0
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Loads of potential by needs lots more work.
Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
Premise:
3 stars
Story structure:
1 stars
Character:
2 stars
Dialogue:
2 stars
Emotion:
1 stars
July 07, 2011
Firstly-- I'm new to AS. I made the mistake of seeing the test movie before reading the script. Now knowing the story, I'm reluctant to spend the time reading the script. It deserves a full read prior to making an accurate review. My apologies.
I have downloaded the PDF version and quickly gone over the script.
1. Full character names prior to dialog are cumbersome and distracting.
2. Overall the amount of white space on the page is good.
3. There is nothing in the dialog that distinguishes the characters from each other. The dialog leans more toward proper sentencing structure than how individuals actually talk, especially men. Much of it is too wordy. EXAMPLE pdf page 7 between Ted and the Home Plate Umpire reads:
TED Do you know what I have to put up with from this guy?! I'm doing what I have to do to have peace and quiet on the plane to Arizona!
A possible alternative:
Ted responds with aggressive GESTURES toward at the Ump as he speaks in an apologetic tone.
TED Bear with me. I need him to think I'm on his side, or I'll never hear the end of this.
4. Too many things in the story take up time but don't move the story forward, such as the above reference for the plane ride to Arizona. Another example is the party scene where Rob is arrested. I would have rather SEEN Rob punch hard enough to make the Ump fall. Then in the next scene have Rob in jail. The natural transition would have been self explanatory.
5. Would Grandma have been pleased with the "sucks a donkey's dong" reference? Either way, it's a distraction that creates a vulgar visualization for the audience and does nothing for the story. Personally I see this as potentially hurting and in no way able to help at the BO. That kind of dialog may work when trying to show how morally low a character is, but not a character in a mentoring position. Doesn't matter if guys really talk this way among themselves.
6. Didn't see Amy as a strong female. Her motivation behind the "condition" had no backbone to create sexual tension between her and Rob. She thought the "idea" sounded good, but did not have sufficient reasons beyond not wanting to get hurt emotionally. That's why she was open to giving in when "emotions" got the best of her. Overall Rob did not have to "win" her, she was pretty much there. Boring.
7. As for Rob, there wasn't anything about him that made me root for him. He's not Hero material. He comes across too much as a jerk. There needs to be something seen from the beginning that makes him redeemable.
8. In glancing through the script, I see too many instances of 1 to 5 lines of action or dialog carrying over to the next page, before a scene change. During rewrites focus on tightening-up a page to prevent this. It reveals the effort to "economize" the words, which in the end makes for a better screenplay.
9. Did not like the butch chick bar scene at all. Not funny. Didn't help the story.
Definitely do some more rewrites the potential is there. Keep the movie "formula," but build-up the human factors. Even though this is not a rom-com, it would be helpful for you to study the "romance" formulas for creating the Hero and Heroine an audience wants to see.
I have downloaded the PDF version and quickly gone over the script.
1. Full character names prior to dialog are cumbersome and distracting.
2. Overall the amount of white space on the page is good.
3. There is nothing in the dialog that distinguishes the characters from each other. The dialog leans more toward proper sentencing structure than how individuals actually talk, especially men. Much of it is too wordy.
EXAMPLE
pdf page 7 between Ted and the Home Plate Umpire reads:
TED
Do you know what I have to put up with from this guy?! I'm doing what I have to do to have peace and quiet on the plane to Arizona!
A possible alternative:
Ted responds with aggressive GESTURES toward at the Ump as he speaks in an apologetic tone.
TED
Bear with me. I need him to think I'm on his side, or I'll never hear the end of this.
4. Too many things in the story take up time but don't move the story forward, such as the above reference for the plane ride to Arizona. Another example is the party scene where Rob is arrested. I would have rather SEEN Rob punch hard enough to make the Ump fall. Then in the next scene have Rob in jail. The natural transition would have been self explanatory.
5. Would Grandma have been pleased with the "sucks a donkey's dong" reference? Either way, it's a distraction that creates a vulgar visualization for the audience and does nothing for the story. Personally I see this as potentially hurting and in no way able to help at the BO. That kind of dialog may work when trying to show how morally low a character is, but not a character in a mentoring position. Doesn't matter if guys really talk this way among themselves.
6. Didn't see Amy as a strong female. Her motivation behind the "condition" had no backbone to create sexual tension between her and Rob. She thought the "idea" sounded good, but did not have sufficient reasons beyond not wanting to get hurt emotionally. That's why she was open to giving in when "emotions" got the best of her. Overall Rob did not have to "win" her, she was pretty much there. Boring.
7. As for Rob, there wasn't anything about him that made me root for him. He's not Hero material. He comes across too much as a jerk. There needs to be something seen from the beginning that makes him redeemable.
8. In glancing through the script, I see too many instances of 1 to 5 lines of action or dialog carrying over to the next page, before a scene change. During rewrites focus on tightening-up a page to prevent this. It reveals the effort to "economize" the words, which in the end makes for a better screenplay.
9. Did not like the butch chick bar scene at all. Not funny. Didn't help the story.
Definitely do some more rewrites the potential is there. Keep the movie "formula," but build-up the human factors. Even though this is not a rom-com, it would be helpful for you to study the "romance" formulas for creating the Hero and Heroine an audience wants to see.