.S. mistake in 25+ lines. Also this, although not a voice call should be V.O. too--

ROXANNE (O.S.) She just sat there for what must've been half an hour or so, staring out the window...

Roxanne pops a smoke in her mouth - lights up as she stroll to her car.
... strolls

She reluctantly begins toward it but still cautious of her surroundings.
... but she's?? still


SUMMARY
A super twisting story line, well written with great characters, plenty of thrills and emotion, and good dialogue. Highly recommended.

Bounty has plenty of potential but you need to revise it somewhat to get it there.

It’s a very tough read at present, not a pleasant or a fast read. I’ll explain why shortly. Let me say that I can tell that you can write well, but screenwriting requires a different style, one most new screenwriters don’t understand fully.

Firstly, correct your formatting mistakes. Professional readers (including those at AS) will be put off by formatting mistakes, a few are ok but not a lot – your script presently has a lot. But they’ll be at easy fix.


Formatting mistakes
---------------------------

I’ll give examples of the keys ones below…

(INSERT): OPENING MUSIC; TITLE: THIN LINE
(INSERT): OPENINING CREDITS
… not of the above belongs in a spec script

FADE IN: 2 DAYS EARLIER (BURNS INTO THE SCREEN)
TWO MONTHS LATER BURNS TO THE SCREEN:
… the correct format is SUPER: 2 DAYS EARLIER

Character introductions. When you introduce a character for the first time their name should be in capitals, sometimes you do this, sometimes not. By not doing so, some will infer you don’t care about your work. Others will infer you don’t understand this basic formatting rule and won’t give your script the time it deserves.

Eg

Sideskie is a large black man, built like a line-backer.
Not very attractive to look at, maybe late twenties
… Sideskie should be in caps

Lancaster is perched at the far end of the counter, plate
full of pie in front of him.
… Lancaster should be in caps

Curiously, sometimes you have names in dialogue in uppercase, you shouldn’t, eg:

SIDESKIE
It was that stupid asshole CARL.
Sheila knew Carl all to well.

SHEILA
Yeah I know that fool. LANCASTER has sent me for
his ass more than once.


You have some missing line breaks, eg:

JACK
(pointing to the window)
Um . . . Boyd.
Boyd turns to see his fully naked wife giving him the
finger from their bedroom window, then vanishing into
the darkness.

There should be a line break between the end of the dialogue and the action.


Sometimes you include parentheticals within dialogue in the wrong place, eg:

RENYOLDS
(holding up a finger)
Excuse me one second. . . .(talking on the phone)
. . . . Reynolds here . . . . Yes . . . . I
understand . . . Yes . . . I'll take care of it.

… (talking on the phone) is in the wrong place

JACK
(hesitating)
Um. . . . Sheila, sorry
about interrupting “Tickle Me Pink”,
but I have some real bad news. . .(BEAT)
Lancaster has been in an accident. . .
He . . . . He's dead.

… .(BEAT) is in the wrong place, it should also be in lowercase


Your use of “. . . .”…. Quite a few times you use 3 to 4 full stops each separated by a space. I have never encountered that before. 3 full stops is fine (it indicates a beat) but not with spaces separating each full stop. Just remove the spaces.

Use of phones
Stick to a consistent standard. Sometimes you have:

(on the phone)
Or .(talking on the phone) etc

I always try to stick to one, personally I use:

(into phone)


If you correct these issues, it’ll improve your script’s readability a lot.


Other things to be address
---------------------------------

The hot summer sun beat down on SHEILA BRADNEY
... should be beats, not beat. I’m just pointing this one out because it was on the first line. Ideally try to avoid any mistakes within your first ten pages.

Yelling over the hood,
... (yelling over the hood)
… it’s not necessary to repeat it twice


You frequently write facts that cannot be easily shown, eg:

through a broken window in what she assumes is the living-room.

Since there’s no way for the assumption to be shown on film, it’s not necessary to include it in your script.

Script logic
---------------
Check the logic of your script. Eg Sheila is “a small built woman” but she’s able to put Carl’s unconscious body into the truck of her car. Yes it’s possible but you might be missing something by not showing her trying. It would be entertaining to watch that on screen. I think you should include it. It's obviously 100% your call.


Use present tense and active voice.
-------------------------------------------
Remember to use present tense and active voice. The most frequent problem I find with most AS scripts is they use past tense and passive voice. You need to use present tense and active voice. Have a look on google, there are dozens of screenwriting articles that address both and how to implement them.

Eg all of this is past tense and passive voice. By using both, it makes things very unexciting. It’s crucial you make your script as exciting as it can be…

An inspection to see if he was still alive, Sheila found
herself chuckling again as she looked at the black and blue
sphere marks that now covered Carl.

In and out of consciousness, Carl felt as though he was
being drug across the ground in slow-motion towards the
very Impala he had placed a few carelessly aimed shots into.
Sheila places Carl's limp, hogtied body into the expansive
trunk of the car, then enters the driver seat and turns the
engine over until it sputters to a deep, throaty roar.

The same for this:

Boyd comes to and bites the first man's hand, causing him
to begin beating Boyd with the butt of his gun..

etc


Final words
---------------------
Remember, Bounty and your writing has plenty of potential, you just need to sort out a few things…

I would also encourage you to read some Hollywood scripts (many are available for free on the web) and these excellent scripts on AS:

The Roof by Alex Greenfield et al
http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/8095

Dead Reckoning by Lauri
http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/10962