Alex Sinesi Carrollton, Virginia

I want to start by saying this is a teriffic premise, and an extremely ambitious first script. The number of characters you introduce and develop is truly impressive, and while you joked in the forum about your "Tarantino'd" dialog, I actually found it to be a refreshing divergence from the norm for a lot of these characters, many of whom easily could've been stoic cliches of native americans, cops, etc. That said, I think the script needs a lot of work to bring out its full potential.

First off, some formatting issues. You really should remove all camera directions from the script. In fact, remove any reference to the camera at all, as well as sound effects, cgi, and othe post-production details. This is as close to a hard and fast rule as you get in modern screenwriting.

Second, go through and delete every reference to 'we,' the audience. As in: We see the prison, we hear the screams, the body is revealed to us. This one can be pretty difficult sometimes, but it will make your prose much stronger. References to an audience can pull a reader out of the story. You never want to give them a moment's pause -- they should be living your script, not reading it.

Get rid of all references to a (BEAT). There's really no such length of time in a movie, it's a hold-over from old-fashioned playwriting, and actors don't like being told where to put their pauses anyway. If you want to break up somebody's speech, put a line of action between sentences.

Descriptions are too long and wordy, more like a novel than a screenplay. Example:

Page 22. "Agent Claiborne is a man of medium build, with pale blue eyes
and sandy hair. Although not very imposing physically, his
confident demeanor and hardened features attest he is a man
of some experience in the Bureau. He answers the warden."

Instead, you could just say: AGENT CLAIBORNE -- tough, handsome, exudes confidence.

Leaving out particular details of his appearence such as eye color and weight actually makes it easier for a reader to visualize a character, because they are then able to focus on personality rather than appearence, which is much more likely to connect a role you've written to a known actor. Generally, you want to keep your action/descriptive paragraphs down to three lines or less.

One final note on formatting, try not to introduce a ton of characters by their full names in a single scene, especially if they aren't main characters. An example would be Page 4, where you introduce four guards at once, all of whom die only pages later. Just last names should be fine for them.

That's the major stuff for formatting, my other critiques are with the story itself, and these are much more suggestions for you to take or leave -- a lot of this is based on personal preference.

I found the first act of the script is very confusing, because you don't establish a protagonist until about 50 pages in. Before that, I'm sort of adrift, wondering if its John, or Danny, or one of the guards, or sherriff Earp...Adam's introduction came way too late in the story for me, and I'd been thrown into the perspective of so many characters that I couldn't fully invest in his struggle.

For me, the first dream sequence was more comical than intense or frightening. An out of control urine stream and demonic mimes? I have to give you points for creativity, but ultimately I don't think you achieved the effect you were going for. I would also limit the initial casualties to just one guard, not four. Because three die offscreen, there isn't much impact to the bigger body count, and one guard dying in his sleep would be far less likely to get the prison staff on alert. That brings me to another issue --that they were on alert anyway, th unbelievably casual attitude they had toward the mysterious death of four guards. I would assume in such a case the prison would go on lockdown while the cracked some skulls at the very least. Just killing one guard would give the rest of the story more of a build-up, otherwise the mayhem is turned up to 11 right from the start.

As previously mentioned, I thought the guards just weren't hard enough on their prisoners -- they generally seemed afraid of the inmates and put up with a huge amount of insubordination and insults from Danny and John. The fact that they never really do anything to Danny beyond peeing in his cell -- and this after he hurls countless insults at them, also makes him seem less victimized by the system and more of a wanton, bloodthirsty monster. Seeing him beaten down and insulted would give him a little more motivation and complicate our feelings about him.

While I liked the character of Ed, I thought he spent way too much time explaining. He introduces new concepts to Adam with a series of giant monologues that were tiresome to read. Cut these way back and emphasize the visual aspects of his teachings.

While things did ramp up in the later stages of act 2 when Earp's task force starts hunting for Danny, I still didn't feel like they were being very proactive. Their work felt more like an investigation than a manhunt and lacked urgency. Also, many of the characters on the team were still getting introduced and developed well past page 100, and it simply felt too late in the story for this kind of development. Re-structuring act 1 will help a lot with this.

The finale was really cool, I liked that Earp was pulled into the dream world to help put Danny down, but it took way too long to get there. I think if you trim back your scene descriptions and some of Ed's dialogue, this could be a trim, fast 120 page script. I really hope this review doesn't discourage you so much as helps you bring out this script's huge potential. Good luck.

This is a beautifully written script. The opening paragraphs are spellbinding -- as measured and controlled as they are poetic. You have a very consistent and confident voice, and that's something that simply can't be taught.

Isaac is a great lead. You make him mysterious and forceful without ever resorting to the lazy shorthand of untouchable coolness. I also really respect that you never soften him in a cheap bid for audience sympathy. His early interactions with Korleone feel layered and moving and most importantly true. The way you fold symbolism into the narrative is also very impressive. I felt the weight of philosophy bearing down on Isaac even in the most quotidian scenes. Coach Jackson and the rest of the Demons add to the fun with simple but strong characterizations, and the script is full of great one-liners.

That's not to say I think the script is flawless, but I hope you'll take my critiques simply as friendly suggestions to be used or discarded exactly as you see fit. I think you have a very good script here but with a bit of work you could have a great one.

The main issue, as I see it, is with your story structure. The second act feels like a jumble of set-ups with no major payoff. The narrative simply feels unfocused once it leaves Chicago. While those early scenes are vibrant and dramatic, with an almost hypnotic rhythm at times, the movie sort of hits a reset button once we get to Nevada and loses its momentum. The rising action is eventually re-directed into a brother against brother conflict over Korleone's gambling activities, but this feels somewhat petty and underdeveloped compared to the psychic torment and physical violence that threatened Isaac at every turn in his hometown.

We need to see the stakes continually rise, and the only way I can see that happening is through a more intense and personal fall-out between Isaac and Korleone. Rather than force them apart with a mobster plot device, perhaps try a love triangle or even just a disagreement over how to play the game. Maybe Isaac develops into a more generous and defensive player while Korleone is the epitome of the selfish showboater. Either way, I think their falling out should stem from their own choices, not an outside influence. The final game should resolve their conflict, not create a new one between Isaac and the never before seen or mentioned Malik. I think that would give you a bit more of the downer ending feel you were going for. As is, the last game seems more like a second act turn to set up a climax that never happens, and we jump past all the good stuff right to a truncated 'where are they now' montage. I would say above all, focus on your pacing and rising action -- make sure the story is always pushing toward a climax that is directly relevant to the inner struggles of your protagonist.

These issues aside, I think you have a fantastic piece of work here and I congratulate you on it. Your passion for the subject matter and these characters is apparent on every page, and it made Ball a genuine pleasure to read. Bravo.