4
out of
4
people found the following review helpful:
Excellent presentation of a good idea.
Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
Premise:
5 stars
Story structure:
4 stars
Character:
4 stars
Dialogue:
4 stars
Emotion:
5 stars
April 30, 2012
It was a pleasure to read this script. I truly felt the need to continue reading to see how it would it would end. Thank you for posting it.
Bear in mind that I am not a writer, producer, critic or anything other than an enthusiast for this genre and the Amazon Studios platform. Having said that...
The premise is excellent and such a common dream/wish of most people that it has to ring close to most hearts. The main characters are very well fleshed out but so are the smaller parts, particularly the folks interviewing Owen at the beginning, the bus driver and absolutely the 5 co-workers for the dream company.
The only 2 things I might suggest are:
1) A bit more edge in some of the scenes where Lester is being fired (instead of the boss simply saying, "Yeah, you.' something else like, 'Yes and I'm having him escorted out of my office as we speak.' just as the bank security guard enters the room - a security guard who also now has a beef with Lester).
2) A little more fear from the wife as the motivation for getting rid of the card. Something along the lines of her fear that there is a Rumpelstiltskin-like payback awaiting them that Owen was told about but has forgotten. He should remain certain that he is the lucky benefactor but she should have sincere doubts, even during spa treatments. This would particulary feed into the separation near the end when she believes her worst fears have been realized by Lester's attack.
Again, these are just my thoughts - you have got a terrific script going here.
Bear in mind that I am not a writer, producer, critic or anything other than an enthusiast for this genre and the Amazon Studios platform. Having said that...
The premise is excellent and such a common dream/wish of most people that it has to ring close to most hearts. The main characters are very well fleshed out but so are the smaller parts, particularly the folks interviewing Owen at the beginning, the bus driver and absolutely the 5 co-workers for the dream company.
The only 2 things I might suggest are:
1) A bit more edge in some of the scenes where Lester is being fired (instead of the boss simply saying, "Yeah, you.' something else like, 'Yes and I'm having him escorted out of my office as we speak.' just as the bank security guard enters the room - a security guard who also now has a beef with Lester).
2) A little more fear from the wife as the motivation for getting rid of the card. Something along the lines of her fear that there is a Rumpelstiltskin-like payback awaiting them that Owen was told about but has forgotten. He should remain certain that he is the lucky benefactor but she should have sincere doubts, even during spa treatments. This would particulary feed into the separation near the end when she believes her worst fears have been realized by Lester's attack.
Again, these are just my thoughts - you have got a terrific script going here.