Michael Buratovich (Spring Arbor, MI)

The Temple terrified me sometimes and left me shaking my head at other times. The setting of the story on the Hindu Kush is intriguing. However the interplay between the soldiers is poorly done. These are guys who have been in firefights with the Taliban. They have put their lives on the line for each other and now they are facing an enemy unlike any they have ever seen. It is the camaraderie and elan between them that will make or break them. That cohesive "band of brothers" spirit is completely missing in the script. The guys who survive the temple and the alluring call of the goddess make it out of there because they have something between them that transcends the tug of Kali. That is what should be the different between those who survive and those who do not.

Secondly, the Afghan woman whose brother falls under the goddess' spell is not a believable character. She went to school in America and then returned to help out her country, but she can read classical Arabic? Folks, very few people in Afghanistan who can even read can understand or read Arabic. The main languages of Afghanistan are Dari and Pashto. Near the border with Pakistan they speak Urdu, but Arabic is simply not spoken in Afghanistan. That this lady can read classical Arabic stretches credulity to the breaking point. I like the use of a native Afghan in this part, but why not make her a historian or something like that. This would explain her understanding of the goddess and her ability to read Arabic.

Third we are never really told about the men who raided the nearby village and took the men to the temple. Are they undead like the others in the temple? What ever happened to them? If they are Taliban terrorists, or they motivated by devotion to the goddess Kali and not Wahibi Islam? Those questions were never really answered and it is a huge hanging question that needs to be sewn up before this can come to the screen.

Fourth, if the men are drawn to the Temple the way the Greek sailors were drawn to the sirens, why can't the women at least hear it to some degree? Would Kali get a little miffed at the competition? Would she want to attack the women a do away with them? If seems unlikely that the women would hear nothing?

Finally, the scene with in which Moose goes after the boy all by himself is in violation of all standard operating procedure in the military. That would simply not happen, and the script needs to be adjusted at that point.

There are some positives to this movie, but there is also a lot of work to be done.

This test run has a lot to commend it. I like the characters, I like the premise, I like the main character's problems dealing with growing up and loneliness. From my perspective these things are all good.

Now to the improvements. First of all her gift is not believable. My gosh what is this woman, a GPS unit? It seems to me if she can sense where someone is it will be in a general sense and not a Google maps version of it. All this precise information localization about another person (200 miles north, just past Modesto on I-99) seems simply unbelievable. The feeling of a "tread that connects the person to the object" is a great way to talk about her gift, but I think she needs to have more of a vague sense rather than a GPS precision.

The villain was a great twist in the story, but she needs to be more of a contradiction and more of a Jekyll and Hyde personality.

Third I like Emma's character, but what if she could be introduced sooner in the story and be more of a stabilizing factor in Blue's life. The mentor-disciple relationship could add a dynamic to the story that the love story really fails to provide. Also, using sex to bring characters from their cataleptic state is rather unbelievable. It would be more believable to have little triggers or reminders of past friendships or events that bring characters into the open. If someone was in a cataleptic state, sex would simply not interest them if getting beat up did not affect them either.

Fourth, the agent in charge is a liar, but he needs to be made more complex. He honestly believes he is doing the right thing and the best thing for these talented children. He needs to have a deep Gordon G. Liddy-type complexity that he lacks in this rough draft.

Fifth, the viewer needs to develop more sympathy for Blue. She is someone who never chose the life she has or the terrible gifts she possesses, but she is not very likeable in the beginning. The sympathy the viewer feels for Blue makes you route for her. Without that sympathy, the story is simply not as engaging. Make her more sympathetic in the beginning, while respecting her obvious flaws, and the viewer will want to hang with her for the rest of the film.

This shows a lot of promise. I look forward to seeing it on the screen.

I found the story engaging. It kept my attention and also drove me to watch further. The use of airships was certainly a nice touch, and it made for a story line and moved at about the right pace.

The barnstormer character was a little too 2-dimensional for my taste. The one bit in the story when he told the story of his father's demise was the only real peak into what makes him tick. If his life story could somehow be developed more and woven into the story, it would make the story even better.

The British archeologist's-daughter-turned-agent was a little better than the barnstormer because we saw her loss at the very beginning of the movie. She seems a little too pollyanna to some extent to be believable. Given the way she worshiped her father, it is unlikely in the extreme that she would fall for someone so radically different from him. This, it seems to me, is the fulcrum that could swing the movie in the right direction. The tension between the agent and the barnstormer drives much of the storyline, but it is too forced and contrived to be completely believable. If her character could be made a bit more complex and the relationship more multilayered, this plot would really rock and roll.

I really like the supporting characters - the African-American cook who kicks butt and makes quick friends with the natives, the foul-mouthed Marine commander, and the hard-drinking airship pilot. They all provide comic relief, tense moments, and genuine fun.

This story has potential. IF the loose ends could be cleaned up, it could really be something special.