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POSTED 1.22.11: TO THOSE OF YOU THAT I OWE REVIEWS, I AM TAKING A LITTLE TIME OFF TO ACTUALLY WRITE MY NEXT TWO SCREENPLAYS. I PROMISE YOU THAT WITHIN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH ON MY OBLIGATIONS WITH YOU GUYS, JUST A COUPLE OF DEADLINES CAME UP AND I NEED TO WORK, WORK, WORK!
I have been a professional musician for the last 10 years and have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows with regards to the music industry. I've had 2 Billboard #1's, several more top 5's and several more top 10's. I'm interested in the art of writing, whether it be poetry, lyrics or narrative.
I was into this type of writing long before I was into music and wrote my first complete novel when I was 15. It was freaking horrible, but I finished it. In college I was a drama-music double major for the first 3 years before deciding that I would focus on music and changing my major to music to finish. What that 3 years of a double major gave me, though, was 2 semesters of creative writing, 2 semesters of screenwriting and a semester of playwriting - plus 7 semesters of acting classes and real world experience of being in several plays and college short films.
Back then (12 years ago now) I wrote 5 full screenplays and 3 full plays (one of them a musical - that was fun). They were bad, looking back, but they gave me the experience that you can't get outside of actually writing. I even got an A+ for my musical (the only one the teacher had ever given in 35+ years of teaching).
The next 12 years, I worked hard to make it in the music business as an artist, producer and writer. I eventually saw great success, but I've realized over the last few years that the music business isn't dying - it's dead. So, over the last few months, I have dedicated myself to the craft of screenwriting. I'm lucky enough that my contacts from music (and from on the strength of my 1st screenplay of recent times) have allowed me to secure a manager (in L.A.) and an agent (in NY and L.A.) but as I work towards being better I decided I wanted to be a part of a screenwriting community of people working both to build something and getting better at telling our stories.
Right now, I'm in the midst of working on directing my first short (with my directing partner Kris). We are also in the midst of writing the screenplay for the film that I hope will be my feature directing debut. The short should happen in 2012 and the full-length in 2013.
Looking forward to knowing the next generation of screenwriters on here.
Chazz
I have been a professional musician for the last 10 years and have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows with regards to the music industry. I've had 2 Billboard #1's, several more top 5's and several more top 10's. I'm interested in the art of writing, whether it be poetry, lyrics or narrative.
I was into this type of writing long before I was into music and wrote my first complete novel when I was 15. It was freaking horrible, but I finished it. In college I was a drama-music double major for the first 3 years before deciding that I would focus on music and changing my major to music to finish. What that 3 years of a double major gave me, though, was 2 semesters of creative writing, 2 semesters of screenwriting and a semester of playwriting - plus 7 semesters of acting classes and real world experience of being in several plays and college short films.
Back then (12 years ago now) I wrote 5 full screenplays and 3 full plays (one of them a musical - that was fun). They were bad, looking back, but they gave me the experience that you can't get outside of actually writing. I even got an A+ for my musical (the only one the teacher had ever given in 35+ years of teaching).
The next 12 years, I worked hard to make it in the music business as an artist, producer and writer. I eventually saw great success, but I've realized over the last few years that the music business isn't dying - it's dead. So, over the last few months, I have dedicated myself to the craft of screenwriting. I'm lucky enough that my contacts from music (and from on the strength of my 1st screenplay of recent times) have allowed me to secure a manager (in L.A.) and an agent (in NY and L.A.) but as I work towards being better I decided I wanted to be a part of a screenwriting community of people working both to build something and getting better at telling our stories.
Right now, I'm in the midst of working on directing my first short (with my directing partner Kris). We are also in the midst of writing the screenplay for the film that I hope will be my feature directing debut. The short should happen in 2012 and the full-length in 2013.
Looking forward to knowing the next generation of screenwriters on here.
Chazz
Reviews I've Written
Follow The Signs, Marnie's Original Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Traditional Rom-Com that could (and should) be better
January 11, 2012
KING PHILIP a.k.a. METACOMET, Richard's Original Draft
3
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Long read, but excellent.
January 05, 2012
The writer is obviously a master craftsman. This script is unlike anything I've read on here (or anywhere else for that matter). It is massive. It is epic. It is freaking long. It is action out the wazoo. And damn is it good.
That's the positives. The negative is that this script will, in this reader's opinion, have a very difficult time selling. But if/when the writer sells his first couple of scripts, this should be something he brings to a producer personally because it is an Oscar-bait kind of movie. It has all the trappings of an epic biopic.
I have no clue who would play King Philip - but it's a meaty role. Philip is a stud. He gets nooky from two different beautiful women. He kills people left and right. He is strong-willed. He is kind and graceful. This is a monster role for someone.
I can't say enough good about the writing in this script - but for other readers, let me give another negative:
This is a tough read. TONS of action/description. It has to be there - the writer is recreating a world so foreign and different from the one we live in now that it begs to be explained. And - though there is a proverbial crap-ton of writing, I honestly (for about 90% of the script) did not feel like it was over-written.
So - on to the review:
PREMISE: I'm not a big fan of the biopic genre, but I give it 4-stars in spite of my general dislike for the genre. Someone else could easily give it 5-stars. This is just MY thoughts on it.
STORY STRUCTURE: very episodic while still falling into the convention of a 3-act (mighta been 5-acts, if I really think about it). I give this 5-stars...it's that well-written.
CHARACTERS: The characters in this are EXCELLENT. My only beef is that there are (again) a proverbial crap-ton of characters. I was constantly trying to figure out who the hell just got killed and whose side they were on. But - with that said - how can you write a massive EPIC 133-page biopic and NOT have there be crazy amounts of characters? the answer is "you can't".
DIALOGUE: The Indian dialogue was cumbersome at time, but man, the research that had to have gone into this script and this dialogue. I would've given it 3-stars because it was - at times cumbersome, but then again it was so well-researched and so well-put together I am gonna move it up to 4-stars.
SPOILERS HAPPEN NEXT:
EMOTION: Great. But not perfect. I felt like I should've felt more when Shuogo dies. but then again I did feel something when Philip meets his inevitable end.
Overall - I think this script is both amazing and un-sellable. That's a tough combination. I hope that you have the ability to direct this yourself, sir, because this will make one hell of a movie. And this is coming from someone who hates biopics!
Well done.
That's the positives. The negative is that this script will, in this reader's opinion, have a very difficult time selling. But if/when the writer sells his first couple of scripts, this should be something he brings to a producer personally because it is an Oscar-bait kind of movie. It has all the trappings of an epic biopic.
I have no clue who would play King Philip - but it's a meaty role. Philip is a stud. He gets nooky from two different beautiful women. He kills people left and right. He is strong-willed. He is kind and graceful. This is a monster role for someone.
I can't say enough good about the writing in this script - but for other readers, let me give another negative:
This is a tough read. TONS of action/description. It has to be there - the writer is recreating a world so foreign and different from the one we live in now that it begs to be explained. And - though there is a proverbial crap-ton of writing, I honestly (for about 90% of the script) did not feel like it was over-written.
So - on to the review:
PREMISE: I'm not a big fan of the biopic genre, but I give it 4-stars in spite of my general dislike for the genre. Someone else could easily give it 5-stars. This is just MY thoughts on it.
STORY STRUCTURE: very episodic while still falling into the convention of a 3-act (mighta been 5-acts, if I really think about it). I give this 5-stars...it's that well-written.
CHARACTERS: The characters in this are EXCELLENT. My only beef is that there are (again) a proverbial crap-ton of characters. I was constantly trying to figure out who the hell just got killed and whose side they were on. But - with that said - how can you write a massive EPIC 133-page biopic and NOT have there be crazy amounts of characters? the answer is "you can't".
DIALOGUE: The Indian dialogue was cumbersome at time, but man, the research that had to have gone into this script and this dialogue. I would've given it 3-stars because it was - at times cumbersome, but then again it was so well-researched and so well-put together I am gonna move it up to 4-stars.
SPOILERS HAPPEN NEXT:
EMOTION: Great. But not perfect. I felt like I should've felt more when Shuogo dies. but then again I did feel something when Philip meets his inevitable end.
Overall - I think this script is both amazing and un-sellable. That's a tough combination. I hope that you have the ability to direct this yourself, sir, because this will make one hell of a movie. And this is coming from someone who hates biopics!
Well done.
The Guardian, Justin's 6th Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Great, Tight Children's Action/Adventure/Fantasy
January 04, 2012
I am very impressed with this script. Well-written, well-planned, well-structured, clear goals for the characters, etc. I'm impressed.
PREMISE:
Great premise for the genre. Not my favorite genre personally, but for what it is, it is very good. Though to be honest, I'm not sure I like the title. The writer may take that as he may - but I'd suggest a new title.
STRUCTURE:
Near perfect. This is a commercial spec script and structure is the friend of these scripts. This is very very structured.
CHARACTER:
Good characters. Not perfect...a little tiny bit cheesy at times - but good characters overall.
DIALOGUE:
Again, for this type of script the dialogue is very, very good. Again, it isn't my favorite style of script, but for what it was, the dialogue is good, even great in some places.
EMOTION:
The only part of the script I might quibble with. When he goes for the emotion, it comes across a bit sterile to this reader. I can't put my finger on why - but the 2-3 times in the script where I felt I should be feeling something, I didn't. The script is short. I wonder if the writer could expand on some of the emotional scenes a bit more. When the mother comes back, when it looks like everything is lost, etc.
Anyway, congrats on a great draft! Good luck! This should be a film, like, tomorrow!
PREMISE:
Great premise for the genre. Not my favorite genre personally, but for what it is, it is very good. Though to be honest, I'm not sure I like the title. The writer may take that as he may - but I'd suggest a new title.
STRUCTURE:
Near perfect. This is a commercial spec script and structure is the friend of these scripts. This is very very structured.
CHARACTER:
Good characters. Not perfect...a little tiny bit cheesy at times - but good characters overall.
DIALOGUE:
Again, for this type of script the dialogue is very, very good. Again, it isn't my favorite style of script, but for what it was, the dialogue is good, even great in some places.
EMOTION:
The only part of the script I might quibble with. When he goes for the emotion, it comes across a bit sterile to this reader. I can't put my finger on why - but the 2-3 times in the script where I felt I should be feeling something, I didn't. The script is short. I wonder if the writer could expand on some of the emotional scenes a bit more. When the mother comes back, when it looks like everything is lost, etc.
Anyway, congrats on a great draft! Good luck! This should be a film, like, tomorrow!
Modern Day Pirates, Michael's 3rd Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Entertaining and funny script
January 03, 2012
I think the premise for this script is excellent - actually one I wish I'd thought up myself. Very funny idea.
So - does the script hold up? Here we go...
PREMISE: As I said before - excellent premise. 5 stars.
STORY STRUCTURE: Set up and payoff within each act was great. The story ramps up, the love story gets better when it's supposed to, the bad guys draw near...it's a well-structured script.
CHARACTER: I struggle with this also - comedic characters are hard to delineate at times, when you're writing. Witty dialogue is usually the funniest - either that OR some moronic comments. The hard part is when both of your main characters are morons...it's hard to delineate. I'm struggling right now with similar problems on my script "The Take Over" - the characters are good, but I would love to see a little more difference between the two main characters.
DIALOGUE: If the characters aren't EXACTLY right, then it's hard to get the dialogue right. But the writer does a great job of saving what could have been cheesy dialogue very easily and made it very, very good.
EMOTION: It's a comedy. Is it supposed to be emotional? As good as you normally see emotion in a straight up comedy you get here. It's not what it'd be in "Revolutionary Road" but it is good.
So, overall - I liked this script A LOT. Great, sweet, fun, funny comedy. I highly suggest this script!
Thanks for letting me read it!
Chazz
So - does the script hold up? Here we go...
PREMISE: As I said before - excellent premise. 5 stars.
STORY STRUCTURE: Set up and payoff within each act was great. The story ramps up, the love story gets better when it's supposed to, the bad guys draw near...it's a well-structured script.
CHARACTER: I struggle with this also - comedic characters are hard to delineate at times, when you're writing. Witty dialogue is usually the funniest - either that OR some moronic comments. The hard part is when both of your main characters are morons...it's hard to delineate. I'm struggling right now with similar problems on my script "The Take Over" - the characters are good, but I would love to see a little more difference between the two main characters.
DIALOGUE: If the characters aren't EXACTLY right, then it's hard to get the dialogue right. But the writer does a great job of saving what could have been cheesy dialogue very easily and made it very, very good.
EMOTION: It's a comedy. Is it supposed to be emotional? As good as you normally see emotion in a straight up comedy you get here. It's not what it'd be in "Revolutionary Road" but it is good.
So, overall - I liked this script A LOT. Great, sweet, fun, funny comedy. I highly suggest this script!
Thanks for letting me read it!
Chazz
MAX ALEXANDER & THE BOOK OF ALL BOOKS, JOHN's 2nd Draft
5
out of
8
people found the following review helpful:
This has to be a joke, right?
January 02, 2012
I finally read and reviewed this script because this guy has just been blowing up all the forums trying to get people to give him props for writing the script of the century.
Hands down, this is the absolute worst script I've ever read. There's only two ways a script this bad could go: absolute genius, or cringe-worthy Troll 4 awesomeness. I'm leaning towards Troll 4.
PREMISE: Horrible. Have you read this premise? It isn't a logline..it's the ramblings of a crazy person.
STORY STRUCTURE: There is none.
CHARACTER: There are character names, for sure - but the idea of characters aren't even there - they're that one dimensional.
DIALOGUE: Well, if that's what you want to call it.
EMOTION: The only emotion this script have is the one that drives the reader to put it down.
John, you should stick to winning $2651 in $1k events and stay away from script writing.
Hands down, this is the absolute worst script I've ever read. There's only two ways a script this bad could go: absolute genius, or cringe-worthy Troll 4 awesomeness. I'm leaning towards Troll 4.
PREMISE: Horrible. Have you read this premise? It isn't a logline..it's the ramblings of a crazy person.
STORY STRUCTURE: There is none.
CHARACTER: There are character names, for sure - but the idea of characters aren't even there - they're that one dimensional.
DIALOGUE: Well, if that's what you want to call it.
EMOTION: The only emotion this script have is the one that drives the reader to put it down.
John, you should stick to winning $2651 in $1k events and stay away from script writing.
The Guy Who Sucks, Brian's Original Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Mumblecore is a director's genre...
January 01, 2012
The tough thing about writing a script like this one is that this genre of script is not a writer's genre - it's a director's genre. Scripts like this don't sell - they get made by the person writing the script. Mumblecore is a great genre (and that's how I personally would classify this script) but it's not a spec genre - unfortunately.
If this were a movie, I think it would translate better. The story is strong and emotional, and as I read it I would not tell you to change much (with the exception of a few formatting things). I think that for the style of script it is that it is well-written. I have a script similar to this one called "We Know It" - different kind of loser but a loser who tries to put his life back together and it takes him to places that are not expected in normal every day spec scripts.
So, I'll go through and review each individual category:
PREMISE: The premise is ok, if not a bit generic. A loser tries to get his shit together. It's a redemption story waiting to happen. But this is also written in the style of an indie-drama - or more specifically mumblecore - so the redemption story doesn't REALLY happens. You get shades of it. You see the guy come out of his funk...but it's not quite a redemption story. And that's okay - for the type of script it is, it works and it works well.
STORY STRUCTURE: There isn't really a structure here, at least not that is highly evident. And, again, that's okay because of the genre.
CHARACTER: This is the strong point of this script (and is usually a hallmark for this type of film). The characters are strong, ribald and mostly funny. Each seems to have some kind of motivation, though - again - it's not as clear as one might find in a more traditional comedy.
DIALOGUE: Strong dialogue in places. Not so strong in others. I think part of the problem may be that there is just simply too much dialogue. Scenes stretch on for 5-6 pages regularly and I found myself wondering if they could be 2-3 pages instead. But - this is a tendency in this genre. So - would I suggest the writer change it? I'd lean towards probably no.
EMOTION: Another strong point. You feel what the characters - especially JEREMY, the main character - is going through. You want Jeremy to get better, to win, to feel like he is doing something right. Good job on this.
OVERALL:
Formatting - here's a few tips to help you as you work on the next draft: split up lines of description/action and never have more than 4 at a time. Get rid of all the transitions (CUT TO:, FADE TO:, etc.). When there is action before dialogue make sure the action is on it's own line. Example:
CHARACTER
(action)
Dialogue....
Overall, this script is good and maybe very good for the genre. But this genre isn't a spec genre and so my score has to be a tad bit lower with that in mind. I think your writing style is very strong and I think that - obviously - this is a personal script that you should hold onto, rework and rework until you have the opportunity to direct this yourself. It screams as a writer/director kind of thing to me.
Those are my thoughts - I'm not a pro, and I'm just one man...so take it as you will!
Chazz
If this were a movie, I think it would translate better. The story is strong and emotional, and as I read it I would not tell you to change much (with the exception of a few formatting things). I think that for the style of script it is that it is well-written. I have a script similar to this one called "We Know It" - different kind of loser but a loser who tries to put his life back together and it takes him to places that are not expected in normal every day spec scripts.
So, I'll go through and review each individual category:
PREMISE: The premise is ok, if not a bit generic. A loser tries to get his shit together. It's a redemption story waiting to happen. But this is also written in the style of an indie-drama - or more specifically mumblecore - so the redemption story doesn't REALLY happens. You get shades of it. You see the guy come out of his funk...but it's not quite a redemption story. And that's okay - for the type of script it is, it works and it works well.
STORY STRUCTURE: There isn't really a structure here, at least not that is highly evident. And, again, that's okay because of the genre.
CHARACTER: This is the strong point of this script (and is usually a hallmark for this type of film). The characters are strong, ribald and mostly funny. Each seems to have some kind of motivation, though - again - it's not as clear as one might find in a more traditional comedy.
DIALOGUE: Strong dialogue in places. Not so strong in others. I think part of the problem may be that there is just simply too much dialogue. Scenes stretch on for 5-6 pages regularly and I found myself wondering if they could be 2-3 pages instead. But - this is a tendency in this genre. So - would I suggest the writer change it? I'd lean towards probably no.
EMOTION: Another strong point. You feel what the characters - especially JEREMY, the main character - is going through. You want Jeremy to get better, to win, to feel like he is doing something right. Good job on this.
OVERALL:
Formatting - here's a few tips to help you as you work on the next draft: split up lines of description/action and never have more than 4 at a time. Get rid of all the transitions (CUT TO:, FADE TO:, etc.). When there is action before dialogue make sure the action is on it's own line. Example:
CHARACTER
(action)
Dialogue....
Overall, this script is good and maybe very good for the genre. But this genre isn't a spec genre and so my score has to be a tad bit lower with that in mind. I think your writing style is very strong and I think that - obviously - this is a personal script that you should hold onto, rework and rework until you have the opportunity to direct this yourself. It screams as a writer/director kind of thing to me.
Those are my thoughts - I'm not a pro, and I'm just one man...so take it as you will!
Chazz
Favorite Movies
Se7en - Fight Club - The Usual Suspects - The Hangover - Wedding Crashers - Arsenic & Old Lace - Charade (Cary Grant)
Influences
Coen Brothers, Farrelly Brothers, Christopher Nolan, Steve Zallain, Eric Roth
PRetty basic rom-com 90's rehash. There were some great movies back then - but now it just seems like a rehash. Crazy Stupid Love (though horribly titled) did a brilliant twist on the genre and took the reader/audience places you didn't expect to go, so it felt fresh and cool. In my opinion, you have to figure out how to twist it.
STORY STRUCTURE:
It feels like your story structure is not quite right. P. 19-20 when she gets kicked out of her sister's house and she loses her job feels like the ensuing event. Then, on top of it there's no real debate as to how she can pull of her goal - mainly because she has no clear goal.
Wait - so an ambulance takes her home after she twists her knee (unrealistic, expensive and stupid of Samantha to allow, even if it was possible - where's her car? back at the mall?), then the paramedic gives her un-perscribed painkillers that put her out (again, completely unrealistic), then spends the night (um, what?) and then when she wakes up the next morning he's in only his boxer's? This sequence is so far beyond belief I actually laughed. And it wasn't an intended laugh, I don't think.
I see that you were setting up Christmas Eve, but still it's so implausible.
Finally. Page 60, your protagonist makes a choice to do something.
p. 71 - so, wait, Nana is dead now? How did that pass without us talking about it?
p. 79 - fireworks go off AS they kiss? Very convenient.
p. 89 - I literally rolled my eyes at Emmanuelle and Michael.
CHARACTER:
Your characters don't have clear goals. The only one with an absolute clear goal is Samantha's mom and is her goal of getting her daughter married enough to create a story arc? I'd contend no. Samantha is a mostly reactive character. She doesn't make tough choices that push her character arc, she simply reacts to the sh*t going on around her. And what's her goal? To get out from under her mother's thumb? We're supposed to cheer for the chick who passive-aggressively tries to react to life?
So, we meet Michelle once and then we don't see or hear from her again till p. 67. Did I miss something? She should probably at least be talked about or something before p. 67.
So, Michael is gay and you show him as being gay by him wearing panties and putting on perfume? Um...
DIALOGUE:
The dialogue in this script is weak to say the least. Nearly every scene has some kind of exposition in the dialogue. For instance...
Several scenes talk about her dropping out of school. We know she dropped out of school. It comes up in like 6 straight scenes. So, on p.17 when Samantha says "You've always been responsible, up until you quit school that is" it just feels like overkill.
Then you have a scene where she explains what happened with Michael. Why are you telling us what happened with MIchael? Why not show the scene with Michael then have her come home only to get kicked out by her sister and learn that she has been fired? That makes a much better script, in my opinion.
EMOTION:
So, p. 59 Samantha finally cries. She's sitting with Michael (who I as the reader kinda don't care about - you haven't given me any reason TO care about him) and somehow he touches on a nerve about her quitting and kids and such. No set up about this that I can remember. Has she mentioned before about wanting to have kids and wanting to be a good mom, unlike her mom? Not that I can remember...so the payoff of her crying feels empty and honestly a bit silly. Especially while sitting/talking with a character we haven't been taught to care about (michael).
SOME NOTES:
Make sure in dialogue that when you use someone's name, you put a comma. Like this: "She left you her house, Samantha" (from p. 71) instead of "She left you your house Samantha" - literally every time a character says someone else's name in dialogue you forget the comma. Not sure why.