Jim

I am a big fan of Science Fiction. This is a cool idea for a science Fiction Movie.
It’s different and it is fresh. I really like the idea that the aliens are related to the Maya. The concept that aliens or humans traveling great distances in space would affect their life force is really cool. This is a very cerebral read. You just cant skip over anything you have to read every word to get what is going on. It is very informative where New Age philosophy is concerned. It is like joining with the mind of Carlos Castaneda and Carl Sagan all at once.

Structure
I’m sure that some will say that this is a bit of a slow story, but there is a lot going on in the dialogue that is very intriguing. After you get use to the pace it becomes a very informative read. There is a lot going on between the lines that is cool.

Characters
The characters are very well drawn. Lauren takes his time in creating characters that reach out and speak to you. The emotional level of this story is off the chart and the relation between the characters is heart warming.


Dialogue
The dialogue here is full. Very deep and does not hold back. The feelings that beings share with each other is reflected in the way they speak to one another. This is one of Lauren’s strong suits. Some of the dialogue may be a smidge too long. But for the most part it makes you feel at home like warm slippers on a cold day.


Stakes
The stakes can’t get any higher than life or death. Add to that the idea or at least the chance of a better tomorrow for our kids and you have peoples full blown attention.

Instead of starting with the funeral I would start with the plane action. Then the funeral and then the scene on the beach. I would have all this done by at least page five and then go into the green ring around the moon set up. This will help keep the readers reading.

Cut back on the environment description and stick to the action on the screen. Break up your action description into four line blocks. Don’t direct actor’s action in parentheticals inside of dialogue. Make the dialogue more engaging and less on the nose.

You are good at writing. But this read more like a short story than it does a screenplay.

I hope this helps….. Good luck.