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Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

Shoot The Dead steven's Original Draft (Script 1)

4.0 stars
(8)
35 08/23/11

About

A media graduate at Lincoln. Though not currently employed in media, I sometimes make films and cartoons for my own amusement. Find some here http://www.youtube.com/user/w... and also here www.dubfighter.com.

I always dreamed of producing an indie horror film, the script for which eventually became Shoot The Dead, as seen on this profile.
 

Reviews steven Has Written

Hyper Wake, Karl's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

...?

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
November 02, 2011
First, let me apologize in advance for my generally poor review. My mother always said "If you've got nothing nice to say, shut your damned face" and I tend to agree with the sentiment. However, there was something about your script that I feel I have to explore.

First, though, let me bitch about what I didn't like. In your synopsis, you state that your characters "try to find how they fit into the world". And here is the major problem. They don't. They don't find out. And we, the audience, don't. There's just far too many zany concepts here, and not enough solid explanations. I was left reeling, often to the point of becoming annoyed.

I have nothing against zany concepts. I like zany concepts. But you have to make allowances. If you're going to be flighty in some areas, you have to be rock solid in others. Tone it down a bit! Find the core concepts of your piece and focus on them. Keep refining until you have a story arc you could explain to somebody in a few paragraphs. And make sure its an arc! You introduce new characters and concepts all over the place! There are boring rules and regulations on how to present a screenplay, and like most rules, you have to know them ass backwards before you can even think about breaking them.

A quick example off the top of my head: the Wizard of Oz, in retrospect, is a pretty fucked up film. Talking scarecrows? Magic shoes? BUT, when you look at it's structure and presentation, its very much an A to B to C to A again story arc. Nothing a movie going audience of the time would find incongruous in the slightest.

Go back to the drawing board with HyperWake. See if you can get something concrete. Start on the world it is set in; why it is as it is, and what our heroes intend to do about it. At the minute, most of the heroes don't seem to know or care why the world has gone haywire, and have little to no interest in finding the answers. They need answers. We need answers.

And now on to what I do like:

There were some really interesting bits here, and, as far as I'm aware, bits that haven't made it into a movie to date. Greople? Great. Attacking in a different time stream? Great. (I like how it also served as a catchall explanation for most Final Fantasy games too.) A world where a guitar can be a magical weapon? Fine with that. I get that this is a world that is a parody of modern video games, and I haven't really seen that done in a movie before, so that's good. I really felt as I was reading your script that here was a concept whose time had come. Sure, video game movies have been done before, but not with this odd mix of deadpan sincerity and nihilistic sillyness I've come to associate with the same generation that gave us 'Anonymous'.

However, I think there's a reason it hasn't been done before. Because it'd be damn hard to do properly. Your challenge, your major challenge, its taking all these concepts, taking your voice, and turning it into a conventional movie structure. And for god sake, don't just be random for the sake of being random. Even true filmic geniuses find it difficult to get away with this. Make sure if something happens in your movie, that it has a grounding in the logic of the universe you present.

I'm really interested to see where this goes. Don't just leave this at "hey, wouldn't it be cool and random if THIS happened next?" You can't build a world that way. Get your boring stuff straight first, then give us your weird.

And please don't take offense at my less than favorable review. If I didn't want to see your improvements, I wouldn't have bothered writing.
 

The Mishima Incident, Mark's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Tragic, powerful and thought provoking.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
November 02, 2011
The Mishima Incident does what a truly great docudrama should do; it gives us an unerring insight, not just into a time and place, but into a state of mind. The story is not just a great attempt at understanding a historical figure, but of understanding a country and culture in flux.

Through the view point of Henry, a somewhat jaded British reporter, we discover the beauty and brutality of a culture quite alien to our own modern, western situation. We explore a romanticized notion of Japan, as well as its modern reality, and how closely the two are related. The best part is that I never once felt abandoned as a reader; the characters were warm, interesting and fun, and were able to deal with philosophical musings in a way that didn't come across as heavy handed or pretentious. I was entertained as well as informed- a difficult mix to achieve. I don't consider myself the brightest of readers, but I never once felt either patronized or lost.

I was challenged. Mishima was not painted as either a hero or a villain. His philosophies and opinions we're never shoved down my throat as "good" or "bad". I found I was able to appreciate the man, and the movie, without necessarily agreeing with the points raised. The exploration of character had a subtlety that I wouldn't expect of a more typical, commercial docudrama.

The structuring of events felt entirely natural; sweeping from huge, sprawling dramas to more intimate conflicts in a way that kept interest and satisfaction throughout. The presentation of the script was nigh flawless.

I enjoyed this, and I feel a richer man for having read it.

I wish you every success.
 

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UNDEAD, Tommy's Original Draft

3 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

A fistful of brains...

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
September 26, 2011
The first thing that stood out to me about this script is that I can see it making it to the screen with very little effort or translation. It's a well realized genre piece, with a satisfying pace and easily recognizable characters.

The script is a good western first, a zombie film second. It has all the great elements we want to see in a western; duking it out on a stage coach, mexican stand offs, dead-eye shooting. And all the typical elements of a zombie movie are there too.

I won't say the cowboys and zombies thing hasn't been done before, but you do it very well.

Your characters are exactly what we'd expect to see from a western, and I don't mean this in a derogatory way. I think you need some good solid staples if you're going to smash your genres together, and you certainly have those. And I loved Blackwell- a real opportunity for an actor to ham it up as the irredeemable bastard.

The script as it stands has the advantage of lending itself to a relatively low budget. There is nothing earthshaking here that is going to require a huge production. A good opportunity for a stylistically driven director to flex his or her creative muscles, but not much blockbuster potential. (I don't mean that as a bad thing.)

When all is said and done, this is a really solid and workable script, but you don't go out of your way to give us anything particularly new. The zombie wolves stepped up the game a little, but perhaps not enough. Have a real think about what other western conventions you can play upon to get some more striking moments in your script. (Bull whips? Lasso? Zombie lynching? A cattle stampede set off on purpose to run down the zombies?) Remember that to a certain extent, horror, like porn, is only as good as its money shots!

Can you do anything more with the YoungBlood gang? Do they have history with Blackwell? It might make us sympathize more with them if Blackwell had wronged them in the past.

Also, can the Youngblood's summoning of the dead be a bit more dramatic? (Eyes rolling in head, cutting himself so that blood drips into the earth, the sun disappearing behind the clouds.) If we're going to get mystic, lets get really mystic!

I enjoyed reading your script. Your enthusiasm for film and the western genre in particular really come over in your writing, and your portrayal action sequences were clear as a bell. You manage to be both concise and enthused.
 

The Miati, Christina's Original Draft

0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

An epic story, well realized, with its feet firmly on the ground.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
September 20, 2011
The Miati is a screenplay large in its ambition, following the exploits of one Scottish woman as she first survives under roman rule, and eventually instigates and leads a successful rebellion against it.

Though I couldn’t personally comment on the historical accuracy of the tribes and likely-hood of events, the attention to detail is commendable, giving us an interesting insight as to how a fractured tribal society responds to Imperial incursion.

There is a strong element of relationship drama in the piece, which is focused on far more than just the battles we’ve come to expect from films set in this era and environment. Whether or not this is a good or bad thing depends on your point of view, but I thought a bit more could be made of the fights. (At the same time, though, I like that a lot of the plot moves forward without open conflict, relying on intrigue and guile. It's all about striking a balance, I suppose.)

Structurally, I thought this screenplay would work better as a novel or a multi-part drama. It’s an epic, year spanning premise with a lot of character p.o.v's that I think will be hard to flow in a film format while holding interest. I think your story is all about Morghanna. The story of the woman is more interesting than the story of the tribes. Keep the focus on her, make all events central to her in the way that Braveheart kept everything central to William Wallace. I think this will help the screenplay to become more accessible and raise its filmic potential.

You tend to use a lot of double entendre and implication in your action descriptions, and while its very amusing, I think you could serve the reader better by being clear, rather than clever. Again, this would all work much better in a novel.

(One thing irked me about Erin, how quickly she went from badass who can break the arm of a soldier to quivering emotional wreck. It seemed a bit odd.)

Other than that, there’s a wealth of character and plot here.
 

Impaler's Gold, Corinne's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

A crime caper with emphasis on the 'caper'

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
September 19, 2011
Firstly let me say how much fun I had reading Impaler's Gold. That really is the script's strongest asset- it's a lot of fun!

Secondly, let me explain my over all rating. I have rated it three stars which in this rating system means 'it's okay but needs work'. I feel this is unfair. I think your script does need work- but 'okay' doesn't really do it justice. 'I loved it- but it needs work' is a more accurate appraisal.

It's an enjoyable romp with an original premise and strong comedic elements. I envision this as something like Ocean's 11 meets The Princess Bride.

A few areas I'd like to see you work on.

- Antonio and Filip are your strongest characters, and their relationship is a key dynamic. Make more of their contest for Oana's affections. Also, when we first meet them, I think it would be fun if we were introduced to them mid con, something like in the introduction to the Mission Impossible movie. Really show us that these are daring con artists with ambition, pride and more than a little vanity. This is what drives them to steal Vlad's cup.

- Make more of the Order of the Crow. They are such a lovable motley bunch- have some more fun with them! Take the time to make each character unique. Give each individual an opportunity to showcase his personality. They seek to steal the cup in an effort to undermine the rule of Vlad- they are freedom fighters, not thieves- make this more apparent when they are introduced.

- Vlad is by far your best character. I love how you've bought this historical character to life. His insecurity about his reputation should be played upon more. It should be highlighted that his reputation is essential to the security of his rule.

- The Ending. It was a bit quick. I wanted some parting dialogue between Filip, Antonio and Oana. Where are they going next? To steal Attila the Hun's hat? (historically not likely, I know, but you get what I mean.) Also, make more of the creation of the Dracula mythos. It should be made more clear that Antonio is responsible for the creation of the idea of the modern vampire. This pulls a sort of 'Forest Gump' that a modern audience can relate to.

Please keep up the good work. Its a great fairytale with a enough adult grit to make a well rounded family movie (I did wonder how the impalings would go with a PG audience, but I suppose thats the director's problem!)

Concentrate on conveying your ideas as clearly as possible in written form, and try not to include too many camera directions (again, these will be the directors problem.)

It's a solid idea with funny dialogue and had great potential. Find someone to go through your script with you, red pen in hand, highlighting any part that they are not 100% clear on, or having difficulty following. Strengthen these parts. I truly believe that if you do this, your script will quickly become a real contender.
 

Stranded, Justin's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

An intense drama that asks some interesting questions...

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
September 10, 2011
The first half of the script put me in mind of Castaway meets The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. That same sense of ripping someone from the civilized world and placing them in the realities of the wild. I liked how you handled it. Jane was believable, and I cared about her plight. The whole first act sees her exposed to both the mundane perils of the wild (isolation, food, lack of shelter) and the more exotic (Bears!) and she responds to these in a way that is always believable, but doesn't ever become unexciting.

What's really interesting is how she returns to her old life. How her experiences of true self-reliance alter her perception of success in the 'real world'. Her changes in attitude and alienation from an ultimately trivial social life transform her far more than her physical scars do, and lead to her final bound into true independence and adulthood. I like that she can enter the world on her own terms now, not having to jump through the silly hoops she had to before. Her future is uncertain, but we were never left in doubt that she can handle everything thrown at her. A satisfying ending, but also quite tragic.

The final line was a little too optimistic for me. "I don't know, but I can't wait to find out." I get that Jane has cast off her old life for a new kind of freedom, and I get that she might be happy about this. But she has also made huge and painful sacrifices, and has lost a great deal of naivety along the way. It's not a big problem at all, but I expected a bit more of a gritty final line from her. Optimistic, but not unrealistic.

My only eyebrow raising moment is when she first returned to civilization and didn't immediately call the police or an ambulance. I understand that your way is a much better story, but I thought maybe there could be something more obvious she could say or do that would make her decision to return straight to her home more feasible. Or perhaps I am being a little pedantic. Perhaps this would automatically be made more obvious on the screen by the actor/directors handling of the character.

One last little niggle. Too much swearing! As far as I'm concerned Jane's speech was impassioned and realistic enough without having to rain down the f-bombs. I personally think you can tone it down a bit without losing anything from the dialogue exchanges- even the heated ones. I'm not against swearing in film at all; I only say this because there's no reason your film has to exclude younger audiences in it's certification.

All in all a great drama with a strong message. A fine example of how personal tragedy can cut through the shell of bullshit society can build around you. Excellent.
 

Favorite Movies

Evil Dead II, Clash of the Titans (original), Old Boy, Akira, The Thing
 

Influences

Sam Raimi woke me up to the joy in film making. My favourite author is Terry Pratchett.
 

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