Michael

I think it's a fun premise. There are a lot of good ideas here. I love the prostitute and The Library as bar. A lot of the dialogue is good. And In a way the structure is good at least it flows quickly.

In a more fine grained way however the first act seems a bit rushed and I felt I needed to know more about MOBU. Actually I think if you included a Mobu arc early the first act would be golden.

The second act...I'm torn. I think the thriller take could be really cool but I also think the Amazon notes were good; a quirky road trip romantic comedy could be a lot of fun. Reviewing what's written, the thriller: I think it flows quickly but I think the thugs at the Bumblebee are a giveaway that the Dreamz encounter is a sham. I think if they miss them at the internet cafe...perhaps because they are changing diapers...you could increase tension without giving D'Mario's nature away.

Also by the time we reach Bumblebee I was disappointed that there wasn't more interaction between Owen and Mobu, the road seems a good time for them to get better acquainted. I know she's a woman of few words but if you want MoBu as a credible competition for Jessica, then I think MoBu has to be more interactive, earlier.

Also about the Journey: I think the hotspots can be revealed in a different way to better effect. Yes there is clarity in offering them like you did but it would build tension if they found out the hotspots on the road.


I think I should also say that I'm planning on submitting a rewrite proposal, one of the many who will, but I do think your original is a cool. Good luck with whatever else you're working on.

Thanks for turning me onto draft three.

The intro is much better than the previous version. I think you can amp up the screamers so they make a more visual impact on the screen without sacrificing their vulnerability.

Blue and the others of her ilk as written would look to a bystander like odd-birds in their rubber outerwear but i think the story would benefit by giving them more of a presence. Perhaps they look scar, but we discover that despite their looks they are vulnerable?

Suggestion, the screamers go into trances when using their site. They look kind of freaky when using their gifts. Perhaps Kathy is a "scribe" she touches the wall and goes into somekind of convulsive trance, during which she scrawls directions to the location of the body of the murdered wife. When she's finished, she slips the directions under her door to a deputy waiting outside.

Perhaps, Blue's eyes roll back in her head when she's tracking the rapist? Maybe she glides down into the subway station. And people are freaked out. Perhaps only the presence of the police escort keeps them from panicking?

I think you could offer a POV showing her trance vision. Maybe it looks something like the scene in Lord Of The Rings where the Ranger slips on the Ring...he sees into another dimension, the nazgul approaching. But in this case, the object of her search is illuminated somehow. I think this would add a fun slightly macabre flavor to the story.

Also I like her paranoia about being watched. I think you could take that a bit further. Blue has problems...perhaps there is someone capable of quelling her fears? He talks her down, so to speak?

About the revelation that Kathy and many others of her kind are dead or missing: I think this should unfold over the first act....we discover on page thirty that Kathy isn't alone...and that it's likely one of her kind. I think discovering this knowledge could be interesting. The intro to the movie "Se7en" comes to mind. Of course, it doesn't have to be that graphic. I really like that film but it was difficult to watch.


Additionally, I think the first 13 pages could be tighter. What if you have the FBI agents at the crime scene as Blue investigates. Her finding the rose could then lead straight in to the chase of the rapist.


Hope the suggestions help. Again, loved your premise!!!!!

I freaking love this premise! I think it could be an excellent film.

BUT

I feel that it needs a rethink. The intro dialogue feels a bit clumsy...too banal. (In comparison to the huge potential for the premise.)

Perhaps she's with the police, hot on the trail of the rapist instead of in the car? It would make for a faster paced intro if she guided them directly.

Also, there is a better way to intro her powers and her abhorrence of being touched. It could be really good element to discover the hard way: they're hot on the perps trail, on the verge of catching him when...SHRIEK! In the confusion the perp escapes.

Also, I don't think the real time scrying of the target works. I know there must be complications with this power later on in the movie but the from what I saw it seems too easy. To me it'd work better if her visions offered clues to identity or perhaps even location but they require a certain amount of decryption. Perhaps this would require her being paired with a brilliant partner? I think this would offer a bit more mystery and would give her partner a real role besides being the muscle.

I'm think about what makes this premise really special to me. I think I read a Dean R. Koontz novel with a clairavoyant who has visions of a serial killer...I don't recall the name, was it Servants of Twilight? The bad guy, was really powerful, had the power of telekenesis, could move things with his mind. Well anyway, the story had this kind of haunting tone to it. To me, this story premise could offer a beautiful haunting tone. I think if done right it could set "Touching Blue" apart from the other mutant/psychic stories.

OK, so enough of what I think. I just get a little carried away when I see a premise that I think could make an excellent film. Good luck with it. I hope its a great film and everyone makes tons of money.