Bob Greiner Annandale, VA

Descriptive passages should never include things you can't see in the moment. They should only say what you're actually seeing on screen right this second. You need to eliminate things like "Electron specializes in supercomputers and electronics." Instead show us a moment that illustrates this.

Another example: Don't say a character is "never without a cigar." Instead, show him in the toilet with a cigar, or whatever. Show how it irritates everyone. Create conflict.

Characters should never just say things that we can see, like "The engine's blowing smoke!" Minimize and economize the dialogue.

You've made MIPS have a human personality ... but of course, it's differences in personality that make characters interesting in how they interact, not similarities. You have a chance to create dramatic tension by having a character with an extreme, non-human personality -- don't throw it away, use it. More HAL, less Twikki.

Houston has people monitoring everything that astronauts are doing every second of every day. They don't need to be told about weird instrument readings. I think you need to do more research on the space program.

Even sketchy evidence of an alien spacecraft -- seeing something big moving behind the moon - would be create a massive freakout among the observers. Everyone working in the space program has been waiting for this all their lives ... it isn't just a "call the president" moment. You need to get more inside the heads of your characters, create stronger emotions and reactions, build scenes with depth.

No astronaut will admit he couldn't "get back in the saddle." Jack should be an adrenaline junkie, outwardly denying any kind of fear. Let the psychological damage lurk under the surface.

There are maybe aliens behind the moon and what they care about is the new computer? I think you need to revisit the way the plot unfolds ... The alien threat either needs to be much more subtly and slowly revealed, which allows other concerns to guide the characters' actions until it's too late to have many options ... or they need to react more realistically to the situation that's presented.

I think if you focus your second draft on shortening, economizing, taking a second pass at the dialogue and making it less "on the nose," and focusing more on characterization, you can take your intriguing concept a big step forward. Good luck!

Oddly, this reminds me of a foreign supernatural movie. Its cosmology does not jibe with standard or even non-standard forms of American Christian spiritualism. Instead, it feels like the hodgepodge syncretism of some modern Japanese or Korean stories, or the anything-goes counter-Catholic wackiness that you see in Europe.

Don't know if that helps, but if you were trying to sell this I'd suggest going outside the U.S. market first. Or maybe Lions Gate.

As far as its qualities, it is very solid. It builds well and is probably coy enough with the "big reveal" to string along your average moviegoer. Of course, I saw most of it coming, but what the story is really about is not the supernatural concepts, but Thomas's decision, so this is not a problem.

What might move it from 4 stars to 5 would be somehow entwining the decision Thomas has to make with his own inherent needs. Bucking the system and creating something original is what Lucy needs, not Thomas. Thomas needs redemption, and he essentially rejects an opportunity to get it to fulfill what he sees as a higher "good." Can these goals be combined more completely in Thomas, instead of having a "devil on one shoulder, angel on the other" situation? That would clarify the theme and bring more unity to the entire story.

Bottom line, if I saw this in the theater I would walk out saying, "That was excellent. I had no problems with that."

When I watch a movie I either think about the story structure while I'm watching it, or I get so lost in the fun that I don't notice the structure. "I had no problems with that" is for when I get lost.

Is it perfect? No, but it's professional quality. I feel like I just watched the movie, and I actually laughed a few times -- and it's not easy to get me to laugh at something written down.

Your premise is possibly a hard sell ... it's so specific that it could have a relatively short shelf life. You might want to rethink the title so that a potential buyer can imagine the non-licensed version of the poster.

I was going to give the structure three stars because it felt just the slightest bit flat, by which I mean there is not a crescendo of tension leading up to the climax, it's more of a gradual increase in volume. On the other hand, everything is very tightly woven -- setups and payoffs are very well-done. The ups and downs are comfortably paced. It would be hard for a director to mess with this script.

The characters are also very well-drawn, illustrating different thematic aspects as well as having inherently funny and dramatic qualities. I would agree slightly, though, with Jonathan Poland about the D'Mario character representing a stereotype. Making him quote Shakespeare is a fairly gratuitous attempt to break stereotype ... if feels grafted on, since it doesn't really have anything to do with the way he is. You might want to consider switching the races of two of the characters, such as Jeff and D'Mario. Or find a way to make the Shakespeare quoting a more integral part of the character and of the story as a whole.

Dialogue: In a word, excellent. You have a very sharp ear.

Emotion: For this style of comedy, you have perhaps fallen slightly short of Apatow-level emotional power, but you've got enough punch to support the laughs and make the good moments earned ones.