Comedian, Diver, Soldier, Lawyer, Spy - a bevy of experiences wrapped into a short amount of life. Always a writer, finally got a bite at the dream-apple when I won the 2010 Duke City Shootout and was able to take my comedy short "Random Natural Occurrence" from the script to the screen with the help of a legion of talented folks and an amazing producer. Focusing on a “side career” as a writer of things film and always dabbling in new genres to practice my art. I find myself drawn to unique adaptations of classic stories as well as "matinee" style movies that are more fun/escapist than moving/inspiring (e.g. "movies" over "films").
Great concept; great trailer. A histroically inaccurate riff akin to Family Guy/South Park. The trailer executes funnier than the script. Emmy winning with the right group of writers and voices!!
Funny. I think you can down play some of the ribald-ness of it. The breaks are perfect and the characters come to life pretty quickly. Suggest fine tuning to differentiate folks' attidtudes.
1
out of
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people found the following review helpful:
Good concept...needs some work
Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
Premise:
4 stars
Story structure:
2 stars
Character:
2 stars
Dialogue:
2 stars
Emotion:
2 stars
July 03, 2012
Victor -
I saw your post for a teen comedy swap and checked out your work. I have to say, dude, this is a solid premise and I can see it working on some level - but this ain't the level.
I think if you go back and re-work Yoshi - you have to give us a reason to understand Grim's decision to choose him. That will also give you time to focus on Yoshi and give us an idea to SHOW (not tell) that he is as good as he says he is in this version.
I would suggest taking a more comical tact with the next draft. Imagine the disciples as no-account jokester punks who Grim just doesn't trust to do the job. He's been mentoring these dolts for...ever, and now he's just fricking fed up - he wants to retire, take up surfing, spelunking, knitting perhaps - but these kids, just ain't got what it takes to trim the mortal coil. But there's this one kid...
Something like that - and ask yourself - what would make a kid want to become death incarnate - he has to see it as the counterweight to life, as a responsibility, but perhaps at the beginning he's not that into responsibility.
Also, take a re-read and pull out the grammar errors. If you cut and paste into word, and do a grammar check I think you'll see a bunch that can be culled pretty quickly.
Just some food for thought. Again, love the concept…
I love this premise! Tried and true formula (Tom and Jerry, Ren and Stimpy, etc.) with a neat, new twist. My kids would want to watch it, I'd tell them "no," they'd talk me into it.
On the fence. There is a great premise in there somewhere (maybe a two part pilot?) but just not funny enough to make it through the sadism for my taste.
The Usual Suspects, Captain Blood, The Hangover, Children of Men, To Catch a Thief, Shawshank Redemption, Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Avengers, The Warriors, The Adventures of Robin Hood, My Favorite Wife, The Princess Bride, Topper, Duck Soup
I saw your post for a teen comedy swap and checked out your work. I have to say, dude, this is a solid premise and I can see it working on some level - but this ain't the level.
I think if you go back and re-work Yoshi - you have to give us a reason to understand Grim's decision to choose him. That will also give you time to focus on Yoshi and give us an idea to SHOW (not tell) that he is as good as he says he is in this version.
I would suggest taking a more comical tact with the next draft. Imagine the disciples as no-account jokester punks who Grim just doesn't trust to do the job. He's been mentoring these dolts for...ever, and now he's just fricking fed up - he wants to retire, take up surfing, spelunking, knitting perhaps - but these kids, just ain't got what it takes to trim the mortal coil. But there's this one kid...
Something like that - and ask yourself - what would make a kid want to become death incarnate - he has to see it as the counterweight to life, as a responsibility, but perhaps at the beginning he's not that into responsibility.
Also, take a re-read and pull out the grammar errors. If you cut and paste into word, and do a grammar check I think you'll see a bunch that can be culled pretty quickly.
Just some food for thought. Again, love the concept…