Eric C. Dickson (Leesburg)

I enjoyed the simplicity of the opening sequences with Archer and his analog communication device. Quiet, no dialogue. A man and his obsession over the years. I liked how he's keeping his experiment a secret from the other scientists at the observatory.

We see him over a period of years, aging, then arriving at the book store in a limousine with an ipad. His obsession hasn't changed with the changing times as he introduces himself to Colin, our main protagonist. He's offering Colin a major appraisal job at the Dibble library. I like how he's a recent widower with nothing keeping him at home. He's ready to get out of the dark, depressing house full of his kids toys and memories of his recently destroyed life. This was good. He quickly accepts the job.

I didn't see Maddy coming and I like that she's an unwelcome presence. I'm sure these two will learn to like each other as Maddy lets her hair down, but we'll be anxiously waiting for that moment to happen. And it happens fairly soon as Colin shares his findings in the diary with Maddy. They check the attic for more material as Maddy physically and literally lets her hair down, using the pin to unlock the mysterious glowing chest. There's twice the tension here. What's inside the chest and what's going on between Colin and Maddy. This is good.

What's sort of off-putting for me is the constant back and forth between 1781 and present day. The diaries are very effective as I would personally like to hear more from them and not show as much of the UFO crash and crash site. The Close Encounter-ish scene where the UFO moves closer to the Dibble home was effective because we aren't sure what's happening and where these lights are coming from. Granted, that movie wasn't very subtle in not showing the spacecrafts, but it was in the opening sequences where Richard Dreyfuss was reading his map and when Melinda Dillon's boy was getting taken by the aliens. The diaries lose their power when we see everything played out in front of us. It's like Colin is merely telling us what we're about to see. This gets kind of old for me...

But by page 45, Colin and Maddy are searching for the crash site and things are exciting again. Let's see what happens next.

I liked using the diary to piece together where the crash site map has been hidden. In pieces all over the house. I enjoyed how they used stick figures holding circles (rocks) to show how the kids have buried the ship. Very Amazing Stories, Spielbergish. Cute. They come across the ship fairly quickly, which leaves us with a lot of story to go.

I found The Dibbles naming the alien Bronte and teaching him English was a bit cutesy pie and leaning more towards an ET or Harry and the Hendersons feel. There's a real change in tone here based on the first half of your script. It comes off a bit strange and kills that early tension I felt from the first diary, but the story is also getting more and more interesting as the other aliens come for him.

All the shooting and alien invasion stuff is kind of strange, but is a nice visual to go with our eighteenth century backdrop. I gotta say, I'm very confused who Bronte is and where he comes from, but I like the suspense being built here. The other aliens want him and they want him bad. I did get a sense here that Bronte was actually Archer, and that Archer knew the return of his people was near when we see Bronte morphing back and forth between human and alien. Although, I wasn't quite sure. This, and Mary, were nice reveals at the end.
Maddy and Colin finally get their moment and she's sucked into the spaceship. Nice shock value and some light comedy.

Great ending with the teenager having the hots for Kate. "She's too old for you".
This was a page turner for the most part, but I did lose interest in a few spots with all the back and forth between present day and 1781. This takes away from the diaries, which was the most interesting concept about your script.

I was hoping for more of the diaries, piecing together more clues, without us seeing everything played out on screen. More mystery. But going the mystery route would mean a huge rewrite and change in tone to your story. Bronte becomes a real life character, not just an idea, which he really was in the first half of the script. I didn't find him all that interesting or really wanting to follow his journey, but I think you have enough strong reveals and surprises here to keep people invested and a great, triple whammy of an ending!

My only advice. More of the diaries. And give the initial Bronte scenes more of an impact. How does he learn from humans so effortlessly? E.T. had certain trademarks that made him E.T. What is it about Bronte that's unusual or different enough for us to wanna follow his story and invest in your script?

Great premise and worthy of as many rewrites as you can muster. This has bigger potential with more of a focus on the Bronte alien. He will be your major draw if this were ever filmed. If he's interesting and different, an audience will follow his journey, no matter what.

4 out of 5 for me.

THE REUNION

I came across "The Reunion" a few times while searching for possible scripts to read and do swaps with, and the premise stood out for me. I like films that tackle ten year reunions, discovering what old classmates have been up to and the regrets that come with age and the desperate desire to do it all over again. It's a concept that resonates with anyone currently attending high school, or graduated from high school. Great for older teens and young adults who can all relate to the material in some form or fashion.

What I expected was a deep examination of these people that made up the class of Nazareth High School, 2005. What were they like back then, what are they like now? You did this with Amanda, David, Jobe, Denise and Jason, but what about the other students they went to school with? Amanda gets the story rolling when she searches the graduating class, one by one, seeing what many of them are up to. I liked that you wrote these characters as mostly successful, celebrities, or in the spotlight at some point in their lives.

A few weeks ago, I attended a dinner with twelve people I haven't seen since graduating all the way back in 95'. Most of the more exciting conversation revolved around a classmate who married Travis Tritt, while another posed for Playboy. (You could feel the bitterness, jealousy and hatred in the air, mostly from the ladies)

I think the real fun in a story like "The Reunion" is creating that hate fueled tension and jealousy that comes with watching other succeed where we fail. I kept waiting and waiting for David and Jobe to get wrapped up in some kind of elaborate scheme to lie about their successful lives. I wanted to see how they were gonna pull this off and show up the bullies, popular kids and anyone else who made their lives difficult in school.

I also expected to see these other "so called popular kids" lie and exaggerate their own success stories. That's the real fun of a class reunion is that everyone wants to outdo one another. We didn't really get that with this script. It really focused in on David getting even with Jason and winning his girl back.

I was anxious to see how this class reunion would turn out. What this story is really concerned with is the love triangle with David, Denise and Amanda, which is a tried and true formula that's had much success since movies like Pretty in Pink, and Some Kind of Wonderful all the way back in the John Hughes era, mid 1980s. It sort of works, in a cliched, predictable way and is always fun to see two bickering females outdoing one another to win the heart of a man. The sex scene as Amanda hears through the wall is straight out of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

The parts that made me smile the most were Jobe's one-liners and his back and forth bickering with David. They were good together. Great running gags about him smelling like curry and David's weight problem. You weren't trying too hard with the comedy here and it was subtle and smart, for the most part. It wasn't all in your face, but the sarcasm was subtle and worked for me. I like how they referred to other characters as looking or acting like celebrities or characters from video games (Dalhsim). I did laugh a lot!

My main gripe is "where is the story?" You have a great premise here that leaves you with so many different options and avenues. We were led to believe early on that Amanda would help these two losers scam their way into becoming instant successes, whether via the internet, facebook, or whatever. I was waiting to see what these two could come up with that would blow away the competition. David simply lies about owning the convenience store where he works with Jobe.

Although there was a lot I enjoyed about this romantic comedy, I thought there were a lot of missed opportunities with such a great concept. I was thinking Romy and Michelle and got Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

I can say you have a strong understanding of how to structure a romantic comedy and have all the typical characters playing versions of other similar characters from other films. I say, keep your love triangle, but don't let it be your main focus. I think you should develop these other characters...the cage fighter, the rapper, etc, as we follow a wider range of characters.
I would say a script like The Reunion demands more of an ensemble cast of characters, all trying to outdo one another, if not just to keep the tension building and create more of a contest between various characters either anxious for, or dreading their high school reunion.
Know what I mean? I hope this helps.

4 out of 5 for me. It made me smile. But, like the other reviewer mentioned, check out The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trottier to tighten up your format. I thought the descriptions and action were the weaker link here, despite some pretty strong dialogue.

Eric D.

I'm avoiding doing reviews, but I had to tell you I was, for the most part, impressed with the quality of writing here. Very good format, a bit descriptive in some places, but reminded me of a well-written shooting script.

Very nice!

STORM DRAGONS - DRAFT 8 REVIEW

The action sequences, especially the sword duels, were particularly staged well and were visually compelling in your descriptions. The format here is top notch and so is the fantasy world, and the fantasy speak you've concocted with your characters. The overall premise of the Storm Dragons defending Thalderon, which is the nation stuck between the enemy nations, was compelling and left open several possibilities for a great story. It was simple enough to work really well. But the key is trying to keep it simple and not overblown.

The biggest problem I had with this concept is trying to follow along with the great number of odd-named characters and their distinct purposes within the story. I can see that you put a great deal of time and effort into your well-thought out dialogue and fantasy speeches concerning the purpose of the Storm Dragons, the Dragon God, the Night Eye and the other mythical figures and their legends. It reads and sounds like a film within the fantasy genre.

But I just couldn't quite follow along after about thirty pages in. I felt that the author got so caught up in the "fantasy speak" that it not only hurt the pacing but hurt the reader's ability to identify with the characters and their journey. I know it's fantasy, but their needs to be some moments of levity in this, or something that can easily be translated to the modern day.

Too many long passages became frustrating to me early on...but I feel I'm at a disadvantage here, because I typically hate fantasy films like 300, Wrath of the Titans and Conan The Barbarian. I'm probably not the best person to critique your script because I just can't get into the story or fantasy world dialogue.

The best, and worst, thing about fantasy is that you can create whatever world you want and real world rules don't apply. But the tendency with fantasy is to get too carried away with your own ideas that the ideas become scrambled and un clear.

I got lost pretty early on and couldn't identify with any of the characters or felt the need to follow them on their journey. I feel this was due to too much information and back story thrown at me all at once.

I could see simplifying this story to a great extent, cutting down on characters and giving them a distinct voice and purpose that stands out. But I was immediately drawn in by the city of Thalderon and the passages between the enemy nations. This was a great, simple concept that left a lot of open doors for story concepts about the rival nations.

But strong format, great action sequences and very inventive fantasy world and distinct language show a professional at work with Storm Dragons.

Sorry about the delay.

It's near impossible for me to critique this screenplay based on the strength of its plot, structure and format. The story itself is paper thin, which really works best with these types of pot-head, white thug comedies. The storyline is kept to a bare minimum as these kids journey into the seedy streets of Atlanta on a search for their stolen "beats".

I have to say that I laughed on each and every page. The dialogue here is some real "thug poetry". The interaction between the multiple characters moves at such a fast pace and sounded so real, that it I found myself more caught up in their words and not so much the script's structure, format and thin plot.

But the descriptions and meat of the script worked fairly well, but could be tightened up to reach the same level as your dialogue: which I found to be a perfect 5 out of 5. I could sense that you focused 90% of your script on dialogue and keeping the laughs coming.

I liked the silly opening sequences with Huck dropping out of school and telling his father "I'm gonna be a rap star". At first I found this dialogue too "on the nose" and stupid to be real. But because it was so "over the top" it works well as comedy. I like how the hip-hop beats start as Huck leaves his house. I could see the opening credits over Huck's hilarious mishaps as he misses the bus, gets kicked off, gets spit on, etc. You get the sense right away that he's clueless about being a real thug and is doomed from the jump.

However, the bus scene could be re-written to really make it more of a misunderstanding that he doesn't like black girls. The dialogue could be kicked up a notch here. This is the first opening scene that shows Huck's bad luck and should be a bit stronger.

You've managed to interweave multiple characters, dudes and chicks, and gave them all a distinctive voice. George was my favorite character: the funniest and the smartest written with some real show-stopping dialogue. He added some resistance to the journey as the one character who was constantly bored or needed more drugs, or wanted to be somewhere else. I enjoyed his one-liners and would be an attractive character for an actor to sink their teeth into.

I liked that you've created this whole other voice and way of talking that these characters all embrace and understand. The dialogue just about takes a shot at everyone, most notably women, blacks and gays. It's all done for laughs and has a good time making fun of its own thug culture. In other words, the characters are so stupid and insignificant that I can't imagine anyone being offended by them. But more likely to laugh at their ignorance and stupidity.

It was a flat out pleasure to read this script and appreciated your unique voice and high intelligence level of the fast-crackling dialogue. As far as the plot, I really found all of it an excuse for these thugs to run around the streets wisecracking and meeting various shady characters. But it all worked out well and was entertaining as hell.

Great stuff!

PS

I'd really focus the next re-write on tightening up the meat of the format. We need some better descriptions, and careful with your sentence structure and run-on sentences. Re-read the format of your script aloud to yourself and you'll see what I'm talking about.

I was instantly taken in by your eye friendly format and colorful descriptions. The first few pages have an easy flow to them. The opening voice over got me more interested in the type of video game era, demon zombie genre that I typically hate.

The outlandishness of demons harvesting organs is downplayed here with an interesting voice over explaining it all. I liked the forties style private dick explaining the demon world to us like Jake Gittes in Chinatown. It was silly enough to work. I thought to myself that this was gonna be an interesting ride of goofy dark humor played up by gratuitous blood and guts.

Well, the blood and guts are there, but this story takes itself too seriously. You have people signing contracts agreeing for money, other things in return for their organs. These people actually signing paperwork in their agreements with these demons was just too much to swallow. If this were a cartoon, and a more over the top violent one, this story could actually find its place. I was taken back to Spawn and was willing to go along for the ride to see what new things you were gonna bring to the table.

The good: There's a lot of grand and earnest ideas here for an original story with a new voice, but it's just that the ideas themselves were a bit too much for me to swallow. And too hard to follow.
The Black Trinity, the Hedonites, Pleasureland, the Larpers. This all had such a cartoony feel to it, I just couldn't picture this playing out as a live action film. And Ax, the hillbilly demon with the cowboy hat and hick accent, could ONLY work as a cartoon. And even so, the dialogue would have to be amped up so much more and be funnier, darker and even more grotesque than it already is. Think Freddy Krueger, only more sadistic.

As it is written, Ax's humor falls flat. It's not dark enough to be frightening and not light enough to pass as cartoonish. It's somewhere in the middle and confused.

At first glance, the demons wanting our organs for their sick, twisted ideas was a fascinating concept. I was expecting something very dark and mysterious with lots of symbolism and dark imagery, much like the original Hellraiser series. Cliver Barker is as outlandish as it gets, but he somehow makes it all fascinating and relatable to modern day problems and issues. Whether it's guilt, sexuality, pleasure and pain. Probably because he keeps things reasonably simple to follow.

But there's almost too many ideas competing with one another here and too many characters going after different things. I liked the idea that the filthier and guiltier the soul, the more they organs are worth. But that was all I got out of this story. There needs to be a central, more universal theme in this script to get behind. The dialogue is damn near impossible to follow with ease. Sure, closer to the end you get the general idea of what these characters are after, but it takes forever to get you there. I also didn't like the big twist when we learned why Stephanie was taken. The tears of the anguished angle was just too much to go along with.

I personally don't like cross-genre films like Blade, mixing martial arts, action and horror. It's like a film that doesn't know what it wants to be.

But your intelligence and original voice is evident here. This is not rehash, and most of the ideas are new and the work of a strangely creative and active mind.

If I were paid to write this script (if given the treatment and told to spin a story), then I would simplify the hell out of it, make it darker, cut all the cartoonish action, bring in more biblical symbolism and make the goals of our characters more universal and simplistic. The audience needs to identify with the goings on, and that's almost impossible to do the way this story is written.

The dialogue, for the most part, is a broken record here. It all has something to do with these groups - The Black Trinity, The Hive, the Larders, and the Hedonites, breaking this so-called "Amnesty" that comes with harvesting the organs of prospective clients who have made deals with demons.

Every bit of the dialogue comes back to this insanely complicated idea that you've constructed. It becomes a bit tiresome trying to follow along, and remember who is on what side and why. I'm still unsure of some of these characters motives.

If I were you and attempted a rewrite, I'd simplify your ideas and find a more universal message for your audience to identify with. Give thes characters a more clear motive and voice. A more clear goal and clear means to achieve these goals. As this stands, there was too much too fast and got lost early on with all the demon speak. It was creative as hell and smartly written, but too confused for its own good.

I loved your formatting and descriptions were top notch!