Anthony Lee panama city,florida

Okay, Bryan, are you ready for the smackdown? Lol. Okay, here we go. Once upon a time not long ago there was a little boy that wouldn't say no. Well.....I'm sure you know where that line comes from. I read the script about halfway through before I stopped so here is the notes I have for you that you can apply throughout. The idea is great! The concept....extra-oridinary, and I was going to ask you to join us...but there are some things that need to be adressed --

First off -- you have a ton of mistakes, run-on sentences - grammer - misspelled words, etc. And I mean alot! In the dialogue you give out characters full names, it's okay once first introducing them - then just use the first name unless you have two of each character, which you don't. And the character ages? How old are they? We have no idea -- and what do they look like? Because you don't describe.

The biker gang -- you don't decsribe them also. It's like they appeared and now the leader is talking or is he the leader? Look at my script or any one of the top dogs here like lisa S., Scott M., or Lauri. The ones that have been here for a while and check out the format. It would help alot.

Don't get me wrong, you have the format down to some degree but needs touching up. Also, the camera angles -- I would lose them unless you're making the film yourself. Producers don't like it when you do that, think you're trying to tell them what to do. We just need the location, day or night and what's going on. Say for instance, like at the begining of the script. Here's an example of how i would word it.

INT: LABOROTORY - DAY

is crowded with scientist wearing white lab overcoats move thru the many computers in half-stacks covering both sides of the room.

SUPER " Nevada, 2045 "

In the middle of the room sits an acient box, it's the ark of the covanant.

Now you need to describe victor --

Victor 30's; with blonde hair steps up to the podium.

VICTOR
Blah, blah, blah, blah!

Well you get the idea. This pretty much goes for all of your main characters and other characters with speaking parts. They need to be introduced to the audience so we will know who they are and what position they play in the overall story. There are other mistakes but too many to list here. Go over your script with a fine tooth comb or have someone else do it. You really owe it to yourself. The easy part is over - polishing, plot-holes, and cleanup are the hard part, if you ask me.

Ask why? Because if something doesn't sit right with you in the script, it's not gonna sit right with the reader, so if you feel something needs to change, change it while you're there -- meaning the above metioned or you'll have to go back and change a scene that connects to another scene on down the line -- then another -- and another. Well you get it.

I really was interested in reading this entire script but the mistakes were overwhelming and I had to stop. You have a very unique idea, just needs some work. When you do the rewrite, drop me a line so I can take a look. I'm sure with all the notes you're receiving, you should be able to hone a fine second draft.

Good luck!