At Amazon Studios

 
 
 

Submitted Work

Series Projects

Pilot Scripts

Title Average Rating Plays/
Downloads
Date
Created

Recalled Marine Pilot Script 1 - Recalled and Hating It

5.0 stars
(1)
7 02/07/14

About

Justin Sloan studied writing and screenwriting in the MA in writing program at the Johns Hopkins University and hopes to start at the UCLA Professional Program in Screenwriting this Spring. He wrote and directed the short film "Into Abaddon," and wrote the feature film "Live Bait" and "After the Fog" which are both in pre-production.

Justin wrote coverage and edited submissions for Folio Literary Management and The Doctor T.J. Eckleburg Review and has acted since 2001. His scripts have won and placed well in Austin, Page, Creative World Awards, ScriptVamp, The-Greenlight, and other contests. His fiction and poetry have been published in O-Dark-Thirty, Viral Cat, Separate Worlds, and My Nature Places.


More information can be found on Justin at www.JustinMSloan.com, or through his blog at www.BayAreaScreenwriters.com.

 

Reviews Justin Has Written

Maggot Radio, Pilot Script 1 - "Pilot"

5 stars
Great script, real funny stuff!
March 13, 2014

Storm Dragons Video 1 - Science Fiction & Fantasy

5 stars
Good stuff, Leo!
January 31, 2014

The Tales of Carnigan and Yul: Disgrace Before the Pyre, Brandon's 2nd Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Fun action story but the story needs more focus

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
January 18, 2012
Here are my thoughts, following along as I go:

I think the dialogue in the first 6 pages is great, really well done! However, I would try to break it up – this is six minutes of almost straight dialogue! For a movie, in the opening, that seems a bit much. Maybe if they’re doing something at the same time? Something exciting.

Then we get to page 7 and I see your action in big chunks of black – try to break these up a bit, so the reader sees more white-space and doesn’t get scared. For example, the first big paragraph could be broken apart by just starting a new paragraph with ‘The archers all…’
The flashforward on page 8 confuses me – a flashforward? Why show this stuff in the past? Are we going to cut back and forth? If so, why? Then on Page 10 we flashback – to when? To the same time as before, or some other time?
At the beginning of page 11 I still see action boxes that are too long, but then the action starts around the middle of the page to get broken up – this looks and feels much better!
Page 12 – it is not the screenwriter’s job to write ‘slowmotion’ – though you can hint at it.
Page 14 – When she speaks, why is this not done in dialogue? Earlier in the page we hear a ‘crying baby’ but then down below the baby is coming – I am confused.
Through Page 17 - I am not quite sure what the inciting incident is, but I like how you transitioned to the death and the god speaking – very interesting and intriguing! Is the inciting incident the god urging him on for revenge? Seems more like ‘the debate’ to me.

Page 17 – ‘Through the glass’ it says, but no period an no saying what is through the glass.

Page 20 – Cool stuff with the flame dagger!
Page 24 – I’m not so sure I like the ‘SUPERIMPOSE’ way you did the dialogue here – can’t you just say ‘subtitles’ in parenthetical?
Page 29 – Where does Diana go? I imagine we’ll find out soon, but why does Carnigan grin?

By Page 33 I am thinking there are a lot of fun scenes, but I still don’t really follow the story. Where is it going? As a viewer, I would have to know this by now or I’d be getting frustrated.

Page 34 – you have the ‘HALLWAY’ slug on the same line as the action. Again on page 36 with ‘CAMP.’ This happens a few times – I’ve never seen this in pro scripts, have you? You also keep putting ‘TRAVELING’ after your carriage sluglines, which doesn’t seem right.

Page 85 – ‘Dartin’s body lay lifeless.’ Should be ‘lays.’

Page 89 – Woah this action paragraph I sway too long!

Page 98 – “His mohters” should be “His mohter’s”

Page 105 – You seem to do a lot of camera direction, i.e., “Flames up close.” Remember, that is the director or someone else’s job, not the screenwriter’s.

Page 109 on – Good action! I like the shadow whip.


Around page 40 is where I see the story starting – is there a way to make this earlier, say between pages 12-17?

Overall, while I get the characters are supposed to talk too much… It is too much. It slows the story, and the story already feels slow (not the action, but the story). This is throughout, but one good example is on the 70s pages.

The story seems fun, great humor and fun action, but it is too jolted. There are too many side line things going on, and it seems hard to follow the through line/ keep the feeling of suspense going.

As for characters – great! I thought Carnigan and Yul were hilarious, and Janus is truly an interesting beast of a man. Now if you can keep that but tighten up the story…
 

A Lot Like Christmas, Chazz's 3rd Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Fun Christmas flick

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
January 04, 2012
I thought this could be great, but as it is needs a little bit of umph to get it to the five star level. It reminds me of ‘Snakes, Planes, and Automobiles’ and ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ with bits of ‘A Christmas Carol’ in there.

There is definitely some fun, witty dialogue – nice! Some examples are at the bar scene, or the woman with the ugly daughter in the elevator. And the scenes were well done as well, funny. I enjoy the James-Sean relationship, quite fun. The greyhound around page 30, was great!

I felt we get the point, about him not being around enough early on – make sure not to repeat scenes. And then when McCartney says ‘it’s been too long’ it just seems a bit overkill. Maybe have him beat around the bush a bit/ hint at it but not outright say it?

While I like the message, I think it gets a bit preachy at places and may need to be toned down. Also, remember in ‘Save the Cat’ how he talks about the Pope swimming? You could use more of that – instead of just ‘talking heads’ (i.e., talking on the train, talking while driving, etc.) – have them doing something that occupies the viewers eyes while the characters talk. Also, the end dialogue where James recounts his trip seems to go on a bit long, especially since we as the viewer already saw it happen.

I think enough people know James Stewart was the actor of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and you might want to consider changing the name slightly – maybe just ‘Steward’ or something? And then naming the hobo Clarence, I think it may be too much (especially at the bridge). I know you meant to do that, but maybe a bit more subtle?

Some more comments:

Page 2 – ‘Every hair in plae’ should be ‘Every hair in place.’ Also, shouldn’t have to say ‘Sean talks’ because we see in the following dialogue that he talks.
Page 11 – James doesn’t seem like the best salesman if right off the bat he’s kinda insulting the man’s religion – maybe have that same conversation with the assistant there or something?
Page 11-12 – they are calling each other by their names a lot – is that on purpose? Usually that seems unnatural, but you may be going for something here.
Page 14 – How could Harry send James, knowing what’s happening with selling the company? Seems a bit unrealistic. Unless it turns out Harry had a motive of his own…
Page 27 – I don’t buy James being so aggressive at the airport – where’d this come from?
Page 32 – Greyhound scene is funny! Funnier on page 34! Nice!
Page 37 – You do a lot of this, and that is widowing a word. It means when you have one word in the action lines on a line by itself (as in ‘uncomfortable’ in the lower half of Page 37). Some frown on this.
Page 45 – I don’t know, but would a kennel owner care so much if someone took a bunch of dogs off his hands? Could there be more conflict here somehow?
Page 49 – I’m not sure I am feeling these cuts to Erica and the kids – it doesn’t seem to add much.
Page 51 – I wonder if you’re going for a ‘Christmas Carol’ type thing here, where he sees Wallflower as like the ghost of what his kids could become, etc – that would be pretty cool!
Page 59 ‘the either the blackest’ = extra the
Page 62 – ‘she surrounded’ left out is
Page 91 – could have Betty make a joke – ‘you don’t want that divorce lawyer of hers to take you to the cleaners… maybe just your jacket…’ - just a thought.
Page 102 – with the Christmas decorations – it is actually the tradition in some places TO decorate on Christmas eve, and leave everything up for the 12 days of Christmas - wouldn’t it be interesting if James learned about this on his travels (and maybe other Christmas traditions), and used that knowledge here? (A good source: The Everything Christmas book).
Page 103 – ‘decorated to the nines’ – I don’t get what that means.
Page 103 – Maybe it should say 12:01 am – December 25. Is midnight the day of or the day before?
 

Favorite Movies

The Princess Bride, Braveheart, Groundhog Day, Alladin, Back to the Future, Battle Royal, Gladiator, The Dark Knight, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind, Lethal Weapon, Die Hard, Point Break
 

Influences

The Waichowskis, Aaron Sorkin, (Authors) Tobias Wolff, George R.R. Martin, Brandon Sanderson, Matt Bell, T.C. Boyle, (Poets) W.B. Yeats, Robinson Jeffers
 

Following

12 People