Brittainy

Good read! I love the premise of the story with the kids going off to space and such. It had a kind of X-men/Harry Potter feel about it.

There are a few things that tripped me up a bit and I hope you find my review helpful, because you have a great talent!

Story structure:

The structure of this was a bit rough for me. It started off strong, and the freezing of the bullies and such was cool. I was hoping for more of that. But then when Fintan first meets the head of the space program he's so concerned with his family and leaving his family. Yet, then the next scene is his father being so harsh to him.

I think it would be cool if that was flipped around. If we could see Fintan's family dynamic beforehand, to get a feel as to way he would want to move away so badly. (IE: Harry Potter's aunt and uncle treated him like crap. He felt alone in the world.) I think Fintan should get to a point of such boredom with the world due to his 'gifts' and WANT something new.

The family scene just seemed out of place and a way to say 'okay, Go Fintan!' It wasn't built up well enough, and the family never showed up again. I was waiting for them to be put in danger or something.

Also, around the second act (pages 30-60ish) nothing really happened. There was a lot of talk about things that didn't move the story ahead. Why didn't Fintan want to tell the girl about the drawings? But then he was so easy to tell her later on. Why did Zack mention his father used to be a pilot but then the story of his father never truly came up again?

And, following the save the cat example, the 'all is lost' moment should be around page 75. The moment when something 'dies'. We don't get that in this script. It's just Fintan and the Native American family dumping a bunch of exposition on us towards the end. It was just an overload of information I think.

Character:

I think you did a good job with characters! Yet, there were moments where I questioned a few things. Like Zack saying 'hell' at a point, where no other language of sorts was used. It just seemed out of place.

Also, sometimes it seems that all of the girls seemed alike. A little quirks for certain characters would move the story ahead.

Why exactly couldn't Fintan see his family and everyone else could? It also reminded me of Harry Potter with the Christmas scene.

Dialogue:

It was good. There were times when certain things like 'there is no try' (Star Wars moment) stood out wayyy too much for me. But thats just me :)

Emotion:

I felt a bit cheated. That everyone was pretty much killed off out of nowhere. Having main characters die seems a bit heavy for a family show. If you're killing someone off for kids movies, it has to be done in such a way. I'm not sure that this worked for me. (But again that's just me)

I also feel that the kids wouldn't really understand the whole 'fifth world' concept. Maybe try explaining or showing somehow to make it more clear?

I hope that this review helps! If you want anymore of my thoughts by all means ask! I wish you the best with this! You are extremely talented :)