Lauren Danforth (Hoodsport)

"4" a wild multi level rush to save four cities and change the world, a potent, visual tail of intrigue and action that will impact the movie screen.

The two main character's desperation, conflicts and the love affair is excellent. I would have like to seen a little more build up on who they were and how they got to this point especially Bridget (I am a Helicopter pilot). At first I thought she was the young girl at the start of the story now not so sure?

The use of small, (very small) hints on how the mines location where found was good but should be a little more obvious, just a thought.

The original description of the mines detonation device gave definitive reasons how it would explode and you stayed with this theme until the Milkie and helicopter ride. That action scene was the best of all of them but on the barge he raised the mine up and boom then you give over 60 Sec. Ya, Ya, picky, picky but uniformity is important. Just don't change the last one, do something with the barge explosion.

This draft flows smoother than any of the others and was a very enjoyable read. Not familiar with British slang had to look up some things but that was OK.

Have sent Jim notes on spelling error and such but not bad.

This will make a very good movie and am glad to say the story carries the action versus what you see in most of today's scripts thank you good job.

Excellent story, loved the characters would make a very interesting visual movie.

Just a few thoughts the subtext "side effects" should have been used more. TINKER my favorite character should have fumbled into using it, and SARAH surprised by finding she had it too. You could have fun with it without giving it away as soon as you did.

The use of over used clichés was a bit much for me and I believe you should and could make your own one-liners in this script. They worked but would rather hear your words.

The center of the story slows a bit and the Last battle scene goes on and on sometimes you need to give the audience a chance to breath.

I don't go into format, grammar and spelling unless it is really bad and there is very little wrong with this one.

Most people will tell you to get remove the camera directions let the director to do that.

Below are some of the problems I had with format and spelling.

pg 20, pg 22,pg 43.pg44.pg46,pg48 plus a few more
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Normally I have seen this as "CONTINUOUS"

PG 30
INT. HOUSE - TIME
Never saw this before?

pg 84
firehouses
I believe this should be "fire hoses"

pg 86
She nods as he reaches for one of it.
Don't understand this one?

Well first I will have to say that I am not in the age bracket this movie would interest "Old Fart." Saying this formatting, and all that stuff that most people hit real hard is good. The actual story Line is good and though it is a comedy for the people it is meant for, looking at the world today it could be true Life sadly enough for my generation. There are numerous places that even I got chuckles out of. Some of the cliché's were a bit much for me as the use of very foul language, "Yes it is common use on the streets but I don't believe it should be on the screen at this level.
Very good job with George loved him.
Again a lot of people, a lot younger than myself would probably enjoy it and to be honest I did enjoy it. Would I pay to go see it NO, would a younger audience probably.

To start this review I will say that Leonardo's 5th Draft is an amazing fantisy tale of a wonderful and amazing world. Many (capitalize) many characters and fabulous battle scenes.
Now this has been the hardest review I have had to write. I spent the first three hours making note's of page after page of miss used words, missing words, gramatiacal errors and after fifty pages I stopped. I panned down to see I had 120 some pages of this and quit. I even had a E-mail written to Lenardo saying I would not waste my time finishing it. Then by some chance I was reading an E-mail from a friend from Ecuador and noticed the same missed words and gramatical errors. I had spent 5 years with him as my co-pilot and survived many emergancies having to interpit his english, in fact English is his third language. I thought about this and not knowing if English is or is not Leonardo's first language I completed the read of his script with this in mind. egnoring my English training and just read what he was trying to say.
Leonardo has a very vivide idea of his world and charaters His flowerful discriptive scenes leave noting out of what he sees. His charactures are brought to life in great visual detail. The fight scenes are blow by blow. This said if you would take the script format away it would be a book.
First find someone that has a firm knowldge and use of the English language and have them fix the errors that alone would cut about five pages out of the script.
Second pick a few three or four characters and build them, let us get to know them through their interactions and travels through your story. The other charactres are and can be suport but need not be explained in great detail.
This can be a very intreging movie, there is much work to be done.

A very timely tale looking at the world around us. Henna and her general a villain pair. The goal steal another Earth rather than fix the one you are on. Her twin sister fights against her.
The story line is there and could be a good one.
problems with this story
#1 We look around and most realize we are killing this planet but in your world both are dying of the same problem one just a little earlier.
#2 Henna and her sister seem the same to me.
#3 The action scenes do not work for me, of all the scenes the elevator fight is the only realistic one. The others are like when in "Indiana Jones", he had the flue and just pulled out his gun fired and walked off. Sam should have to work at getting away in most cases.
JUST A THOUGHT;
Reverse the worlds make our scientists find this new utopian parallel world but make it really good, to give something to fight for. Have Henna and her sister be twins but start on opposite worlds show the difference. Our world is the villain but with your ending that still works.
The story is one to tell but I do not believe it was told like it could be.
There is nothing to say about the formatting, structure or grammar that is excellent as usual below is just something that raise an eye brow, believe there is a missing word?
pg 52 ?
SAM
Look, I've got get back home right
now ... you know, just to sort things
out. I'll be back. We'll see each