Justin M Buettner Folsom

This script is extremely well written from a technical perspective. In fact the character’s dialogue is excellent and each character had a distinct voice. Very well done.

The story itself I found I had issues with though. The first has to do with Miles, the lead character. I think he needs to be set up more as an everyday man and an outsider to the party/drug lifestyle. This will give you many more opportunities for laughs and it will give the average audience member a better entry point into this world you’ve created. In fact if he is a family man going out with his outcast brother to spend a night with him that would be a great set up. Or maybe Rusty is supposed to be throwing Miles a bachelor party? Something along those lines that takes Miles into the middle of this madness.

Anya’s character didn’t come across as believable to me. I did not buy that this “beautiful” girl would have to twist Miles arm into marrying her for a green card. It was really flimsy way of keeping her around. Their romance lacked a defining moment too. I think the sparks really flew during a montage scene, but I am not a big fan of montages, and because it happened through a flash of scenes it loses its impact. What if Anya was supposed to marry Rusty for the green card and through the adventure the engaged Miles starts to fall for her? Just a thought.
In addition I think Anya’s character should have many more twists and turns. It felt like the script was going to go in that direction but never followed through. What if Anya ended up being a Russian police agent trying to get to Nikolai and Rusty was her way in? I like the idea of Anya being a master manipulator and there being more behind her. Right now she is way too convienient of a character.

The Detectives were nothing more than a distraction for me. It felt like the script gave them a little too much screen time. Nikolai however was written perfectly and I liked his character a lot. The scene where he cuts off the pinky was a very graphic and effective way to show he meant business. Very well done.

Some of the big scene in the script felt forced and really implausible. The stealing of the hospital meds by having Miles OD on drugs is really odd. Wouldn’t they just try to steal them without Miles almost dying? What did almost dying really do to help the situation? I know it has some cool moments, but I think on film it will leave many people scratching their heads thinking Miles is a moron and the scene was completely unneeded.

On a smaller scale some of the beginning scenes felt stretched out too. The out to lunch scene seemed random. Anya could have told Miles she wanted the green card marriage at his place, why have a lunch scene? By condensing some of these scenes you will leave more time for more impactful scenes. The opening sequence about the drug is really funny, sets a tone, and I think will be really cool. However you need to find a way to shorten the scene a bit as I think it goes on for a bit too long.

All in all you have a great writing style and I love how you write dialogue. If you can strengthen some of the characters and remove the plot holes I think you will have an extremely solid script. Right now the characters are a little too predictable and some of it seems a bit too easy. I really hope you find a lot of success with your script.

Best of luck!

The only reason I rated this a four and not a five is I know Chris is already working on a second draft and everything can always be better, right?

I am stating the obvious, which is why I didn't write a review earlier, that this is a solid script and story. It was an annual finalist so what can I write to add, as after all I have yet to even be nominated in the screenwriting contests yet. This is just one man's opinion so take it for what it is worth.

On the next draft I hope that the comedy is punched up a bit. I think Bobby in particular can bring even more laughs.

I think you can elaborate on the boys time on the alien planet. There are more creative and comedic gems you can mine out of the space trip. You are basically only limited by your imagination really. I think you could have a really big action/comedy scene that keeps building in this spot.

I do think the whole ex-boyfriend angle is just a tad "too" over the top with the kidnapping and beating. You could have them still present a danger without taking it too far.

I'd love to see the boys more proactive instead of reactive in the second half of the script. After all they do have a war spaceship. I'd also like to see them meet the army/warrior main fleet and command structure. It'd be great to see the boys somehow earn the alien's trust at the highest level. I think you can take this concept to even greater heights of imagination, comedy and adventure.

Best of luck to you on the next draft and hopefully this script finds success on AS and/or beyond.!