Jonathan Weeston (Los Angeles)

You have mentioned that a new draft is on the way, and I hope that it has addressed some of what I'm about to write.

After reading the first ten pages I had to stop. Right now, the script doesn't read like a script. I don't mean because of the formatting and technical issues, but, rather, it reads like prose. There are descriptions and adjectives and adverbs that have no place in a script. A massive edit needs to be done before anything else that simply erases all of the prose and flowery language from the direction.

For example, in your opening page you describe what we (the readers) are looking at in such a way that it almost seems as if you think we're familiar with this type of place. What are "excellent buildings" for example? Excellent in what way? What does a middle-class building look like for an alien race we've never seen before? What does middle-class mean?

You go on to describe your first character, Irok, as a 'spawn type demon.' What does that look like, though? I can't see into your head and know what a spawn type demon looks like. Then, you go on to describe him by saying "sort of a blue-greeish runny eyes." What are runny eyes? And, why say "sort of"? You're the writer telling your readers what this guy looks like. You can't say he 'sort of' has certain features. He either does or he doesn't.

You describe the girl as being a member of the race "krelian" but don't tell us anything about what that looks like. You say, "an innocent type race." But, again, what does that mean? What are we meant to be seeing on screen at that very moment. We can't see innocence. We can't see whatever it is you're trying to convey here, and we won't ever be able to unless you describe things in a way that is visible to the mind.

Finally, a lot of your direction includes language that isn't necessary. Your direction needs to be precise and to the point. Don't tell us any more than what we need to know for the story to make sense. You have art directors to fill rooms with stuff that isn't plot-central, and you have makeup and costume people who will decide what things should look like on the actors. If Irok is a slob and a junkie, just say he is a slob and a junkie. Don't say things like, "his dirty, coarse fingertips..." Not unless that is important to the overall plot and/or character development.

Make all of your direction simple and to the point. Paint a broad picture and don't get caught up in the specifics.

Will review and read more when your new draft is made available.

I've just read the first 40 pages of this latest version, and overall I think it is a very good story. You understand the 'rules' for this world almost off the bat; you're given several scenes of action which aren't slowed down by character exposition, and it 'feels' like a movie rather than just a fantasy story.

Several things, though...

First of all, the dialogue needs some TLC. Some of it seems like it is forced, while other times it feels like the only reason characters are talking is to reveal information. I'd recommend reading your script aloud with a few friends to see how the dialogue sounds when spoken. It can be much different than how it sounds in your head.

Additionally, there are, in my opinion, too many references to your own fantasy names. People are talking about kingdoms and the names of gods and so on, and to a person that is just coming into this world it can be a little overwhelming. I don't mean dumb things down...I just mean that you should consider more generic references. Like, if a character is in the kingdom of whats-it-called and under the care of priests who worship the goddess Jo-Jo and he is named John Q, just make sure that all of those named things are necessary for the audience to understand. If they can figure things out without all the names being dropped on them, consider not dropping them. This is a new IP (intellectual property) after all. You aren't talking about well-known fictional places and themes.

Another thing I'd add is that the opening scene, while action-packed and very well done at establishing the themes and concepts of your world, needs something to come before it, I feel. Not an additional scene, mind you; but some kind of establishing notes or cues to let us know where we are. Start off with a globe of the world, perhaps, that immediately lets the audience know they aren't in Kansas. Or, just start off a little pulled back from the action in the surrounding forest/field/etc and give us an establishing shot. Maybe like a rolling shot over and through the woods while the cheers of the two armies grows louder (rough example). Let us see the world the character's occupy -- just a little bit at least -- before showing us said characters.

Finally, it takes a long time to establish who the main character(s) are. Too long, in my opinion. We have what the audience might view as the main character at the beginning of the story who is fighting the battle for his country, but then the next few scenes don't feature or mention him at all. Where is he? Who is he? And, are any of these characters we're seeing on-screen now anything more than supporting cast members?

Consider finding a way to establish who the main character(s) are in a more timely manner. You don't want the audience to be guessing who they should be routing for during the first 20 minutes of screen time.

Good luck with future drafts, sir. Look forward to following this as it progresses.

What I mean by my review title is that your script has a ton of angles and plot twists and revelations...but, someone it's just not enough to push this script over the edge and into excellence.

In fact, I would almost say that the script's main problem is that it tries to do too much. There is a plot and subplot, and there is a metaphoric use of fire (at least that's how I read it), but then there are also the twists and turns and revelations and more twists...

I don't think they are all needed. I think you could get down to the root of this story -- a man looting an elderly man's home -- and develop something remarkably more satisfying that what you have now. You don't need the subplot with Raymond's son, and you almost don't need the subplot with RJ's partner (though, it is interesting, and would make for a good 3rd act). You also don't need for RJ to get into a safe, and you don't need there to be a will and testament that is adjusted for him. In fact, that whole notion just seemed a little on the line of absurdity.

What I would do is just start off with RJ having to return to the home he just looted to avoid the police, and then is thrown into a moral dilemma about whether to save, leave or kill the old man before the fires get to the house. That concept ALONE makes for a good story, and could make an excellent script. If you leave in RJ's partner's return as a event/occurrence then you're heightening the action/drama in the 3rd act, and you put more pressure on the decision(s) RJ has to make.

Additionally, I wouldn't have Raymond speak at all. His power as a character could easily come from his lack of communication abilities...except, perhaps, RJ could eventually figure out that Raymond can blink once for yes and twice for no.

Finally, I would re-do the ending and make it less happy. I think it is non-suited for the overall dark tone of the script, and that the ending should be more morose. It doesn't have to be sad and depressing, but perhaps more 'realistic.'

Anyway, I look forward to reading future drafts of this, if you decide to keep on pursuing this story.

The problem I had with this script was that the (many) authors who have now tackled this script still haven't been able to come up with a movie that is "realistic." Meaning, from the moment I started reading this it just felt forced. It felt like people were honestly trying too hard.

The concept is what's funny and amusing here, but as it is currently executed it just doesn't deliver. It appears as if a bunch of comedy writers have just come together to do punch-up on a script that wasn't very good to begin with.

It is a farce when it could be a satire. It is corny where it could be creative. It is silly where it could be somber.

Having the American forefather's call each other names and drink and be slightly-foul mouthed is kind of funny...but, again, only on paper. Once you apply it to a full length script it gets old very, very quickly. In fact, that's the problem with this movie on the whole. It would be a great short film or viral video, but I don't think it has the power right now to be a successful feature film.

As-is, the joke and premise die off around page 20 and are never regained. How many historical references can you make in one script? And how many jokes can you make about them? Apparently, the answer is hundreds of them. Only a handful that are either a.) funny or b.) relevant and relate-able to today's audience. You are just not going to get big laughs by making jokes about Washington being a girl, or anything else like that. You're just going to get crickets...and that's exactly what I felt like I was hearing as I finished the script last night.

The movie/concept needs to be taken back to formula, honestly. It needs to be re-made and re-written as an action/adventure/comedy along the lines of "National Treasure." Right now it reads more like a sequel to "Your Highness."

Many of the references to historical events need to be trimmed down (yes, I guess you could say "dumbed down"), much of the humor needs to be completely removed, and the overall tone and atmosphere needs to be updated and made more 'adult-like.' Again, this almost reads like a stoner comedy for teenagers, except instead of drug references we have historical references. Instead of 20-something characters that college kids can relate to we have 40-50 year old men in pantaloons.

Again, the concept is good...the execution, however, needs much improvement.

Overall, I liked this script. It had a good story, some good action you could see in your head, and a satisfying conclusion.

But, with that said, I just feel like I've seen this movie before. Someone else said "Push" and I have to agree. It feels very similar to that, and sometimes honestly feels more like a pilot for a TV series rather than a movie script.

The writing is not bad and the script is not bad...I just think that it needs a little something extra to push it apart from the competition. Right now it seems like a script that many of us are already familiar with, and when you had a chance to do something new/interesting you seemed to go the safe route instead.

I'd like to follow this as you and other work on it more, though. It definitely has potential.

First of all, this is incredibly long. That's not to say that the story itself is bad, but by the time you get to the end(?) you're at 159 pages. That's close to a three hour movie that's coming from an non-established intellectual property. There is almost no chance whatsoever that a company would take a risk on a three hour epic sci-fi film that isn't Star Trek or Star Wars.

Secondly, I get that it's a sci-fi story, but there is an INCREDIBLE amount of "made-up" words and concepts. In the first 30 pages alone we are given almost 100 new words to try and memorize or at least keep relevant. We're given planet names, prophecy names, species names, and more. I'm not saying that you should cut them out as concepts...I'm just saying that your audience is never going to remember all of the new lingo you're creating just for this story. Especially on their first watch.

Instead of calling everything and everyone by specific, "alien" names you should try and find just a few key ones for your audience to remember. Trust me when I say that the average viewer is not going to remember the differences between species and the different planets unless they are few and far between. If some of the words are just appearing in throw-away bits of dialogue that's fine; but, for the most part, edit them down. Also on this topic: I wouldn't make two important types of species/beings have names that start with the same letter. Make them as drastically different from each other as possible if you want them remembered easily.

My next point is about your ending. Is it actually an ending? It ends with the word "SHRIMPFRIEDRICE." Honestly, I felt a little duped. I mean there isn't even a fade to black. And, if the story is NOT done at this point, you really need to condense it down or cut it up into multiple stories.

Another point to make is that the overall dialogue needs some work and TLC. The people seem to be talking AT each other rather than TO each other. Many scenes of dialogue left me feeling that the whole point of the conversation was to inform me of what was going on, what had happened in the past, or what could possible happen in the future.

This is a sci-fi movie! Replace the long bits of dialogue with sci-fi action!

Finally, the story is complicated. Too complicated. I'm not saying that I didn't "get it" or that I couldn't follow it...I'm just saying that it's complicated. There is SO MUCH happening in this script. There are prophecies and battles and romance and friendships...and then you get to act 2. And then there are more planets and fights and revelations...and then you get to act 3. You see what I'm saying?

What I would do is go back to the drawing board and look at what you had in mind when this idea first came to you. You need to get this massive script down to around 90-100 pages, and to do that you need to lose almost an hour of action/plot. You can do it easily enough, but you're going to have to lose some of the side-plots and details, as well as lose some characters by merging their personalities into a handful of people.

We are literally asked, as your reading audience, to keep up with and remember close to 30 characters. This is on TOP of trying to figure out what the rules of this story's world are, e.g. can people fly, do they have special abilities, is their magic, how does it work, etc.

Condense the plot. Condense the characters. Condense the new words.

Then, go back and condense it all again.

This isn't a bad attempt at a first draft, honestly. But, I have the feeling that you just had so much you WANTED to see included that you haven't yet accepted that you will have to cut over a third of it to be within any kind of realistic length. If people want more details and more explanations for things you can always go back and add it in.

The best thing to do when writing your next draft is this: cut everything you can until you can't cut anything more. Get the story down to its bare, bare bones. Give us no extra characters or dialogue or exposition or action than what we absolutely NEED to understand the story. Then, get some feedback, take all the constructive criticism you can handle and write a third draft that goes back and adds/cuts as deemed necessary.

This is an epic story with an epic length and scope...but you need to show us clearly that you know what the story is actually about, as well as give us a good, strong ending.

Look forward to reading future drafts, and remember never to take any of these reviews personally. No one writes the perfect first draft, no matter how experienced and talented they are.