Amy Tordoff Owego, NY

I rated this script 3 stars because I think it's a great idea, but the execution needs some work. I really hope you decide to do another rewrite, because I think it could be a great smart and scary story.

PREMISE: I really loved your premise and your logline, it really got me interested and made me want to read your script.

STORY STRUCTURE: I thought the pacing of the script was too slow for a thriller and I never found myself being really scared. Carol spends half the script alone in the woods or the cabin and nothing creepy happens.

I loved the opening scene driving up to the cabin, it reminded me of the beginning of Evil Dead.
I think it needs to be made creepy much earlier on. Hitting the deer on the way to the cabin was a good moment, but I think it could be enhanced. The pace needs to be picked up and the fear needs to be ramped up, especially for Marianne, or else her "snap" won't be believable. I'm not saying she needs to scream and cry in terror in every scene, but I think we need a deeper reason for her fear and it needs to start building from the beginning. The unexplained photos just don't do it for me, especially the first ones of her sleeping, and I don't think they warrant her putting a gun under the bed. Does she have a history with a stalker? What's her history with the cabin (isn't she okay because of her Indian heritage?) Has she ever seen anything weird there before? Why was she away for so long, and what made her go back? Why is there a photo enlarger in the cabin in the woods? Is she a photojournalist? Was her dad a photographer? I think if the story had more depth, then the suspense could be built up more throughout.

I wasn't really getting the drinking game segment in the middle.

Also, I saw the true identity of the mystery photographer coming from a mile away.

I also didn't understand the purpose of the backpacker and his dog. I didn't find him mysterious or threatening, and never suspected him of involvement.

The car wreck was a great scene, but I think it comes too late in the script. In this draft it seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak, but I think it might be more effective as an inciting event. Would it be more thrilling if the bridge washed out early on in the story, the friends are trapped, and then all these creepy things start happening and they have no way to escape until (the bridge is fixed, a helicopter rescue, etc.) I also think that after the cars wreck, Marianne goes back to the cabin too easily without looking for her friends.

I loved the visual of Marianne sitting in her room with the pool of blood growing until it reachs her feet. After, I was a litle disappointed with the ending. Yes, she snapped, but in the end I felt the script turned from a psychological thriller to a cheesy slasher flick. I'm not saying it needs a happy ending (I don't think that would work with your premise), it just felt off from the rest of the script.

CHARACTER: Generally, I thought the characters were a bit flat and I wanted to know more about them. I wasn't very attached to any of them. I thought Paul was the most likeable, but actually thought they were all pretty rude to Carol for always doing things that she couldn't do and sending her back to the cabin by herself. SPOILERS:

I also didn't think Carol had enough motivation to do what she did. She says she thinks Marc is having an affair with Marianne, and she is insecure, but I still wasn't buying it. Maybe they really are having an affair or maybe they dated years ago and Marc is still in love with Marianne (I know he loves her in this draft, but he never did anything about it, so in my mind, no reason for Carol to be suspicious).

Maybe Carol and Marc have been trying to have kids unsuccessfully and their marriage is on the rocks and she thinks he's going to leave her, or maybe he found out she was having an affair and he's thinking of getting a divorce -- I just think whatever you decide she needs a deeper motivation for her actions.

DIALOGUE: I thought the dialogue was too spot on, too much exposition, and an awkard read.

Example, Carol's Lines:
"You know Marianne, Marc never talks about his college years so you need to tell me some good embarrassing stories about him."

"I don't know. I imagine he did plenty of stupid stuff. Like, did you guys get in trouble, or do pranks... or date each other... anything like that?"

This makes it sound like Carol doesn't know Marianne at all. Why not have Marianne and Marc tell old college stories and maybe Carol is put out because she never heard the story before, for example. Have the characters react to each other instead of explain. Also, show, don't tell. For example, Paul tells Marc he's thinking of proposing and what does the think of the idea (an odd conversation in itself since they don't seem close). Why not show Paul with the ring, maybe hiding it until he's sure he wants to go through with it.

I thought there were some nice moments between Marianne and Paul, like the banter about the waffles and having kids.

EMOTION: I think to be a successful psychological thriller, all the emotions need to be heightened. I don't believe that Marianne is scared until after the car crash scene, and I was not emotionally attached reading it. I liked the resentment you built between Marc and Carol.

I loved your premise and I think this draft gets your basic story down on paper. With some reworking, I think your script has great potetntial to be very smart and very scary, the makings of a great psychological thriller. Looking forward to the next draft!

I chose to rate Impaler's Gold three stars for "it's okay, but needs work." And what first draft doesn't?


Premise:
As a first draft, I like the concept of bumbling theives trying to steal Vlad the Impaler's golden cup, the mysterious leader's most precious treasure that also represents his tyranical rule over his village. As I read the script though, I increasingly wondered why they wanted to steal it? I understand in the beginning, it seems like it would be easy, since it just sits in plain site. They make several attempts that they (too) easily weasel out of, but stick around to try again. Why? It seems to me that once they realize the diffuculty, they could just move on to another crime and cut their losses, what with other bumbling criminals to compete with and the threat of a very humiliating and painful death. What makes the theft of this cup so imporant that they would risk everything to have it? I think it needs to be more than just because it's worth a lot of money to drive the story. Is it for the noteriety? Is it because they are too proud and it supposedly can't be done? Do they have a large debt to settle quickly? The crows want to steal the cup for the noteriety. You get the idea.

Story Structure:
I liked the opening scene of Vlad impaling rats in his cell for stealing his food, it sets up his feelings towards those who take what doesn't belong to them, and the punishment that they deserve. After that scene I was left wondering why he was imprisoned in the first place, and how he escapes to become ruler. Is Vlad's brother involved? I see this is answered later in the script, that his family was given up as ransom, but I still wonder how he ended up ruling.

I was a bit confused at the first scene at the fountain: is there only THE CUP or multiple cups? Someone drinks from a cup, but when Filip reaches for it, he's stopped. Is it all the same cup? Later in the script there is a line that says 'All may drink from it but none may possess it.' This helped clear things up and should come much earlier. The scene that introduces the cup and fountain needs to be very clear, since it is such an important part of the story.

Why does Stephen have a dragon tattoo? Because he impersonates a guard? If it's for a plan, it might be nice to see him getting it put on or washing it off, so we know it's fake and not that he's some secret cousin, unless he is a family member of Vlad and then that needs to be explained. Does Oana have a tatto?

Who did put the enhanced cup in the fountain with the pile of gold?

I think the bats need to come in earlier (actual bats, not just the machine or mention of the bat cave gang), especially if the citizens are scared of them and associate them with the Draculesti, not just a spur of the moment story made up by Oana. Maybe in the beginning Vlad could be impaling creatures in his cell, but not a bat, he hangs it back up on the ceiling or something. It also might be amusing to add some other "vampire humour", like maybe Vlad impales his cook because he puts garlic in his dinner and he hates the taste of garlic or something.

Does Radu recognize his neice, or is he just a creep? Maybe he hasn't seen her since she was a child, or maybe he discovers the family tattoo on her arm instead of her outright telling us she's Vlad's daughter.

If Vlad has a blood drinking disease, then it's blood he's drinking and I don't think you have to call it a thick red liquid. Why would he make others drink it? I'd assume back in the day it wouldn't be easy to acquire and he wouldn't want to waste it on others, unless he's just being creepy. Where does he get the blood, from his impaled victims? If it's an illness, I'd like to see the blood helping him, giving him his strength back -- maybe this could connect him to the bats too, or start a rumour around town that Vlad gets his power from other men's blood.

I was confused at the ending and had to go back and read it. My first reaction was, what, it's over? What just happened? I didn't make the connection that the people would associate the flying machine with Vlad, but setting up his association with bats earlier on in the script may rectify this. Also, didn't the whole town see Vlad at the midnight picnic when the flying machine was also in the air? How does "Vlad" swooping in and taking his cup solidify his repuation, because they think he's a vampire? This does nothing for the hero's story. At that point in the script, don't the Turks think they have the right cup, and the towns people are still terrified of him, so what does Vlad have to gain from this arrangement? We know the Turks have the better army, but would Vlad's brother be deterred by stories that Vlad turned into a vampire bat? Also, there is no tension at the end because Vlad is in on the plan -- they essentially get the cup because he let's them have it. There is nothing at stake, so why do we care about what happens?

Character:
I really enjoyed the relationship between Filip and Antonio, especially the opening pub scene to avoid paying their tab, and the previous conversation: it sets up that they have a history together. I do think Antonio could protest more, since he was just telling Filip they should lay low. I do like the crows, but I think their roles could be more defined by what special talents they bring to the group -- the brains, the muscle, the inventors -- why is each one needed? It would be great if the final plan to steal the cup involves all of the crows using these talents. We see glimpses of what each crow is capable of in their attempts to steal the cup, but never all together. Maybe this is why their plans keep failing? And what's with the monkey? I don't neccessarily mind that he's there, but I feel that it's odd enough that Filip or Antonio should at least say something about it. Also, a minor detail, when I was reading, I kept confusing the names Felix and Filip. I liked the kabob scene with Vlad and Antonio, but Vlad didn't strike me as the kind of person who would care if other people were amused by his jokes, or that would be joking at all for that matter. It seemed off to me. Also, when you described the character, you didn't put any age references. Are they young, old? I kind of imagined them all to be about the same age, 30-40ish, but you might want to specify.


Dialogue:
Generally, I like the dialogue, especially the back and forth between Antonio and Filip and Ciprian and Daniel. I also like the conversations between Antonio and Vlad.


Emotion:
The one scene that really had me drawn in was when Filip was disguised as the headless horseman, but falls from his horse injured and is left in the square with the evidence of his crime and no escape. I was worried about what would happen to him next, much more so than I was when the Turks kidnapped Felix. Right now, Felix is just "one of the Crows" and I'm not emotionally invested in him. I also like the tension between Vlad and Antonio in the kabob scene.

One final reccomendation, if you want to enter your script in the studios competition, be sure to check out Amazon's page on submission requirements to make sure you have your fonts and formatting in order. Also, while I don't believe Amazon has any preference, I found the camera direction very distracting while reading the script, especially in the beginning where you were describing the dolly, focusing, and titles. It took me right out of the story, so it's something you might want to consider changing in your next draft.

Your script was an enjoyable read, and I think you have some solid stuff to work with here. I look forward to reading a second draft!