James McAllen (Brooklyn)

Terrify me is an interesting story with a great lead character, but in it's present for is not a complete screenplay.

Val (a gay, cross-dressing softball playing MMA fighter) is a terrific character. Very likeable. Easy to root for. His roommate and (for lack of a better term) love interest, Alyssa is also a good character. Some of the other supporting characters are flat and serve no real purpose.

The story itself is slow and takes too long to develop,. Nothing scary happens until page 80. By then, we're bored, or unsure where the story is going. If it weren't for the title, I'd have no idea that danger is coming.

The drinking scene with Kovaks is too long and serves no real purpose. Same as the birthday party. That whole scene could be edited down to two pages.


We never really find out why the hater is out to get Val. There is no real set up and no real reason for his hatred.

The climax has no real stakes at that point. I don't want to give away too much, but an intruder that shows up without his own weapon? That doesn't make any sense. And then he finds a Swiss army knife?

You have some decent forshadowing with the laptop, and the baseball playing, but it seems a little too neat at times.

As for the screenplay itself, there are a few spelling an punctuation errors that get annoying. (You're for your. New for Knew.) And some of the scene descriptions are too long and confusing. Also, don't direct the camera. Let the director do that. Just tell the story.

It's a good start, but it needs a lot of work. Good luck.

I don't really know where to start. This script is bad on so many levels, that it's hard to believe that it was optioned.

the concept is mildly interesting, but it's clearly written by an amateur. The characters are flat and unlikable and the dialogue is inane and boring. People simply don't speak like this.
This is a movie. Story need to be revealed in action, not in speeches.
Lane's speech about what happened to Burke's father was particularly bad.

The posion Ivy scene was just silly. It had no reason to be in the script. I thought it might be a set-up for something later, but it died on the vine.( Pun intended)
The sink scene was ridiculous, as was the severing of the red wire with a long range bullet. It was even worse when it was used a SECOND time later in the story. Come up with a better gag.

The knife in the butt cheeks was painfully bad. Is the audience expected to buy into this?
The entire scene in the pool was painful to read.

After that, the rest of the script just went downhill. The SUV scene was just silly. Exactly how did Burke get the Surenos trapped on the SUV?

The rest of the script just fell apart for me. The sewer angle? Nonsense. The surfing scene at the end? Ridiculous.

The excessive use of parentheticals was particularly annoying. The incessant (Re:) comments were both unnecessary and incorrectly used.

This script needs a page one re-write.

best of luck going forward.

I love the concept. The idea of any package, nevermind a Monster, showing up 20 years later, is a great start, however in this present form, it doesnt work for me.

First of all, there is not a lot at stake here. Joel has the woman of his dreams, a beautiful child, he's got a great job, great house, etc. His relationship with his family isn't so much different from any working person, so why should I care at this point. If would have been far more interesting if he never got Charlie to love him, and he used the monster's arrival as a way to win her back.

The potty humor didn't do anything for me at all. It only confused me as to who the audience was. Is this for kids? Adults? The lines were blurred here.

The idea that the Monster was somehow super-human seemed far-fetched and unnecessary. I think a man-child who doesnt know his own strength would be more interesting and plausible.

What exactly was the point of going back to the monster-maker, if he doesnt do anything to help Joel along?

The ending seemed forced and cheap. Joel just escapes with the monster and they live happily ever after? Dont' the neighbors complain? Does he live in the basement?

The script has some merit as a concept, but in it's present for, carries no appeal for me. Good luck with the re-writes.

Gift Card is an interesting premise. It touches on a few different elements that make it a pleasurable read, but it the end it falls a little bit flat.

I like the idea of an anonymous gift card changing the life of a struggling couple, but there are several holes in the script.

The Lester character is just not believable. He's a bank manager who quickly turns into a thief and kidnapper?

Some of the dialogue is flat and simplistic. At times the Owen - Shelley relationship seems forced.

The ending falls flat on two different levels. The creation of the website is a nice idea, but the introduction of a virus as a marketing tool is just too far out. Even though they weren't responsible for the glitch, the FBI would simply shut them down for good. No way do they stay in business. It's too big a stretch. Am I to believe that Owen wouldn't realize who was behind the Coolzee banner?

Lastly, who is Karl and what is the card? You left that too wide open and It left me wanting in the end. There needs to be some resolution.

Congrats on getting onto the notable projects list and good luck with the script going forward.

The idea of a gang of criminals getting trapped in LA during the King Riots is a great start, but the script needs a fair amount of work.

First of all, there are a ton of typos and mistakes in the script. Have someone proof read your work.

Also, the dialogue is too direct and on the nose. Some of these characters seem like they are speaking their thoughts, rather than talking.

Flashbacks are a cheap story telling device. The next to last scene is just silly. We already know that Arron took the fall for Dillon, there is no reason for the flashback.

Lastly, the sluglines are a little confusing.
Rather than stating INT- Upscale Beach house.
use INT - Arron's house, and then describe it.

Arron is a great character and a terrific villain, but I was confused as to his role in the script. Is he the protag or is it Shaw? I found myself rooting for Arron at times. You give plenty of backstory for Arron and none for Shaw.

Shaw's role in the story is unfocused. Is he a front line cop? I dont buy that he's working narcotics and doing his own investigations on the side. Is he a detective? There is a clear protocol in the police hierarchy, and Shaw seems to be outside of it.
Also, during the riots, I'm fairly certain that all criminal investigations were put on the back burner. the ATF might continue to look for Dillon, but Shaw would have been recalled to headquarters. If they did continue to hunt Arron, I doubt that Shaw would be the one to walk up and make the arrest.

Dillon's death is totally not believable. A shotgun is not a high powered rifle. It's not going to pierce a bulletproof vest. If a pellet did manage to find the seam, he's not going to die instantly. It takes a while for people that are gutshot to die. You need to re-think your options here.

Finally, the ending was cheap and unrealistic. Are we expected to believe that while the entire world is falling apart, Arron decides to go surfing? Is he that disconnected from reality? And what exactly gives Shaw and the LAPD the idea that he would be surfing at that point in time? I seriously doubt that the LAPD would re-direct resources during the riots, and if someone was going to arrest Arron at that point, it would not be the LAPD.

It's a good idea, but it needs some work. Good luck.

Finally, a great script on AS.
I truly love this concept. Great Idea. Excellent characters. Good Dialogue. An Excellent read.

My only complaint/suggestion is that there is not enough threat to Blue. She's always surrounded by FBI, so the tension isn't as great as it could be. Raise the stakes.
What if she gets separated from her handlers and is forced to be on her own.
What if she is "buried" and can't understand why she is being chased?

I did have questions as to why so many people are able to escape from the FBI? Do Screamers posses abilities that weren't evident in the script.

I love the concept and would love to see this up on the screen, but the script as such would be a disappointment. There is just not enough action/tension in the 2nd act. Otherwise, it's terrific. Best script on AS, so far.

I look forward to seeing what updates you can come up with.