Kareem Jordan (New York)

This is a hard script to review because it has so many possibilities. You introduce many concepts that can go many ways. But as it is, you don't have a coherent story. I always write a logline before starting a script. The Protagonist wants a Goal and Opposition stands in her way. Your script doesn't really stick with anyone long enough to make them a protagonist, except maybe Nemus; but he doesn't face any real opposition until late in the script.

You should decide who your main character is and let that decide how you tell your tale. You can have Michael be a disgruntle priest who slowly learns he's an angel. You can write a coming of age tale centered around Jeremy finding out who he is and finding his siblings. You can even write about Anita caught between her addiction with Michael and Nemus guiding her in opposite directions. But you need a protagonist, and you have at least three existing characters to choose from.

Speaking of Nemus, I'm not sure how you want him to come off. The beginning of your screenplay seems to want to go dark, but Nemus acts like a cartoon villain.

There were some repeated formatting mistakes. Part of that seems to be whatever software you used to write the script. If you don't want to shell out cash for the expensive industry leaders, you can download Celtx for free. Here are some of the formatting problems:

* The Title page shouldn't count as page one. If you used a template, there's probably a way to fix this in your word processor.

* Whenever we first see a character, her name should be capitalized. You can add their age and a short description afterwards. Also, you should probably use a single name for the priest in the beginning instead of the slash.

*Parentheticals are best used to clarify how a line is said if it's unclear. If you're going to put an action in one, it should be a small action, and it should never be used for a character that doesn't speak. Long or even medium descriptions go in the action tabs. If you use two within one speech, you have to format it like the first one.

*If a character has a disfigurement or anything, you should tell us when we first see him. If we don't see his face clearly, then you need to say so.

*Camera effects aren't part of a writer's job, neither is music unless it's coming from a source. If you want to make a room all red, just say something like "Red floods the room".

*When you writing multiple scenes in the same building, should write
INT. FAMILY'S HOUSE - SO & SO'S ROOM - NIGHT
Then, if you go into a different room, you can use a secondary heading, like
THE HALLWAY

*Your formatting for some montages and series of shots are off. It's just a series of 1's instead of a numbered list.

*For scenes that take place in someone's mind, the slug should be like
EXT. FIELD - DAY (VISION)

*You can't just indicate in the description that a significant amount of time has passed. If two homeless people call the police, then we need another slugline for when the police arrive, even if it's just LATER

*We can't fade in to a date. You should put the date as a "SUPER:" during the scenes when we're in the past so that the audience knows. If you want the director to know, it should be
EXT. CAVE - NIGHT (1996)

*The two instances of voice over are jarring as they aren't used throughout. And the information they give could be given with subtext or just visuals.

*When writing a spec, you should stick to What Can Be Filmed. Many times you write things that are unfilmable, like character thoughts or what they're about to do. The only exception is character introductions.

*You should limit your use of the verb "To Be," including verbs ending in "ing." It makes for weak writing. Instead of
"Priest is standing on the far side of the bed putting his pants on."
You could write:
"PREIST (40's) stumbles into his pants.

*You slip into past tense a few times. Remember to imagine what a camera sees and write it as vividly and briefly as possible.

*Give some details of the appearance of the demonic creatures.

*Try to cut the heads and tails off of your scenes. Like when Anita calls the doctor, the scene could just start with her on the phone as she cries "Is Dr Samuels in" and just cut to the next scene.

*When characters are outside buildings, keep it to something like
EXT. ANITA'S BUILDING - NIGHT or
EXT. ANITA'S BLOCK - NIGHT
No need to mention her stoop in a slug, definitely not an action she's taking.

I highly recommend The Screenwriter's Bible. If you want to talk about your idea or want suggestions, feel free to message me

I'll try not to give away too much of your script. I know you wanted a full read and I want to make sure no one uses my review to fake one. I'll be tackling each of the criteria in turn.

Premise
You use a writer. It's hard to make a writer's work interesting. Of course, your have a special framing device for your story. But it would be better if we saw something more interesting with it, maybe a little focus on the people. Everyone may not understand what a pitchfest is, you might want to make that a little clearer, maybe by giving short samples of the pitches from the other people there.

Story Structure
Your script is only 86 pages, and a few of those pages are after-credit stuff (which you could lose in my opinion). This may be one of the few times I've said something like this for feedback, but you could stand to add some pages. I wouldn't mind getting to know the characters more. The biggest inner conflict scenes involving the three main characters is really just a love subplot that only involves one of them.

Also, the first time you used your framing device, I wasn't sure what was going on. You use two types of scenes (you know what I mean). I think it would be better if they were different in tone

In my opinion, you should cut the scenes of people waking up, because so many screenplays start that way. I think starting at the pitchfest would work out fine. Again, I would cut the end because after-credit stuff isn't really part of a spec writer's job. And it all just seemed confusing.

Character
As I said, I could stand to have more development, which may be hard given your structure. Also, instead of using actual actors, which you know can and probably will be changed, why not use the beginning to create a trio of actors for the script. If your script sells, they'll probably be replaced with whoever gets the role anyway. And they don't seem to speak the way they would in real life, so it's not like it's crucial to the plot.

Dialogue
I found it strange that so many people use the term "Waffle" in such a short span of time. But other than that, I found it better than a lot of scripts I read from unsold writers. It didn't jump out at me or anything, but I see it more as the dialogue not drawing attention to itself. Aside from the waffle thing.

Emotion
I didn't really feel much during reading the script. Again, I think this is from focusing so much on the movie and not the trio. The scene near the end that was suppose to be emotional was really just jarring as it's a completely different tone than what we got. It seemed a little out of place.

In conclusion, I would be a lot more immersed if you focused more on character and less on the mechanics of the operation. If this was an action movie, character would be less important. But when you're making a movie about writing and filmmaking, we should get a lot of character to keep us interested. Twenty more pages should do wonders.

The idea of a President's FBI past coming back to haunt him is a good one, with a lot of potential in the right hands.

I think the script would improve greatly with a firmer grip of the basics in spec style. No directing from the page, all description in the present tense, and more distinct voices for the characters. There's also a few problems with plausibility.

But the premise shows a strong imagination that, when coupled with a grasp of screenwriting style and structure, should take the writer far.