Jane M (London)

The author has created 7+ fake accounts (on dec 23/24/25 etc) and awarded himself 5 star reviews.

If you actually read the script, it's not very good at all.

The author has also somehow managed to hack Premise Wars, winning 95%+ of his battles - with a weak (and actually not totally relevant o the actual script) logline.

If the author had done his research he would have realized AS stopped reading user reviews due to corruption (such as like what he has attempted here)! AS now disregard all user reviews and solely base their contest picks on their own internal reviews.

Since his script is very average, his chances of placement here are zero.

Personally I think the author should be banned.

An interesting and twisting story that kept my attention well. Lots of time and work has gone into this screenplay.

The biggest issue with this screenplay is that the writer uses a lot of passive voice which is a common problem with most Amazon scripts. Switch to active voice and your screenplay will be a much more enjoyable read. Hollywood production-level screenplays always use active voice.

That will require a line by line rewrite to scene descriptions and actions. The dialogue, story line and structure can stay the same.

For an explanation of passive vs active voice see:

http://www.screenwritinggoldmine.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2490

http://www.scriptnurse.com/wcms/index.php?aid=58

Minor issue... A few lines contain, in my mind, immature wording, such as:

MYSKO ISMICH (50s). Absolutely fit.

UPDATE: I just realized newer drafts are available! Sorry I did not realize that before... Anyway, you will probably still find the above helpful and applicable to your new draft.

This script has LOTS of potential but the author needs to use a more screenwriter as opposed to novel writer approach. He needs to cut lots of redundant info from his scene descriptions. They blow the script to 149 pages. The industry recommended size for spec screenplays is 105 to 110 pages.

The long-winded descriptions detract from the story which is a shame. If the detail doesn't help with the story then exclude it.

There's a great adventure in here, just cut down on all the super-detailed descriptions.

This is a fun and very well written script.

The story weaves really well. The characters are interesting and exciting. The dialogue is punchy, never tiring. The writing is tight and crisp.

Highly recommended!