Steven Heinig (New York, New York)

I know you are from the UK, so I don't know if you're aware of, or you even get Showtime, but there is a pretty popular show over here called Dexter based on the fictional character created by Jeff Lindsay, which has played your premise to nothing short of brilliance on tellie over here. The fourth season has just started so it is fresh in my mind, another reviewer mentioned the show too, so it was hard for me to see your story as objectively as I would have liked.
Nevertheless, you're ability to create mood, thriller sized pacing coupled with a sense of taut dramatic tensions really showcases your creative writing chops. Very impressive.
Your twist in the third act could work as mentioned by another reviewer with a few more loosely laid plot seeds, the tie me up tie me down sex scene between Mendoza (Michelle Rodriguez) and LB (Christian Bale) was a good seed.

I think it might behoove you to drop the serial killer vs serial killer angle and go a little more Death Wish with Ellborn (Edward Norton) but leave LB a split-personality, and maybe in an alternative draft write the audience ahead of LB. Because right now, seriously, I'm just seeing a great three episode spec script for Dexter.

Nathan - Topher Grace
Karen - Joanne Kelly
Peyton - Bailee Madison
Luan James - Marion Ross

I'm sure my casting doesn't help a rewrite or someone's daring in putting their own spin on your tale, but it just popped into my head so I thought I'd share. Part of the reason I did include it is this script could easily get made with the right backing. I could totally see a production company like Dimension Films scooping this up.

When I was reading this I kept thinking of bits and pieces of those classic noir films The Woman in The Window meets Cape Fear, minus of course the crack houses. =) Given that comparison, I really do think this would work better as that type of genre of film. Now I could list about a thousand plot twists and ideas, and character choices and schemes that would alter your story to that suspense/thriller level, but part of the fun of being a writer, and wanting to be seen as wholly original, is the process of thinking up those cool ideas yourself. But I am open if you care to pick my brain!

I can't keep my mouth shut: What if you were to switch the role of your protagonist with your antagonist?

Obviously the title should have been: Tea Party Planet of the Lesbian Vampire Vixens Versus Gladiators. With Zombies of Congress.

Like, duh....

First off, I thought some of the scene were out loud funny as I was reading it. And coming from me, that means a lot, especially since I'm one bitter, angry and souless dude. I'd love to see the entire cast of Childrens Hospital put this up as an eight episode story arch with Dr. Owen Maestro trapped in an elevator, with a group of sick kids during the Fourth of July weekend, and telling them this story about BF. That would be really cool, but I'm sure it would never ever happen, because those guys on that Adult Swim show are probably total dicks, but funny dicks.

My advice for the script: give Ben a sexy cyborg French maid named "Gi Gi" which was a gift created by Pierre-Simon Laplace, Georges-Louis Le Sage, and Alexander Cummings (designer of the flush toilet).

I listed all those titles in my review title, because I would put this movie in that group of subgenre films that you could call: Badass tough guys who go out in the wilds of nature to confront something unnatural and monstrous.

But one film that I'm sure your familiar with, and you should take a long look at again upon a possible rewrite is: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

For three simple reasons that could better your own script:

1) GBU would not have been as powerful without the scene where Clint's gunslinger character "Blondie" was put at the life and death mercy of Tuco. Also, I would add, Tuco's reunion with his brother.

2) The backdrop of a cataclysmic socio-economic event: The Civil War. In the case of your script, you could easily work this in by the war and later genocide of the American Indian. This could be Dances with Werewolves. just kidding.

3) An expanding West, a shrinking frontier, the battle for resources, and the extent of human greed over compassion.

Otherwise you're pitching Cowboys & Aliens:

Budget
$163,000,000 (estimated)

Opening Weekend
$36,431,290 (USA) (31 July 2011) (3,750 Screens)

Gross
$67,349,520 (USA) (7 August 2011)
$36,431,290 (USA) (31 July 2011)


Not to say I didn't enjoy, but (analogy) it's a tasty candy bar, when you needed a meal.