Veronica Restrepo (Wiesbaden, Germany)

I read through page 20 of this screenplay and decided to stop reading, not because I wasn't interested in finding out what happens next, but because the screenplay needs a lot of work.

I personally felt like the screenplay got interesting when Micki is at the confessionary booth and she asks Father David what drives a man to chose to be alone. This was very good and creates a question in the reader's mind as to what kind of relationship do these two characters want to have. I felt like this should have happened before page ten instead of near page 20.

One of the biggest issues with this story is that it tries to be too suspenseful. It releases information just a little bit a at time, but not in a good way. The story seems to hold back its secrets with way too much dialogue and way too many characters that don't seem to move the story forward. That needs to be addressed.

I also noticed that the prose had too many issues with verb and subject agreements. For example in page 19, it says "sit and picks up", when it should be sits and picks up. And there were also many issues with verb conjugations. It gave me the impression it was written by non-native English speaker and that also needs to be addressed.

In a way, I feel that if the story is tightened up, it would lose about half its length, which would me it a long short film screenplay at about 30 pages. I believe that making it a short would make it a much more marketable story for short film producers, rather than trying to stretch a short story to become a full feature film.

I hope I'm not coming across as too negative. This story offers a fair premise that deserves to be told. I hope my review helps.

I never imagined God and Satan being such good pals. The story puts a twist to how we imagine their relationship to be.

I liked the characters, especially the way the angels reacted to God as if he were, you know? God? : )

It was funny and I enjoyed it, but in a way, I wanted to see more conflict. For some reason I was left wanting to see what happens on Earth when Satan retires. What if humans were so tired of being happy, they were miserable?

What if humans begged Satan to come back?

I don't know. It was good, but something's missing.

I enjoyed reading this story. Once you start reading it, you have to keep reading to see where it's going. The Queen's English didn't cause any problems for me, but then, I guess I've been exposed to it enough not to notice it anymore.

I gave four stars to the premise because a dying man falling in-love raised my curiosity. It got me reading and kept me reading. Good job.

The story structure was good. It followed a chronological order that was easy to read.

The characters were all very good. They all had good voices of their own and that made it very easy to follow the story. The only thing I picked up (and perhaps this is my American English not getting "it") is that Fiona sounded like a woman who was much older than 29. Granted, she's an adult, but for some reason I kept imagining her to be around Peter's age. Just an impression.

The dialogue was excellent, very entertaining. And the emotion is what really kept me reading. It moved me in parts, and made me smile a lot. Very well done.

The screenplay itself needs to be cleaned up a little. There were a few spelling mistakes, and the format was out of whack in many places, but it never distracted too much from the story.

For some reason I kept imagining this screenplay being produced like the movie WAITRESS Starring Keri Russell. It's not a big screen blockbuster, but a very good DVD that would get lots of word of mouth recommendations (if done well).

Well done. Congratulations.

Having started writing screenplays just a year ago, I know what it’s like to start one’s first project. There’s much excitement, but a lot of learning to go through. I’m glad the author uploaded the screenplay for community feedback and I’m glad to help with what I’ve learned so far.

I hope my notes help in the creation of a new version.

**My notes follow:**

I enjoyed the scene when Ella and Jacob are naming swans. It was funny.

The interaction between the wild animals around the lake is good, but there wasn’t enough of it. I would have enjoyed it if the author focused more on the animals, and less on the humans.

I like the setting, the country side with and the Amish community near by.

Homer being anti social was nice, but his willingness to become a friend with Sigmond happened too fast, and then he disappeared from the story. I felt Homer could have been used to more create a conflict and therefore, show kids how conflict can be overcome in the end.

Sigmond doesn’t like the geese page 28. This is another instant where the author missed an opportunity to teach the little ones about learning how to get along with others.

Simone wonders what it would be like to fly away like the geese, but Sigmond is too happy in his lake home. Once again, a nice opportunity for the author to show kids how couples can come to a compromise to be happy together, but the opportunity was missed.

Instead of compromise, Simone leaves Sigmond and never comes back? And Sigmond never goes looking for her? Not what I would expect from a couple that is in-love.

Page 34: Coyotes coming to the lake in the winter. This is the only instant where I saw an active participation from the characters to do something about their safety. They decided to take shelter under the dock.

Page 37: Sigmond flies over hill only when under threat of becoming a coyote’s next meal.

Other than Simone taking the action to fly over the hill, the animal characters are not very proactive. They only react to their surroundings.

I never really understood why there’s so much focus on Ella, Jacob, Rebecca and Matthew.

And finally, the story didn’t really start for me until page seven at this point:

EXT. COTTAGE - AFTERNOON

A small compact delivery truck pulls in front of the cottage.
The sign on the side of it says “Animals Only”.

If the previous scenes are removed, nothing gets lost in my mind.

Overall, I think the author has a good imagination with a cute story to tell for children. The writing is clear and easy to read. All the author needs is to learn how to structure a story correctly, create a conflict and have the characters become actively involved in finding a solution to their problems. Very good books about writing for animation can be found at bookstores and I highly recommend the author starts there.

I’m willing to help in with feedback in future rewrites. I hope my notes help. Keep on writing!