Semifinalist: Best Script
At Amazon Studios
Latest Work
Credits in 3 works
Scripts
| Credits | Works | Average Rating | Downloads | Date Created |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Writer |
America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String Paul's 1st Draft (Script 87) |
No rating
|
8 | 01/31/12 |
| Writer |
ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators Paul's 1st Draft (Script 83) |
4.0 stars
(1)
|
12 | 08/31/11 |
| Writer |
The Hour of Temptation Paul's 1st Draft (Script 2) |
No rating
|
8 | 02/17/11 |
About
For anyone considering giving up their job and starting over in Hollywood, I may be seen as either a cautionary tale or an inspiration. It's too soon to tell. I can honestly say that this is how I want to spend my life. The day-to-day uncertainty of gigs is how a lot of people cobble-together their lives out here, under the shade of the Hollywood Sign and the marquee of Grauman's Chinese Theater. I suppose the inception of the idea to take the plunge was something that I heard Shane Black say at the Austin Film Festival a few years ago: "You can tell people that you write movies but then if you tell them that you don't live in Los Angeles they look at you kind of weird."
Reviews Paul Has Written
The Diamond Ring, A. M.'s 5th Draft
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
The Diamond Ring (v.5 PDF)
July 06, 2011
Steel Eyes, Richard's Original Draft
1
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Steel Eyes (pdf v.1)
June 23, 2011
Hey Richard:
Congratulations on a Top 50 for this–think this story could easily advance as is.
Once again, I don’t have much in terms of a line-edit.
This reads as a well-polished, professional script.
PREMISE
4 STARS
The only reason it’s not 5 stars is because it feels a little bit too much like BLADERUNNER to me.
And that comparison runs through the whole script–which is a shame–or not. Some readers may enjoy the comfort of such an easy comparison.
Also, I include the title as part of the premise, and STEEL EYES feels a bit off key–more like a title for an episode of WILD, WILD WEST than TWILIGHT ZONE.
STORY STRUCTURE
5 STARS
Beats were hit.
Thoughts were expressed.
Exposition was handled with grace.
Reversals manifested.
CHARACTER
5 STARS
Nice bit with everyone telling Joe that they thought he was dead. Good work.
My gripe here would be that the name “Caine” is overused in fiction.
And Chevy and all General Motors references felt anachronistic.
But those questions personal preference as opposed to character motivation and credibility.
DIALOGUE
4 STARS
Some of the references felt a little off to me–and I think this goes back to General Motors (GenMo) and Chevy–although it may not be fair to ding dialogue for that–that is where these things are heard.
Also, as I mentioned in character–the running bit with people telling Caine that they thought he was dead was a nice bit.
And I wondered a bit about some of the parentheticals–felt that some of them may have been too restrictive or maybe just a little off.
And I wasn’t thrilled with the old joke at the very start which referred to Disney characters.
EMOTION
4 STARS
This is the most subjective rating–because–technically (in terms of hitting the beats structure-wise) the ramping-up to a happy ending was there.
And it was cool that the hero was a ghost within in a machine, so to speak.
And it was smart to end with that epiphany.
So, I wonder if that led to a kind of disconnect for me–because it feels like the essence of the hero’s being has been reduced, as it were, to a brain in a jar.
It reminds me of something from a Vonnegut novel–a line about people being nothing more than a collection of chemicals in a test tube.
And, as cool as that thought may be, it does limit the emotional component somewhat (not teary-eyed ending for me.)
READING NOTES
P1. I’m a little concerned about the reference given to Mickey, Minnie and Goofy (copyright concerns freak me out.)
P15 wonder how else this could be worded “Die, phony man!”
P21 now/Now
pp28-30 nice scene (exposition well executed)
p51 (random thought, not related to page number)mwonder if GenMo could be reworked (think the reference to General Motors may not work very well)
Also not crazy about the character name “Chevy”
p62 Cain/Caine
p63 bottom of page–got a bit lost in the foot chase–evidently the android failed to recognize that it ran back toward the human
FINAL THOUGHTS
STEEL EYES is a formidable contender for the June, 2011 sci-fi contest, and I’m vexed as how to beat it (from a purely selfish POV.)
It’s a well-polished story with a happy ending.
And that–in terms of Hollywood–is what it’s all about.
My concern is that the story, as is, may be a bit too novelistic for some readers, but that’s an aesthetic criticism more than a structural one–let me put it this way–STEEL EYES works as a well-told story–it just may be an “over-told” story in spots.
However, unlike most stories that are “over-told” in spots–this one reigns itself in at 97 pages.
A lot can be forgiven if a script is only 97 pages.
Another concern–this one–far more nebulous and vexing–regards theme. My take on stories like these is that the author poses the question: “What is it to be human?”
And then goes on to explore qualities that define humanity.
And, the irony, is that machines (or aliens or half-humans) display more humanity than humans.
And that is where the moral lesson is learned.
Age-old storytelling that flows like clockwork.
Since that theme is so familiar, the bar has been set pretty high. I was teary-eyed when, as a kid, I saw STAR TREK II and Kirk eulogized Spock: “Of all the souls I’ve ever encountered, his was the most...human.”
Heartbreaking stuff.
As was Rutger Hauer’s soliloquy in BLADERUNNER.
Another tissue, please.
So–STEEL EYES is almost there for me–but for one true heartbreaking scene.
Hope that helps,
Paul
Congratulations on a Top 50 for this–think this story could easily advance as is.
Once again, I don’t have much in terms of a line-edit.
This reads as a well-polished, professional script.
PREMISE
4 STARS
The only reason it’s not 5 stars is because it feels a little bit too much like BLADERUNNER to me.
And that comparison runs through the whole script–which is a shame–or not. Some readers may enjoy the comfort of such an easy comparison.
Also, I include the title as part of the premise, and STEEL EYES feels a bit off key–more like a title for an episode of WILD, WILD WEST than TWILIGHT ZONE.
STORY STRUCTURE
5 STARS
Beats were hit.
Thoughts were expressed.
Exposition was handled with grace.
Reversals manifested.
CHARACTER
5 STARS
Nice bit with everyone telling Joe that they thought he was dead. Good work.
My gripe here would be that the name “Caine” is overused in fiction.
And Chevy and all General Motors references felt anachronistic.
But those questions personal preference as opposed to character motivation and credibility.
DIALOGUE
4 STARS
Some of the references felt a little off to me–and I think this goes back to General Motors (GenMo) and Chevy–although it may not be fair to ding dialogue for that–that is where these things are heard.
Also, as I mentioned in character–the running bit with people telling Caine that they thought he was dead was a nice bit.
And I wondered a bit about some of the parentheticals–felt that some of them may have been too restrictive or maybe just a little off.
And I wasn’t thrilled with the old joke at the very start which referred to Disney characters.
EMOTION
4 STARS
This is the most subjective rating–because–technically (in terms of hitting the beats structure-wise) the ramping-up to a happy ending was there.
And it was cool that the hero was a ghost within in a machine, so to speak.
And it was smart to end with that epiphany.
So, I wonder if that led to a kind of disconnect for me–because it feels like the essence of the hero’s being has been reduced, as it were, to a brain in a jar.
It reminds me of something from a Vonnegut novel–a line about people being nothing more than a collection of chemicals in a test tube.
And, as cool as that thought may be, it does limit the emotional component somewhat (not teary-eyed ending for me.)
READING NOTES
P1. I’m a little concerned about the reference given to Mickey, Minnie and Goofy (copyright concerns freak me out.)
P15 wonder how else this could be worded “Die, phony man!”
P21 now/Now
pp28-30 nice scene (exposition well executed)
p51 (random thought, not related to page number)mwonder if GenMo could be reworked (think the reference to General Motors may not work very well)
Also not crazy about the character name “Chevy”
p62 Cain/Caine
p63 bottom of page–got a bit lost in the foot chase–evidently the android failed to recognize that it ran back toward the human
FINAL THOUGHTS
STEEL EYES is a formidable contender for the June, 2011 sci-fi contest, and I’m vexed as how to beat it (from a purely selfish POV.)
It’s a well-polished story with a happy ending.
And that–in terms of Hollywood–is what it’s all about.
My concern is that the story, as is, may be a bit too novelistic for some readers, but that’s an aesthetic criticism more than a structural one–let me put it this way–STEEL EYES works as a well-told story–it just may be an “over-told” story in spots.
However, unlike most stories that are “over-told” in spots–this one reigns itself in at 97 pages.
A lot can be forgiven if a script is only 97 pages.
Another concern–this one–far more nebulous and vexing–regards theme. My take on stories like these is that the author poses the question: “What is it to be human?”
And then goes on to explore qualities that define humanity.
And, the irony, is that machines (or aliens or half-humans) display more humanity than humans.
And that is where the moral lesson is learned.
Age-old storytelling that flows like clockwork.
Since that theme is so familiar, the bar has been set pretty high. I was teary-eyed when, as a kid, I saw STAR TREK II and Kirk eulogized Spock: “Of all the souls I’ve ever encountered, his was the most...human.”
Heartbreaking stuff.
As was Rutger Hauer’s soliloquy in BLADERUNNER.
Another tissue, please.
So–STEEL EYES is almost there for me–but for one true heartbreaking scene.
Hope that helps,
Paul
Animal Heads, Alexis's Original Draft
2
out of
6
people found the following review helpful:
Animal Heads (v.1 PDF)
May 05, 2011
Congratulations on winning for best script for February, 2011 and best of luck with the annual contest (*as Dr. Evil: “One-hundred-thousand-dollars!”)
I apologize in advance for this quick scan of a review–I just wanted to offer this as more of a “thank you” note than anything, because I was relieved to see that Amazon Studios chose a hard R-rated movie that dealt with adult themes.
Seriously.
THE FIRST TEN PAGES
I was hooked when the cougar seduces our hero and drains him, so to speak, on two levels. This was a fresh scene and it reminded me a bit of Nurse Ratched from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST in a bizarre way. Excellent work.
THE REST OF THE STORY
Not sure if I buy that our hero would hide his hard-earned (no pun intended) money inside his bike frame, but the setup does cause instant tension.
BTW–love the title. Reminds me of Frank Zappa.
Probably ought to capitalize coke to Coke (so no one thinks it’s nose candy.)
P40 Bit of a cheat in the visual exposition with “trying to remember where he’s hidden the gun.” Two things–we didn’t see him hide it–and it’s unfilmable. Not only that, it kills suspense.
Pp41-43 I like the riff on the word “mf.”
P49 great character intro here:
TARA, brunet, vulgar, hot, 25, Salvation Army t-shirt and
shorts, holds a small purse that women use to carry
menstrual pads. She seems cranky.
P55 Random note–I like how this story jumps around in time–like the bit where Tara blueballs Jack and he goes to find water so they can have sex. Really strange but feels very realistic–think it works because it’s so weird.
P58 I like the bit–using a metal detector to find a gun he lost–although this is a bit of a cheat, as written. It would be better if his actions were unexplained (meaning that what is written goes beyond what has been shown or what the camera can see.)
P59 Cool bit about dust gathering on body. This vibe reminds me of a movie I love called WAKING LIFE.
P61 cool sex scene (really relieved to read this–really glad this script won)
p62 I like this scene between Justine and Leo–particularly like this bit of dialogue
LEO
Tito, Mark and Nishita’s bro would do
the same for me. My brother would do
the same too. It all comes down to
friendship and brotherhood.
(beat)
Jus, that bastard took away simply
everything from my brother. He can’t
ride a bike, can’t smoke, can’t fuck
hot girls anymore. Do get how big this
is?
P70 Cool bit with gun jamming–nice setup with it being dirty.
P81 Cool bit with tattoo
p82 like the names for the weed
p93 Nice reversal–well done
pp103-104 Nice bit with Bernie’s death
p104 There are a few typos in this that give the script a kind-of alien feel, as if the writer were not a native speaker of English, but that’s not a knock, really, gives the read an exotic feel:
Bernie has a hard time to breath./Bernie has a hard time breathing.
P110 FWIW, in Leo’s dialogue, shotguns don’t fire bullets
FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a praiseworthy script that rings true.
I was drawn into this weird story–with its flashbacks and odd characters. As far as mood/tone goes–it reminded me of PULP FICTION–which is an oft-lamented curse for specs–but it felt fresh here.
The downside–the only 4 STAR instead of 5–is to address some typos/errors in grammar, which detract from the read (but also make it oddly fascinating, too.)
Best of luck with this for the annual prize.
And thanks for posting a PDF.
I apologize in advance for this quick scan of a review–I just wanted to offer this as more of a “thank you” note than anything, because I was relieved to see that Amazon Studios chose a hard R-rated movie that dealt with adult themes.
Seriously.
THE FIRST TEN PAGES
I was hooked when the cougar seduces our hero and drains him, so to speak, on two levels. This was a fresh scene and it reminded me a bit of Nurse Ratched from ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST in a bizarre way. Excellent work.
THE REST OF THE STORY
Not sure if I buy that our hero would hide his hard-earned (no pun intended) money inside his bike frame, but the setup does cause instant tension.
BTW–love the title. Reminds me of Frank Zappa.
Probably ought to capitalize coke to Coke (so no one thinks it’s nose candy.)
P40 Bit of a cheat in the visual exposition with “trying to remember where he’s hidden the gun.” Two things–we didn’t see him hide it–and it’s unfilmable. Not only that, it kills suspense.
Pp41-43 I like the riff on the word “mf.”
P49 great character intro here:
TARA, brunet, vulgar, hot, 25, Salvation Army t-shirt and
shorts, holds a small purse that women use to carry
menstrual pads. She seems cranky.
P55 Random note–I like how this story jumps around in time–like the bit where Tara blueballs Jack and he goes to find water so they can have sex. Really strange but feels very realistic–think it works because it’s so weird.
P58 I like the bit–using a metal detector to find a gun he lost–although this is a bit of a cheat, as written. It would be better if his actions were unexplained (meaning that what is written goes beyond what has been shown or what the camera can see.)
P59 Cool bit about dust gathering on body. This vibe reminds me of a movie I love called WAKING LIFE.
P61 cool sex scene (really relieved to read this–really glad this script won)
p62 I like this scene between Justine and Leo–particularly like this bit of dialogue
LEO
Tito, Mark and Nishita’s bro would do
the same for me. My brother would do
the same too. It all comes down to
friendship and brotherhood.
(beat)
Jus, that bastard took away simply
everything from my brother. He can’t
ride a bike, can’t smoke, can’t fuck
hot girls anymore. Do get how big this
is?
P70 Cool bit with gun jamming–nice setup with it being dirty.
P81 Cool bit with tattoo
p82 like the names for the weed
p93 Nice reversal–well done
pp103-104 Nice bit with Bernie’s death
p104 There are a few typos in this that give the script a kind-of alien feel, as if the writer were not a native speaker of English, but that’s not a knock, really, gives the read an exotic feel:
Bernie has a hard time to breath./Bernie has a hard time breathing.
P110 FWIW, in Leo’s dialogue, shotguns don’t fire bullets
FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a praiseworthy script that rings true.
I was drawn into this weird story–with its flashbacks and odd characters. As far as mood/tone goes–it reminded me of PULP FICTION–which is an oft-lamented curse for specs–but it felt fresh here.
The downside–the only 4 STAR instead of 5–is to address some typos/errors in grammar, which detract from the read (but also make it oddly fascinating, too.)
Best of luck with this for the annual prize.
And thanks for posting a PDF.
Paperback Writer, Richard's Original Draft
2
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
Paperback Writer (v.1 PDF)
April 27, 2011
Hi Richard:
I’ll dive in.
THE FIRST TEN PAGES
I’ll tell you, straight up, there’s not going to be much of a line-edit here, unless something screams at me, because this is smooth.
I like the title and the character introductions are solid. This reminds me a bit of Charlie Kaufman’s ADAPTATION–which–if you knew how much I love his work–is about as an effusive compliment I can give.
Let’s see–in the first ten pages–character is well-established–suspense is created–and the atmosphere of fantasy is well set.
Also–great job on the synopsis–from reading that and the first ten pages alone–I fully expect this to be top 50 material. Kind of cool that it was uploaded on April Fool’s Day.
THE REST OF THE STORY
P12 Random thought–I think “Hack Wilson” still holds the MLB record for most RBIs in a single season (for the Cubs, I think.)
Great name for a character.
P16 Very cool inciting incident with letter bomb.
P39 If memory serves, Kate was holding a .38 to Hack’s ribs earlier, if so, .38s are almost always revolvers–technically I think a “super .38" is a type of semi-automatic. I like the idea of a .38 snub-nosed revolver, perhaps a Colt Detective (blue steel, cold and dark like the dame’s heart.)
P40 Great bit of visual exposition and cool title with WORDSMITH.COM.
P44 Another nice bit of dialogue here from top of page:
GEOFF
Well, the girl's isn't. With Wilson
in her possession she might be able
to put it together. I want them
both shredded and dumped.
P62 Good to see Rod Serling (I wrote his character to introduce a “Night Gallery”-style short)
p63 Just an odd note on my part concerning the use of the word “airball” in dialogue–I understand “airball” to mean that a basketball shot at a goal fails to touch either the rim or the backboard–it sounds like the context used here is “airhead”–but if that’s an affectation of the bad guy speaker–then that’s cool. Just wanted to be sure that was the intention.
P72 Okay–I see Hack Wilson gives props to the baseball player, lol.
THE ENDING
Nice bit with Mr. Kolecefski
FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a well-polished screenplay.
If I were to nitpick–the easiest shot to take is at the premise. More than once I’ve seen peer reviewers write that stories about writers are overdone. I’m not so sure about that. This story was handled like a Charlie Kaufman tale, in which the hero’s mind struggled whether or not to be clouded. Ultimately, like in A BEAUTIFUL MIND, Hack found a way to live with his imaginary friends.
I recently saw ALEX & EMMA, which explored a similar situation as a writer’s real life blended with his fictional reality. The elements of wish fulfillment ring true.
As for the plot itself–microchips encoded and whatnot–I’d have to give it another read to be sure that I understood why it a code would be on a public website. At this point, it would be kind of absurd to saddle the pace of the story with a clearer motivation, but I wonder if that’s going to be a problem for self-proclaimed logic mavens. I honestly don’t know.
The way it reads now is with a classic “Scooby-Doo” type ending–in which the ending not as important as the entertaining ride it took to get there.
And, if there are further adventures, we know that Hack “will catch that villain.”
POINT BREAKDOWN
PREMISE
4 STARS
I’m concerned about the writer as the hero–although the Kaufman-like treatment of it is very good.
STORY STRUCTURE
5 STARS
Excellent job of understanding the genre. Cute final scene that reminded me of BODY HEAT. Pacing was good.
CHARACTER
5 STARS
Hack Wilson–great name–great imagination. Solid job with Nikki too.
DIALOGUE
5 STARS
Excellent in spots, very solid overall. Nice rhythm. True to the genre.
EMOTION
4 STARS
Hack’s declaration that he was going to take over and wrestle his free will over Nikki didn’t quite convince me–but it was pretty damn good. Obviously, he learned to live with his imaginary friends, but, part of the problem may be that this story itself is too light to be dark, even with all the dead bodies. And that’s more of a function of the genre-blend (Noir comedy) than anything else. It’s a tough genre to crack. As I’ve said before, regarding noir in general, I was knocked out by BRICK. It had its funny bits, but ended dark, so I wonder if that expectation I have is clouding my perception a bit.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Think I spelled everything out–this is an excellent script. Hope to see it in the top 50 soon.
Best wishes,
Paul
I’ll dive in.
THE FIRST TEN PAGES
I’ll tell you, straight up, there’s not going to be much of a line-edit here, unless something screams at me, because this is smooth.
I like the title and the character introductions are solid. This reminds me a bit of Charlie Kaufman’s ADAPTATION–which–if you knew how much I love his work–is about as an effusive compliment I can give.
Let’s see–in the first ten pages–character is well-established–suspense is created–and the atmosphere of fantasy is well set.
Also–great job on the synopsis–from reading that and the first ten pages alone–I fully expect this to be top 50 material. Kind of cool that it was uploaded on April Fool’s Day.
THE REST OF THE STORY
P12 Random thought–I think “Hack Wilson” still holds the MLB record for most RBIs in a single season (for the Cubs, I think.)
Great name for a character.
P16 Very cool inciting incident with letter bomb.
P39 If memory serves, Kate was holding a .38 to Hack’s ribs earlier, if so, .38s are almost always revolvers–technically I think a “super .38" is a type of semi-automatic. I like the idea of a .38 snub-nosed revolver, perhaps a Colt Detective (blue steel, cold and dark like the dame’s heart.)
P40 Great bit of visual exposition and cool title with WORDSMITH.COM.
P44 Another nice bit of dialogue here from top of page:
GEOFF
Well, the girl's isn't. With Wilson
in her possession she might be able
to put it together. I want them
both shredded and dumped.
P62 Good to see Rod Serling (I wrote his character to introduce a “Night Gallery”-style short)
p63 Just an odd note on my part concerning the use of the word “airball” in dialogue–I understand “airball” to mean that a basketball shot at a goal fails to touch either the rim or the backboard–it sounds like the context used here is “airhead”–but if that’s an affectation of the bad guy speaker–then that’s cool. Just wanted to be sure that was the intention.
P72 Okay–I see Hack Wilson gives props to the baseball player, lol.
THE ENDING
Nice bit with Mr. Kolecefski
FINAL THOUGHTS
This is a well-polished screenplay.
If I were to nitpick–the easiest shot to take is at the premise. More than once I’ve seen peer reviewers write that stories about writers are overdone. I’m not so sure about that. This story was handled like a Charlie Kaufman tale, in which the hero’s mind struggled whether or not to be clouded. Ultimately, like in A BEAUTIFUL MIND, Hack found a way to live with his imaginary friends.
I recently saw ALEX & EMMA, which explored a similar situation as a writer’s real life blended with his fictional reality. The elements of wish fulfillment ring true.
As for the plot itself–microchips encoded and whatnot–I’d have to give it another read to be sure that I understood why it a code would be on a public website. At this point, it would be kind of absurd to saddle the pace of the story with a clearer motivation, but I wonder if that’s going to be a problem for self-proclaimed logic mavens. I honestly don’t know.
The way it reads now is with a classic “Scooby-Doo” type ending–in which the ending not as important as the entertaining ride it took to get there.
And, if there are further adventures, we know that Hack “will catch that villain.”
POINT BREAKDOWN
PREMISE
4 STARS
I’m concerned about the writer as the hero–although the Kaufman-like treatment of it is very good.
STORY STRUCTURE
5 STARS
Excellent job of understanding the genre. Cute final scene that reminded me of BODY HEAT. Pacing was good.
CHARACTER
5 STARS
Hack Wilson–great name–great imagination. Solid job with Nikki too.
DIALOGUE
5 STARS
Excellent in spots, very solid overall. Nice rhythm. True to the genre.
EMOTION
4 STARS
Hack’s declaration that he was going to take over and wrestle his free will over Nikki didn’t quite convince me–but it was pretty damn good. Obviously, he learned to live with his imaginary friends, but, part of the problem may be that this story itself is too light to be dark, even with all the dead bodies. And that’s more of a function of the genre-blend (Noir comedy) than anything else. It’s a tough genre to crack. As I’ve said before, regarding noir in general, I was knocked out by BRICK. It had its funny bits, but ended dark, so I wonder if that expectation I have is clouding my perception a bit.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Think I spelled everything out–this is an excellent script. Hope to see it in the top 50 soon.
Best wishes,
Paul
The Epic of Gilgamesh, Tommy's 2nd Draft
1
out of
2
people found the following review helpful:
The Epic of Gilgamesh (v.3) rtf
April 20, 2011
Hey Tommy:
I’ll dive in.
FORMATTING: I think it’s a good idea to have a PDF–it’s easier on the eyes and I like to bounce between windows when I write a review–so I don’t like going between two similar windows–if that makes sense–plus–I’ve done about 300 reviews between Amazon, Triggerstreet and Zoetrope–and old habits are hard to break. Bottom line–PDF is the standard for readers and anytime one can present their work in that format–it’s a plus.
Also–the title on the rtf is not centered and there is no dedicated title page.
TITLE: Would it be better as one word? GILGAMESH
READING NOTES:
p1 Awkward phrasing: “A beautiful voice fills our ears” (what else would sound do?)
Let’s break the first master scene heading down into super slow motion:
EXT. EARTH/FLOOD - NIGHT (PROLOGUE)
As a reader, I am neither oriented in place nor time with what’s on the page here.
FADE IN:
Is usually flush left and is always by itself.
(sadly) the very first line of dialogue has a wrylie–this is a red flag to seasoned readers
What purpose does (prologue) serve in the master scene headings? I’m imagining that what we are seeing now are things that we should see because it’s intimated that all the stuff we are seeing now happened before the camera (our witness) arrived.
P2 “mocha colored skin” is risky, because it could be seen as too simplistic–I think it’s a good idea to leave some of this to the audiences imagination by letting one know exactly where one is oriented in place and time (still don’t know)
p3 IMAGE (I don’t know what this means–all visual exposition is an image)
p6 This visual exposition is mis-timed:
In ONE CONTINUOUS MOVEMENT, Ekron pulled his SWORD from its
SHEATH and SLICED off the Soldier's HEAD.
All visual exposition has to be in the present tense.
THE FIRST TEN PAGES:
I like the character development for the hero–who is drawn as selfish with little regard for life other than his own.
The presentation would benefit from a PDF and a bit of editing.
If the author has not already done so–it would be a good idea to find an online PDF of 300 to use as a reference.
THE REST OF THE STORY
PP10-13 Nice job with battle sequence/Gilgamesh’s betrayal.
pp13-14 This “ultimate battle” with the creature is a big payoff that is rushed through in summary with
Using his sword and flail expertly, Gilgamesh finally
14.
dispatches the creature as it falls DEAD to the ground.
Battle scenes are not the time for summary.
P21 NINSUN is followed by NINSUN (O.S.) In dialogue
p22 SWELL (no need to capitalize adverbs–usually only capitalize character introductions and sound)
p55 THE MUSIC... sound cues for music are cumbersome, and, as written, it’s a bit confusing, because source music has been mentioned earlier (at the dance)
p56 Not sure what this means:
As Enkidu turns to the PINNED DOWN UNIT, Gilgamesh SHEATHS
his sword and only uses is HANDS and enchanted flail.
What is “enchanted flail?”
P74 I think it’s page 74–but I’m not so sure now–I don’t know what these flush left numbers in this .rtf really are–with the (CONTINUED) it’s confusing (CONTINUED) isn’t used like this in spec scripts anymore–but (CONT’D) is used after (MORE) when dialogue crosses over pages.
P87 (or scene 87, whatever these numbers mean) STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA–not a good idea to mention the camera in a spec–it breaks the reading spell–a good way to think about action, or narrative, or description, as it may be called, is to call it “visual exposition”–that is a way to remember that what is shown is in the absolute present tense and to use the word “camera” breaks the moment.
P99 shake his head “yes”/nod his head (shake = side to side “no”–nod = up and down “yes”)
p121 sons/son’s
PREMISE
4 STARS
With the success of 300, and BEOWULF, one can make an argument for this story. My concern is that “Gilgamesh” and the names of the other characters sound awkward.
STORY STRUCTURE
3 STARS
Now that PDF can be uploaded, it’s harder to forgive formatting oddities. Granted, I know this ranking refers more to plot, and so on, but even there, the story itself suffers from the ancient curse of “Deus ex machina”–which could be overcome with another pass to have setups that justify the payoffs. The most glaring example of this is when Ninsun appears among the elders as they are attempting to select a new king. It doesn’t matter that this is how the story was told–modern audiences are too sophisticated to buy into it.
CHARACTER
4 STARS
It’s not the oldest surviving story in Western literature for no reason–so–obviously the hero has quite a transformation. Indeed, it is epic.
DIALOGUE
3 STARS
This is the hardest thing to fix, because how does one ring true to a period in which so little is known?
It sounds too modern–the best examples I can think of regarding dialogue that rang true to the period are ROME (an HBO mini-series produced by John Milius) and DEADWOOD (another HBO series, this one by David Milch.)
I think this is going to take a lot of effort–which will run the risk of alienating many readers–except for the one who may share a passion for authenticity. Whatever research needs to be done to yield something that rings true, has to be done. And I think once the right rhythm is found, then it will click.
EMOTION
4 STARS
I ranked this pretty high because the character arc is clear–but it’s close to being 3 stars because of the Deus Ex Machina. The randomness of some of the events makes it difficult to get back into the story at times, thus diffusing some of the story’s emotional impact.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Thanks for the review swap–hope this didn’t seem too harsh–it’s just that the bar is so high when one attacks a classic story. Ultimately, I think this kind of project makes one a better writer. My gut instinct is that this needs a touch of Shakespearian dialogue to make it sing–but it will be a tough exercise to pull off–these gods need to sound godly–and modern expression is too impoverished to evoke nobility.
Best wishes,
Paul
I’ll dive in.
FORMATTING: I think it’s a good idea to have a PDF–it’s easier on the eyes and I like to bounce between windows when I write a review–so I don’t like going between two similar windows–if that makes sense–plus–I’ve done about 300 reviews between Amazon, Triggerstreet and Zoetrope–and old habits are hard to break. Bottom line–PDF is the standard for readers and anytime one can present their work in that format–it’s a plus.
Also–the title on the rtf is not centered and there is no dedicated title page.
TITLE: Would it be better as one word? GILGAMESH
READING NOTES:
p1 Awkward phrasing: “A beautiful voice fills our ears” (what else would sound do?)
Let’s break the first master scene heading down into super slow motion:
EXT. EARTH/FLOOD - NIGHT (PROLOGUE)
As a reader, I am neither oriented in place nor time with what’s on the page here.
FADE IN:
Is usually flush left and is always by itself.
(sadly) the very first line of dialogue has a wrylie–this is a red flag to seasoned readers
What purpose does (prologue) serve in the master scene headings? I’m imagining that what we are seeing now are things that we should see because it’s intimated that all the stuff we are seeing now happened before the camera (our witness) arrived.
P2 “mocha colored skin” is risky, because it could be seen as too simplistic–I think it’s a good idea to leave some of this to the audiences imagination by letting one know exactly where one is oriented in place and time (still don’t know)
p3 IMAGE (I don’t know what this means–all visual exposition is an image)
p6 This visual exposition is mis-timed:
In ONE CONTINUOUS MOVEMENT, Ekron pulled his SWORD from its
SHEATH and SLICED off the Soldier's HEAD.
All visual exposition has to be in the present tense.
THE FIRST TEN PAGES:
I like the character development for the hero–who is drawn as selfish with little regard for life other than his own.
The presentation would benefit from a PDF and a bit of editing.
If the author has not already done so–it would be a good idea to find an online PDF of 300 to use as a reference.
THE REST OF THE STORY
PP10-13 Nice job with battle sequence/Gilgamesh’s betrayal.
pp13-14 This “ultimate battle” with the creature is a big payoff that is rushed through in summary with
Using his sword and flail expertly, Gilgamesh finally
14.
dispatches the creature as it falls DEAD to the ground.
Battle scenes are not the time for summary.
P21 NINSUN is followed by NINSUN (O.S.) In dialogue
p22 SWELL (no need to capitalize adverbs–usually only capitalize character introductions and sound)
p55 THE MUSIC... sound cues for music are cumbersome, and, as written, it’s a bit confusing, because source music has been mentioned earlier (at the dance)
p56 Not sure what this means:
As Enkidu turns to the PINNED DOWN UNIT, Gilgamesh SHEATHS
his sword and only uses is HANDS and enchanted flail.
What is “enchanted flail?”
P74 I think it’s page 74–but I’m not so sure now–I don’t know what these flush left numbers in this .rtf really are–with the (CONTINUED) it’s confusing (CONTINUED) isn’t used like this in spec scripts anymore–but (CONT’D) is used after (MORE) when dialogue crosses over pages.
P87 (or scene 87, whatever these numbers mean) STRAIGHT INTO THE CAMERA–not a good idea to mention the camera in a spec–it breaks the reading spell–a good way to think about action, or narrative, or description, as it may be called, is to call it “visual exposition”–that is a way to remember that what is shown is in the absolute present tense and to use the word “camera” breaks the moment.
P99 shake his head “yes”/nod his head (shake = side to side “no”–nod = up and down “yes”)
p121 sons/son’s
PREMISE
4 STARS
With the success of 300, and BEOWULF, one can make an argument for this story. My concern is that “Gilgamesh” and the names of the other characters sound awkward.
STORY STRUCTURE
3 STARS
Now that PDF can be uploaded, it’s harder to forgive formatting oddities. Granted, I know this ranking refers more to plot, and so on, but even there, the story itself suffers from the ancient curse of “Deus ex machina”–which could be overcome with another pass to have setups that justify the payoffs. The most glaring example of this is when Ninsun appears among the elders as they are attempting to select a new king. It doesn’t matter that this is how the story was told–modern audiences are too sophisticated to buy into it.
CHARACTER
4 STARS
It’s not the oldest surviving story in Western literature for no reason–so–obviously the hero has quite a transformation. Indeed, it is epic.
DIALOGUE
3 STARS
This is the hardest thing to fix, because how does one ring true to a period in which so little is known?
It sounds too modern–the best examples I can think of regarding dialogue that rang true to the period are ROME (an HBO mini-series produced by John Milius) and DEADWOOD (another HBO series, this one by David Milch.)
I think this is going to take a lot of effort–which will run the risk of alienating many readers–except for the one who may share a passion for authenticity. Whatever research needs to be done to yield something that rings true, has to be done. And I think once the right rhythm is found, then it will click.
EMOTION
4 STARS
I ranked this pretty high because the character arc is clear–but it’s close to being 3 stars because of the Deus Ex Machina. The randomness of some of the events makes it difficult to get back into the story at times, thus diffusing some of the story’s emotional impact.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Thanks for the review swap–hope this didn’t seem too harsh–it’s just that the bar is so high when one attacks a classic story. Ultimately, I think this kind of project makes one a better writer. My gut instinct is that this needs a touch of Shakespearian dialogue to make it sing–but it will be a tough exercise to pull off–these gods need to sound godly–and modern expression is too impoverished to evoke nobility.
Best wishes,
Paul
Asphalt John (Careful Who You Screw With), Richard's Original Draft
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Asphalt John (v.1) pdf
April 14, 2011
READING NOTES:
p2 Good job with character introduction for John.
p12 Martin and/Martine and
THE FIRST TEN PAGES
It's good to read something this rich. It shows me that the author is confident. Solid hook. I also like the bold display of fancy font for the title and the running header with the title and author's name, although it is atypical.
THE REST OF THE STORY
Good inciting incident on p13—solid job with John's reaction to having a gun put to his head.
p20 Good reveal with “He's a bag man.”
p21 Good pacing here—neat to see John stepping into detective mode.
p74 bakes/brakes
p97 way over the Mercedes/way over to the Mercedes
PREMISE
4 STARS
I lump title in with premise. I like ASPHALT JOHN, but I don't know if the long subtitle works because it feels as if it's a faulty parallel.
As for the premise itself—former assassin is mistaken for a vanished hero—I like that too.
The sequence of events was handled well to make this fictional reality plausible enough.
STORY STRUCTURE
5 STARS
I know that plot can always be tweaked—but I like the structure here well enough. The story starts from the POV of an adolescent, and I think that fits into the theme of redemption pretty well, like SHANE.
CHARACTER
5 STARS
I like the late reveal of John's true identity—it adds a nice twist to someone that the audience thought they knew. Raul and Celia were obstacles that gave John a true chance at redemption. I also liked that these characters spoke like adults under stress, with all the vulgarity needed to be believable without going overboard for comedic effect.
DIALOGUE
5 STARS
I lumped part of this into character—this was handled well—particularly John's dialogue when he has a gun put to his head. I also thought that the bully's dialogue (Martine) rang true as well. One of my favorite movies is CITY OF GOD, and my favorite season of THE WIRE is SEASON FOUR, which focuses on the impoverished kids of Baltimore and their struggle to survive. Nice work.
EMOTION
5 STARS
I cared about these characters, particularly Celia, whom I wanted to see protected. Nice work.
OVERALL RANDOM THOUGHTS
As for little glitches and whatnot—for a first draft—this is very polished.
The biggest stumbling point for me was the first three pages (or more likely the first two-plus) because the writing felt a bit too novelistic. That's a tough call, because a good story will take the time to give enough visual exposition and sense of character to create a fictional reality, but, I was distracted (which may out me as a lazy reader more than anything.)
And finally, I had hoped for a different feel, so to speak, with the usage of the word “noir” on the title page. Over the past few days I've watched CITIZEN KANE again and listened to both commentaries (Roger Ebert and Peter Bogdanovich.) And I also recently watched Bogdanovich's THE LAST PICTURE SHOW—so--I will concede that the elements of noir are here—but the ending feels too upbeat for me to think of this as noir, per se.
BTW--as a complete tangent--BRICK is one of my favorite movies--it also has a dark ending--I think that may be a requirement for noir (TOUCH OF EVIL--another dark ending) (A PLACE IN THE SUN--also dark--may be my favorite noir, although NOTORIOUS is up there too.)
Overall, this is a well-told, entertaining screenplay that is well-polished. It works on the levels of theme, character, story structure, scene execution and voice. My concern is that the premise and title make it a tough sale for high-concept, given the built-in hurdle to climb when one explores the theme of poverty.
Best wishes,
Paul
p2 Good job with character introduction for John.
p12 Martin and/Martine and
THE FIRST TEN PAGES
It's good to read something this rich. It shows me that the author is confident. Solid hook. I also like the bold display of fancy font for the title and the running header with the title and author's name, although it is atypical.
THE REST OF THE STORY
Good inciting incident on p13—solid job with John's reaction to having a gun put to his head.
p20 Good reveal with “He's a bag man.”
p21 Good pacing here—neat to see John stepping into detective mode.
p74 bakes/brakes
p97 way over the Mercedes/way over to the Mercedes
PREMISE
4 STARS
I lump title in with premise. I like ASPHALT JOHN, but I don't know if the long subtitle works because it feels as if it's a faulty parallel.
As for the premise itself—former assassin is mistaken for a vanished hero—I like that too.
The sequence of events was handled well to make this fictional reality plausible enough.
STORY STRUCTURE
5 STARS
I know that plot can always be tweaked—but I like the structure here well enough. The story starts from the POV of an adolescent, and I think that fits into the theme of redemption pretty well, like SHANE.
CHARACTER
5 STARS
I like the late reveal of John's true identity—it adds a nice twist to someone that the audience thought they knew. Raul and Celia were obstacles that gave John a true chance at redemption. I also liked that these characters spoke like adults under stress, with all the vulgarity needed to be believable without going overboard for comedic effect.
DIALOGUE
5 STARS
I lumped part of this into character—this was handled well—particularly John's dialogue when he has a gun put to his head. I also thought that the bully's dialogue (Martine) rang true as well. One of my favorite movies is CITY OF GOD, and my favorite season of THE WIRE is SEASON FOUR, which focuses on the impoverished kids of Baltimore and their struggle to survive. Nice work.
EMOTION
5 STARS
I cared about these characters, particularly Celia, whom I wanted to see protected. Nice work.
OVERALL RANDOM THOUGHTS
As for little glitches and whatnot—for a first draft—this is very polished.
The biggest stumbling point for me was the first three pages (or more likely the first two-plus) because the writing felt a bit too novelistic. That's a tough call, because a good story will take the time to give enough visual exposition and sense of character to create a fictional reality, but, I was distracted (which may out me as a lazy reader more than anything.)
And finally, I had hoped for a different feel, so to speak, with the usage of the word “noir” on the title page. Over the past few days I've watched CITIZEN KANE again and listened to both commentaries (Roger Ebert and Peter Bogdanovich.) And I also recently watched Bogdanovich's THE LAST PICTURE SHOW—so--I will concede that the elements of noir are here—but the ending feels too upbeat for me to think of this as noir, per se.
BTW--as a complete tangent--BRICK is one of my favorite movies--it also has a dark ending--I think that may be a requirement for noir (TOUCH OF EVIL--another dark ending) (A PLACE IN THE SUN--also dark--may be my favorite noir, although NOTORIOUS is up there too.)
Overall, this is a well-told, entertaining screenplay that is well-polished. It works on the levels of theme, character, story structure, scene execution and voice. My concern is that the premise and title make it a tough sale for high-concept, given the built-in hurdle to climb when one explores the theme of poverty.
Best wishes,
Paul
Favorite Movies
La Dolce Vita
Sicko
28 Days Later
Forks Over Knives
Open City (1945)
Silence of the Lambs
Religulous
Taxi Driver
Before Sunset
L'Avventura
Star Wars
Fearless (Peter Weir)
Full Metal Jacket
The Getaway (1972)
La Femme Nikita
The Godfather
Sicko
28 Days Later
Forks Over Knives
Open City (1945)
Silence of the Lambs
Religulous
Taxi Driver
Before Sunset
L'Avventura
Star Wars
Fearless (Peter Weir)
Full Metal Jacket
The Getaway (1972)
La Femme Nikita
The Godfather
Influences
David Simon, hands down, is my primary influence. I respect the level of research he did to bring the characters of HOMICIDE, THE WIRE, and TREME to life. And I'm currently going through a Chuck Palahniuk phase, starting with his novel, FIGHT CLUB.
Following
63 People
Winner: Best Script, Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Finalist: Best Test Movie, Best Table Read, Best Script, Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie, Best Table Read, Best Script, Script Spotlight: America's Ben Franklin Punch-Up
Winner: Best Test Movie, Best Photo Storyboard, Best Table Read, Best Dialogue Track, Best I Think My Facebook Friend is Dead Trailer
Finalist: Best Test Movie, Best Photo Storyboard, Best Table Read, Best Dialogue Track, Best I Think My Facebook Friend is Dead Trailer
Semifinalist: Best Test Movie, Best Photo Storyboard, Best Table Read, Best Dialogue Track, Best I Think My Facebook Friend is Dead Trailer, Best Script
I’ll dive in.
TITLE: THE DIAMOND RING
It’s okay, but it does nothing to help one imagine what the story could be about. From the title alone, I imagine that this could be a heist movie–but heist movies normally have stakes far higher than a single piece of jewelry.
THE FIRST TEN PAGES (READING NOTES):
P1 Should one ever describe a 12-year-old girl as “beautiful?”
P2 page numbers are missing
omit all (or almost all) CUT TO: and other transitions from spec scripts–these usually only appear in shooting scripts
passers/bypassers (or pedestrians)
p7 This bit of visual exposition is poetic, but lack precision:
The sun has a weird, barely visible diamond ring of light around it, although it isn't a solar eclipse.
I mention this because the title appears to come from this bit of visual exposition.
Diamonds, regarding light, are rated by the quality of light that is seen within them, not outside of them, as illustrated in a famous passage from the Ian Fleming novel DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (which was made into a James Bond movie) in which the “blue flame” inside a high-quality diamond is visible.
FIRST TEN PAGES (GENERAL IMPRESSION)
Okay–this feels like Mia is being set up as a child with a psychic powers (given her bit of dialogue on page 9 about a killer on the loose who intends to “finish the job.”)
And that’s a cool bit–but the stakes are pretty high when one considers THE SIXTH SENSE.
Which is okay–however–something’s missing at this point.
And part of the confusion comes from the father–who evidently is experimenting/creating some kind of mind-altering drug (nice ALTERED STATES vibe.)
However, it feels like the most important event, the death of an adult female, happens off camera and is rushed-over in dialogue on page 9.
And, if that’s the case, then that needs to become the new hook.
Something has to happen within these first ten pages.
Usually, what happens in a thriller, is a wrongful death.
At this point, I’m feeling neither the hook nor the premise, but the tone has a lot of potential.
THE REST OF THE STORY (READING NOTES)
p11 men opens/men open
p12 lighting pole/light pole
p18 antidrug/antidote
p20 Albert alarms/Albert is alarmed (if alarm were used literally as a verb, then one images one imitating the sound of a siren)
p33 One shoot is/One shot is
p35 thanks god/thank God
p77 This bit of expositional dialogue could be used for a new hook in revision
DANIEL
Injecting Sara with the drug was your idea from the beginning! You wanted to connect all of our minds together to be able to extract the original formula from your mind, her mind, or my mind.
It would help clarify a lot at the beginning and could make the motivation clearer.
pp94-95 (MORE) and (CONT’D) missing for dialogue that crosses over pages
p118 Form my mind./From my mind.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND RANKINGS:
PREMISE
3 STARS
This is ambitious, but, as is, the premise is difficult for me to state clearly–this feels more like a tone poem than a genre piece. Now, that’s not always a knock, it’s just that this bittersweet ending, as well as the visual cue with the ring around the sun (showing that it’s an artificial or imagined world) needs a great deal of clarity to work.
I’m not entirely sure what the premise is here–and I’m not entirely sure what our hero wants.
STORY STRUCTURE
3 STARS
A lot of the notes I had for the premise apply here–and I think this is going to need a significant revision for clarity.
I suggest looking at different story structure beat sheets.
Off the top of my head, I’d seriously consider taking a strong look at Chris Vogler’s beat sheet for the hero’s journey. You should be able to find what a Chris Vogler beat sheet looks like by Googling it or by Googling “The Hero’s Journey.”
Right now, there’s no hook that I can feel because we “enter shooting” so to speak. In other words, there’s no “ordinary world” before we start off on our adventure, so there’s no context.
CHARACTER
3 STARS
Once again, a heavy dose of clarity is needed.
One does not know if the “bad guy” (The Cyclone) is real or not, so much of the tension is diluted.
DIALOGUE
3 STARS
As with some of the visual exposition, precision will be needed to make the dialogue feel more credible.
Given that there is no “ordinary world” established to put the technobabble into context, the story is very hard to follow and suffers in places where the dialogue is purely expositional.
EMOTION
3 STARS
Once again, not knowing what is real, and what isn’t, dilutes the emotional impact.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I imagine a lot to reviews for this will mention INCEPTION.
And, unfortunately, that’s a realistic comparison which has the bar set at an extremely high level.
To compete with Chris Nolan, it’s going to take hitting all the beats in a logical way.
And it means that revisions will have to focus on clarity.
To hit the beats, I suggest writing a new outline that follows a Chris Vogler beat sheet.
Also, I’d study the screenplay INCEPTION to see why that story works.
The hook for that is very strong and comes through the dialogue which states the premise/theme clearly on page 2:
The Elderly Japanese Man STARES, remembering...
COBB (V.O.)
What’s the most resilient parasite?
CUT TO:
INT. SAME ELEGANT DINING ROOM - NIGHT (YEARS EARLIER)
The speaker, COBB, is 35, handsome, tailored. A young
Japanese man, SAITO, eats as he listens.
COBB
A bacteria? A virus?
Cobb gestures at their feast with his wine glass-
COBB
An intestinal worm?
Saito’s fork pauses, mid-air. Cobb GRINS. A third man is at
the table- ARTHUR. He jumps in to save the pitch-
ARTHUR
What Mr. Cobb is trying to say-
COBB
An idea.
Saito looks at Cobb, curious
The key word in this is “idea.”
And that is stated on page 2.
And the title fits in with that instantly
INCEPTION = IDEA (and all that implies, how they are planted, and how they are stolen)
THE DIAMOND RING = (visual evidence about how the sun appears to show that the person seeing it is inside an alternate reality)
And, while that is cool (for THE DIAMOND RING) it’s very abstract and takes a long time to explain.
Off the top of my head–I’d suggest a new title–something like what was taken from Shakespeare and adopted by Sting as an album title NOTHING LIKE THE SUN–but it’s still abstract–although closer–because it at least mentions the sun.
Hope that helps,
Paul