Ken Merrell (Orem)

In the first 7 1/2 minutes of this film we saw a lot of nicely filmed scenes, movement, and action, but not “the action” spoken of by some of the worlds greatest philosophers, like Aristotle.

Today’s moviegoers are very smart. They have seen hundreds if not thousands of TV shows and movies and recognize some of the most basic principles that make a good movie, that is the “Action Idea” spoken of by Michael Tierno in his book Aristotle’s Poetics for Screenwriters. This same concept is used as the basis for most successful movies and is taught by the most successful instructors of film. The audience must get a sense of who the main character is and what they are up to in the first few seconds of the movie or they will not identify, shake their head, and not be interested.

That being said, after ten minutes we should be able to identify the main character and know what they are trying to do and identify with their opening characterization. In this piece we were introduced to many characters by the ten minute mark and still don’t know who the main character is. We can only guess by the intro that is the 2nd of the three men we saw in the beginning of the movie. In reality we seem to be watching three, maybe four different story lines that may in fact merge at some future date in the movie, but this makes the movie more artistic than storytelling. I stopped at 17 minutes.

You have done some pretty good filming, editing, and acting. Your characters knew their lines and seemed like professionals. I think you might benefit by reading and applying some of the teachings by Aristotle, Robert McKee and others who do such a great job helping us understand how the structure of a good story works.

I hope this helps.

Having finished my own test movie, using only illustrations, I understand the limitations of making great scenes. Here are a few suggestions that might help.

The new scene where we met the brother was a little confusing. It might not hurt to have mom and daughter swinging outside in the background.

I didn’t get the fact that fingers were cut off until after the fact. The use of ice by Marcos to preserve the fingers wasn’t clear either.

How did the flood happen, did brother start it? How did he know it would happen and when? If he started a flood, why didn’t the authorities arrest him for the terrorist act before he left the country? Using enough explosives on a dam is nearly impossible without drilling. It might not hurt to look into how hard that might be.

What was the purpose of the 1st scene at the cable car? I didn’t see where it moved the action forward most was exposition only, knowing she was being followed. We saw the action move forward in the second cable car scene where she hiked the mountain. Maybe they should be put together instead of split up.

Music is a very important part of a good movie. Placing music, just to have music, does not serve its purpose. Every piece of music should help the viewer understand the scene or a beat change. Is the scene important? Should we pay close attention to something? Has a turning point occurred? Sometimes music can be used to increase suspense, or intensify feelings. However, it felt like there were many places where music was placed as filler, with no changes in the action. Several times the same music went through one scene and then completely into and through the next.

Replaying the entire conversation of the insurance fraud and hijacked ship is not necessary. Your audience is smart and will get it, with just a little bit of the recording. What might work, would be to fill the time with other partial conversations pertaining to wrongful things we haven’t already heard of.

The business with the monkey was a little confusing and Marco’s evil laugh was a little too much. A great bad guy should be loved by his creator not despised. You might want to consider how we can see that what Marco is doing is good in his eyes. Right now there is no inherent good in him, but almost all bad guys have an underlying feeling that what they are doing serves some better cause. Good story tellers love their bad guys as much as their good guys.

When Dad discovers his daughter missing he doesn’t seem concerned, but asks about the assistant. You have given hints of the assistant twice, but this time it wasn’t appropriate. You never finish that line of action, but he kills Marcos against the order of his superior. What was missing?

I was confused when Marcos was knocked silly and locked up. You might need another illustration or two to show us what happened there. But you lost me when Marco showed up with his hand cut off. We need to know how that was even possible or it is not believable. Did he have a power saw in his pocket? What?

I was a bit disappointed in the ending. I was hoping to have some sort of personal feeling of understanding but it felt more like a political advertisement for humanity.

Overall, good job. The illustration was first class, actors did a great job, and much of the music was appropriate. I hope my suggestions help.

The killer bees were introduced early on, but it wasn't until 5 minutes into the movie we heard another word from any character. Killer bees weren't spoken of again until 11 minutes.

This story moves so slow it is hard to stay awake. It feels like music and visuals were used to make the story longer, only to meet time requirements. Sometimes it felt like i was stuck in a loop, no sound, no action.

My 18 month-old grand baby did watch with me for several minutes and seemed entertained, but I couldn't go more than 23 minutes.

Pretty good job on the animation.

Sorry guys, it needs some more work.

I'm still shaking my head.

I made it through the first 20 minutes but couldn't go on. I realize this is a test movie, but the script needs some refinement. I don't believe this is supposed to be a comedy, but the detectives talking about aliens and then looking into the camera as if the body was watching them, felt more comical than serious.

Using the same actor for the rich father and the detective was distracting. It took several minutes to realize the characters were supposed to be different people.

After 20 minutes the main character should have emerged, we should be able to see and identify with the main character very early on. I'm still not sure who that is.

It might be helpful to understand beats in the script too.