Nicholas Robison (columbus )

Some basic errors like (...behind her. She gets on HET two back legs, neighs and runs... OR SHEILA
Wish you’d have think about it before!)

I will not be covering.

Read the first few narrations, there are some pretty easy fixes in there.


SPOILERS AHEAD

Okay, so, I did not read the first five, and I jumped right into things, so many of my comments could not be helpful in the slightest, but I shall try anyway.

First off, you hit the ground running. Once we are introduced to the girls for the first time, you also have the birds attack them. What are these birds? How did they get there? Don't be afraid to describe them a little. But I am wondering how these birds even killed the pilot. Do they have nasty beaks? As big as a person?

Next is the Temple scene, which brings me to my big issue. You have a fantastic world, in the true meaning of fantastic. However, It seems to me sometimes you will have something very intriguing, the next something will seem a little cheesy to me.

For example, the temple scene, RIGHT after the plane, gets maybe one or two lines of explanations before the battle starts. It seems to me like this is rushed to in order to see which girl has what power.

What if you took out the airplane scene and started right in the temple/ right before the temple? This would introduce the girls power, the girls can then talk, and later the guys introduced, slowly introducing the characters. Also, a good description of the temple could be placed after. This would also allow for this script to stand alone instead of being just for those who read the others. Just an idea.

At the end of the temple, the girls just shrug it off, and the story resumes. Again, there is seemingly unrealistically little dialouge. IT seems like you may be shy of it.

Overall, I feel like the story seems rushed, the characters not explained. I will not dock many points because of it, because I assume you have talked about them in the earlier stories.

Instead of lots of action scenes, why not cut a few of them down, to make the others more lenghty/ more epic? Less than half way through and there has been a fight in the plane, fight in the temple, slaying of the Akilars, and a fight with themselves.

For example. What if you took out the fight with the Akilars? The fight does not progress the plot at all. It almost seems like a diversion or a filler.

Overall this was my biggest concern. I feel like very little actually was NEEDED in order to get to the final battle. On top of that, I knew the characters names, but very little about them. The world you have created is very intriguing, but almost seems to go overboard sometimes. This is your first version of the script, so I know this is not what the finished product looks like.

I am very curious to see where this story leads as you perfect it.
Best of luck in the future.

First off, I liked it, I am going to be focus on things you may want to change/adjust. However, there are a few concerns I have with it. Technically, the script was great, so most of my concerns are going to be opinion based. You will have to decide whether to listen to them or not.


SPOILERS AHEAD


First, the script was pretty long, which is not a big deal if I felt like the tension was a little more balanced. But this script is pretty long for a story like this, and if that is the case, I think you may want to work on the tension a little. In Italy, especially, I felt like it dragged a little. Once Rodger and Sara move back to the USA, the pacing picks up significantly. I would consider trimming up the script or trying to work on the tension.

Does their kid in Italy even matter? I am not sure if it contributed much to the overall plot. It seemed almost like a twist thrown in there. Maybe I missed something, but I just feel like if she was cut from the story, the overall plot would not suffer.

Second, you had some very clever plot twists and a very clever plot. Unfortunately, it just did not quite hit me as I think it could have. Thinking about it, I think something you may want to consider is making the Mayor/ Bill a little more villainous. Bill did not even do anything to the story. He was part of it, but contributed little.

Also, the reveal of Sara and Macie at the end is very big. However, it was only foreshadowed in one short flashback. Maybe other small nugget of a hint could be added for a bigger impact. The Major was revealed as the villain early on, so the biggest impact is Sara at the end. Take advantage of that. I would try to subtly foreshadow that a little more.

One other quick thing. At the end he happened to have that piece of plastic in his pocket when they were laying out on the beach? That seems a little bit of a stretch... He doesn't need to HAVE the plastic. I would just omit it.

These are just suggestions. Hope they help out and I think you have a great story here. Wish you the best of luck in the future.

I will admit, I was a little hesitant with starting Tour Two. By the way, you have this under action adventure, and it really isn't one. Thats not a bad thing. I would call it as a drama/thriller. I was expecting the postal workers to pull out guns and fight some terrorists or something.

It is a little slow, but it really began to pull me in the longer it went on.

First off, the script has a great premise, with little for me to comment on. There are some formatting errors, and there are many times where your script would interrupt a conversation to remind me of where the location was. I do not know it this was due to the program or what, but do try to fix that. It made it hard to read.


WARNING: SPOILERS

First off, my biggest complaint with Tour Two is the lack of development on Brian and Susan. In the beginning, you introduce all four, and each character has an interesting subplot. I really think you should see more of them. Not only that, but both of those subplots were a source of tension. Terri and Steen were very good likable characters, but I felt that you sacrificed the other two characters in order to focus on Terri and Steen.

Brian is an interesting characters, and his relationship with Kay is interesting, but I really felt like they should have been used more, especially near the beginning to balance out the tension. I did mention the beginning was slow, and I think exploring Brian and Susan will be a great way to keep your audience hooked. Also, that allows you to emphasize the villain Marshall more.

I would not show the shooting on the TV. As soon as I read that, I knew that Brian was going to do it. I know you may have been trying to foreshadow it, and that may be the least obvious way, but if there is a better way to do that, I would try that. If you cannot make it any more subtle I may just cut it altogether. I think playing that card closer to your chest may work out better.

Also, I feel like there are a couple moments where you seem to rush things. For example, Andrew beat up the manager. Why is this important? Why does this matter? Does this mean Steen now has more responsibility now? Did they catch Andrew? Even Steen overhearing a brief conversation with two workers talking about what happened to him would fill in the gaps.

I would personally make Swan's affection for Steen a little more obvious earlier on. To me, I seemed like it was a pretty fast transition from co-worker to a guy she has a crush on. And if there was some easy way to show that time is passing, I would try that too. I also felt like Steen proposing to Terri came a little soon. Showing time is passing somehow would help with that.

Now I know I am being picky, but I am trying to help. I think you really have a great idea here, and refined correctly could be possibly be a big winner here. Best of luck to you.

Hope this will help.

First off, the beginning of the script is great. I loved the opening. It gave me a great impression.

SPOILER ALERT:
I WILL TRY NOT TO RUIN THE STORY, BUT I WILL REFERENCE SEVERAL KEY THINGS


Then came the school scenes with the introduction of the Jock's and "Bon Bon's"... Whether or not you meant to play off the stereotypes of high school, I think they are a little too overpowering. This tale is a dark and gritty tale but the high schoolers just seem unbelievable at times. While the their dialogue is good, the stereotypes are too overbearing. I personally think you may want to consider them being more subtle in their attacks on Shaylee. Throwing a pee balloon in a restaurant I doubt would get much laughter from everyone, and definitely not from whomever is running the place. Also, Trish saying Shaylee "wants to be like us", just seems too much. Smaller subtle things I believe would be more effective than the almost unrealistic arrogance and cruelty. Mitch playing a cell phone game when talking to an police officer.....

Also, it seems like the characters at times seem to under react at times. For example, the part that first caught my attention was when Claire finds out about the pee balloon. You have "Claire made a disgusted face" then her line after that is "I will, Thanks Sweetie". I imagine her to be furious, but this is only a suggestion. After Scott's death, Trish going out shopping? She seems perfectly fine. If three good friends of hers died, I figure there would be at least a little emotion...


BIG SPOILERS AHEAD

Another aspect holding back the story is the predictability of the murders. There are all things viewers have seen before. If you are trying to build suspense, it cannot be obvious when someone is about to get killed. One way to help this, is to have fake outs. Have a scene where it seems like a character could be murdered, and seemed like they would be murdered, but are not. But as soon as the viewer sees one of the "chosen ones" go off by their self you know it is game over for them.

More effective was the tension brought with the Mary and Shaylee. I think there needs to be a bigger focus on that tension versus the murdering. This story needs to use and abuse the relationship with the mother. It is a very powerful relationship and needs to be used more effectively.

Overall, I enjoy the premise, but was quite disappointed with the overall product. This however, is a quick fix. You have a very unique character, and a unique premise. The characters are a little unbelievable at times and fantastic at others. I would recommended trying to be more subtle with the characters and with the tension.

I hope this helps and I think you may be one or two revisions away from something special. I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Electric Sunset is an interesting premise, especially with it's loyalty to ACDC; however, it follows in the footsteps of others without excelling at any one area. It has style, but never manages to use it effectively enough to forgive it of it's lack of bland dialogue and two dimensional characters. While some characters thrive on personality, most of the characters suffer from painful dialogue. For every one witty remark there are several that suffer from bland writing and an overuse of expletives.

The story is no more better or worse than most modern action movies, and this script lacks any emotional depth. I realize this is not the focus of the story, but without memorable characters (except the main character Nick) there is little to become attached too.

Electric Sunset may turn out to be a very entertaining script if it can work out its characters and dialogue. It has style, but it is not enough to compensate for it's weaknesses. Electric Sunset may only need a revision or two to get off the ground, but until then, Electric Sunset will not rise above the sea of other action movies.