Ernie Johnson (Lowell, MA 01850)

The overall premise of this story is good, even though I am not really into love stories.

I marked the dialogue as fair, in that there were far too many what I would call incomplete comments.

I hate being critical of someone else's work, because I hate hurting other's feelings.

I rated this version as needing work because it does. I didn't mark every error I found down, but in the first six pages alone I found three

Page one - The last line
page four - Jake is talking should be (I am NOT like 25)
page six - Alisa is talking to Emma, not to Alisa

These are the things that will kill a screenplay when viewed by a producer

Don't give up. Your premise is good, the overall story structure is good, your characters are realtively good. Strengthen your dialogue. And the emotion is good.