Thomas B. Mann (North Hollywood)

I read the Amazon notes after and I agree with them in many respects. As I did not read your first draft, I am unsure how much you addressed them but I could see more work in those areas. I will try not to just reiterate their points.

The first problem (and maybe your biggest obstacle IMO) is the first twenty pages. The greatness of the script is buried too far down when they finally get their ship and begin a life as pirates. That is what is fresh about your script and what I would watch but I have to fight to get there.

The scene between Caleb and Elizabeth is not strong enough to open the film. The problem for me, I think, is there is no context. I think you need context before you introduce the characters in a movie like this. I’d like to see the movie start in Salem as they are burning a “witch”. Maybe Caleb is there watching and he runs back to town and reports what he saw to his father and Jacob. Jacob pushes for them to leave but Elijah wants to stay. He is tired of running. Caleb might also be for leaving (which he wants later on anyway) and this would help him and Jacob bond for a short moment. Then you might introduce Elizabeth and her relationship with Caleb. This is where we see their powers (and where Theo sees them). From there you have to move quickly and bring Reverand Mather to the town. I'm not a fan of the scene where they bring Caleb and Elizabeth into the community but I can see it’s importance. For me that scene feels like it should come at the end. Maybe their fathers think they are not ready yet despite their wanting to. Caleb shouldn’t be ready because that should be his character arc. He thinks he is ready to be on his own and explore the world but he isn’t. He gets there by making mistakes and losing loved ones and we celebrate in the end as he finally shows he is a man.

This leads me to another point which I have sort of addressed above. Not sure what kind of criticism I'm making here but here it goes... I wouldn't paint the people behind the Salem Witch Trials as being right. They burned people for being witches with no proof in what is considered a horrible period of mass hysteria in our nation's history. Your script suggests they were correct that witches were part of their community. Now you don’t suggest that they were right to burn people (although Jacob’s circle was dabbling in the devil so maybe they should have been burning them) but I think adding a little bit of what really went on might help smooth over my issue with this. I think showing them burning or arresting people that are clearly not witches is the most convincing way. Maybe at the trial there are actual citizens of Salem who are NOT witches and Elijah is quick to point out that these people are not part of the community and therefore should be let go but the judges disagree. Just a little something to add a degree of truth and show the craziness of what went on. It's minor but it stood out for me... I'm from Massacusetts btw :)

Back to your first act... I think the quicker you get to the boats the better. I would play around with it. If you insist on keeping everything the way it is I have one more early note. I would like to see them get back into town and see it in ruins instead of being told by Elizabeth. The shock for both the characters and the audience of seeing their town in flames is lost in one line of exposition. Show don’t tell. It’s an easy fix. Keep Elizabeth away from the jail and have them get back into their town in the scene directly after they break out. Then show the destruction and have them worry about everyone, especially Elizabeth. Then they flee for the harbor.

I’m a fan of what happens from here on out. You’ve sort of taken a bunch of movies I love and stitched them into this script. Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, X-Men, Lord of the Flies and even a little Robin Hood can be found in the last half of the script. I really liked the fact that you broke them into two groups (a la X-Men) where one wants to use their power for good and the other destruction. Smart move that makes us anticipate the final battle. The one note that Amazon gave you that I wholeheartedly agree with is trying to establish a rule book for what they can and can’t do. Think about Jedi, what are their powers? They can move stuff with their mind, have amazing reflexes and play mind tricks on you. They can't do a whole lot but just enough to establish them as special without being godlike. Your witches seem to be able to do much more and it almost makes them unstoppable. When they do things like summon the fog and make their faces look like others, as a reader I’m thinking, “Oh... they can do that?”. Have you ever thought about making them more witchlike? Wands perhaps? Spells? I kind of like them as they are but it is an option you have. I would give them maybe three powers (as a people not individually like superheroes) and leave it at that. Find interesting ways to make those three powers get them out of jams instead of inventing new powers that are jam specific.

The dialogue at times can be a little on the nose where characters are just shouting out morals and themes left and right. Dialogue is tough to critique but I am personally in favor of more realistic. People don’t always say what is on their mind, they bury it in their words and you have to dig it out. You tend to say what people are thinking a lot.

I applaud the effort and I am a fan of the concept but it is not quite there. The first twenty five pages could use some major condensing and I would personally like to see them on the ocean by page 15. Your act break should be the two boats splitting up, not them finally getting in a boat. Feel free to use my words against me in my own script as I tend to overlook the same mistakes in my own writing (I wrote this up before you reviewed mine). Good luck and Thanks for your input.

I apologize for any blame I assign to you that should go to the original author. I just stumbled onto this site yesterday and decided to look into this contest. The site is a little overwhelming at first glance and I downloaded this version instead of the original one so I only have this to go by.

I will admit, if I wasn't planning on submitting a rewrite I would not have read this script all the way through. I would have given up halfway through but I powered on. I love the genre and it has an interesting concept but I can see why he wants rewrites. Skimming over the original, it looks like you kept pretty close and that was a mistake on your part. Sometimes you need to break from the original draft and go in a different direction. It is especially true with your own scripts. I find that I used to rewrite my own scripts by changing a little here and there but that won't cut it. Rewrites are major undertakings. I probably won't have time to execute the rewrite I want to do on this but there is a way to keep the premise and concept and follow the notes that Amazon has given out (Titus, supernatural origins and a villain).

Some specifics : The dialogue was my least favorite part. It was way too modern and relied on puns and cliches far too often. The action itself wasn't funny so why was the dialogue trying to be? I'm not saying don't add humor, but the humor that was attempted wasn't hitting the right tone.

It starts too slow and in too many directions. We need our main character up front and center. If not him then we need our main villain (Quintus?). A small opening scene to set up the "infection" is okay but we don't need to follow those characters beyond that.

Zombie werewolves? I have personal problems with the Gods and concept behind the zombies but I won't get into that.

Overall I think two of the three story notes that Amazon put out there are still being ignored. Titus is still too underdeveloped and the villain also needs more work. Both Lucius and Quintas only truly become evil at the very end and by then it is too late to care.

There is a lot of potential here. I see this more as a 300 type film rather than a Vampires Suck which is what is leaning toward with the dialogue and bend towards comedy. I don't see it as a comedy and I don't think Amazon does either otherwise they wouldn't have evoked Troy or Braveheart in their review. The Mummy did have light moments but those don't work here.

Keep at it but don't be afraid to stray a little further from the original. Experiment with outlines and go from there.