Steven Kale Centralia

This is a completely original and unique horror script. The setting, the characters, the creatures, everything works. I love the idea of having Herman Melville in the story and the parrallels to his famous novel, Moby Dick. In fact, I so enjoyed Melville's character that I was sad to see him go. Asmasok was another excellent character that often stole the show. I don't wanna spoil anything for those that haven't read it, but I will say that I cared for pretty much EVERY character in this script. This is almost unheard of in a horror script, so well done!

The whole idea of the Kobo murdering people and stealing women for breeding purposes is very scary stuff. The script is loaded with creepy scenes and moments. The rich writing really helped me set the scene in my head, and it would make a hell of a movie!

To be honest, I can't even think of any suggestions for improvements. I was just too into the script when reading. If anything, maybe play up the cannibalism aspect a bit, perhaps in one of the scenes in the Kobo lair, just to add to the horror of everything. But that's it. I'd be shocked if you didn't end up selling this thing. It's that good. A classy, good quaility and original horror script. Excellent work, Richard!

"The Evil" is a solid and original horror screenplay that is crammed with a lot of interesting ideas. The script moves at a fast pace and is never boring. I like the use of flashbacks to help flesh out the story, and the dialogue for the most part is well done. The dialogue between the girls is pretty witty at times and comes off as natural, which is good! But I do think there's room for improvement that could really take this script to the next level.

At 103 pages, I think the script runs a tad long. This can be solved by simplifying a lot of the dialogue-heavy scenes and description. When writing a screenplay, it's important to describe the action scenes in as few words as possible. There are many instances in your script where things can get pretty wordy. Also watch out for the formatting problems. Remember things like all sounds be capitalized "She LAUGHS" and always describe things as "Wicca walks or Wicca looks" and not "Wicca is walking or Wicca is looking". I'd recommend checking out some of the winning scripts on here and following their formatting. Also David Trottier's book "The Screenwriter's Bible" is something I would HIGHLY recommend. I also noticed some lines of dialogue that were missing words or had mispellings, so watch for that stuff.

I would like to see Wicca as more of an active protagonist during the climax. She doesn't do a whole lot to save herself, so having her take a more active role and really fight back would help her character. I'd also like to see a bit more focus on Jake, as it would make the climax with him even more powerful. I also felt that Wicca's Dad's funeral was abrupt. He dies and then suddenly we are at his funeral, so I'd try to smooth that time-lapse out a bit.

Overall I think you have a really good script that is just a few rewrites away from being great. You have something special here, so I hope you keep working at it. Good luck!

Just from a writing standpoint, this script is so well written that it's almost like reading a novel. The writing is rich and detailed, but still conforms to the screenplay standard. Well done! In these days of remakes, prequels, and sequels, this script was a pleasant surprise. Very original and unique premise. Things move along at a fast pace, and characters are well-defined. Lots of great scenes to be had, with one of my favorites being when Asterius brings the various human, dinosaur, and animal skeletons to life. Great stuff! The final act and SWAT team battle against Asterius' army is very well done. And I actually felt bad for Asterius at the end, which is a testament to the writing.

A few notes/suggestions:

Should the script be changed to present day? Taking place in 1980 would add to the budget, with clothes, cars, etc having to be from that era. And I didn't really notice anything that would have to be changed with it taking place in 2011 as opposed to 1980.

In the first act, this line of dialogue should be "damned":
HACKETT
I'll be damn!

This line of dialogue between the SWAT guys in the 3rd act has an extra word in there:
DONAVAN
This is battle needs to be fought outside.

After the plane ride in the first act, I'd consider trimming the scene with Teddy and Charlie, where Teddy talks about wanting to get Naomi back. Seems a little redundant since it's already made clear earlier that Teddy has feelings for Naomi and wants her back.

There's also a few times in the first act where Naomi states the obvious, so I'd consider removing those bits, just to help the flow.

These are just a few minor things I noticed. I think you've got a terrific script here that I would LOVE to see as a movie. I noticed that your test film has made the semis and finals before, so this is a good sign of how cinematic this is. I really hope Amazon Studios takes notice, because I think you've got something really special here. Good luck and thanks for the fun read!

"The Diamond Ring" is a very interesting script with a great premise. Amazon Studios seems to be gravitating towards the adventure/sci-fi genre, so I think this script has a lot of potential to go far here. It is unique and I love the ending/final scene. The script moves along at a fast pace and has a solid structure. It is never boring, and at 122 pages that is a huge compliment.

I think there's a lot of room for improvement, however. The description needs work. Try to cut it down to as few words as possible. For example, in the opening you have "DANIEL, a man in his late thirties..." This can be trimmed "DANIEL, late thirties..." Little things like that will help the flow of your script. Remember, it needs to be written in a way that makes it a fast read. I've had TONS of problems with my descriptions being too wordy, but with a little practice you can quickly get the hang of it.

Another weakness is the dialogue. This is something else that I have trouble with in my scripts. Try to make the characters sound natural, and not overly wordy. Also watch having them say the same kinds of things in the same ways. Each character should have a unique voice. As it is right now, Daniel sounds just like Albert, Mia like Sara, etc. Getting the dialogue and description down will help your script IMMENSELY. To get a better handle on it, check out some scripts to other films or even the scripts from people on here that have won. Also watch the formatting. Get rid of "CUT TO" and be careful not to describe inner emotions and feelings as you would in a novel. This is an easy mistake to make, and I've done it often!

A few other notes:

Maybe you could open the script immediately with Daniel and Albert on the mind drug. As it is now, the fight with Daniel and Mia doesn't hook the reader as immediately as it should.

The script was a bit confusing at times with everything that was happening, so maybe you could try to simplify things a bit, explain them a little more clearly. I had to go back and re-read certain things a few times.

Should Sara be shown a little sooner? Since she plays such an important role in the third act, maybe you could find a way to intro her sooner.

To add a bit more suspense, maybe you could actually show the death of Daniel's wife, instead of it happening off screen.

Overall I think you have a great premise and a script that has the potential to be great. It reminds me of something Chris Nolan or Darren Aronofsky would do, so that is a huge compliment. Just really focus hard on description and dialogue, above all else. Get those on track and I think you will have a real contender for some of the prizes on here. Good luck and thanks for the cool read!

I'm a big fan of zombie films, so I was excited to read this screenplay. The storyline is good and the characters solid, overall. There were lots of moments of suspense and action. Kara and Ash are good characters, and I like how Ash basically tells the story of what happened before having the story come back to him. I've always been a fan of this "story within a story" plot device, and it works well here.

I think the biggest problems are formatting and description. Your descriptions are very rich, but sometimes it almost reads more like a novel than a screenplay. You really need to work on cutting stuff down and making everything flow faster. I have had a similar problem with some of my scripts: they are too wordy sometimes, which makes for a rougher read.

I opened your screenplay in Final Draft and it clocked in at 109 pages, so you have plenty of room to trim things and work on the flow. As for formatting, try to watch the camera descriptions and angles, as this is something that is usually frowned upon. I would suggest picking up the book "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier. I'd also work on some of the dialogue and make it sound more natural.

You have a good grasp on character, structure, and all that stuff. I think if you focus on presentation and description, you will have something really special. Zombies are really making a come-back right now, so stick with this script and make it better. Good luck!

I originally thought this was gonna be more off a slasher type movie, so I was surprised when it turned out to be deeper than that. I love the premise, with a bunch of teens trapped in a creepy house who must choose one to sacrifice. The script moves at a fast pace and was a lot of fun. And that's a huge compliment to the writer: I had FUN reading this, and wasn't sure where it was gonna go next. Characters, overall, were solid and the dialogue was good. At first I wasn't sure about the slightly campy (at times) tone, but I think it ends up working and adds to the fun.

I really didn't see any major problems. I think all of the characters were well drawn, with the exception of Clare. We got to know them all pretty well, but she was kinda left out. I also think Phil's character was a bit sketchy at times, going back and forth wanting to protect Steve, and his snapping at the end felt a tad rushed.

But these are some pretty minor problems that can be easily fixed. I would suggest working on Clare and Phil a bit more and maybe trimming some of the description, as it felt kinda long-winded at times.

Overall I think you have a terrific script that is fun, creepy, and exciting. I would love to see this thing on the big screen, so well done!