MITCHELL L MCLEAN

A well-written story that I did not care for in the least. The villains were too one-dimensional.

I would love to read a story of yours in which you have no personal or political stake. I expect that it would be quite good.

This is my first review, so take from it what you will. :-)

Overall, I thought the script was well-written. I had no trouble following the narrative.

I would have preferred less passive voice, but it didn't suck me out of the story, like it sometimes does.

John Ridley wrote something along the lines that description shouldn't contain the word "then". I'm with him. The word is almost always unnecessary. Having said that, it didn't really distract from my enjoyment, so I'll shut up about it. :-)

A couple pieces of description (noted below) seemed to be more notes to yourself than intended for the reader. Every time you give the reader a choice between multiple options, it stops the story. It only happens a few times.

You provided no description at all for a number of characters. A little something would have been nice, even for minor roles, to help me visualize the movie.

(Much of this is just me being picky.)

pg 1 - "...a Nissan, or maybe an Acura." -- Please pick one, so I can just see it without having to stop and think about it.

pg 2 - 4:22 (AM), not PM.

pg 4 - "...the wom(E)n outnumber..."

pg 1/9 - Matt's in his mid-20s, but was born 10-29-75... making this the year 2000 or so. Intentional? If so, you need to make sure cars and stuff are all of the proper vintage.

pg 14 - Missed opportunity to specify magazines. Are they dead publications like LIFE & LOOK? Or are they of interest to those in the afterlife?

pg 42 - "...rotten Leg (EGG)." Intentional?

pg 57 - Lea would likely know what fries are. Thomas Jefferson wrote about them. She might wonder what sodium benzoate tastes like, from reading package ingredient labels.

pg 64 - The final 2 paragraphs, about the television and the moth's POV, seem like notes to yourself. Maybe it's the lack of specificity and the use of "maybe".

pg 70 - Same as above for the choice of Muzak playing. PICK ONE! I vote "Sympathy for the Devil" or "Danse Macabre".

pg 75 - "We (may) notice that..."
pg 75 - "Hunter moves next to the back w(A)ll, and..."

pg 77 - "The(N) we use this again --"

pg 80 - "Tom is (sort of) in the point position..."
pg 80 - "Tom risk(S) a quick look back..."

pg 81/82 - Why didn't they just remove fairy dust from the machine and keep flying?

pg 100 - Do these plastic boxes actually exist attached to electrical poles? I've only seen them on bucket trucks.

pg 101 - MATT (not Tom) gives Hunter a shove. Tom's on Dave's back.

pg 103 - How is Hunter DRESSED when we see him? RED boxers?
pg 103 - It would be helpful here to remind us who Dirk is. We didn't see him for a long time & I forgot.

pg 104 - "...and throws (HIM) out into the main room."

pg 105 - Hunter's transition seems too quick. He needs more steps in his transition from evil to good. Maybe more of an "Oh God! What have I done?" to himself before he addresses Matt with a "(PLEASE) don't hate me."

pg 106 - What does Matt's t-shirt read? If you don't know, how would I? Offhand, I vote "I DIED HORRIBLY, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT". But I hope you can top that. :-)

pg 108 - You don't introduce KIT.
pg 108 - From what Kit says, I assume that the cake is not Angel Food. What IS it?

Tracy is age 15, but still has a baby tooth, which she should have lost by 12 or so.

If adult teeth are as good as baby teeth, why not just raid graveyards? It would certainly make exhumations more interesting. :-)

Why not animal teeth?

I know the REAL WORLD/AFTERLIFE device MUST be accessible from both worlds for the plot device to work, but how CAN it be? And why is MONEY accessible from both worlds?

LEA is a Guardian Angel. Why not a Fairy Godmother? That would seem to be more on equal terms with a Tooth Fairy. A Guardian Angel would probably lord it over a lowly fairy. (Maybe this is just a personal problem on my part.)

I liked much of the story, but I'm not sure what the market would be for it. It's not a kid-friendly movie, with the unprotected/protected sex stuff. But it's not a particularly grown-up story, either.

As a story for grown-ups, the ending wasn't very satisfying for me. Wow. he found his true platonic love. Yawn. Give him his wiener back!

God could decide to reward Lea and Matt by letting them be reborn into the real world, for another chance at love. Lea kisses Matt and says "Find me." in some way that harkens back to their earlier game of tag. Lea is reborn and placed in the baby viewing room in the maternity ward. As her new Fairy Godmother appears and talks about how He is a big softy who WANTS people to find love, we discover that baby Matt is in the next crib. With a WIENER! (Though that can simply be implied). :-)

OR you could make it more of a children's tale. Might be best to wait and see what AS is pushing this year.