Mike Atencio (El Dorado)

I have taught people to write and have written about twenty screenplays myself. The first thing that jumps out at me is this reads like a novel. It's great if I was going to read the story but not so great if I want to visualize the story.

Screenplays are visual stories. They have to show, not tell. Your's is more telling. I'm from Louisiana until a couple months ago and generally know the swamp country you describe. You do okay telling me about it. Now show me. Here's an example:

(From your first page) *** is my example

EXT. ATCHAFALAYA SWAMP - DAY (TWILIGHT) <(don't use parentheticals here)
A beautiful golden red sunset. Tall cypress, thick roots, long hanging Spanish Moss are black silhouettes against the sunset.
*** I would put in stuff to get me to feel the mood here... Locusts winding up, fish hit the surface of the water, the smell is that of rotting vegetation and swamp gas, a slight ripple across the water alerts that a gator is near.

***My way of writing this (briefly): The sounds of birds nesting and feeding, locusts rattling and fish hitting mosquitoes fill the evening swamp. Warm, humid air washes over the landscape filling his lungs with swamp gas and rotting vegetation.

EXT. SWAMP - TWILIGHT
Extreme close up of a man's unshaven rugged face, lined with years of hard labor in a hostile country.

The sweat forms across his brow just below his hat brim and streaks down his cheeks.

EXT. SWAMP - CONT.
Spanish Moss and thick tree canopy block most of the day's remaining light and frame the world with eerie shadows. The sound of feeding birds fills the landscape until off in the distance the sound of oars drawing through the water alerts a small doe by the water's edge to run.

EXT. SWAMP - BOAT
A small boat comes into view in the distance. A man rows slowly as if to blend in with the surroundings. It approaches closer until his details are visible. The man pulls the oars into the boat and drifts to a stop.

We move in closer to examine the man. Ballew Dragun is a strong man. His white shirt is filthy, he's unshaven and wears a denim vest. A cigarette hangs from his mouth. The red stained Purina feed-store ball cap sits low to block light from his eyes as he scans the horizon, seeking out his prey. He rolls the cigarette to a corner of his mouth just as water splashes. He freezes and his eyes lock on to a target we can't see.
BALLEW DRAGUN
You're mine Bubba.

Ballew reaches down for the compound bow and arrow in the bottom of his camouflaged flatboat, never taking his eyes off the catch. With one quick move, he turns the hat to the side with the bow and draws the bow back, a roped arrow is notched, ready to fly at the right moment. He aims beside the hull into the murky blackness of the water and foliage, steadies his boat carefully then lets loose. The arrow flies straight and true. "KA-THUNK" The calm water suddenly turns into a frothing, boiling hell as the gator slams his tail hard against the hull.

Ballew falls back onto the seat dropping the bow into the flatboats hull, then anchors himself into the boat as the gator pulls the boat into the swamp. Low hanging branches swipe at his face as the gator tries to escape. Finally, it goes into a death roll.*** End of example

BALLEW DRAGUN rows his boat, stops, stands, and reverses the baseball cap on his head. He too is a black ominous silhouette against the sunset. He picks up a bow and arrow. A rope is tied to the arrow. He takes careful aim at an alligator slithering toward him, then shoots into the black waters, which immediately appears to boil and look like fire with the reflection of the setting sun.
EXT. MOTEL - NIGHT
THREE DARK GOVERNMENT CARS are in single file with the engines running and an F.B.I. AGENT standing at the drivers door of the back two cars.
From three motel rooms come seven F.B.I. AGENTS all dressed in suits. They are escorting KELLI PARSONS, tight jeans, T-shirt and tennis shoes.
One agent moves to the rear car while RICHARD STALEY, JERRY HYATT, DEL, RALPH and MIKE walk Kelli to the middle car.
Jerry, Del and Ralph continue to the lead car.
JERRY
You think Staley will make it with that Parsons woman?
DEL
He's done it before, I'm sure he'll try again. She is a looker.
RALPH
Doing that cost him his last wife. Jerry did you call your mother?
Jerry appears surprised and maybe even a little nervous.
JERRY
Yeah, she's feeling a lot better.
DEL
They sure want Parsons bad. I wonder how they found us again?
JERRY
Beats the hell outa me.
Jerry eyes Del and Ralph. He is looking for something when he asks...

*** you can do a lot with the motel scene too. Describe the motel. Is it seedy, has neon lights, any signs? what about other people nearby - the desk clerk or a maintenance man. Is there a stray cat searching for food? What color are the doors? What's the room look like inside? Are the agents all wearing a uniform suit or is any of them wearing Armani? Who would stand out as living beyond his means and tempted to take a bribe? Dress him better than the rest to make him stick out and make him arrogant and demanding. Show us he's a jerk and intro us to her, your heroine. Is she sassy, brash, bold or shy, timid and frail - show me what you see. I look forward to a reread. I hope I helped you out with these suggestions. You got through the hard part. Writing it and finishing it. Now just go back and show us and you'll do great. I see it in your work.