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Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

Beth's Bamboozles Keith's Original Draft (Script 1)

No rating
7 07/12/11

About

I've been writing for a hobby for over twenty years. In the last several years took some screenwriting courses and rewrote a lot of my older scripts.
 

Reviews Keith Has Written

Grandest Deception, Gina's 3rd Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Read it in one sitting

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
February 08, 2012
The first line of dialogue got me interested since the character was talking about a neighborhood a couple blocks from me. I was curious what the deal was when the script jumps one year later, I’m thinking what happened, can’t wait to find out because here’s Sean and Valerie together.
I read this script in one sitting as I was intrigued by it. With my review I want to start from the ending. We find out the truth about Valerie and before that about Maya. Maya had hints of what she was, but I had no clue Valerie was who she was and it made sense why she aborted her baby. I was thinking to make it more confusing you should have Valerie on board to have a child and then secretly abort it. That will confuse the audience or get thing them thinking, okay what’s going with Valerie. The conflict amongst Sean and Valerie is very convincing, but I think with the ending that maybe you should have Valerie try a little harder and be more compassionate to Sean because obviously she needs to stay with him. I was thinking why do they stay together with their problems?
Just my personal opinion but there’s some things with the business that can be cut back and I’d move Maya up earlier including her trying to break into the real world. Build around that and link that to it being the grandest deception.
Overall I really enjoyed reading it and if you do a rewrite please keep me posted. Thanks and best of luck.
 

Mystery Lies Within, Srinivas's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Good, but needs some work

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
January 09, 2012
I think this script has good potential as it was fun to read. I’m not commenting on grammar or what details should or shouldn’t be in there and instead commenting on the story itself. The one thing that stood out was you should show us more instead of telling us in dialogue. Kristen and Clark are interesting, but we’re told about them in their dialogue versus showing us.
After reading the first ten pages the only thing established was Clark being taken into the ICU. In those pages it should be established what the goal or question is. At the pageant the host has several pages of joking, I think that can be cut down drastically and you should question yourself if it’s not relevant to the story then it should be cut out. I feel there’s more you want to tell us and should cut out the fat and cut back on dialogue. Pages 80-83 were almost all dialogue and I would like to see more action and less dialogue. Let me know when you do a rewrite and I think you should really get into Clark’s mind and show us him instead of telling us. Best of luck.
 

Merciless, Rohit's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

A decent psycho script

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 10, 2011
First off I enjoyed reading Merciless. I’m not going to comment on whether you should take out shots and details that the director should take care of, I’m only commenting on the story itself. The characters were very intriguing and quite intimidating including Don Chiriko and his accident. A few things that I think would make it stronger is even though the Frank and Stein are scary the FBI shows fear toward them and instead should be frustrated that they’re not behind bars. Also there are a couple times Frank and Stein appear to be a little human, I would keep then completely insane and quiet like Mike Meyers in Halloween. When he tells the girl he has to leave while having sex with her, instead he should throw her off and yell “OUT” in a satanic voice.

I’d cut back a bit on the long dialogue too only because I’ve personally been told that the long dialogue is not as accepted. Instead of telling us why Frank and Stein is so scary, show us. Show the FBI struggling to catch them, show them scaring the FBI agents, show some more background of why they are so evil. Also, even though it’s a nice twist that one is turning again Chiriko, maybe cut that out and have them together to the end, or get separated and they get more psychotic that they aren’t together?

Again, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and I’m just throwing my thoughts out there to maybe make it a tighter script. Good luck and if you rewrite it, I’d love to read it again.
 

A Champagne Wedding On A Beer Budget, Michael's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Don't give up on this script

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
October 21, 2011
I like the concept of “A Champagne Wedding on a Beer Budget”, I felt like I was reading one of my screenplays from about five years ago. I know what tone you’re trying to convey and I was able to get your comedy, but I’m going to tell you things that I was told over the years from analysis and others reading mine and I hope they help for your rewrite.

The story itself was great and I was eager to dive in, but the first question I had after reading the first act was why would the audience root for Ron? I was asked the same thing when I had my slacker contractor cussing at people and being a lazy ass. Make him likeable and that he tries hard but still fails. Maybe instead of starting off with the wedding then flashing back, you can show his grandpa and dad working hard while he’s screwing off playing with dangerous tools and accidentally shoots his dad on a ladder with a nail gun. Make the audience laugh at him that he’s trying and that may make them root for him.

Another thing I was constantly told was to avoid overt exposition and it took many rewrites to accomplish this. Instead of everyone complaining about him, show us why he’s bad. You should have more actions as there is a too much dialogue. Instead of him cussing out his workers to do a good job, maybe have him throw some idiotic directions making it obvious he doesn’t know what he’s doing, but the workers follow his directions only to create a bigger mess.

Again, I’m just throwing my thoughts out there, but when Ron wasn’t getting paid because he couldn’t make up an invoice could be stronger. Change to something like his client is frustrated that the work hasn’t even started and it’s because Ron can’t get his shop drawings approved by the city therefore he can’t get the permit. Which may be foreshadowing the city shutting down something before the wedding starts because he didn’t get the permit?

Again, the story was fun to read and I was able to get your tone, but I think you should do a rewrite and focus on Ron being likeable from the beginning so the audience will want him to succeed.

To summarize, I believe these are the main items to work on:
• Cut out the fat and get script to 90-110 pages.
• Make Ron likeable so the audience wants him to succeed.
• Avoid overt exposition and cut a lot of irrelevant dialogue.
• What is Ron’s story? Why is a shoddy contractor?

I would love to read the rewrite, keep me posted and good luck.
 

HIDE, matt's Original Draft

2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Captivating

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
September 26, 2011
Typically I write comedies and focus more trying to make scenes funny. In my review I refrained from commenting on formatting, etc. I feel those are things that can be fixed, but you can’t easily fix creativity and the story itself.

When the killer in a movie isn’t revealed we know it’s sometimes one of the main characters. Typically I’m decent at guessing who the killer is. Subtle hints were dropped like the rumor that the police buried the bodies from a bad bust. I just wasn’t sure who the killer would be.

This was a good police chasing killer(s) script, but at the same time trying to figure out what crimes the other murdered serial killers did. It kept me interested from start to finish.

A comment mentioned that you should cut back some visual details and camera angles. That may be true, but it definitely helped with getting into the scenes.

My personal preference is I want to see the ending unravel a.s.a.p. My only comment with the ending would be when LB, Mendoza, and Ellborn are in the hotel room (oh yeah and hooker, can’t forget her) maybe there can be a series of flashbacks showing LB doing the killings, his travels to get there, how he avoided getting busted, etc. There’s hints throughout the script, but for me the flashbacks would be a “oh yeah that’s right” moment. As I stated before, I try to guess or figure out the killer and I did not expect the ending, now I would just put in an ending reminder to help the audience and even add some more hints throughout.

A final comment is days after reading the script I told my wife about it and she was asking the name of the movie and when did I watch it because she wants to see it.
 

Highly Contagious, The 's 2nd Draft

1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Stoners and Zombies, very nice!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
July 27, 2011
A stoner zombie movie, it doesn’t get much better than that! I enjoyed reading this script and it was fun and I just wanted to give my opinion of things to make it a bit better (or worse depending on my opinion).

The fun part was it kept me interesting in reading it to find out what was going to happen. One issue I had was that with the exception of the characters wanting to “light-up” a joint, their actions and dialogue kind of lost that stereotypical mellow, clueless, stoner quality. They were rather intelligent and thought sometimes. Instead of them being aggressive with an attack on the zombie, have them giggle or a bad trip and attack the zombie more unique and comical. Have a scene were the zombie gets stoned with them and the zombie gets the munchies and tries to eat them and they laugh about it and push the zombie off them.

Angeline is the badass and smart one. Introduce her that way and not just an out of the blue look how smart and tough she is. Maybe too make the cure an accident and then develop the cure from there on.

Again, fun to read and I’m just throwing out there my two cents.
 

Favorite Movies

Caddy Shack
Animal House
Fletch
Dumb and Dumber
Slapshot
Blues Brothers
Terror Firmer
MILF
18 Year Old Virgin
Airplane
 

Influences

Zucker Brothers
Mel Brooks
Peter Farrelly
Naomi L. Selfman
 

Following

0 Projects

1 Person

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