Christina

I like it, I like it a lot. Here's why it didn't get five:

--premature scenes
we spend all this time watching a micro-drama build up between characters, and just before this hairy situation explodes (or faints) into a full-blown disaster, you cut to the aftermath (primarily the opening--we see the father go woozy, but not Mac; and then all-of-a-sudden they're both in the ambulance getting treated!)

--The Big Reveal
once we learn that Vicky's behind the kidnapping, the story's over; the rest is loose ends. Unfortunately, that leaves 30pgs/30mins of dotting i's and crossing t's. (do you think it's possible to focus on Ozawa more and let Vicky's role linger until the Jungle...)

--The Jungle
this ending really annoyed me. [First], it got a little confusing; virtually everyone in the script converges on the place, and their arrivals really screw with the chronological progression.
[Second] That many people in the same place--how aren't they tripping over each other? In the back of my mind I'm like where's Samson; where's the Dad (why can't I remember his name!)--and why did he stay with Nastya; shouldn't he be stopping his daughter from instigating the "Russians" [and for the record, I like the Grandfather's idea best,--just bury them in the garden]
[Third] mind-erasing pills!--with as much memory loss as she has, why not use the Men-in-Black gizmo... (ok, so maybe I don't really have a legitimate gripe here--but it's just such a unrealistic Hollywood ending; and it avoids the gay issue; was she playin' the nurse-or-wasn't she?)

--The Manilla Envelope
it's their special father/daughter moment, and presumably that's his envelope, so why is the grandparent's pearl necklace with his things? It doesn't work (especially since we find out that was the grandparent's vault); placing it there creates complications later when we find out who the grandparents are. I think you can avoid those issues by forgetting it, and also strengthen this moment by keeping their story focused on the father/mother situation.

Hope this helps, and you know I'll discuss any questions you've got.
christina

It's an odd mix.

TECHNICAL ASPECTS
--sentences and paragraphs
It's written in blocks which doesn't let the action flow down the page. I think it's not so much of an issue of spacing, but rather an issue of Too Much Information. (for instance, the orderlies push a gurney, fumble with keys, looks in the window, something-something; all that nothing is burning up film--get rid of it I don't want to see it, and it's even more tedious reading it every time people do things)(the scene with Josh/Deb--great use of getting action to flow down; the dialogue helps that, but if you're blocks were short and kept moving onto the next big event, it'll read faster and more furiously)
--subtle subtext
Instead of taking a sentence to explain Herbie Whoever is a teacher, just call him Professor Herbie; it'll do two things for you--[1] less words on page, less chance of confusing reader (which I was; totally my lack of attentive reading, but if this happens to a potential buyer...) [2] um, may have over hyped it a bit, but really--the less I have to read, the better I'll understand.
--reoccurring characters
The orderlies reappear later, so I'd name them (plus remind us where we saw them) to make them special.
--WE SEE
It's redundant; everything in the descriptor is what you want us to see--so be more selective (which secretly allows you to be more directive), and don't include so much junk, show me what's important and avoid telling me all the sappy details...
--transitions
You have a lot happening simultaneously and it's important to show that, but be very careful of just pushing random scenes into artificial breaks. (like Midge/Josh's break from car to apartment--you cut to Deb looking around island house. This was very unbalancing for me, because you jump right back into Midge/Josh's conversation virtually where we left off, minus his tedious catch up) Those types of suspense building shots are better done when the cut-betweens aren't so serious--does that make sense?

PLOT CONCERNS
--a few factiods
[1] title object doesn't appear until pg 44.
[2] first death pg 19.
[3] plot elements fall into place (main-girl/killer heading towards same vicinity) pg 43.
(about my pg numbers: RTF and Apple are mortal enemies, I've gotten them to work together--just barely; so my numbers seem bigger--this script has 124 pgs by my count)

--to me, the introductory phase is way too long. with us privy to Alex's spree, Midge is a bona-fide psychic and every episode she has drags out the plot. Also Josh's relationship can fit into any down time between horror-episodes, his long talks with Deb/Midge are too slow to be generating early excitement.

--why stop there; it doesn't really end.
Yes, Deb gets away, and Midge did her job, but you started with Alex and introduced him as a character so finish his arc.

--I feel like your using two POV strategies to deliver the story; Alex's killer POV -vs- Midge's supernatural intuition, and they're undoing each other. Every time Midge has a vision, our time with Alex undoes the natural suspense of her psychic credibility/how it relates to her. And cutting to Midge takes away from the horror of this loose psycho killer. There at first it was like he might not kill Judy, but then she just kept talking, and he really had no choice (theoretically speaking as a psycho-killer that is); that was interesting--a new version of an old game: will he kill her, or will he not? but we can't stay and explore that, because of Midge and her thing...

That's my opinion anyway, I hope it helps.
christina

I'm conflicted. Do I like it? Not really, but now that I have to justify it--well, it's more like I have reservations.

First, it was an easy read. I wasn't bogged down with the story telling, and the story flowed steadily from the beginning.

A word about commenting on character's emotions, I felt there was a tendency to spell out their emotional state rather than having the character acting it out. (For instance: Mika is upset that Brianna takes an interest in Jaden's dancing. Him crushing his origami money does the job wonderfully; the extra bit about warrior jealousy--good for novellas, but not the screen.)

Ok, I'm getting too directive, so let me just start listing my concerns for the movie-version.

--The Disney Version
For a mugger/thief Jaden's about as Mickey Mouse as they come. Brianna could pull it off, even Sydney (once we get to know her), but Jaden... The mugging doesn't fit Jaden (now if Brianna told him, yeah, but on his own--he's not waist deep yet; there's still his check and Brianna was an afterthought).
Also it turns out really nice. Just a gripe of mine here; I doubt a studio would want a grittier ending.

--Getting into Gear
At around pg 40 I started falling out of the moment. I feel there was a little too much time in between his petty crime and his headlong plunge. Lets see there's a date, more home time, the jewelry! to pay back the $40. Okay, I consider this another petty crime, it's his same MO, I'll pay them back--a repeat basically that doesn't really do much for your plot other than to draw it out. (I wonder if the mugging could occur at that first date and then avoid the jewel theft--which also has parallels with the burglary-for-$3K).

--Flashbacks and Rehashes
1) It's not like we didn't get a first hand view of all Jaden's crimes, so revisiting them seems redundant.
2) I worry about having so many flashbacks at the end. Visually, it's tedious; the story's momentum stops to go back, and there's always the chance you loose the audience during the jump. (Another suggestion: go ahead and address those loose ends with Sydney as a prominent figure in the scene--that way you don't have Sydney miming in a vacuum, and her extortion rounds might not come off as sooo far fetched).

Like I said, I'm conflicted. I didn't have any trouble forcing myself to get to the end, but at the same time I wasn't enthralled--probably the genre. I wouldn't be surprised to see it in the chase for Nov's family & kids contest.

Oh, if you have the time, could you please take a look at my script The Miati?
http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/9106

Hope this Helps
christina

I saw your post in one of the forums. It sounded like you wanted advise on the technical aspect of the script more than a review of the premise, so I'll try and focus on that.

**Warning, I'm critiquing while writing**

--First Impressions
Novel-like detail to events; a lot of nothing happening. Start scenes at the tail end of the typical experience, and get right into what you are trying to show us. Also, avoid stating a character's mood/feelings--this needs to be done through actions/surroundings (the kid is looking in the mirror and messing with his glasses--he's uncomfortable, no need to harp on that).

--Pacing; it's slow.
1) The reading starts getting tedious, with us covering a lot of the little things. (like in class; I don't need the whole WWI history lesson all over again) Oh, and don't stop to worry about things like the lighting.
2) Plot building. Ten pages in at this point, and I don't see how this is leading to murder; if this was CSI, I'd be demanding some leads (like does Nathan have a hit-list; or what about those kids--what was that about, and then there's that ****bully--what's got him kicking?)

--Dialogue
Think of this as a tool. It can direct the progress of action through a scene, or you can use it to drop hints and confuse the facts. The best dialogues carry us through tough situations and can add a touch of humor to push along a dull stretch. Our characters should come alive when they talk; their personality opens up and how they interact with others helps us understand their relationships within the film.

I feel like you limit dialogue to that gap filler that gets us between that opening shot and the time it takes to start the scene... Make your characters conversate more (I like that scene with Barb/Don at the dinner table (post-therapy), we really see how Barb can be...controlling while Don's either very patient or unconcerned)

--WHOA!
what happened? how long has Nathan been missing, and why are Barb/Don--hesitant; and who's Zack?
These issues shouldn't be a shocker...it would be good for plot building if:
A) we'd seen Zack before (good or bad; if you want to make us suspect him that's fine, just get our eyes on him sooner)
B) Nathan had been our guide through this, pulling him out now is so unfair, it sours me as a reader--what else has happened that you've neglected to mention--or worse, left out!

okay, I read a page more--I've settled...

--Oh.
I see why that's so awkward then.

Look, to me the grit and the soul of this script is Nathan; letting these Forensics bozos take over makes it about DNA and fingerprints--there's no humanity anymore and the value of the script falls onto the quality of the mystery (which dies once Barb/Don start talking).

I said something about staying out of premise politics, so I'll stop here. I think I've covered most of what needs refining anyhow. But for the record, I initially starred this script at 3-starts 10pgs in--before it became an investigation.

Hope this helps.
christina

Well written and easy to follow, with a concise plot; overall a solid script. Not 5 stars though; I'm having a hard time justifying it, because it read so easily--but I worry about visual impact. Very disturbing acts of violence are hard to watch, and once you joyously off that kid, I'm not sure I'd be too hopeful of Paul standing up to watch more (because usually in movies it only gets worse).

That being said, it was a compelling read. (And I forgive you for having that kiddo shot.)

--The First Ten
It's a cutesy beginning, but the story doesn't start until Hurricane Theo starts passing out hundreds--which leaves me asking, what's the point of the car jacking and the sparring?
**okay post-reading impression; I see how time with mom/Greg/jacking/sparring all fit into the story of Paul, but this ten-page introduction needs streamlined (forget the club opening, start with gym match, then to the stolen wheels and the night out where we meet Theo, go to the morning after, and then onto the plane and into the adventure...)

--I've got that weird creepy feeling...
this is great. The story is coming together. There's Theo, the job, the island situation, Lena's gun; it's all on a strong surge forward and then Mike spills ALL the beans. It's good he's giving us insight about the fight room and stuff, but I think it's too soon to learn they're trapped (because once Paul realizes that--then the plot needs to shift, and you're not ready for that shift yet).

--Tempo.
It started slow for me, and picked up once Theo started blowing through the coke. It's getting a little dull, now that Paul's seen the dark side and isn't concerned. I'm still reading on, so it's not dead-panned, just a little out of sync....

Also the scenes though here aren't cohesive; before when it flowed faster, it was Paul's experience, Lena's experience; Theo's world, the Henchmens' world. That duality isn't there anymore (which it had to dry up otherwise it gets formulaic), and now the cuts to Paul/Lena/Aaron/Mike aren't building on each other, and the pace is starting to lull.

--Rebel Fighting.
Some technical issues here.
-The mini-slugline FOREST; it hung me up, use Mark or Paul there to be less ambiguous.
-Nicolas steals Paul's mask, CHANGE SCENE (or at least a mini-slug) before switching to Mark.

--Too intuitive.
At times the descriptions are too much about what he's thinking rather than about what can be seen.
Same with actions, you tend to tell us what's happened rather than showing us the results... Like the aftermath of the Rebel raid, all the islanders are dragged out. Here is a subtle opportunity for you to be the director--so instead of glossing it over, say that the last islander is hauled out into a long line with the other captives (or something like it).

--Okay, so a small apology.
Just learned about Nicolas and the car jacking; but at this point the revelation isn't that big a deal with everything that's happened. Just a thought, but what if a car-jacker was unmasked and recognized sooner?

--Fact Check
-Detonators provide a spark, so that the c4 can ignite and go boom. Paul needs to stick an explosive in/on Aaron.
-And the car won't outrun the security footage, but that's really a moot point since the drive-up is supposed to be the distraction. They want all the henchmen to stop and watch--not sneak by unseen.

TYPO-- it says Mike and Aaron meet up with Nicolas, you mean Paul there. (first line of INT. UNDERGROUND HALLWAY SYSTEM - SERBER COMPLEX - DAY)

--The Ending.
Once you get to the raid on the rebels you really pick the story up and run with it. No more lulls--great navigating though the downfall after Lena's death (however why does a guy like Theo let Paul live? I thought maybe Paul ought to have outsmart/have help out of whatever death-game Theo had in mind).

And then you get to the end and close hard and fast. It's exciting. Paul's leap is great, totally unexpected, but fitting with everything that's happened.

Hope this helps. I have a script The Miati, if you get the time I'd appreciate your opinion.
http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/9106

Let me just remind you, that your thoughts were that it was uninspired...

I agree. I'm not exactly sure how to help you though; it wasn't obvious to me where you wanted to go with this, or exactly what story you wanted to tell so I'll just point some things out.

--first, a word about your beloved adverbs.
They're obscure and they are many; which ruins the feel of the setting and makes it cumbersome to read.

--Manchester -vs- Michael
Manchester is a cooler name; it's unique. Also there's a glitch with his dialogue tag on page 5--that threw me for a loop until I tracked back to see they're the same guy.

--Drive.
I feel the soul of the story is Manchester and it's his path to revenge/understanding that compels the story forward. Unfortunately, the way it's told doesn't focus on that.

--So many names. So many faces.
It seems like every scene I'm meeting a new group of croonies rather than discovering more about the plot. Work on developing a few characters and their relationship-webs faster. The sooner things start overlapping and intertwining the more interesting it is.

--Time Traveling.
1. I love Katie's appearances--this helps the story track back when you need to, and it has the potential to make Manchester likeable.
2. Irregular jumps. There wasn't a steady pattern (like reliving past key-events); and it wasn't always clear how the mobster scenes fit into Manchester's timeline. Even with words, I had a hard time understanding how it all fit chronologically.

--Character development.
-it's too slow, if it happens at all. Manchester is well represented, however this doesn't happen until pg 20-something.
-underdevelopment-- With so many mobsters--their roles in the plot aren't clear.

Again, I hope this helps. Sorry it comes off so harsh.

If you have time I'd appreciate your opinion of my script; The Miati.
http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/9106?