randall hahn miami

.....On the Big Screen......

This was a fun, enjoyable read......Some spelling errors, but for the most part a clean script.

There were some lines that were a little "theater inclusive" and although it is a movie that involves the theater, making reference with inside jokes cuts out the part of the audience that won't get them....

Also some parts had a "seen it before" feel....But for the most part this was a fun, fast screen play to read.....There were some parts, dream sequences that didn't really work for me, and tended to throw off the pace of the movie....

I read the other reviewer and he was pretty well on point with his critique...the only thing I would say is, I think the mother/Lew scene is good, and integral to understanding what made Lew, Lew...it was good....instead of maybe the dream or fantasy sequence, we could get a little more mom, then we will feel it more when Lew says she passes...and even though she is hard on him, we want to see his love for her more, so that we feel a part of him has passed with him....I also wanted Leslie on that plane with him at the end....maybe his first trip is Leslie and Lew are going to NY for the first time, together, and are going to catch a Broadway Show...even "Death of a Salesman".....then you can hint at the end of perhaps....perchance.....Broadway for Lew....

Over all, I thought it was a tight, well written script, that never lost my attention....fun moments, funny moments, and touching moments perfect for a light comedy of this nature.....

Good job Chad....do a little more reworking and go over every scene to make sure the feeling of..."Oh, I've seen this in another teen age comedy, (tho this one is on a higher level intellectually than most) which actually is refreshing and clean up any misspellings, anything that may alienate the audience not up to speed with theater jargon...etc...little things that will truly make this professional and stand out.

Death of a Janitor is a great title, and the script has a lot of heart....I care for these characters and you did a good job of developing them....

Even now, I think it is worthy of being in the movies! Thumbs UP!

I'm adding an ideal that came to me about Lew's mom.....Maybe you could add a scene where he starts to come in to see her but when he walks in, she's in"that mood" even before he gets there....so he decides to leave, but as he goes out he notices someone selling flowers in the lobby and decides to get her a small bouquet....he gives it to the nurse and whispers something to her...then Lew goes outside and watches through the window as the nurse comes up and hands her the flowers....the nurse says, "they are from a secret admirer, a man."....his mother suddenly takes the flowers, looks around for her admirer, smiles, primps her hair, and feels like she is somebody beautiful again...Lew gets the desired affect...which is just wanting to see his mother happy...even if he is the one that can't do it...he smiles and leaves.....this gives us a side of Lew that says, no matter what...I still love you mom.....

Just a thought....

James, you have a good story going here. I like the story line of Jaweed, a terrorist, kidnapping a western girl to take her for his wife, and a team has to be sent in, not only, it turns out to rescue her, but set free a whole terrorized village.

Sounds like fun on the Big Screen.

However, your script still needs honing, and tightening up, and the dialogue can, at times, be to on the nose, as they say. Also, when you are describing the action, or a character, you also describe what the person is feeling or thinking. You can do that in a novel, but you can not do that in a script, because there is no way to SHOW that on film...

examples:

pg. 4 you tell us Jaweed, "never the less, he watches Megan, and (decides he likes her classic western features.) No way to show that on screen. Instead something like,
"He watches Megan. Smiles, ever so slightly to himself."
This action then leads right into the next line Johnny says to Megan, "That creepy old guy's staring at you."

Again, you say, about Megan after Jaweed picks her up and says "Have a good day." She exhales sharply, stifles a laugh, mingled with a tear. (and considers this comment the strangest thing someone could say under such circumstances) That whole part cannot be shown on screen, so leave it out.

Megan feels a sudden need to leave that place.(Like a dread foreboding.She wants only to return to the comfort and safety of her own apt.) You can't show that. Instead just say,

"Megan feels a sudden urge to leave." Don't explain why, besides her next line is "C'mon" That line tells us she wants to get out of there. We don't need to know anything else.
Action lines should be short, direct, and to the point, and flow right into the dialogue that says it all.

jump to pg 78:
Boyard...."gazes up at the mountain pass on the other side of the river.(and wonders if he'll ever see the four rescue riders again.) You are telling,not showing.

Maybe, something like this gets your point across of him being worried about the four rescue riders.
Boyard talking to Wizen about the barracade and moat they built to protect the town.

Boyard"Will it be enough to keep them out sir?"
Wizen pats him comfortingly on the shoulder, but doesn't answer. He descends the dirt ramp instead.

Now instead of your telling us what you tell us above...just have Boyard ask..

"Think we'll ever see them again? Sir?"
Wizen, stops, turns back. Wizen "I'm counting on it."
EXT. QADES VILLAGE - NITE
The rescue riders....etc....

See how that line leads right into the next scene of the rescue riders, whom he is worried about?

Now we know Boyard is worried about seeing the rescue riders because he says so. That also tells us, maybe we, as the audience should be a little worried also. Show, don't tell....

Now on to some dialogue...just small changes can make all the difference in a line sounding written, on the nose, and a line sounding spoken in real life...
pg 7 This is a phone conversation between Wizen and Gladden. We see Wizens side of this convo....
Wizen"What do they want you to do?" Instead, "What do they want?" Now I'm going to transcribe the rest of the scene, then rework it down below to show you what I mean....Then Gladden answers, ...Gladden,"Find the local guy in charge. Jaweed.Unfortunately, nobody knows what he looks like."
Wizen"Do you have a lead?"
Gladden"I don't have squat. That's where you come in."
Wizen "It's my day off. Do you mind?"
Gladden "I bet you're just sitting there in your chair, reading a book."
Wizen looks down at the book on the grass. He feels exposed.
Wizen,"Ben, you don't say no to this one. Do you understand?"
He's not happy about it, but what can he do?
Wizen "Give me ten minutes."
Wizen hangs up.


Now let's clean it up.

Wizen "What do they want?"
Gladden"Find Jaweed."
Wizen"You have a lead?"
Gladden "Squat. Hell, we don't even know what he looks like."
Wizen "It's my day off."
Gladden"Well now it's your day on."
Wizen looks down at his book.
Gladden"You don't say no to this one."
Wizen grumbles.
Wizen "Give me ten."
Wizen hangs up.

Less wordy, gets the point across. More natural.

pg 9 Johnny angrily comes to her defense and pushes this man away from her.

How about..."Johnny pushes the man away from her."
Johnny "Bastard!"

This line conveys his anger, and gives us emotion rather than tells about his emotion.

pg 14 You describe a character...Bob Baltimore.."(50's, retired Lieutenent, US Army,now growing paunchy in the middle, has the heart of an auditor.He used to inspect supply shipments while on active duty. He has a southern accent.)

You tell us things we don't need to know and can't possibly show, unless you plan on using a flashback when you first introduce Bob, showing him inspecting supply shipments...

So...Bob Baltimore, 50's, paunchy, southern accent.

That's all you need to say about him. Anything else should come out in your dialogue from him or the other characters.

pg 16 Action, "Gladden and Wizen return to their car, a humvee. They talk as they walk."
Instead....Gladden and Wizen walk to their humvee.
Gladden "What makes you so sure the bombers and kidnappers are the same?"

See, you don't have to tell us the talk and walk. All you have to tell us is their action of walking back to their humvee. Then just go right into their dialogue.

These are just some of the ways you can rework your script and get it cleaner, while making the reading much more concise. Also, you may want to get rid of all the Cut to's, and camera angles, and leave that to the director to fill in....this will also help the script flow more smoothly.

All in all, I enjoyed the story, and the way it played out. The characters are good, the action, though wordy, is good....I see you already put a lot of effort into making it a clean script, spelling wise, and error free in regards to formatting....Now just go over every action line and character description and cut out anything you wrote that tells us how they are feeling and instead, show it....if it can't be shown, delete it.....it does nothing for the story and moving us forward....Go over every line and if you can find a way to shorten the lines, or make them sound more natural, do it.....It will be worth the effort and you will have a fine action film that I'd certainly like to see.....

Ok here goes....Glenn, you have done a good job of writing a very difficult screenplay to write. I'm not sure many people on here could do as good a job of plowing thru the action/adventure that you have come up with. So few formatting errors and so few spelling errors. That alone tells me you went over this script with a fine tooth comb. For that, I applaud you.

"Majestic" is a grand attempt at writing strictly an action film, almost no dialogue, or even, for the bulk of it, almost no characters, except the hero, Nathan.

That is where I struggled to keep up, or stay interested. It was so much description my imagination began to shut down. I had to put down the screenplay several times just to get away. Assimilate what I read, then come back to it, regroup, and pick up the action where I left off, even retracing some scenes, just to catch up, because my mind shut down, even though I was still reading.

I liked this movie, though, but it needs reworking, even though I could tell you put an enormous amount of work in it already....I read the other reviews just to bounce my ideas off of what other people thought...and it seems to me, everybody is pretty much on the same page....I think most really liked it,(I can tell you this, if it wasn't so well written, clean and conscise, no one would have been able to finish it)...we all want Nathan to have some sort of rapport with something or someone else....Even as little as, maybe, in the beginning, Nathan wants to get back for Cindy's birthday...and he has picked up something special on Mars to bring her....Cindy is desparate to have her father there for her birthday because he missed the last few....

Whatever this special gift is, (an ancient human like doll made by the Atlanteans, left behind on Mars when they were forced to escape?)It could even talk when you squeeze it,"You're hair is pretty." "I like your eyes" something like that, that becomes a running gag at inopportune times when Nathan needs to be quiet. Nathan must care for it all the way thru the film(it is this gift that he assigns a personality to, and it becomes his companion thru out, even after he finds his daughter and family missing,he hangs on to it, now apart of him, and his family.) Also, when he returns to his home, set up in the living room, is the birthday party he missed, candles burned down to the cake, because they disappeared during the party....he picks up a party favor and blows in it like a lonely kazoo,...etc. Finally, at the last, he presents it to her when she comes out of the pod, finally able to celebrate her birthday(as well as the fact, she survived) with her.

I'm just throwing out ideas here, like the other reviewers.

Maybe, the Atlantean father, Charon, at the beginning, could say to his wife, Theka, "You know where I must go..." after she pleads for him to come with them. Then as he races to the city, he can go below the surface into a cave, just as the water comes over, destroying the city. Now, when Nathan discovers the ship at the bottom of the ocean, Charon, could be in the ship, frozen in time, and when Nathan stirs it up, the father thaws and now Nathan and the father or (chief?) can do battle together against the Creatures until the "space cavalry" arrives.....This would give him someone else to partner with, and tie the beginning in with the ending...

Other things that just don't seem possible you have to make us believe are by really showcasing the marvel of the technology behind it, ie( the black "goo" space suit) maybe instead of spending so much time having Nathan traverse Mars to get back to the Majestic, he can get there quicker, and then we can have more fun with him experimenting with the suit and ship....if this is new to him, you know it is new to us, and the fun would be discovering how amazing this technology is, a'la "Greatest American Hero" and his space suit....

So overall, though it was a ponderous read, it was so, because the writer really took us on an ACTION adventure, but, one that was an adventure for one....however...the audience likes to be included when they are watching an adventure unfold, and the way this one unfolds, its more like we are outside looking in, rather than, experiencing with him....Somehow you have to find a way, to make it more personal for us, the audience, and not just an onlooker, or passer-by.

Over all, I gave this a four, for the amount of effort it took to really write this screenplay, the effort to make it a clean read, and the imagination it has, tieing the Space Aliens, and Atlanteans, and earth all together.

This would make one fine adventure film as is, but it could be so much more.......

It was a real struggle to read thru this script because it is all over the place with formatting errors, misspelled words, sometimes lines of dialogue have no character names attached, one line had the wrong character saying it.....The action and character descriptions are so convoluted with descriptions as if we are reading a novel and not a screenplay....

This needs a lot of editing, cutting, and reworking.....

Now, having said that....I actually liked it. I liked the story. It felt like I was reading an old Star Trek script as far as the aliens go....It had heart and humanity.....And the characters were pretty well fleshed out....So inspite of this not being a well written screenplay...IF it was well written...the story is good enough to make into a movie....At least I think so....

Lauren I really hope you put a tremendous amount of time into making this a tight, well written screenplay worthy of the story....because I'd like to see it on the Big Screen one day....

This version is much better than version 1. I can see Chazz went over it, cleaned up the formatting, tightened the dialogue, and added some action while taking out/combining some of the scenes between Leslie and Rodney that don't propel the story forward....It reads a lot better....

However, it can still use some tweaking and polishing....the story is there(good beginning-good ending) and it is good....but going from A to Z, the journey needs some more reworking.....dialogue can also be less on the nose...using more subtext...

There are some scenes that are not necessary, like showing Hugh introducing the 2 cops that tail Leslie and then getting on the phone for a warrant...You can cut this scene out completely because the very next scene shows Leslie being tailed and the subsequent scene shows the cops ransacking Rodney's apt...

Cut, cut, and cut some more to make the story tighter, and flow quickly forward, not meander to get there....Still a good job with your initial rewrites and looking forward to subsequent revisions...

By the way, I like the new title "Untrue Things"....

After reading this script I had to toss it and turn it over in my mind a few times to find out why it was good but also why it felt a little flat while I read it....It is hard to put my finger on it....The characters are good...but I think their dialogue kind of lies there....almost monotone....But the premise is good and with a rework I think you have a good story here....I just can't get past these people being so....I hate to say dull, because they are not, but they are just normal...and I wanted more...I kept hoping for more, but they never broke out of their molds....I don't know if that was to give it a dream like quality to the whole story or what....

Still I enjoyed it and would love for you to inject some life into their dialogue....again..I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it......I think you said this was your first script, so I am interested in reading some of your other work because you are an excellent reviewer with a good eye and ear for details in a script....Over all, nice story....I just wanted....more out of it...