GEORGE WEBSTER (London)

Character and structure

Drew does bring his main characters to life but there are no real stand out moments where we think, hang on a sec, I haven't seen this angle explored before. We support them, can sympathise with them to a point, but I am not really getting that emotionally invested. Part of the reason for this is that Drew's script does follow a very linear course and, I felt myself, second guessing the action.

Dialogue

Sometimes the characters do tend to speak their emotions a bit too directly... I would look to try and add a bit more nuance to how they talk to each other. ie: often true emotion comes out when doing the strangest things, not when you actually choose to talk about it...

Emotion
As I say, the script does make you care and sympathise for these characters...

Summary
Drew's writing is solid enough and his knowledge and passion for boxing shines through in this draft, but my suspicion is Drew cares far more these characters than his audience will. We have simply scene this scenario too many times, that if we are to invest in the story, then it must be an exceptional character piece (The Wrestler) or offer a far more dynamic plot that ups the stakes to unimaginable levels for all parties concerned. Currently, I just think the story is a bit light for a theatrical release.

Great title. Great premise. Great (potential) lead roles. And a great angle in a popular genre. It really does tick all the boxes from a producer's POV. But for me, Kate does need to decide tonally what type of story she wants to write. For me, this is 'Bridget Jones meet Bull Durham' and that is a huge pitch but one the script isn't quite delivering yet (probably not surprising given I just said it!).

Story Structure
Kate has a structure that works well and the script builds to a satisfying finale. However there are elements I would urge Kate to explore.
a) Graham, the romantic element to the story does come quite late / midway through the story and if you actually review the time Maddy and Graham actually spend together and what they say to each other -- the finale looks a bit unlikely. Not trying to be a sourpuss here honest.
b) Finding ways for baseball stars (Skip and Graham) to interact with Maddy / girls without being in bar. I'm thinking baseball bars do talks in schools, no? Putting the baseball stars in Maddy's setting I think would work well. In my head, I see Maddy not getting the plum gig of showing the baseball stars around the school, so she sits with the kids and asks questions! (NOTE: In Notting Hill - Richard Curtis is expert in finding scenarios in which to place his romantic leads)
c) Push the themes more. Maddy is all about the statistics (a great angle) but be good for her and the audience to experience the serendipity of life. Eg: she's on the metro, the door's close and a woman rushes for the doors, they slam shut on her bag, and a man helps her blah blah (we see they fall in love). Or Maddy gets queue barged and the person who jumped her in the queue gets pooped on by a pigeon... these are perhaps bad examples but 'such moments' will add bit more depth / texture to the story

Character
Kate does a great job of bringing Maddy and her friends to life. However I do fear the Baseball stars and in particular Graham suffer badly in comparison - especially if we compare him to the baseball stars in Bull Durham. Kevin Costner had some unbelievable lines in that movie.
What might help is to make Graham a more rounded character with more screen time outside of bar / baseball game (school visit could be part of the answer!)

As for Maddy. Again I would steer Kate in the direction of Bridget Jones. As well as her friends, Bridget's family played a crucial and emotive part in that film. Perhaps something to be explored?
What relationship does her Mum have?

In summary - Kate has some great characters but it would fantastic if 'the slumpbuster theme' was explored to more dramatic effect. Eg: is there some ugly teacher that one of Maddy's friends thinks is below her standards... but is actually a cool guy? This looks things can work both ways...

Dialogue
Don't get me wrong - there are some good lines here but I think it would be great if Kate reviewed every line of dialogue and asked herself a) does it move the story forward b) does it create a laugh c) does it reveal character d) does it create conflict. It feels like there are a lot of lines that could go. By being ruthless in this fashion, I think Kate could dramatically bring down the running length of the screenplay and provide room for her to weave in some more interesting scenes, helping her to develop both Maddy's and Graham's character outside of the confines of bar or school.

Emotion
Potentially this could be a very funny emotional rollercoaster of a screenplay. The big ending is in place (I would suggest Kate reviews dialogue here) but point is -- there's a big happy ending that could be a big weepy happy ending if Kate really pushes on from here.

To concluse on a high note - there's a big, big film here just waiting to be picked up. For me it's 'Bridget Jones meets Bull Durham' but whatever Kate decides it should be, if she puts in some hard yards, this screenplay has the potential to be a fantastic sports rom-com.

*If you found this review helpful, fair and constructive - then please review Honey Mane and I will review your script in a similar fashion. G

<Spoiler alert>

Premise
It seems from the reviews you either buy into this premise whole (and fingers crossed for Richard that a studio does) or you struggle to see how it can leap completely out of Austin Powers mighty shadow. I sit somewhat in the latter camp. That said, it is a credit to the writing that theoretically you could see how this could be picked up as a standalone vehicle for Dr. Evil from Austin Powers.

Actually Richard, it would help to know if you saw this as an animated CGI movie or live action?

Story Structure
The story hits the ground running, has twists and turns in all the right places, and builds to a satisfying finale that is true to the story.

Richard one thing I would change - is I would open with Devlin picking up his gong at awards ceremony. Show Agent Cox looking lovingly in his eyes and we can discreetly set up guy in turban up front. 30 seconds then bang into Devlin's villa... - just think this helps foreshadow things, adds bit more flavour...

Character
Slightly harsh three stars... but I think if Richard cuts back a little on his admittedly good dialogue, and puts equal energy into digging deep and finding some character nuances -- he could find some golden moments. (See comments on emotion.)

Dialogue
Very good. There are some lovely exchanges -- Steele's revelation of how he escaped the alligators perhaps being my favourite because it was a) unexpected b) true to the story c) revealed character. Comic timing wise -- The Hotel Receptionist's comment to change the sheets was also spot on. So the challenge is to cut back on the drier / verbose more plot driven dialogue exchanges, BE RUTHLESS, delete any line we don't need to read and dig deep to find more nuggets of gold like Steele's alligator piece. Then I'll give you 5 stars.

Emotion
With this story -- I see this running hand in hand with Character. It's all about nuance. Take Agent Cox? How has Devlin's 'death' affected her? Is she so super tough that she's blocked it out (the basic hollywood route)? It seems Richard has an opportunity with the story he is telling to perhaps explore Cox having a breakdown at a very inopportune time. Heck, that could be a bad example, but you get the point. Losing a fiance is a big deal and it could it could be explored (to great comic effort) and reveal character at same time. Basically Richard, follow what you've done with Steele and exaggerate for comic effect.

Things I think can be improved

Look at the Security Council Scenes - compared to the imagination you have shown with other scenes, I think these are running a bit flat. Eg: find an angle? Does the computer equipment work? Is one of the President's running late or needs to go for a pee? Look, these are perhaps crap but the point is -- at moment we've kinda seen this set up many times before. Richard, surprise us, amuse us, look for an angle on these scenes...

Summary
To be clear, for me 3 stars means good. There is no aspect of this script which is poor. Four stars says to me, you can option this puppy right now but don't rest on your laurels. And my five star award to structure is my recognition that a director could shoot it right now and it would work.

I hope this review helps, George

*If anyone reading this found this review helpful, fair and constructive - then please review Honey Mane and I will review your script in a similar fashion. G