Cindy Adams Los Angeles

I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: Interesting set up for the origin story.

Cons: The writing is overdone, lengthy descriptions and action weigh down the read. Too many lines of dialog crammed together slows it more and there are formatting errors. Parentheticals belong under the Character, not beside it and only ONE per line. To handle the foreign language it would be less distracting to just state that in the action description. This is Nakato. She speaks in her native language with(without) subtitles. The dialog is long and not especially natural sounding, though to your credit, you are trying to pick up the era, tough to pull off no matter.

Rewrite wise:

Pros: Titus shows up early!

Cons: I still didn't get enough of a feel for him as a person to connect to him as the story's hero.

I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: One of the most distinctive voices I've read yet. In fact I almost forgave you for the beginning voice over after your turn of phrase regarding the chained that I won't repeat here. Dialog worked well.

Cons: I was a little confused by the tone (the confusion is the con, not the tone itself) but 5 pages, it's tough to decide if it's offbeat or if there's humor threaded through it

Rewrite wise...

Pros: Interesting opening scene with action, Titus and other characters have much more stand out personalities

Cons: Though I had more attachment because of the characters, I wanted a bit more emotional connection, but that may well happen in the next few pages.

I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: You had me at the quote, I must admit. The writing is tight, and the characters jumped off the page.

Cons: For the most part the dialog was good, sort of picky for a ten day run but there are a couple of places you could omit in-the-nose lines, like the soldier's wound.

Rewrite

Pros: Definitely improved the characters and gave me an emotional hook into the story. It is my second favorite opening next to JA's (that would be in order, not preference.)

Cons: Maybe a touch short on action, but still it left me wanting more.

I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: Caracalla was an excellent choice for emperor, he was such a real life character that I have been surprised that no one else went that direction. He is well drawn with great over-the-top lines like They're just slaves, I can get more. a spoiled baddie that an actor would love to play.

Cons: Some heavy description and unfilmable action lines more suited to prose than a screenplay such as Something is wrong and Verica knows it.

rewrite

Pros: Titus appears in the beginning.

Cons: He is no more developed than in the first, it lacks significant action.

I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: The slave doesn't speak perfect English. Kudos... that's bothered me on every one. There's some emotion, Cassius is likable and has some dimension. And I like the "killed for a woman" bit.

Cons: Heavy action/description paragraphs really slow down the read. Reads more like a novel than a screenplay and much of the dialog is on-the-nose, though there's some good dialog.

Rewrite:

Pros: Without showing a bunch of backstory you introduced a ton with a single line of dialog. The characters are more developed as well.

Cons: Unless Cassius is the new hero, I'm still missing Titus and a connection to him. Lacks action for an "action" script.

I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: There's a lively style to the writing, a bit of wry humor that calls to adventure. There are some great visual references.

Cons: Some overwriting with too much detail, like a novel. Though delivered with a spoonful of sugar because of the style, it still slows down the read. The dialog is heavy and often there's too much. It tries in places to mimic language of the day, but in others, throws that out entirely... swearing: "Hell" (Even Hades was Greek) "Baby Sitter"

Rewrite wise:

Pros: Opens with action.

Cons: Titus is there, but no more developed than in the previous version.