A. D. Norton (Los Angeles)

Wow, this is really cool looking and clearly professional quality test film! I love all the little touches, stylistic choices which draw you into the story! It's a visual feast and visually stunning! I love deep sea type mystery movies with a broader discovery so I'm a sucker for this type of story. Amazing job! I don't have a ton to add but if I get chance to edit and put up a more through and detailed review I will. As far as test movies go -- it's a top notch execution visually and is quite dazzling! I also love the almost Tarantino-esque retro silhouette credit graphic. Those kinds of details are nice and fit the genre of the film. WOW. Fantastic work!

IMPRESSIVE

Absolutely awesome read. Really good work, Lauri. I was immediately drawn in and totally captivated. (Full disclosure: I also have a script on here with a female protagonist in the wild west! What is it about the west, girls and horses!?) At any rate – this read like a good novel – it just SPED along and zoomed. Also – masterful use of period locale & language/ wild west slang. Great job.

The biggest strength of this script is that it's a GREAT read -- it zipped along. I read the first 40 pages and plan on reading the rest (I'll amend my review if/when I do). That's no easy feat -- kudos on that.

Your biggest strengths here are characterization and dialogue. It's rock solid. I was totally drawn into the world, believed all the characters, the locale, the dialogue 100%. So clearly this is basically not in amateurland... in analyzing further:

----> My overall/biggest note is: I'd remember to keep the connection to the brother as he's not present in the story and REMIND the audience of Charlie's bond and connection to her brother so that we WANT her to get revenge.

I would say the biggest weak point might be a bit on structure or (lack of) a plot driver. Now that comes with a big "it depends." Because if you're doing a solid drama, coming of age, western type story -- you don't necessarily need to move the story along at a great clip. As it reads now, it's not slow, we're not bored at all but-- structurally it's drawn out. If you are doing a revenge type western, there are a few ways to fix your structure.

If you wanted to amend this, there are a few simple ways you could do it. One would to bring the "revenge goal" in sooner. Right now we get to it, Charlie starts to think about it, around page 34-36 and still doesn't have the specifics yet. Like I said, it's a genre thing and a stylistic thing if you wanted to ramp that up sooner. You could even hint at it the first time Frank meets Charlie in the barn at the orphanage. Or... maybe what I'm really saying is that -- we need to see the *development* of Charlie's NEED for revenge. Just a few callback moments would be effective: at night, she reads her brother's circled passeges in his beloved bible by candlelight; she holds onto his letter -- the last one she ever got -- as a treasured possession (you could even have her lose it when the coach tumbles and scramble to find it) -- this would give us more of a connection to her brother even though he's not present in the story. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND HER WANT TO GET REVENGE.

This can also be accomplished by making us hate the villain, Ingram. By showing him somehow.
Although I don't like Finch (and I don't know if he comes into play later?) you might want to get rid of Mrs. Fletcher arranging her to work for him as a plot device. IS THIS A STRONG ENOUGH MOTIVE or the BEST motive? Might it not be better if getting revenge spurns her on to run away? Just a thought.

That's my biggest note: it's excellently done but we might need more of a throughline for the protagonists' motives to the plot -- that way we can have a sense that she's really striving and moving through the plot as opposed to just reacting or inhabiting the world. Not all protagonists have to be goal driven but in a "revenge" type structure -- we need to feel the need for revenge and see the development.

In short - Charlie's a GREAT character but needs to have a bit clearer motives propelling her through the story.

Again, this is to page 40 so if this turns into more coming of age and not revenge then the above may (or may not) apply, genre dictates a lot of the structural elements and changes.

One minor note: I’d like to see the “horrors” of sewing, at least to Charlie, and being stuck with “girls” work. There has to be a way to quickly show how incredibly monotonous and boring it would be to her. Whereas some girls may find it restful/peaceful and enjoy gossip, she can’t stand it. Then we’d feel when she’s assigned to work outside with the horses – her true nature – what a relief it would be for her and that even in tragedy there can be opportunity to change. Again, not anything that would take over the story or distract but just to play up that angle a bit. Just a thought.

Noted challenge: with westerns we've seen it all before so that is the biggest hurdle a writer faces -- making it compelling despite the fact that it's stereotypical really, despite our best efforts. Imho, you surpass that so that it's not even an issue, the characters are compelling.

GREAT READ.

GOOD JOB & GOOD LUCK!!!

HEARTFELT, MAGICAL, MYTHIC - WITH LOTS OF POTENTIAL TO BE DEEPLY MOVING!

The beginning is pretty heartfelt and you clearly are a competent writer. This is a heavy drama/ fantasy, at times may even be a bit melodramatic however you side-step this problem nicely and it reads heartfelt. The strengths are the premise – it has a TON of potential. I find it fascinating. I’d really work to dig a little deeper. My notes are through the first 20 por so ages so keep that in mind as some of the story issues may be fleshed out later in the script. Overall good job! I really like where you’re going with it. I do believe it would be even better with more development to the deeper, metaphorical and mythical layers.

Even by page 20, it begins to feel a bit repetitive without a clear sense of rising stakes so that it reads a bit episodic. She flies at night and hangs out with the birds. Since it’s such a magical premise and an interesting, mystical or mythical, idea – it needs to be exploited more – WAY MORE. It’s almost like the premise could make a mythical children’s picture book.

The myth of a child turning into a bird should feel somewhat magical, rather than getting bogged down in the reality. I know there is meaning galore here but for some reason I didn’t *FEEL* it as much as I wanted to. In other words – what’s at stake? What are the risks? The big question: WHY. This doesn’t need to be spelled out but needs to be sensed. Obviously it’s a connection to her recently killed father… but we need to *FEEL* that connection. There are a number of ways you can accomplish this. For example, instead of her father giving her the “doll with the acorn hat” and the necklace magically appearing -- her father could give her a necklace with a bird. Then the bird lights up and she flies. OR her father could give her a necklace and then one night – a bird lands on her windowsill, flies over to the necklace and turns into a bird charm on her necklace, etc. These are just off the top of my head but then when the fantasy/magical element happens – it’s more directly linked to her father and we feel that deep bond/connection. I am guessing you reveal this connection later but we need to feel it in the beginning.

Another missed moment or not fully exploited is visiting her father’s grave scene. It could be the perfect opportunity for her to notice a bird on his grave. I get into this in the notes below – but usually in a mythical story like this – there is some need – a deep inner psychological need for the child to turn into a bird and fly away at night. This becomes a STORY NEED – or your MAIN DRAMATIC QUESTION. In your story – that is HEALING. It is also DEATH. But more specifically – HOW DO WE STAY CONNECTED TO LOVED ONES WHO’VE DIED?

---> just thinking about this makes me teary eyed and I think your story has the potential to be deeply moving. Touching in a real way – offering a magical tale of how a daughter stays connected to her father. Maybe that bird sitting on the grave is her father? Again, I haven’t read the whole script so maybe you already get there but maybe all her nightly wanderings are trying to find her father… as a bird… and finally she does and they talk and she’s somewhat HEALED. These are just thoughts… but you can see where I’m going…

The point is – your story gets caught up in details but we lack a meaning or knowing really why we should care. The more connected you get to the mythical/mystical elements – which by that I mean the metaphor of the story – and the more we understand her connection to her dad – the more we will care about what happens.

When you have a soldier and his daughter and the solider leaving and dying, you run the risk of being maudlin/ heavy handed/melodramatic. You walk that line pretty well, I really liked the opening airport scene – it was heartfelt and I bought into it. Your writing style is good, clear and concise and you clearly have a good grasp. I would just dig a little deeper.

Without sounding too pretentious – your premise also offers the opportunity to deal in metaphor. A child who can “fly away like a bird” – literally -- is already heavily metaphoric. I wanted to feel the metaphor more… the moment of soaring and flying away and to get a sixth sense of why this is happening. As it reads now, for me, it’s a bit too (not completely) but a bit to mundane in describing it as if you want to get it “out of the way” to get on to the story. The first time it happens, we need to go with her and something symbolic, mystical, metaphorical but mysterious needs to happen. Something that she doesn’t understand but will piece together later.

I love your title and I think there’s deep layers here to mine – which is good because the premise of your story does not fall flat at all – but as a reader I want you to do the work of mining all those layers and then presenting the story to me in a magical, engrossing way so I can be entertained and drawn in to caring about the characters.

2 minor notes: look at your use of “lays” and “lies.” I am not a stickler for grammar or formatting (beyond the basics) but everyone has their peccadillos and it’s a common mistake and easy to fix. (Page 7 "lays" etc.).

The rhyming: I’m not sure about this choice. I find it limiting. I think characterization is better than rhyming and if every bird character rhymes it could get tiresome. I do like it in moments, so maybe just ONE of the birds rhymes or they only RHYME once or at night or something. I like that she picks up on it and brings it back home to the dinner table too.

Really solid work and interesting premise that would be fun to see and read it go further. As it stands, the first 20 pages are good; these are just impressions on how to take it even further. I also know that some of this may be resolved later in the script as well so keep that in mind.

Also – keep in mind that I don’t say it lightly that this is a premise with lots of potential. It’s difficult to create a compelling and original premise. You need to really dig deep, think about why you wrote this story, and its potential to HEAL others as well.

Good work! Good luck!

Similar Films: Indiana Jones Raiders/ National Treasure/ Pirates of the Caribbean
Genre: Period Action/Adventure
Milieu/Locale: WWII Zeppelins, blimps & the jungle/Congo (archeology)
Time Period: pre-WWII - 1940
Market: Male & Female 25+ / PG-13 (so could be 14 and up)

Gary, I think you did an amazing job with the test movie, it's fantastic. Definitely one of the best test movies to date on Amazon Studios (from the ones I’ve seen).

Why? Because it does a great job of integrating all the potential film’s elements: character, story, action set pieces (as well as solid performances).

It’s the most realized characters and story – fully integrated. It gives you a good flavor of the script. (I was going to both read the script and watch your test film but after watching it, really seemed unnecessary to read it as I got a fairly good idea from the test film).

Sky Pirates is an ambitious project. I'm a sucker for history, Nazis and adventure (and so is everyone, I think)! I think 81/2 to 9 out of 10 times you deliver. You hit it out of the park in terms of storyboarding your story. The multitude of frames is impressive and by the time some of the rougher frames appear, we barely notice because we’re engrossed in the story.

Is it ready to go from storyboard to feature film? Probably not quite because it needs to be fleshed out a bit more in act two. Major kudos. I know how much work goes into this… it's a compelling test film. The storyboard art is very compelling, I was engrossed in the story. I found the pacing mostly just right. I was impressed by how quickly it moved. I pretty much agreed with Amazon's Story Dept. notes. (Except I didn't think Sara asking about dresses in the beginning is that big of a deal. It stood out a bit, though, so maybe re-think it). I really like Sara, she's a compelling character. Jack Danger is solid too. You’re good at creating likeable and relatable characters we root for. You are also good at set-ups.

{The following is only food for thought, meant as inspiration for you (not some sort of criticism because it's very good as it stands) but if you plan on developing further or rewriting it might spark something}:

CHARACTERIZATION:

Hats off to you for your character development. You show solid arcs. Yes, we've seen the cocky rogue protagonist at odds with the woman trope before (Hans Solo, Indy etc.) but we still love it. We still want to see it. I feel they consummate their feelings a bit too quickly. I like the scene and how she kisses him and I bought into it but it seemed a little quick. I thought the dialogue was good and even humorous but I would like some clever dialogue here and there, maybe even for Sara, she’s a great character.

STORY & PACING

In terms of story, the pacing was on target. The one aspect to change for pacing might be to offer some transitions... that feeling of letting us breathe for a moment between scenes/sequences (which I am certain is just part of the test film process, where you had to edit it down). The characterizations are strong, perhaps there were too many characters and some could be pared down. (For some reason, I wanted Jack Danger to replace the ‘drinking captain’ which might not work for the logistics of your story but they seemed different sides of the same coin in terms of character).

Your first two reversals were good, I didn’t see them coming (her father being killed and when she fell off, into the water).

STAKES & SUSPENSE

The number one issue I would say is that you need to clarify. We need bits and pieces of the puzzle revealed as we go. This will help ramp up the stakes. When clarity of purpose is muddled – stakes become muddled. You don’t have to give it away but we have to feel the stakes are very high.

You need to ramp up our stakes and involvement in act two so we are on the edge of our seat. I was definitely on the ride with the action sequences but there could be more clarification on Sara’s agenda and what’s at stake to ramp it up. There could also be more suspense throughout.

We do lose Jack for a bit of the film as well and it would be good to feel him driving some of the action more. Maybe he’s really into trying to ferret out where this gold is… since you have strong set-ups that work… I think you could follow the throughline a bit more: his goal to get the gold has to be at cross purposes to Sara’s goal. Sara’s goal is to find the Temple, to take the gold and then to destroy the gold and the Nazi Zeppelin… ? That is a bit confusing that her goal changes. We get that it’s the Atom bomb but maybe if he’s focused on the gold and she’s focused on something else… and he has a blind spot to the Nazis and the war, that could cause conflict.

Maybe he’s really a spy? Or she is?

There are probably some simple ways you could ramp up the suspense and some conflict between your characters as they try to find the temple. . I wanted more of a wow factor when finding the temple, the “ahhhh” moment of lots of gold and some sort of amazing treasure feeling.

One note, perhaps you’ve considered this but how about… a twist?

I feel like your story needed a twist. What if her father is alive? They’ve forced him to decipher? What if Sara’s a British spy & works for the M16 and is going to steal the gold tablets for her government? You probably don’t want to do those but they’re just to show that you could use some kind of twist at the end.

We could also use a few more set pieces – we need a “money shot.” You have some great ones and great action set pieces but I would love to see one really unique one (like Indy’s running from the boulder). The dogfights are probably the best. I think the heroes could get into a lot more predicaments in the jungle, with wild animals, caves, getting lost etc.

You & your team knocked it out of the park with the entertaining story, storyboard art, music, and the dialogue track which was excellent!


Story Notes:
Strengths:
Character arcs – very likeable & we root for them
Premise – haven’t really seen this idea before in this way
Milieu – fun archeology and WWII & jungle
Structure – solid pacing with good act points and beats

Weakness:
Conflict/Obstacles – our heroes need more obstacles to reaching their destination in act two, need to get into more adventurous predicaments. Perhaps they get caught between warring Pygmy tribes. They get lost in a cave, fall down into quicksand, maybe the two heroes are alone in the jungle while the others back on the zeppelin have to figure it out.

Suspense – we need more suspenseful moments. We also could use a twist at the end.

Cleverness- if you’re going the National Treasure route maybe add some more puzzles in there for her to solve and also some clever moments and dialogue.

Set-pieces – we need one “money shot” – a unique set-piece.

If you want to attract a top actor, you need to have Jack Danger show a bit more range. I love the idea that he doesn’t feel fear and that at the one moment he does, you could play this up more (vs. exposition).

Fantastic job & best of luck!