Ryu Miyaki

Here are my thoughts as I'm reading the script:

* Great cinematic writing. I can really "see" the movie. There are, though, a lot of characters to follow.

* I like complicated, dark characters like Mick. To me, it's no problem that he's the protagonist. Other readers, though, might have a problem with it.

* Feels like Billie taking care of Mick and the scene with Murry runs too long. Also, the dialogue is a bit on-the-nose.

* The inciting incident works, though I wonder if Ghalib wouldn't be able to figure out where the kids are? Maybe the kids are supposed to be at school, but aren't (they're at a special camp, say) -- and Ghalib confronts Billie.

* Act I works, but there are some issues -- I don't buy the rationale for them not going straight to the police, Sammy's dialogue seems too casual. Wouldn't he (and Nadia) be asking questions non-stop -- Who are you guys? Where's mom? My uncle? Which uncle?

* I have a hard time believing the police wouldn't be a good option for Mick and company.

* How would Juan know what the bad guys said? Does the Arabic word for "mine" sound like the English "mine."

* The kids don't really sound like kids and they seem too casual -- considering what's happening to them and their mother.

* Just wondering, but maybe Ghalib has legal custody of the children, so Billie's breaking the law by kidnapping her children. And maybe Mick punched a cop earlier. Otherwise, I don't know why they wouldn't go to the police.

* I think we need to see more of Billie being in danger.

* There's quite a bit of expositional dialogue -- e.g., "That's all I need, someone else going off on their own. You, wait here while I go get him."

* Major question, why did Billie's husband stockpile the bomb equipment? Is he a jihadist? If so, why wouldn't he tell Ghalib exactly where the mine is? If not, why did he buy all this stuff? And why would he tell Sammy about the mine?

* I think the bad guys need to be more formidable. Mick is constantly able to break through their defenses and off them.

* Why can't Mick use the same tactics he was going to use to rescue Billie to rescue Nadia? It seems odd that he now has to make a trade for Nadia's life.

* The bad guys are literally walking right into the trap. They don't really feel like huge obstacles for Mick to overcome.

Here are my general thoughts:

Mick, to a certain extent, reminds me of the John Wayne character in The Searchers. I don't really feel him learning anything or becoming enlightened. I think he needs to be more nuanced... and have greater and more meaningful interactions with Sammy and Nadia.

Though I had some problems with it, Act I works dramatically. I'm not so sure about Acts II and III... there seems to be a lot of going back and forth between the mine and the bad guys' stronghold; the bad guys too often come across as sitting ducks -- they should come across as being almost invincible. I never once doubted that Mick would prevail.

All in all, this is a fast-paced, very visual read. Personally, I'm all for edgy movies, but... I wonder if this will be too political for Amazon Studios and Warner Brothers? This is just a question I had while reading the script... felt I should mention it.

I think that Dhampira is a draft or two away from being a salable script. I urge Amazon Studios to take a long, hard look at this. Feels like the elements for an effective horror are here -- there's intrigue, mystery, curses, action, sex. I did, though, have problems with the structure and dialogue. Toward the end, things were hard to follow and too often the protagonist, Mara, was being told what to do rather than figuring things out on her own.

Also, I think we need more complexity and mystery in some of the characters -- Jenny and Gaston, for example, seem more like characters created to advance the plot, than real people. And I don't think things build to a bone-chilling, white-knuckle climax that is necessary for all good horror.

The ideas are definitely here, but I feel the execution needs to be improved. Here are the issues I had:

* The dialogue felt very expositional. Not only that, but it was hard to separate the characters. The only person who had a distinctive voice was Jovan. There's also way too much greetings and goodbyes.

* A lot of scenes have too much flab -- they don't advance the plot at all. I feel several scenes should either be eliminated or combined with others. I don't think we need as much Tess as we get right now.

* When Gaston tells Mara, "The power of a dhampir," wouldn't Mara respond, "what's a dhampir?" And she knows Cyrillic? Also, I never got a sense that she was a graduate student.

* I think the haunting figure of Nellie needs to be seen throughout the movie, not just at the end -- the little girl waiting for her father to fulfill his promise to return home.

* Daniel's Kellek's storyline needs to be clearer.

* What about making Jenny an older, more mysterious character?

* I like the rationale behind Jovan becoming a vampire, but it seems -- based on his actions -- a harsh punishment. What if it's a result of him breaking a promise to Mirela? A promise he didn't want to break, but was forced to by his parents.

* I don't have a problem with the long scene between Jovan and Mirella. But I do suspect some readers will say, "Mara's your protagonist, this needs to be her story... you can't have this long scene of Jovan and Mirella."

I honestly feel this script has a lot of potential. E-mail me any questions.

Here are my thoughts as I'm reading your script:

* The dialogue between Ringo and the captain is very expositional.

* Jose's dialogue seems too casual for a guy buried up to his neck in a field. And he says, "I'm being killed here." Is this meant as comedy?

* There are quite a few typos -- missing commas, etc. Nothing major, but it does interrupt the flow.

* I don't think we need to be told what a soccer goalie does.

* I like how you reveal what Xochitl's father does. No one has sounded natural yet, though. Everything's expositional.

* The action lines are repetitive. We know that Ramon is her boyfriend, we know that the restaurant is a romantic place -- we were just told that in the previous scene, so instead of this,

"Xochitl and her boyfriend are in the midst of a romantic, candlelight dinner. RAMON is 23, handsome, earnest, very much in love with Xochitl."

It should be,

"Xochitl and RAMON, 23, handsome, earnest, are in the midst of dinner." (It doesn't bother me, but other readers might ask, "how do we know he's earnest?")

Also,

"... Ramon presents a diamond ring to Xochitl. It is an impressive rock."

Why not,

"... Ramon presents an impressive, diamond ring to Xochitl."

(Basically, a lot of the writing feels like padding, since you've got 109 pages, I think you can trim a lot and not worry about not meeting the minimum page count.)

* I think the setup works, though there are a few head scratchers -- the most obvious, why doesn't Maestro kill Xochitl? He's just killed her mother, he seems to enjoy killing, and he gets away with it.

* I'm not buying this scene between Maestro and Pancho at all.

* Great job with the ending of the dialogue between the Priest and Luis. Nice, witty banter.

* This doesn't bother me at all, but some readers will point out that this -- "The next few days she looks for work, but no one is hiring, the economy is down. Her funds are running low." -- is telling, not showing.

* Xochitl seems way too trusting. I know she's in a bad spot, but she just gets in a car with a stranger?

* Xochitl and Ramon never did it?

* Not being religious, I'm missing the religious allusions you're making with the American/Gabriel scenes.

* I have a hard time believing that Xochitl would become a prostitute so quickly.

* Your logline is, "A young girl, Xochitl, seeks revenge when a cartel assassin eliminates her whole family and she vows to pay them back." This Xochitl being a prostitute seems like it belongs in another movie.

* Plastic surgery scene... huh? Xochitl is getting a butt enhancement and yet she's "comfortable in her own body"? Isn't this like a John handing a prostitute money and then saying, "I don't pay for sex"?

* Waiting for the "seeks revenge" part to happen. Don't get Xochitl's motivations at all. She's at first offended that Norteno asks her to be a prostitute, then she loses her virginity to a strange man, then becomes a prostitute, then her foremost goal in life apparently is to be the best she can be at it... where's her grief over the lost of her family?

* What goal is Xochitl actively pursuing?

* I think Rick needs to be introduced earlier. The scene between Rick and Jefe is straight from The Godfather -- and countless other films that borrowed that scene (the mob father's desire for his son to make it in the legit world).

* We definitely need dialogue here: "Rick is ecstatic, explains his tactics to Xochitl who fears Rick is playing with fire."

* Jefe is okay with Rick stabbing him in the back because he admires his son's cunning?

* Xochitl doesn't know anything about guns? She killed Maestro with one, didn't she?

Here are my general thoughts:

The script reads fast, it moves along, but -- as mentioned before -- a lot of trimming is needed. The problem, for me, is I didn't know what the story was, what the movie was trying to be. Based on your logline, I assumed Xochitl would join the police right after her father was murdered, then dedicate every moment of her life to avenging the death of her family.

Frankly, her becoming a prostitute and then, only through happenstance (and not the active pursuit of her goal), did she get revenge, didn't work for me at all.

All in all, I think you have the pieces for an effective story, but a much tighter plot is needed. The characters' goals need to be made clearer; and their actions (and dialogue) needs to be much more consistent. Your dialogue had a couple witty exchanges, but, for the most part, it was far too expositional.

I don't think this script should be listed for "everyone."

Lastly, I basically have a generic rating system, so take that into account. If you have any questions, please let me know.

You certainly have an original screenplay – it's a Twilight Zone-ish story that focuses on important social issues. On a macro level, I think the structure works, but on a micro level, I had problems with how things developed. What follows is skewed to what didn't work, rather than what worked, so please keep that in mind...

I have an image of FBI agents as buttoned-down, by-the-book people, so I didn't really buy the rather casual (and perhaps insubordinate) dialogue of the agents. Also, the BLACK AGENT has a fairly significant role, so he needs a full name.

The opening scene dragged a bit. A lot of the dialogue comes across as too on-the-nose.

When Malcolm has his encounter with the white crew members, perhaps it'd be better if the crew let Malcolm win, rather then tell him off – then, to themselves, say “he'll get his.” That would foreshadow the ominous place the passengers are heading.

It doesn't bother me, but I know a lot of readers get their undies in a bunch when specific songs and artists are mentioned – e.g., “Fantastic Voyage by Lakeside,” “Fight the Power by Public Enemy.”

On the ship, it is hard to follow who's white, who's black, and who's white but wearing black face. I'm by no means an expert on this, but would a white person (Bruce) really be able to fool black people that he's black?

I like that Krueger's undercover, but would he really be given the responsibility of being the captain of the ship? And... how would he not know where the ship was heading?

Characters named Truth and Consequences come off as a little too cute.

I have a very hard time believing the passengers would willingly allow themselves to be shackled. And, frankly, I have an even harder time believing they'd be conned so easily – I think the ship needs to be stormed and the passengers overwhelmed by armed-to-the-teeth bad guys.

(It might be better, too, if the passengers, before getting on the ship, willingly give up their cellphones and other modern amenities.)

I was rather startled to find out that Junior is on the ship. Wasn't he arrested in the opening scene? If he wasn't convicted with running a slave labor camp – or he got off due to a technicality – that needs to be shown.

If Krueger's posing as a German, would he say, “I need ya'll to listen up”? Again, why would NWO make him the captain?

There are some good, funny lines, but a lot of the dialogue – Krueger and Bruce's exchange, for example – come off as very expository.

I think Luke needs to be introduced earlier. Also, I think we need to see what the island is like in Act 1 – we don't know anything about it until Act 3.

It's hard to follow what is occurring during the ship battle – my impression was Malcolm and the other passengers were winning, so it's a bit surprising to find out they lost.

Are there inhabitable islands off of Peru? Perhaps there are... but why not make the location in the South Pacific? I don't see any benefit in having the island be in Peru.

Why would Malcolm be saved? Wouldn't he just be killed?

How did NWO kidnap Patrick?

All in all, I think you have a very intriguing, unique story... I just don't think everything's working as well as they could right now.

I like your premise – the idea that gamers actually have or are developing important and useful skills is something a lot of moviegoers can get behind. It's topical, too. I saw on the news that the military is integrating gaming into their training. (Of course, all this is based on my assumption that flying remote control planes is considered the same thing as playing video games.)

The script reads fast and has many amusing moments. There are, though, a few problem areas...

While I can get behind the set-up – the mysterious military man Cagney recruiting the two slackers – I can't say that anything else is really 100% solid in this iteration. Not only are Gil and Gath hard to distinguish from each other, but so are Betty and Veronica. (Also, naming characters Betty and Veronica comes across as a little too cute. Same can be said for Gath's Maxwell Smart impersonations.)

I never got the sense that Gil or Gath HAD to be in Top Thumb – that this was their absolute last chance to make up for the failures of their lives. They seem too slack, too willing to go-with-the-flow. Additionally, I didn't get a sense of their superior gaming skills... most of the training they're doing seems to be regular pilot training. It seems that everyone does as much eating and drinking as they do military training.

Not much happens.. and when they do – like in the two battle scenes at the end – it's hard to follow what's going on. I'm not sure what Gil's doing in the SIM SUITE, other than turning on switches. How are we supposed to know he's a whiz at gaming? Also, I'm really not sure who Gil and Veronica are fighting at the end. I never got a sense of the characters being in any real jeopardy. Gath's accident happens so fast... I thought he'd use his parachute and be fine – I wasn't expecting him to wind up in the hospital.

All in all, I think you have the elements for a fun story here... right now, though, I can't say everything's working as well as it could. I think we need Gil to definitively be the protagonist and Gath his wingman... similarly, I think the same should occur with Betty and Veronica -- one female character should take prominence over the other. And we need to get a sense -- long before the battle happens -- of who the final battle antagonists are.

A few other things...

Some of the dialog came off as too on-the-nose – e.g., “I have a bad feeling about this,” “... he just raised the stakes,” “when does Captain Bond get tuned in to The Big Plan?”

On page 51, it should be Gil not Gath speaking the line, “Maybe we better buckle down.”

Regarding the Top Gun references – when Gil and Gath meet Betty and Veronica... while I was glad you didn't have one of them sing, “you lost that loving feeling...” I think some riff on Top Gun is needed. I dunno, maybe Gil says something like, “too bad it's not karaoke night...”

A fun, fast-paced script with original characters in a unique setting. I have to say, though, that I had a major problem with the fight. Randall is an experienced fighter, April a novice, so I don't think it'd be much of a fight -- and this is not factoring in his overwhelming physical advantage. But this, in and of itself, isn't insurmountable... what is insurmountable, in this iteration, is Randall's motivation in wanting to fight April.

Sure, there are financial and emotional reasons, but a man who wants to fight a woman loses all likeability -- and I think we need Randall likeable on some level. I think he has to be really goaded into the fight (like in Bull Durham, where Nuke is goaded into throwing a baseball at Crash)... and even then, not until April whacks him a few times and tells him this is a real fight, does he really start fighting. April's reason for the fight is obvious, so we can accept her goading Randall.

If April's going to be devastated by Josh's deployment, wouldn't she write to him? Too often, Josh seems like an afterthought -- I never bought that he was the love of April's life. I wonder if April could make a promise to him -- something she regrets, like, "I'll be here when you get back" -- and, knowing Josh isn't the guy for her, becomes depressed about it. Her relationship with him becomes one of her not willing to face the truth (she doesn't love him) and not having the gumption to end things with him. Right now, I don't get any payoff by their getting married at the end.

* * *

A few things that stood out while reading the script:

There are several "telling, not showing" action lines -- e.g., "Sharon is afraid that April's in the same downward spiral...", "At first, he's confused. Then he figures it out, and he gets angry."

The dialogue is expositional at times and too often we get people exchanging greetings and the like.

Randall is an adult, so would there be streamers and balloons at his birthday party?

The Tackett's listen to "smooth jazz." Is there any particular reason why? Not that there's anything wrong, per se, but it just stood out to me.

Why would the Tackett employees party after being laid off?

The town hall meetings come off as repetitious. Also, in every movie not set in a city, we seem to get town hall scenes.

Randall's bad behavior being a result of alcoholism seemed too convenient.

* * *

You've done a wonderful job creating characters that audiences enjoy spending time with... I just don't feel that the plot works as well as it should. And for me, it all comes back to April and Randall's fight.