C. Bruce Worden

First, your premise/logline and title are nothing short of awesome. Probably the best I've ever seen on Amazon Studios. I saw it on "Premise War" and I had to read it.

Second, your script is very good. I laughed several times, and I think it could be a very funny movie. I have only a couple of suggestions. One: There are various elements that are animated by the ghost that we've seen before: books, suitcases, hoses, green goop from the plumbing, blood from the walls, etc. I think you should push a little harder and see if you can come up with some new or updated versions of that stuff. Two: In the final battle, Doug just sort of bashes his way through the onslaught. I like that we revisit the various things we've seen before (suitcases, books, etc.), but I think it would play better if he had planned specific devices/techniques to defeat those things. Then, of course, those would backfire, and he'd have to improvise his way out of the jam(s).

I also wish that the safe had contained something more interesting so the payoff would have been bigger. I understand what you were going for, but maybe you could set something up earlier, then pay it off with the reveal in the safe. Maybe the Old Lady talks about a specific event that represents their emotional split, and there's an object that represents that event. That object is in the safe. He was going to give it to her, but never got the chance. Something like that.

Best of luck with this script, the contest, and your career!

This is a well written script. But Amazon goes out of their way to point out that they are looking for COMMERCIAL material. As it stands, this is a low-budget indie drama with little mainstream appeal. The biggest problem I see is that there is no main dramatic question (MDQ). None of the characters seems to have a goal (something they are trying to accomplish or keep from happening). It is not even clear who the protagonist is. The only person who seems to have a goal is Mr. Chester, and his goal is to keep financially afloat. But, aside from putting a new TV in his bar, he doesn't do anything toward his goal. All of the other characters seem to be drifting aimlessly. While this may be true to life, it has no place in a Hollywood movie. I think you are going for an ensemble drama here, so each of your main characters (Maggie, Dee, Allison) needs to have a well-defined MDQ. What do they want? What are the obstacles? How will the audience know when they've achieved their goal (or failed)? What are we hoping will happen (or dreading)? Alternatively, you need to select ONE of your characters and give her an MDQ, and then the other characters can act as helpers or foils (or both).

On another note, at the beginning I was under the impression that Allison was a sex-abuse victim -- her bedroom scene with Thomas, her sexualized behavior toward Mr. Chester when he tied her swimsuit, mailing pictures of herself to strange men, all led me to believe something that wasn't true. If her self-portrait business is truly innocent, then I think you should drop the other scenes. You might also want to explain how she finds the men she's sending pictures to -- it would be interesting to see that business start, escalate, and then lead to the threat at the end.

Good luck!

The basic concept of this script is pretty good -- alien invasion via pregnancy -- but, as written, it doesn't pay off. I think the script has a few of major issues:

1. It is past page 40 by the time anything interesting happens. Up till then it is just a couple of people trying to get pregnant, then dealing with the pregnancy. There are only minor hints of where the story is going (a couple of news reports, some dreams). No one in Hollywood would consider making a science-fiction action movie that runs for 40 minutes with nothing happening.

2. After page 45 or so, the story devolves into generic people-trying-to-escape-evil-government-agency. Nothing about the premise really plays much of a role, except that occasionally an alien conveniently pops up when needed. Compare this script to, for example, CHILDREN OF MEN, which was set in a much more interesting world, and there were at least two different groups, with different motives, chasing the protagonists. For this story to be unique, you need to explore your world -- a world in which groups of aliens are both planning and fighting against an invasion.

3. The characters seem under-movitated. Skyler spends the first half of the script fretting that her baby isn't going to be normal, then switches abruptly to protecting what she knows to be an abnormal baby at all costs. Similarly, Dillon wants a baby at all costs, and is ecstatic about the pregnancy, even though he knows the baby isn't normal, until suddenly he doesn't want it anymore, even to the point of betraying his wife.

My recommendation would be to dump the first 40 pages and start the story much later. For example, take a page or two to establish your (pregnant) protagonist then, as she walks up to the fertility clinic for a test, it explodes. Once you get things going, plunge much deeper into the world the premise advertises. As it stands the premise is never adequately explored nor paid off.

This is a well-thought-out thriller with some unexpected twists. Highly recommended!