R.G. Miller (wichita ks)

I read only 25 pages of this script, that's 20% of your 103 pages there, I had a problem with connecting with the characters, I thougt the dialogue was way to overboard in street lango
, and you had one interesting moment with the dialogue when you refer to the Mr. sabelli as an "old Nigga" I thought that was diffrent and witty to call another race a nigga out side of just black people, you should look into striping down the trendy dialogue for some replacement bits and parts of witty dialogue, I know that's not realistic but but this drama is gear for wanna be's and rappers at the top already, and most of these people won't be enough to give your film a huge hit it needs because most of them are living the story already... I found your women in the script need some devlopment marsha had no life outside of wating around for the lead character to come home, there is not enough about her for me to understand this motive for doing this! outside of being a urban hoodrat, I can't say much bout Jazz in the first 25 pages she just seem to be a hoe with a bussiness, unless her story unfolds???? the first 25 pages is TV drama with alot of adult cuz'in I also read your synopsis to gather some core of your script, pearson and wax will have a conforntation...humm and marsha starts striping? we the vewier and reader need to here her story a little I don't feel the emotions of pearson and wax other than young agitation and violence, your story needs an older mentor that can be there as character weight for this...one that's been there and done that sort of
if he is there he's not define in the first 25 pages at all.. now this is the first 25 pages, your script might be blooming afther that, but I lost intrest afther the 18's and yawn thru the last 7 pages.. I like the premise..and I seen so many lame rap stories...but I like your Idea put some more strenth in the story structure and emotion out side of rough dialogues most of it is way to much and does not give your characters depth .... they need to be taking to each other not at each other so much...I as a viewer need to care about them and want to follow there story..R.G.