Jason Franklin (West Hollywood)

I can see why this is up for consideration for Amazon's Development Slate, it's really good.

There are several elements that make me think of your story as "Sleepy Hollow meets Pirates of the Caribbean." Which is a good and bad thing I guess. It's great, because those are great/successful movies. It's bad because you don't want your work compared to much to someone else's.

Similarities aside, it is by no means a copy of either of those stories and is a really well done script.

I do wish there were page numbers and there are some typos, but overall very clean.

Act 1 and 2 were the strongest to me, but there was some good reveal at the end. I think some subplots would help add beef to Act 3.

Things to consider:
Maybe a little backstory on Hammett?
Backstory on the temple or more on the connection with Roanoke.
Using the approaching winter analogy throughout the story for some more foreboding.
A love interest.

Really good job.

I’m late in the game when it comes to contributing input to 12 Princesses, but better late then never!

I really like the premise, especially how you tweaked the original Grimm tale to make it your own. If there is any constructive criticism to add, I’d just take it further. Define more of the world.

In regards to story structure, you did excellent! I would punch up key moments, especially act endings and the midpoint.

Characters are very strong. The besides December, the 11 other princesses are the tricky part.

I really like the effort you put in the dialogue, especially the sung versus. I’m by no means very qualified in sung verse, but well done. If there’s anything, maybe another look at the transitions from spoken to sung, and vice versa.

The emotion was good, but probably the part of the screenplay that was the least awesome. For me, some of the emotion could benefit from being more atypical from other fairy tales. I love Franc, whereas Bob could surprise me a little more.

Hope something on here helps. REALLY SWEET JOB.

PS: I would just add that no one should really be giving you one or two stars on your story simply because your work speaks for itself being on the development slate.

Great concept, and cool imagery!

The world you created is unique, which is probably the best compliment I can give you considering there are so many supernatural stories that seem to fall into the same, overdone, mold. Yours definitely stands out.

In my opinion, you are far enough on your story to start nit-picking it. That's basically my suggestions; that you start going over it very closely, scene by scene. I did get a little confused a couple times on the flashbacks and montages, and other readers might get confused too.

Loved the last moments of the story at the wedding, nice ending! Also really like the contract part.

I could see you putting in more "corporate greed" elements into your story as well. You've already brought it up in the story, I think you should push it further. As a personal opinion, I think there's a little too much voice overs, but that's just a personal preference.

Anyways, good story, strong read, good execution! Time to clean up loose ends and make it as tight as possible.

Good story, lots of places you could go with it.

It’s nice that you jump right into the action, but I’d add just a little more exposition. Where are they going? For that matter, why would they be traveling in that weather? You mentioned a tent, where they going to go camping despite the possibility of a hurricane?

Also, when you introduce ‘the gang’ in the beginning, I think you should add some character description. Regarding character intros, the first time their in a scene, always put their name (all caps) and some sort of character description before there is any dialogue (unless the dialogue is off screen). Specifically p.10 with the intro to the ENGLISHMAN.

Dialogue: need more conflict. In the scene where everyone is getting to know each other in the study, there’s no tension, no disagreement, just chatting.

My biggest suggestion is to analyze how your story fits the 3 act structure.

For the first act, where emotionally are the characters. What's their 'normal' life. Then, what sets them off their course, and finally what choice do they make that sets all of the second at in motion. Emphasize those moments, make them important.

For the second, build up the tension, one challenge is overcame, only to find the reward is a bigger challenge. Keep doing it all the way up to the end of the act, where everything seems lost.

Finally in the third act, shit hits the fan. Things get sick. Resolution follows.

Third act works best for me, fine tune the other acts.

You got it good on some character descriptions. My favorite is “JUSTINE, 19, pretty, pale, huge glasses, American Apparel model style.” I might even edit it down to just “American Apparel model style with a nerdy edge,” or something. I think you could be more creative with the initial descriptions of Leo, Ray, and Chico.

One format issues, I’d add page numbers.

The flow is really nice and the dialogue feels natural. I REALLY like the funeral home description and I would build up the tension a little more in the scene where Jack enters the convenience store.

Dialogue note: LEO Wondering where her mind was. Five bucks
for that? I’d rather go on youporn.com.

I’d format it, “I’d rather go to ‘you porn’ dot com.”

Regarding the Fentanyl injection, if you just want the camera to zoom in on Fentanyl that’s fine, but only some people will get that (that’s fine if that’s what you want.)

Typo: “Bernie plays with a one dollar coin.” Should be: “Bernie PAYS with a one dollar coin.”

The story is excellent. In some way, it reminds of of “The Last Picture Show,” if you haven’t seen it, it’s this cool b&w flick. You’re at a point where you can look individually at each scene and really make sure it’s relevant.

Just my opinion, I’d soften the relationship between father and son.

The story is really, really good. Sex and violence make a story, and yours uses both well. In my humble opinion, you just need to keep trimming stuff. Trim everything and anything that isn’t absolutely essential. (I was taught that, and I have a horrible time actually doing that.)

It’s a long and convoluted review, I know, but I hope something/anything here helps.

Sweet story

It's an interesting take on the vampire theme. I gave four stars on the dialogue, because there are some really good dialogue moments, I actually think the dialogue was you're strongest part. I like you screenplay overall.

Format note: there's a weird gap between p4 and 5, and there’s some general format issues, like when you introduce a character and age. Do it like this: Paul (40s) instead of Paul, 40. Also, in dialogue, put a coma after someone’s name, ie.- “I’ll be right back, hun.” or “Where’d you come from, James.”

Overall, good stuff!