daniel m. constancio jr.

This story has alot of potential. It's main objective explains the concept of Psychics.
I found it interesting. But, with much to offer, sometimes defining subjects does not
necessarily carry a story.

Inciting Incident: I found it difficult to identify. (Usually, the antagonist lets the Hero know
something is about to happen). This wasn't clear.

Plot Point One: There was a Plot point one: Yet, it was a bit watered down. (When a Plot
begins the story, it tends to bring the Hero into action). This was a bit
naive.

Midpoint: I read a midpoint, except, it happened again with a slow pinnacle. It should happen
on page 56. On page 56, they were in a room discussing pictures. This was
not too intriguing.

Plot Point Two: The second Plot should push the Hero into a circumstance where a Hero must
confront the conflict, with extreme prejudice. There was a minimal Plot two.

Climax: As any B rated screenplay, it was what it is. I found it usual, but the same.


Here how's I believe you could have attacked this screenplay.

Inciting Incident: Killer sends Ito a box, to introduce himself, while at the same time visually
sending a psychic message to Sera.

Plot Point One: Killer allows Sera to see how he will kill them all.

Midpoint: Sera gets to a sciance (not to sure about spelling) and sees her dead sister and gets
warned to avoid this investigation.

Plot Point Two: Killer kidnaps every psychic and tortures them, while allowing Sera and Ito
to track them down.

Climax: Sera brings herself to fight her fears, using anger from the horrible death of her sister
to kill the Killer.

Daniel M.

Like all screenplays, Grammar is apart of all stories.
But, as Gotham Writer's handbook states:

"Screenplay writing is like poetry, except the writer has a license to
actually bend the rules of grammar." Page 191

So, with this said, "I believe everyone shouldn't worry/be concern about
proper grammar, so long as it moves us, emotionally."

I have to say, this screenplay has been through some heavy rewrites.
Lee should be complemented on reading details to where things need
work, but, like all reviews, everyone who says this/that should be changed
actually doesn't make or contribute to the formula to story-telling.

If the formula foundation is correct, then the reader will instantly
realize the idea of the writer. It isn't so hard, but it isn't so easy.

Lee, if you really want to find out why your climax isn't dynamically duoable,
is because you haven't asked yourself the question:

"Did Mica really get satisfaction from destroying those Androids?"

I hope this review offers much to understanding how important the
structure is, rather than the dialogue/character.

Daniel M. Constancio Jr.

INVERSION:

INTRO: CHARACTER SET UP good.

PLOT POINT ONE: QUINCE GOES BACK TO 1933, WITH TROUBLE TO RETURN FROM HIS
ACTIONS WITH GLORIA. HE IS SET FOR TERMINATION.

MIDPOINT: QUINCE HAS TO RETURN TO 2168, SINCE HE IS DESTINED FOR EXTINCTION.
(TROUBLE WITH HIS EASY TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE ISN'T REDEMPTION FOR
CONFLICT)

PLOT POINT TWO: QUINCE HAS TO RETURN BACK TO 1933, BUT ELIMINATE HIS SUPERIORS.
(AGAIN, NOT ENOUGH CONFLICT TO SET HIS REDEMPTION)

CLIMAX: QUINCE GOES BACK IN TIME, BUT GOES BACK TO THE FUTURE AFTER A SECOND
OF DIALOGUE WITH GLORIA AND GYLES. HE RETURNS AND LEARNS GYLES HAS
BEEN THERE ALL ALONG, IN THE YEAR 2168
(THE DESTRUCTION OF T.E.D. DOES NOT SIGNAL A CAUSE FOR HIS ACTIONS)

COULD HAVE BEEN MORE ELUDING WITH SECRECY...

DANIEL M.

The overall review on Gladiators versus Zombies, goes as follow:

As I mentioned earlier, the Intro of this screenplay's descriptive method is wonderful.
But, somethings do need attention, some parts need more and some parts need less.

Pg. 4. Emperior Flavius explains to his wife.
Idea: It doesn't sound too much of a attitude. Usually, Emperor(s) are arrogant and
snobbish with their thoughts, unless one provokes them. Nevertheless, they are more
selfish with devulging their thoughts to their wife.

Pg. 5. Using professional standards are fine, especially when voicing one's opinion in a
situation, pertaining to the story.
Idea: Perhaps, one could use a character to exclaim the incredible event at hand.

Pg. 9-10. The "ACTION" is well written for the lounging room, when Lavinia entertains the
fighters.
Idea: The incredible scene where a hostess entertains others is for expression. The dialogue
for this scene slows the flow of that particular event.
Perhaps, by having the Gladiators shouting at each other for entertainment/amusement could heighten the moment of luxury. A point to avoid "redundancy" would be when Lavinia talks to Titus, then the scene goes right into the bedroom.
BEDROOM SCENE: To ENTICE the VIEWER to get emotionally aroused for "her" lust for this magnificent fighter. It could have been more cleaner and intellectually stimulating watching a lusty woman seduce the man with fine wine, special gifts and lusty moments of a sponge bath while Titus watches her and her maidens bathe her. It far better to pamper the viewer's curiousity.

Pg. 35 Zombies attack in the Senate Chamber.
Question: Why is BOKOR standing with the group?
Idea: A solution for BOKOR acting as nothing is happening, with him stimulating nothing to the situation. Couldn't BOKOR walk toward the Zombies using his powers to manipulate the zombies for his use? As he did before, with the WOLF...

Pg. 41. Hermann is helping everyone up a ladder or over a wall and Bokor surrenders his hand for help.
Idea: Would it be too much trouble to have BOKOR refuse Hermann's hand and cause a situation for the group. BOKOR is walking around with people, making him appear weak.
It would be more intense if BOKOR resisted all along.

The rest of the story goes okay, but some more ideas are listed below.

One idea: BOKOR's Character foundation.

The Witch Doctor who appears distant from the moment he is introduced in the story. He doesn't raise hell and simply follows along like a stray dog. Once in awhile, he'll make a scrappy comment, but nothing worth while.
Perhaps, a backstory for the magical queen, **(it does sounds as if he is a queer with no attitude and if one goes that way, it may work better). So, to add to this character situation, it could be stronger, if one could exploit his magical powers throughout the sci-fi action. BOKOR could have strong magic to bring the group to difficult situations. (I.E. Making scorpions appear from the wall and attack the escaping group). BOKOR should press the action against the group. To make them think twice to keep him along. This would weigh on every move the escaping group tried when BOKOR forces them to reconsider having him tag along.

Daniel M.

Upon the intro of the story, I found many ideas hazy. I had to keep reading to discover different paths of a interesting story about an extra-terrestial life force existence. The thought of mystery fills the dialogue and how it reveals itself, is still a mystery to me. I would still like to read it over to get a better perspective, on "how a baby attains it's own life force."
I hope that the title doesn't lose meaning to other readers, because it is an example for many Sci-fi writers.

It does good to read something interesting and I found it interesting how
great thoughts can influence imagination.

I found only one thing that may be a minor point to the screenplay.

The "time" it takes for Clara to get back to Devon's starship.
It was still above the ice.

I had hoped it would be a great sequel continuance.
I guess my suggestion will help the writer.

Good luck,

Daniel M. Constancio Jr.