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No longer giving reviews on Amazon Studios. Sorry folks.
Keep on practicing your art, whatever it may be, regardless of what people think. Reviews and opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one.

Be well.
 
 
 
 

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Reviews Banana Has Written

DON'T SAY ANYTHING, Terry's 4th Draft

6 out of 7 people found the following review helpful:

Don't tell anyone but this is a great script!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 20, 2010
This is a great script. I'm surprised someone hasn't produced this yet. Its pretty close to being finished. There's development people out there/production companies that would fawn over this.

Great work on Characters, Dialogue and Emotion. The script flows and it read like a movie, I actually can envision the movie as I was reading this. The movie, "Scream", kept popping into my brain as I was reading this.

Great work on showing new ways to kill people. And nice work on developing the mystery. I actually figured out the killer halfway through the script but I won't spoil it for everyone.

My only problems is very fixable...but its more aesthetic choices than problems. All the flashbacks in the end...I think can be shortened - its the flashbacks of how the killer pulled it off. Also the last flashback seems more like you're setting up the second movie. While that's great and all but it cheapens your film; a little.

Congrats on a great piece of writing.
 

Broken Vessels, TMAC 's Original Draft

9 out of 9 people found the following review helpful:

Brilliant story but too smart for its audience

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 14, 2010
Brilliant story executed with the wrong audience in mind. 1% of the population will love this script. The rest of the 99% will enjoy it but don't know why. The story is a great premise, a man cannot die but his body does. How he manages to survival over the centuries is a tale you unfold before us.

The execution is the tricky part because how do you tell this tale without giving away your hand. If I had to guess, we the reader is the young man. Stay on that POV, but realize that a lot of your content will go over our heads. The Young man is in his twenties, college educated and comes from a middle class background? The old man needs to tailor his stories for this person. References of Hamlet and Descartes will lose most of your audience/young man. The way you write it now, the young man understands everything but that's not true to the audience/Young Man. You understand everything but we don't. Betray the audience and you lose the audience.

I know there's a draft where you introduce the young and old man. Since this is a story told from the Young Man's POV, we need to meet the Old man right from the beginning. That way we can get our footing and experience this tale from start to finish. It'll resonate more in the end. Because right now, there's confusion of what's going on? Who are these guys? Is the old man telling the truth. If you drop us right in the Young Man's shoes before the door opens...we can experience this ride together. The mindF*&K the old man's going to put on audience/Young man will be plenty for us to digest.

There's also a few scenes where you show the scene and a second later return back to the scene with your two lead characters to explain what happened. This slows down the flow of the story. Can you pull this off without going back to the scene?

Structure - Sometime after the midpoint, around page 75 to 85, you lose a bit of steam. This is always a tricky part of the structure. There's a little too much exposition here. I think this is where we leave the Inuit/Norse story.

Character - Your characters are all full and complete. The minor characters shine in their moments. I would make the Young man a little less literary than the old man. Give the young man more modern qualities, so much so that the two leads are direct opposites of each other.

Dialogue - At times, I was confused as to who was saying what? Some of the dialogue between the two main characters were too similar. Have you thought about giving the old man an accent? Maybe he speaks in Old English? Out of all the years he's lived, there has to be a tongue that he loves to speak in.

Emotion - Half of the time, I was in a state of WTF is going on? The other times, i didn't know who to root for? You don't give us a side to love or hate...until the end but that's really a punch in a the face ending

You can write really, really well. The execution is almost complete. The script needs to, for lack of a better word- dumb down its references a bit. Also needs to fully commit to telling the story from the Young Man's POV.

Great work. Impressive, almost there.
 

Inferno, J's Original Draft

3 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Better on the screen.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 12, 2010
Movies are meant to be watched and felt. To read a screenplay and see the same vision that the writer wants you to see, you have to be in the same room as he's creating the work.

This is how I felt as I was reading this script. I've never read Dante's "Inferno", to be honest, I pretty much read the Wikipedia version. How close is this script to Dante's version of hell? Is that important? Should this script be judged as a standalone work free from Dante's version? I'm not literary enough or well-read enough to pass that judgment.

What I can tell you is there's some disturbing images and scenes in this script that will stick with you for days, weeks. In a movie theater, you can't turn away from the page. The sights and sounds surround you and force you to experience "Hell". This script is more of an experience. Its not a story filled with twists and turns. Dante's going through hell and he's wrestling with emotional and physical "demons".

The first time I read this script, it didn't work for me. I was trying to rationale it with story beats and structure and character development. The set-up and Dante's obstacles wasn't working for me. As I let the story sink in, I realized, reading the script in the comfort of my bed didn't put me in the story. Horror movies are to be experienced in a theater with surround sound and visuals. This story will scare the crap out of you. If they can film everything that's on the page, you will sleep with the light on. That doesn't make you less of a person, its that scary.

Good work and thanks for the nightmares.
 

Honey Mane, GEORGE's Original Draft

4 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

4.5 stars, Great piece of work.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 11, 2010
Your Mojo never left, it just went to the Safari and came back with a whopper of a story.

This is a very tight, very solid piece of writing. This is what professional work looks like. Something I'm striving to achieve.

I love that even the small characters have their own story and you came back to them time and time again. Nothing is wasted in this script. I noticed the "Fugitive" reference but I'm curious to see if anyone notices "The Usual Suspects" reference.

This reads like a homage to the buddy-cop movies of the 80s and 90s and turns them into lovable animals. Another great quality of the script is your take on the different animal characteristic and using them to enhance the characters.

SPOILER!!!

I do have two gripes. 1 - Using Carla to get Honey to the apartment. Reads a little too easy, especially if Honey's suppose to be this great Detective. Maybe have her figure out something is afoul and she tries to sneak up on them but Broody has a back-up plan and gets her anyway?

2. My guy instinct tells me the story needs another heist by Broody and his gang. The middle of Act 2 drags a little, starting with Carla calling Honey. Maybe Honey could be following up a lead and runs into Broody and the gang robbing a bank. That way, he's forced to take Honey and dispose of her. All the heist and cop movies I've seen, there seems to be three heists; the beginning of the story, the middle (cops still can't get them and the gang getting cocky), and the last heist to end all heist. The middle heist would make Broody and the gang more active. They seem to disappear after the first heist.

Is Danny a play on Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 3? I was looking for some dialogue from Danny going, "Okay Okay Okay".

What do you think about "GRIZZLY AND MANE" as the title? The story's really about Bob and Honey learning to work together. Has a nice ring to it.

Enjoyed the read, good luck and looking forward to seeing this on the screen.
 

American Triad, Ryu's Original Draft

5 out of 5 people found the following review helpful:

Infernal Affairs through the lens of Johnny To

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
December 07, 2010
You have storytelling talents, but its raw. Here's why.

Reading your work felt like reading a graphic novel and the reader was always held from hearing the juicy good conversations.

Premise: This story's been done before by "Inferno Affairs", John Woo movies and Johnny To movies. American Triad needs something to set it apart from the other. You need to be different...either with a twist, angle or something. I like Aaron's story and the obstacles that get in his way. This script needs your voice. Your take on this premise will be what sets it apart from everything else.

Story Structure: The story folds with a clear beginning, middle and end but there's too many scenes that didn't reinforce the main story. Example - page 1 to 11 can be written in one to two pages. Basically its Julie struggling and going to work and eventually sleeping with Billy. Aaron getting beat up, takes classes and his confident starts to grow. All of those setups can be done in one scene...Julie working at the shop (she's fighting off bill collectors), Aaron comes home from school all beat up and meets Billy; who offers her a job.

Character: I like your characters. I can relate to your characters. I'm not sure if others will. I was born in China and lived in Hong Kong for a few years. These are my people. But someone that's in LA, Caucasian...will they get it? There's lots of scenes where a character's going from one place to another. We don't get to go inside the mind of the character. Now that's not really possible to write on the page but you can show us through their actions...through their interactions with other characters.

Also, Aaron's internal conflict involves his relationship with Catherine and his mother. He has two external conflict in Paul and Billy. I don't think the story needs two external conflict. Take one away and focus on one...that would strengthen up the story.

Example - Aaron and Catherine date, break up, get back together and break up again all in 3 to 4 pages. They never have a deep conversation about why they broke up...instead we see Aaron running away. Even at the end, when Aaron screams, "Why should I leave"? Catherine saids, "I don't know". Show us. Tell us. The audience deserves to know why. We've invested all this time following them. Aaron deserves to know, otherwise...why should he stay with Catherine. I felt like Aaron and Catherine were two people that I saw on the streets. I never got to know them. Let your characters fight for their lives. Let them fight for what they want.

Dialogue: The story needs more meaty dialogue. A lot of the conflict ends in quick resolution of one to two sentences. You can say Asians are very short on words and big on action but that's too vague for an American audience. Actors love monologues where they can show off their range. Give them a couple of meaty, intense monologues to excite them.

Example - Aaron and Julie talks while he's in jail. They each say one sentence and that's it. This is an important scene. She's sick and can't work, so Aaron forgets about Stanford and works for Billy instead. Which sets in motion the rest of his life. We need Julie crying her eyes out. Aaron's facing four years in jail...all he has to say to his mother, who he probably will never see again, "I see you in four years". That's not enough. Give us more. If the characters show us more...that's when we invest in their lives emotionally. That's when we care about the characters.

Emotion: Your characters go through some challenging times and we see the tail end of most of it. I wasn't invested in the characters because I didn't get to see their emotional struggles. The characters seemed to hide everything from each other and with that...from the audience.

I think you take this version of the script and use it was a template for the next re-write. Strip away all unnecessary scenes. Beef up dialogue between the major characters. Give Billy more to do. He should be the main bad guy. Paul's side story with Aaron and Catherine takes away the thrust of the story.

Now if you decide to keep Paul and Billy's story...you can shift the focus from one to the other, back and forth...but one of them needs to take center stage and be the main antagonist. Right now, you seem to give them both equal screen time.

I don't know how far along you are in your writing career...but I think you have lots of potential. As you progress in your writing career, you'll develop more of a voice and your characters will develop more layers.

Hope this helps and looking forward to seeing your work progress. Good work.
 

Eyes of Darkness, Paul's Original Draft

10 out of 11 people found the following review helpful:

Seven meets Exorcist and along the way, runs into the Usual Suspects.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 04, 2010
Premise - Great premise. Its like Seven meets Exorcist and along the way, runs into the Usual Suspects.

Story Structure - Pretty solid, I think its missing one beat...I can't put my finger on it. I feel like something is off. Now it could be that I'm a little shaken by the horrific images you put in my head. Its almost there. I think we need one more clue to set up the ending.

Character - The cops need to play against type or turn them into FBI. The script is already down and the subject matter is already dark, so the characters' dialogue and action don't really add to it, as they're stating the obvious. They work in that environment all the time, if they are "woe is me", "life sucks", they would all commit suicide by the tenth page. Maybe if you have them be matter of fact with everything, it'll be more realistic. I'm around cops a lot and they're pretty de-sensitized to all the crap around them.

Dialogue - This could use a big re-write. Lots of "on the nail" dialogue and as I was reading it, it felt like you were re-capping a lot of what just happened. Similar to watching reality TV, where after a commercial break, they recap what just happened before the break. You do this with the characters using complete sentences and repeating what the other just said. Maybe the characters need to be flushed out a little more. The only character that was true or sounded true was Sarah/Demon. Now, I don't have first hand experience dealing with demons, luckily, but she just says what's on her/it's mind all the time. Your other characters can use that. Have you had this script read out loud by professional actors at a table read? That would really help your work.

Emotion - Disturbing work.

Overall - I would like a set-up of how/why demons possess bodies and how exorcists work. I'm not a fan of horror, so a little set-up would clear up a lot of why certain things were happening.

Also, Father Garrett was the main suspect at one point...they dropped that storyline pretty quickly. Maybe they should stay on that a little longer. Maybe a scene to show that they dismiss him.

I think the FBI would be bought in pretty quickly if this was a serial killer of kids. It felt like the cops were incompetent. That's how I felt as I was reading it.

Your action lines can be tightened a little bit more. Its easy to say but hard to do. Show us what we're seeing and only write that. Everything else is slowing the story down.

Great work. I think this is one draft away from a shooting script.
 

Favorite Movies

Forrest Gump
Braveheart
Adaptation
Its a wonderful life
The Princess Bride
Glory
Unforgiven
Shawshank Redemption
Amelie
True Romance
12 Monkeys
Fight Club
Seven
Immortal Beloved
and many more...
 

Influences

J.D. Salinger and Beethoven.
 

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