Brian Kuss (Crown Point, IN)

First, let me say that I think your title and logline are perfect. I was just surfing around the site today when I saw this script pop up and was like "wow, I've got to read this one". I am a sucker for what I would call "realistic alien" stories, and you hooked me on "alien visitation in 1781". Nice job.

This is a really well put together script. Overall, this is quite a gripping story with a lot of good payoff.

When I review, I try to focus on the areas that I think can use improving and need work, so here goes.

I found some parts of the script to be confusing, for example p28-29. I felt everything up to that point was playing well with a good creepy tone. But once they hit the invisible force field that keeps them in the house, it really threw me for a loop because Colin and Maddy don't really have any reaction to it. They're just like, "Oh well, let's get back to reading the diaries". And again on p56 "A spindly hand appears on the edge." Wow, did that give me the creeps. Perfect, I was ready for more, but then they just peek in the bedrooms and forget about it. There isn't even any dialog discussing what Maddy saw. It was a little bit of a letdown.

Your rating on the script is "everyone" however, you have way too much gunplay and scary moments in here for a PG rating. You're looking at PG-13 easily. With that being said, I would play that up and go full boat into PG-13 territory. Many parts of the script feel like you are going for an "ET" vibe, but personally, I think you would be much better off with vibe along the lines of "Signs" or "Super 8".

It also felt like some of the moments with the alien and the kids were a little too goofy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there are some scenes in this script that reminded me of the scene in ET where Drew Barrymore dresses up ET like an old lady. Goofball funny. There are also scenes in here which felt like the scene in Signs where Mel Gibson catches a glimpse of the alien on the roof and chases after it. Chilling stuff. Both scenes work perfectly, but I can't imagine those 2 scenes in the same flick. And I think that's what you've got here in your story and I think that's what's holding it back.

Personally, I would love to see this story re-written with the Alien not revealed until later in the script. The scenes with the kids playing with the alien cut down. Much more tension and suspense regarding the house and the force that is keeping them there in the present day scenes and more fear and shock to the aliens presence in the period scenes. I'd also try to hold back the Mary and Paul reveal until as close to the end as possible. Right now, I think Mary telegraphs that a little too soon and it's a bit anti-climactic with Paul at the end.

But like I said, over all this was very good. I'm not easily impressed at all and this one did the trick. Glad I gave it a read and good luck to you!

This review is going to focus solely on what I think needs work in this script, so don't take it the wrong way. My belief is that reviews should offer serious, constructive criticism that can help with re-writes.

I agree with your creative notes, "This is only a rough draft. I shelved this one directly after Fade Out, and haven't look at it since... until now. WOW. It needs some serious work, a full scale rewrite to say the least..." There is a good script in here, you just haven't shaped and crafted it yet.

After reading the first ten pages, here is my initial thought: I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. In the first 10 pages you have, by my count, introduced 7 different locations and at least 16 named/speaking characters. That is just way to much information any way you look at it. You really need to slow those first pages down. Intro your characters, let us know who they are or at the very least clearly define who the protagonist is. You have so much plot jammed into those pages, but yet later there are many scenes that serve no purpose all. I’ll get to those in a minute.

And the new characters don’t stop after the first 10 pages. It seemed like every time I flipped to a new page there was a new character. And then they were killed off a few pages later. Why bother to introduce characters and if they’re just going to be fodder a few pages later and serve no purpose? There are so many characters coming, going & dying in this script, it’s impossible to keep them straight. There were a few occasions that I forgot who characters were and then had to go back and find them in previously in the script to refresh my memory.

There are a lot of scenes that need work here so I can’t get into them all, but let me go into detail on this one. Hopefully it will point you in the right direction as I think it typifies what is going on in this draft. Page 14. It’s somewhat reminiscent of the classic ear-slice scene in Reservoir Dogs. However, the reason that scene worked and yours doesn’t is because the characters in Reservoir Dogs were built up perfectly before the ear came off. We knew Michael Madsen was a psycho. We had a feeling that Tim Roth was undercover. We knew the cop was vulnerable. The tension in that scene was incredible. And when Steelers’ Wheel came on the radio, that pushed everything over the top. Now imagine if that scene had been the intro scene for all those characters. Would it have been nearly as powerful? Not even close. That’s the problem with your scene on p14. There is no build up at all for Caldwell & Ortiz before that scene. We don’t even know who these people are. You can’t just say “This is a man clearly not used to surrendering control, by any means.” You need to show us first. If you moved this scene back to say, p50 or so, well after we knew who these two guys are, and then built up the tension, it would work so much better.

Aside from your character issues, another big problem is that the structure of this script is virtually non-existent. I didn’t really figure out what was going on until p32 or so. Your inciting incident is the raid on the compound on p4. Plot point one is when they finally kidnap Vanessa on p33. I couldn’t really identify a midpoint. Same with plot point 2. Where is it? You’ve got so many people dying left and right, what’s the low point for Vanessa? Her boyfriend gets killed on p44, so you’d think that would be it, but that’s way too early. And she never mentions him again after that. I’m guessing your climax starts on p84 when Vanessa tries to escape, but again, it’s not really clearly defined.

Let me jump back to the characters for a minute. There are so many of them packed into this script, I really didn’t have a chance to like any of them. Vanessa is supposed to be our hero, but what was likable about her? I was actually rooting for Johnny & Edie at the end to just shoot her and get it over with. None of these characters, except for maybe Johnny, are all that believable. And a lot of them are just here for fodder and don’t advance the script. Lisa for example, you can lose entirely. She serves no purpose at all. Oscar and Diane can easily go. Callie and Rob don't really serve any purpose other than eventually catching bullets. Keith can go, etc, etc...

As far as the plot goes. There's a lot of what I would call non-believable holes in the plot. These are things that just made me stop and say, "Whoa, wait a second here, what just happened???"

- The DEA, ATF & FBI are all federal agencies, why is a local mayor coordinating / running that task force?
- P7 - Kate is supposed to be the mayor of LA, yet she pulls a gun on a reporter in her office? Wow.
- P23 - It’s just not believable that Kate wouldn’t call the cops at this point. Are the cops corrupt? How would we know that? From the 20 second scene with the chief of police? OK, so let’s assume the cops are corrupt. Who cares, she’s working with the FBI, right?. Why on earth would her first call be to a reporter that she clearly hates from the scene 15 pages earlier. Her daughter’s just been kidnapped for Pete’s sake. Makes no sense.
- P39 - After being as careful as they were about headcounts, etc, Johnny wouldn’t check to see if Mason was really in the port-a-john?
- P62 - on p50 Vanessa tries to run away and doesn’t make it. On page 62 she tries to run away again and makes it this time. You need to do something different here. Repetitive.
- P66 – Why would Hawkins go with these guys? It makes no sense, they were just ass-holes to him 20 seconds prior.
- P70 – Why bother letting Vanessa escape if you’re going to just recapture her 8 pages later. It doesn’t advance the plot at all, lose it.
- P84 – I don’t know what’s going on here. I thought the girls were locked in a room, now they’re escaping somehow. If Vanessa’s that important, why not keep her with Johnny? Seems contrived.
- P91 - Why would Johnny appease Kate by letting her talk to Vanessa on the phone? Makes no sense. He’s a madman, been killing people left and right for no reason for 90 pages, but he’s going to back down now? Again, seems contrived.

The third act of this script is full of anti-climactic moments such as:

- Kate flies off in a chopper to save her daughter, she talks repeatedly about going out to save her, but yet she never ends up leaving the HQ.
- P104 - Vanessa’s going to take charge now. She’s gonna go back and kick ass and take names. She locks and loads with... a stick. Wow.
- P107 – “Vanessa pops out from behind a tree, and CRACKS Johnny in the teeth with her hand-crafted slugger. He flies backwards and lands on his ass. Out cold.” After all that death & destruction Johnny has laid waste to, Vanessa jumps out from behind a tree and whacks him with a stick? Talk about anti-climactic.
- P110 - Johnny, the antagonist of the story, gets killed by stumbling on his own landmine. Wow again.

The dialog needs a lot of work here as well. Just for example:

- P11 – “The man repulses me.” You don’t need to say things like this. We get it from what just happened in the scene.
- P36 – “I don’t know...but I’m pretty sure our trip is cancelled.” That’s not believable after just seeing someone’s head get blow off.
- P54 – “Damn it. I lost the bullhorn.” Unless this is a comedy, completely unbelievable after just being shot at.
- P71 – “Yeah, but that was a nice dresser.” “So what. The guy’s a scumbag.” “You’re right...fuck it.” Again, unless this is a comedy, this dialog just does not reflect the proper mood for the scene at all.
- P84 – “The place is already a circus”. Lines like this are unnecessary. We can already see that the place is a circus from the scene.
- P96 – “I’ll let you guys flip for it.” Do you really think the leader of a hostage rescue team would say that, and then run off? C’mon.
- P98 – “Listen up. Anybody here with a gun and a badge, you better pack your bags and stack your mags” Would a police chief really say that into a megaphone in front of a group of reporters? This sounds like a Leslie Nielsen flick.

To me this script reads like someone just sat down and started typing without much of an idea of where they were going. Now, that's fine if your goal is to just get ideas down. But when you start to flesh out a script, you need to really identify and focus on the key points of your story. Make sure they hit the proper beats and appear at the right juncture of the script. Write an outline and figure everything out before you start scripting scenes. And make sure every scene and every character has a purpose and advances the plot.

Bottom line, here's my recommendation. You can realistically probably lose a third of the characters and maybe a good 40 pages out of this draft. Have the raid start on p10, Vanessa’s kidnapping on p20. Show the political corruption first so that we understand what is happening. Explain what is going on with Kate, the Police Chief & the FBI. Have Kate realize the police are against her be the midpoint. Have Mason’s death pushed back to become plot point 2. Have Kate and/or Vanessa be the ones to take down Johnny (with something more eventful than a stick). Have some sort of resolution for Caldwell. Get rid of the corny dialog lines and get more into the moment of every scene. Take the 40 pages of scenes you cut and use them to add back in moments that build tension. Slow down your pacing and don't force feed everything. That is the secret to flicks like Ransom.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Like I said, I can see a decent script in here somewhere, you just need to cut the fat and add more meat. Good luck!

I should have waited until next month to submit my scripts for the October contest, lol. Wow. Just wow. This is an incredible script. I mean sure, at its root, it’s themes we've all seen before. Good vs. evil, young love torn apart, a son who has issues with his father, etc... But what sets all these similar stories apart is in the execution.

And this script was executed fantastically. The characters were well developed and believable, dialog was spot on (which has to be difficult when writing a period piece from 1692), story was gripping from beginning to end with the perfect amount of suspense and no typos or errors I could spot.

I feel like I need to offer some sort of criticism here and believe me I had to look really hard to find something. On p64, the captain's reaction didn't seem to fit with what he just witnessed. I felt he should be much more taken aback and in awe. That scene almost felt like it had a slightly comical tone to it. You might want to make it a little more serious.

The scene with Caleb & Jacob on pages 75-77 has a real strong Star Wars Luke/Vader vibe too it. I noticed it immediately and it really took me off guard. You’re dealing with vaguely the same sort of situation here, where a son is being told things he doesn’t want to hear about his father. I think if you just changed some of the phrasing in there, it might benefit you because those lines from Star Wars are so iconic & memorable. For example, Caleb says: "You lie. It's not true.", "No. He was a good man. You're the evil one, Jacob. Not him.", "There's no evil in me.", "I'll stand in the light. Like my father before me." Trust me, watch those scenes with Luke and Vader on the catwalk in Empire and when they are on Endor in Jedi. Then go back and read those pages in your script, you'll see what I mean.

Also on p109, having the women fight the fire beast with buckets of water seemed anti-climactic after everything else we had just seen. Instead, you may want to do something like have them use their powers to pull waves of water out of the ocean to douse it.

One more thing I will say and this doesn't reflect negatively on the writing of the script at all. What've you got here is a big budget period script based very loosely on the Salem witches and pirating. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how commercially viable something like this would be because it's not 1) "based on actual events" or 2) based on a ride a Disney World. Which is really a shame because this is one heckuva story.

Anyway, I'm really glad I stumbled on your forum post and had an opportunity to read this. Great Job!

This is going to be a really short review. This script is extremely well written, but I'm guessing you already know that. Dialog is great. Totally natural and believable. Characters are well developed and Mike's journey is clearly identified. Lots of funny bits in here too. This is a thoroughly enjoyable and entertaining read.

Just a couple minor issues, only because I feel like I need to offer at least some constructive criticism. I would have liked to see more of Casey earlier in the script. She is such a focal character of act 3, but there are huge chunks of the script without her. For example, Casey does not appear at all between pages 13 and 38. That's 25 minutes of screen time. And then again also between pages 45 & 65. That's 20 more minutes without her. Her character does feel well developed, but you still need to interject her in those spots, just so that the reader remembers she is still part of the story.

At 120 pages, this is a little long for a comedy. There are probably some bits with Mike, Val & the swingers that can be trimmed in order to close the gap on the Casey appearances.

And while your act 2 is huge, act 3 feels a little rushed. It's all the way on p113 when Mike gets home, finds Val in bed with the other guys and realizes his marriage is probably over. Then he's only got 7 more pages for him to hook up with Casey. I would move that bedroom scene up a little and add some resolution between Mike and Casey.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this script. Good luck with your writing!

OK, here goes. I hope you're ready for some tough love here...

My main problem with the script was with the story structure. Specifically, you really don't have a plot point #1 in here. Your inciting incident is the assassination attempt outside the bar on p15. That sets the story in motion, but comes a little late. Should be at around p10. By p20, we need plot point #1. What is this story going to be about? Think about Indy taking on the job to find the Ark. Or Luke saying, "There's nothing for me here now, I'm going with you to Alderaan". That is the point where the audience "gets it". When they know what the story is about and they settle in for the ride. Right now, Paul is basically like, "Hmm, well, OK. I need extra cash so I'll go with you." That's not enough information and not enough to drive this entire story. We need to know what the end goal is. Maybe Theo has wronged him in the past and Paul is secretly plotting revenge. Or maybe Paul is secretly working for the government. Or maybe Theo is hatching some plan to kill the President and needs to be stopped. Whatever it is there needs to be more of a reason for Paul to drop everything and go with Theo. You've got a big budget action script here. Something big needs to drive the story.

When writing, you need to keep in mind that YOU know how the story will come out because it's in YOUR head. We, as the readers, have no idea what is going on until we read it. You need to keep us focused and interested. Right now, it's going to be tough to get a pro reader to keep going on this one past page 30.

I also think you need to lose the character of Paul's mom entirely. This will help you in several ways. First it will shorten your page count before your inciting incident. It will also help you out immensely with plot point #2. Your plot point #2 is when Lena gets shot on p86. That's it for Paul, he can't get any worse. Everything is lost. So then what does he do? He goes home to cry to mommy and finds out, "oh well, she's been killed too." Wow, talk about anti-climactic. He needs to stop right there and drive straight to the rebels, lock & load and turn right back around to kick ass. The way you have it written, it isn't even his idea to go back! Dave, the lowly mechanic has to IM him and talk him into it. What kind of hero is that? Paul needs to drive the story for that part on. Everything needs to be about him getting his revenge.

A couple other issues I had with Act 3. How does he get the car on/off the island? And why does Theo just let him go? You have the scene earlier where Mike shoots the guy who is trying to run away. He makes it clear that "That’s the price you pay for Serber to trust you with his secrets." Having Theo just let Paul go doesn't make any sense.

A couple other things. Paul is the main character in the story, but there are too many scenes without him. You have a lot of scenes with Lena & Susan that don't really advance the story and could be cut or trimmed. Also, the fight in the circle between Paul & Aaron is a total let down. You build that up so much and they when they get in the ring it's over in half a page. They really need to go at it for a while and then have Aaron cheat at the very end.

On the plus side, your dialog is good for the most part. You've got a lot of interesting locations and you paint a vivid picture of how things look and are setup. Action scenes have a good flow, are well written and keep the reader interested. The characters are fairly well developed also. Overall, your script was an enjoyable and entertaining read.

Here's the bottom line for me. You need to figure out what is going to drive the story and keep people interested. Rewrite based around that idea. Read up on the 3 act structure and make the timing moments fit in where they need to be. Paul needs to come off as a real hard ass, right now he's too much of a wuss. Imagine a younger Jason Statham playing that role. Can you picture him (at age 29) going home to his mom? Lose any unimportant dialog & scenes. Everything should be tied to advancing the story. I really think that this script can be crafted to be a lot more interesting and entertaining than it is now. That's not saying it's bad by any means, it just felt like a lot of unrealized potential.

I really hope this helps and wish you good luck with your writing!

This script is very reminiscent of Cast Away. The main character survives a plane crash, is stranded alone, has to fight to survive, acquires a pal (or volleyball), is found after their family has already buried a casket of their belongings, and doesn't end up hanging around with their family after everything is all said and done. Now that's fine. It's done all the time in Hollywood. (I mean Avatar was the same base plot as Pocahontas). But if you're going to go down that road you really need to pull it off. The good news is I think you're pretty close to doing just that.

I really liked the first act. As I read scripts I jot down notes as I go so I can remember what I was thinking at the time. My first 2 notes for this script were "Pacing is good" & "I really like this". I'm a real pessimist, so that's good stuff coming from me, lol!

The parachute in the plane bit did seem a little odd/off to me though. I did like her being stuck in the tree, so maybe have Jane put the parachute on before they take off? You could even make it a funny bonding moment, where she sees the parachute and asks her Dad if she's going to need that? Then he could laugh her off, but she's like, well, I'm not taking any chances and puts it on anyway almost as a joke to push his buttons.

Obviously, there are long stretches without dialog. I was almost to the point of starting to get bored. You may want to try to interject something else into those stretches to break things up a bit. Maybe a close call with a rescue plane just to ramp up the tension a little? Or maybe when she finds the crashed plane, the radio could still work, but the microphone was cut off so she could only listen and not talk back?

Also, I'd have Mark speak more. Once she found him, I was thinking, "Whew! OK, we finally get to have some dialog again." But then he was silent as well for several pages. I would have liked more character development there. Or you could also build suspense up more in that part too. What are his motives? Does he really mean to harm her? Does his radio really not work or is he lying?

The point where you lost me though was when she finally made it back to town. When she stood on the side of the road and stuck her thumb out, I was like WHAT? She should be running into the street blocking traffic and screaming until somebody stops. And when she gets back into town, the first call has to be to 911. Do not pass go, do not stop at a diner for a snack.

I also think that her mother is too harsh in the final act. The reader has to hate the mother, but I think it went past the point of being unbelievable. The story needs to be about Jane's redemption. We need to see that she has really changed. To me, most of the third act was just reinforcing that Lisa is a bitch. But we already found that out within the first few pages of the script.

This script certainly has its flaws, but I think they are easily addressed. I really like the premise, and with a re-working of the 3rd act, and a little tweaking here and there, it could really be something special.

Hope this helps and good luck with your project!