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My brain is wired toward great scripts and editing scripts. I am all about the story when writing.
Reviews I've Written
Romeo, Juliet, & Rosaline, Koji's Original Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
Funny dialog but the Story is lacking and I am not feeling love for the characters.
March 08, 2013
Whiplash, Lauri's Original Draft
2
out of
3
people found the following review helpful:
Lacks Spark, More Novel than screenplay. Needs something to React to, I don't feel the protagonist is defined well enough here.
February 21, 2013
Well it works as a short novel but at as screenplay it is too short.
Premise.
Original but the young girl’s revenge premiss is lacking to me.
Structure.
The first act it far too long to get to the point. The second act has obstacles but not major obstacles beyond a normal job obstacle or requirement. I swear I have seen the third act in a John Wayne Saturday movies.
Character.
Charlie does not seem to grow for me. I do not see our Hero’s rebirth here.
Stakes.
For as much as this is a story about Woman who can take care of herself and lived to be so strong this story makes her very frail as to taking care of herself.
She has a hard life as a child, then a hard life at 18, then a hard life until a man rescues her. The the final credits TELL us how great she went on to be?
Dialogue.
The dialogue is too “wordy”, too much flowery stuff and not clean as to the storytelling
Genre Conventions.
Not sure of the Genre, a Civil war Period piece Western?
Drop the first 26 pages. Take out the Production Design notes, the camera angles, the notes to the actors and it becomes a 50 page screen play.
Sure it might work for Lifetime TV but why not write a great screenplay.
What did I not like?
There is a lot of telling versus showing here.
The amount of time on her childhood that did not really have much to do with the story.
The cliché Southerns treatment with “nigras’ talking lynchers, slaves, Southern Gentlemen types, and Cousin Olivia who just disappears from the story.
Lack of foreshadowing until the last third of the movie.
Lack of subtext
Lack of suspension of disbelieve that a “beautiful” woman by American Standards could be mistaken for a man. I just don’t see FRANK’s need or desire to fall in love with here except that she is naked with him.
The Love story is thin, very thin. Two beautiful people falling in love is trite. Have you seen the work of Ernest Borgnine, a not so handsome man, and his films with Bette Davis where they enjoy true love and not just desire. I feel no desire between FRANK and CHARLIE except the “love” of two good looking people in a film
Why did this movie not begin with her begin of age and finding out her brother was killed by the REDHEADED guy? The childhood background does not show a grand connection to her brother. Then here brother, who looks like the protagonist, dies.
Then we have two protagonists moving through a parallel story? One trying to find the 6 Fingered Man and the other, well not sure what Frank is doing most of the time in the South.
The Villain, INGRAM, is not the protagonist, not sure I see a protagonist in here either. What is driving her, who is driving her? You could say that revenge is the protagonist in here because revenge is with her but I do not see Revenge driving her RE-ACTIONS to her life.
Why is she so focused on being a stage driver? I understand that she likes horses and does not want to be a Lady or someones wife but I don’t feel her need to be a stagecoach driver. She is not the best driver. I don’t see her exposure to the StageCoach business the drives her heart to be a driver. There seems many easier ways to seek revenge on someone.
We never see her disguise in that all she does is put her hair under her hat. Where is the binding, the face shaving, the glove wearing, the clothes being modified to hide her figure.
There is a lot of dialog that tells instead of shows. Much of the dialogue is just talking and not storytelling.
MRS. FLETCHER
You’ve no money and no family connections, and precious little in the way of feminine charms. Don’t think you’ll do any better. Not with so many men lost in the war.
Charlie won’t look at her.
MRS. FLETCHER
I’ve done my best for you, Charlotte, though you’ve always been a difficult, ungrateful child. Would you rather I turned you out to live in the gutter?
No answer.
I don’t understand the ELIZA COLLINS farm scene. Why does Charlie suddenly want to buy a farm, she has been broke the entire movie, and settle down? Sure it make is convenient for the ending.
The stage coach race, bad men behind rocks, a cut bridge support and then a gun fight? We have gone from a story about a Lady who becomes a stagecoach driver to exact revenge from a from a unknown guy over the death of her brother during a war to an action adventure movie.
You have a story but you don’t have a Story with a Spark. This is more novel than screenplay. I would rethink your use of pretty people in this story. The story of a homely woman seeking revenge and having to live animals and men to exact that revenge might be more interesting.
Premise.
Original but the young girl’s revenge premiss is lacking to me.
Structure.
The first act it far too long to get to the point. The second act has obstacles but not major obstacles beyond a normal job obstacle or requirement. I swear I have seen the third act in a John Wayne Saturday movies.
Character.
Charlie does not seem to grow for me. I do not see our Hero’s rebirth here.
Stakes.
For as much as this is a story about Woman who can take care of herself and lived to be so strong this story makes her very frail as to taking care of herself.
She has a hard life as a child, then a hard life at 18, then a hard life until a man rescues her. The the final credits TELL us how great she went on to be?
Dialogue.
The dialogue is too “wordy”, too much flowery stuff and not clean as to the storytelling
Genre Conventions.
Not sure of the Genre, a Civil war Period piece Western?
Drop the first 26 pages. Take out the Production Design notes, the camera angles, the notes to the actors and it becomes a 50 page screen play.
Sure it might work for Lifetime TV but why not write a great screenplay.
What did I not like?
There is a lot of telling versus showing here.
The amount of time on her childhood that did not really have much to do with the story.
The cliché Southerns treatment with “nigras’ talking lynchers, slaves, Southern Gentlemen types, and Cousin Olivia who just disappears from the story.
Lack of foreshadowing until the last third of the movie.
Lack of subtext
Lack of suspension of disbelieve that a “beautiful” woman by American Standards could be mistaken for a man. I just don’t see FRANK’s need or desire to fall in love with here except that she is naked with him.
The Love story is thin, very thin. Two beautiful people falling in love is trite. Have you seen the work of Ernest Borgnine, a not so handsome man, and his films with Bette Davis where they enjoy true love and not just desire. I feel no desire between FRANK and CHARLIE except the “love” of two good looking people in a film
Why did this movie not begin with her begin of age and finding out her brother was killed by the REDHEADED guy? The childhood background does not show a grand connection to her brother. Then here brother, who looks like the protagonist, dies.
Then we have two protagonists moving through a parallel story? One trying to find the 6 Fingered Man and the other, well not sure what Frank is doing most of the time in the South.
The Villain, INGRAM, is not the protagonist, not sure I see a protagonist in here either. What is driving her, who is driving her? You could say that revenge is the protagonist in here because revenge is with her but I do not see Revenge driving her RE-ACTIONS to her life.
Why is she so focused on being a stage driver? I understand that she likes horses and does not want to be a Lady or someones wife but I don’t feel her need to be a stagecoach driver. She is not the best driver. I don’t see her exposure to the StageCoach business the drives her heart to be a driver. There seems many easier ways to seek revenge on someone.
We never see her disguise in that all she does is put her hair under her hat. Where is the binding, the face shaving, the glove wearing, the clothes being modified to hide her figure.
There is a lot of dialog that tells instead of shows. Much of the dialogue is just talking and not storytelling.
MRS. FLETCHER
You’ve no money and no family connections, and precious little in the way of feminine charms. Don’t think you’ll do any better. Not with so many men lost in the war.
Charlie won’t look at her.
MRS. FLETCHER
I’ve done my best for you, Charlotte, though you’ve always been a difficult, ungrateful child. Would you rather I turned you out to live in the gutter?
No answer.
I don’t understand the ELIZA COLLINS farm scene. Why does Charlie suddenly want to buy a farm, she has been broke the entire movie, and settle down? Sure it make is convenient for the ending.
The stage coach race, bad men behind rocks, a cut bridge support and then a gun fight? We have gone from a story about a Lady who becomes a stagecoach driver to exact revenge from a from a unknown guy over the death of her brother during a war to an action adventure movie.
You have a story but you don’t have a Story with a Spark. This is more novel than screenplay. I would rethink your use of pretty people in this story. The story of a homely woman seeking revenge and having to live animals and men to exact that revenge might be more interesting.
CANNIBAL RUN, Pete's 1st Draft
0
out of
0
people found the following review helpful:
92 page treatment and not a screenplay, yet
February 19, 2013
This is more of a novel than a screenplay. The screenplay formatting is barely there. There are camera directions. The descriptions have thoughts and smells that are of no use the viewing audience.
This reads more like a 92 page treatment with dialogue.
You might want to upload a fresh copy of this script as it is formatted funny in 2 columns when it was made into a PDF. You cannot selected the text without getting 2 separate columns
The crux of the Story is told more than show on page 5.
Page 6.
Like jungle savages, OFF ROAD VEHICLES with human skulls and zombie-body-part trophies tear through the foliage in a kamikaze death charge. A makeshift squad of crazies who must’ve had Road Warrior in their Netflix queue before the world went down the crapper.
How is the audience to know this? Is “Trucker” saying this? Are these Production Design notes?
Behind him, the WHINING of ENGINES. It’s a trap!
INT. TRUCK - CAB The trucker reaches for a can of beer, pops it open, drinks.
Behind him, the familiar whine of engines, the Scavengers are coming, they never stop. Assholes.
INT. MOUNTAIN OVERPASS
The Truck moves forward cautiously. Its headlights cut through the gloom.
Doesn’t seem so bad. ...yet...
I got to about page 10 before giving up on taking notes and just read till the End. The sturcture of the current draft makes it hard to comment on specific items such as:
Hero death and rebirth
Foreshadowing
Subtext
Look it is a good story, but not a screenplay yet.
This reads more like a 92 page treatment with dialogue.
You might want to upload a fresh copy of this script as it is formatted funny in 2 columns when it was made into a PDF. You cannot selected the text without getting 2 separate columns
The crux of the Story is told more than show on page 5.
Page 6.
Like jungle savages, OFF ROAD VEHICLES with human skulls and zombie-body-part trophies tear through the foliage in a kamikaze death charge. A makeshift squad of crazies who must’ve had Road Warrior in their Netflix queue before the world went down the crapper.
How is the audience to know this? Is “Trucker” saying this? Are these Production Design notes?
Behind him, the WHINING of ENGINES. It’s a trap!
INT. TRUCK - CAB The trucker reaches for a can of beer, pops it open, drinks.
Behind him, the familiar whine of engines, the Scavengers are coming, they never stop. Assholes.
INT. MOUNTAIN OVERPASS
The Truck moves forward cautiously. Its headlights cut through the gloom.
Doesn’t seem so bad. ...yet...
I got to about page 10 before giving up on taking notes and just read till the End. The sturcture of the current draft makes it hard to comment on specific items such as:
Hero death and rebirth
Foreshadowing
Subtext
Look it is a good story, but not a screenplay yet.
"4", Jamster's 7th Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Commander Bond Saves Europe but this is not a Screenplay; It is an action novel
February 18, 2013
4 -- 7th Draft
James H.S Whitcher
Feb 18, 2013
Opening remarks as the screenplay is being read:
Backup a moment and learn what a screenplay versus a shooting script is.
NO camera directions, NO POV’s, NO montages, NO actor directions, NO production design elements, NO set directions, NO costumes. NO credits rolling.
Use the correct industry standard format for screenplays you want reviewed or it makes it very hard for the reviewer to read your screenplay.
Typos and autocorrect problems. Print out your screenplay on paper and proofread it. Have other proofread it. Verb tense mistakes or the wrong spelling of a homonym are distracting to the reader.
John grabs Bridget’s hand and they RUN straight for the four feet foot high
Why do we care about the people in this movie and the Bombs? What is with the Snake?
What is your Spark? Is it someone puts some bombs in some cities and some guy is trying to find someway to save them? Where is the reason for this movie?
Up to Page 8
Not a screenplay so far just a Novel with camera angles.
Cliché characters. Are you going after a Dirk Pitt type character here? Or is this a James Bond comes out of retirement movie? How is the audience, the people in the movie theatre going to know his background?
The woman is BRIDGET SMYTH; a pilot in the US Air Force; contemplates quitting, only six months of duty left. A frustrated ‘wannabe’ fighter pilot without a squadron; definitely one of the boys but every single inch a woman.
How is your audience suppose to deduce this?
Page 9...
If you... see... the same punctuation ...repeatedly ....on the same page.... then you ....are doing it... wrong.
Page 12
JOHN
Beachcroft. And we’re no tourists,
so save us the scenic...
Cliché
Page 40
Finally a reference to time. You set the story up with 44 hours but only now we are told there are only 20 left?
Page 45
44 minutes into the movie and Bridget still has not done all that much.
Page 54
I have no idea how your hero is finding all these Mines? The crater in the road is okay but how did he know the truck was coming? why not just wait and blow up the crane?
Why does he even need to be there for the Crane, have to fly in on an F-16. Why not just mobilize locals to stop the crane with an ambush?
Okay, I read all 101 pages of the Script and this not a screenplay in that it is missing several elements of Story.
You don’t have a hero, you just have a guy doing his job and a woman show seems to be helping him by escaping a lot.
Your ending with the children is from another movie I have seen. Don’t recall the name but I know the “children swarm to save hero” ending has been used before. Might have been an Indiana Jones scene even.
There is no Story just a guy running around and getting shot at by people for no reason.
There is no subtext to 99% of the scenes.
There is no proper foreshadowing. Sure there are plenty of foretelling camera shots but no foreshadowing in the Story.
You have to comply with industry standard formatting if you want the industry to make your movie.
As to the good stuff. Yes, it is clever and a thrilling read.
James H.S Whitcher
Feb 18, 2013
Opening remarks as the screenplay is being read:
Backup a moment and learn what a screenplay versus a shooting script is.
NO camera directions, NO POV’s, NO montages, NO actor directions, NO production design elements, NO set directions, NO costumes. NO credits rolling.
Use the correct industry standard format for screenplays you want reviewed or it makes it very hard for the reviewer to read your screenplay.
Typos and autocorrect problems. Print out your screenplay on paper and proofread it. Have other proofread it. Verb tense mistakes or the wrong spelling of a homonym are distracting to the reader.
John grabs Bridget’s hand and they RUN straight for the four feet foot high
Why do we care about the people in this movie and the Bombs? What is with the Snake?
What is your Spark? Is it someone puts some bombs in some cities and some guy is trying to find someway to save them? Where is the reason for this movie?
Up to Page 8
Not a screenplay so far just a Novel with camera angles.
Cliché characters. Are you going after a Dirk Pitt type character here? Or is this a James Bond comes out of retirement movie? How is the audience, the people in the movie theatre going to know his background?
The woman is BRIDGET SMYTH; a pilot in the US Air Force; contemplates quitting, only six months of duty left. A frustrated ‘wannabe’ fighter pilot without a squadron; definitely one of the boys but every single inch a woman.
How is your audience suppose to deduce this?
Page 9...
If you... see... the same punctuation ...repeatedly ....on the same page.... then you ....are doing it... wrong.
Page 12
JOHN
Beachcroft. And we’re no tourists,
so save us the scenic...
Cliché
Page 40
Finally a reference to time. You set the story up with 44 hours but only now we are told there are only 20 left?
Page 45
44 minutes into the movie and Bridget still has not done all that much.
Page 54
I have no idea how your hero is finding all these Mines? The crater in the road is okay but how did he know the truck was coming? why not just wait and blow up the crane?
Why does he even need to be there for the Crane, have to fly in on an F-16. Why not just mobilize locals to stop the crane with an ambush?
Okay, I read all 101 pages of the Script and this not a screenplay in that it is missing several elements of Story.
You don’t have a hero, you just have a guy doing his job and a woman show seems to be helping him by escaping a lot.
Your ending with the children is from another movie I have seen. Don’t recall the name but I know the “children swarm to save hero” ending has been used before. Might have been an Indiana Jones scene even.
There is no Story just a guy running around and getting shot at by people for no reason.
There is no subtext to 99% of the scenes.
There is no proper foreshadowing. Sure there are plenty of foretelling camera shots but no foreshadowing in the Story.
You have to comply with industry standard formatting if you want the industry to make your movie.
As to the good stuff. Yes, it is clever and a thrilling read.
Soul Survivor, Jackie's Original Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
A good Story, a good screenwriter. This needs a good editor to stitch scenes together a bit better. Well worth a read.
February 15, 2013
February 10, 2012
If you are reading this review online then read the screenplay. The screenwriter can write a screenplay. This is just her first draft and it needs editing, weeding and shortening as it reads about 2 hours currently.
It takes a while to see the Story but it is there. The story then wanders around and gets lost but she does write well.
-----
Formatting. Remember that when you create a screenplay you are only allowed a stack of paper, an erasers and a manual typewriter. NO fair using any font or special formatting.
Screenplays are about Story. Story is about persons and events in places and Time. A good screenplay does not confine itself to a single place nor time.
What is the “What IF” and “Why does the audience care” about our Story and Characters? It is Time Matters? Is it Taking the Time to do it Right Matters?
Why does Robbie’s job not have something to do with Time or Time Keeping? Maybe he is a Basketball/Football Ref, or the Timekeeper at games or Racetracks?
Up to HEAVEN on Page 21
Okay you are telling instead of showing. So far the first 20 pages reads like a bad Jim Cary movie.
Sure the idea of a character that finishes too early is good but you are missing something. He is not finishing early so much as cutting corners to do less work that is getting him into trouble.
Not sure what the opening has to do with the story yet.
The apartment is sparsely furnished with what could be mistaken for used furniture, nice enough, but old -- and in the foreground is an aquarium full of brightly colored
fish.
Why does the movie audience care about the furniture? What does does it tell us about Robbie? How would the audience mistake it for used?
Maybe the view should be seeing unfinished projects, the un-made bed, the un-tied shoe, the poorly dressed or half-ironed clothes. Show us things that say, “This is a man who never completes what he starts out to do.”
As he speeds by the stereo, he turns it on. It’s playing the tail end of something like Pat Benetar’s “WE BELONG”.
Will this stereo or song come back later? or is it Foreshadowing anything in the movie?
As the song finishes, the DJ begins his between-song banter.
DJ (O.S.)
It’s a balmy 78 degrees in the
city this morning, with the mercury
rising to a high of 85. Nothing but
sunshine for the next week, so it
looks like we’re in for a gorgeous
August weekend.
Is the weather going to be important to the story later?
In the kitchen, he grabs a cup of coffee, takes a sip, burns his tongue, and then dumps the coffee down the sink.
Dancing into the living room, Robbie shuts the window blinds.
How does the coffee and the blinds show us they type of person Robbie is?
What if he took the coffee from the machine by interrupting its working. Say he switches his cup for the pot and then does not put the cup back so the coffee drains on the burner.
What if he appears to set the blinds neatly but then leaves them handing askew or unclosed.
He sets the fish food container on the top cover, near the
heat gauge.
How do we, the audience, know that it is the heat gauge? Reverse the weather, make it a cold snap, but instead of adjusting the faulty heater he leaves the window open so the fish catch a cold or the tank freezes?
You foreshadow Tony Tibbs but you do not use him until an hour later in the movie [ I peaked] by that time the audience will have forgotten Tony Tibbs. [Also TIBBS is showing up as redlined in spell checker.]
-STEVEN COVEY’S 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE,
-DALE CARNEGIE’S HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE
-ANTHONY ROBBINS’S AWAKEN THE GIANT WITHIN.
Okay we have the book titles but nothing to show us he has not finished reading them or that he read them correctly. I would suggest maybe a library card date of some kind, of a message, phone audio, or over due notice?
The rude, not hurried, not unfinished rather rude street scenes don’t carry your value of unfinished. Perhaps he could have taken a cab but got out early
Red-headed and in her mid-twenties, Kim looks like a bee readying to sting in a black skirt, yellow blouse and black suit jacket.
Unless her appearance is relevant to the story then leave it to the Production Designer and Casting Agent to do.
ROBBIE
Are you ready for the St. Ives
presentation?
KIM
Just about.
ROBBIE
Handed the boss my assignment on
Monday.
KIM
He’ll get mine this morning, after a
final review. I want to make
sure my numbers are right.
ROBBIE
Ah, she who hesitates...
Ok Monday? when was Monday? What day is today? I am guessing you meant it to be Friday with your ‘Weekend’ mentioned in the radio weather report. Better to emphasize his early turn in by having him give us a clue. “Turned mine in four days early, two weeks ago, before he asked for it”
You need to show that he cuts corners because he wants to get out front.
A CROWD OF PEOPLE follow behind him and push him to the back. Robbie forces his way to the front of the elevator and annoys everyone around him.
Okay now you are on to something. Here you are showing how his jumping the gun is costing him effort. I would have left him stuck in the back so that he misses his floor because the crowd in the elevator purposely will not let him out. Then he has to take the stairs at the next stop and run down to meet her.
AT ROBBIE’S DESK
He throws his briefcase on the desk and turns on his computer.
Give the audience something here. he tosses his case too soon and breaks something on his desk or someone else desk, or the case spills something, or something in the case breaks. Show us how his corning cutting is penalizing his own life.
ANGELA (V.O.)
I’m so proud of you, Robbie. Your
father is, too.
ROBBIE
What? Proud I haven’t screwed
this job up yet?
His screwing up on the job shot from his Mother seems to come out of nowhere here. Could have been done with a Hallmark card from his mom at home before the call or an email or a card at his desk with flowers or ballon delivery.
Remember it is not his screwing up it is his rushing and cutting corners that is causing him to screwup.
ANGELA(V.O.)
I’m sure you’ll get it. Joe
owes your dad a favor.
Why does JOE ow DAD a favor? Do we know his Father is Dead? If so how? Simple fix
ANGELA(V.O.)
I’m sure you’ll get it. Joe
owes your dead Father a favor.
Now that we know his father is dead you can use the image of his dead father, his Ghost, as an Angel, as the God Figure later in the story?
I see that on Page 65 his Father is not dead, but you left his Father out of the Story for an hour? Come to think of it Angela disappears for an hour too.
Robbie holds the pen like a knife. He fakes a stabbing action, then throws the pen on his desk.
Looks like a Jim Cary move. Why is stabbing at her?
He pours his coffee, then speeds to GRETCHEN D’LARGO’S side.
Okay I get what is going on here. But you are telling us, literally she is speaking about how bad the date was because he cut everything short from dinner to the end of the movie.
This scene needs to happen with subtext as we are nearing the point where he ruins the presentation that gets him fired.
Could have been done over an office copier with the machine jamming. Or in the Stationary or Office supply room with a large paper cutter cutting the presentation flyers with lots of emphasis on cutting things short.
GRETCHEN
(whispers lower)
I’m sorry Robbie, but you’re going
somewhere in an awful hurry, and I’m
just not comfortable with that.
Okay “in an awful hurry” is important here. I may have been pushing for his corner cutting for costing him a good life which is different. To me cutting corners implies lazy and cheap. Getting somewhere in an awful hurry is about rushing to the end. So we may have a disconnect here. You have shown him being rude and jumping in front of people but that, to me, is not the same as being in a hurry to get someplace. There has only been one clock in the beginning.
I don’t see a sense of time and lateness or being in a hurry. No clocks, no hour glasses, no watches, no alarms to give a sense of time and hurry.
INT. JOE REMINGTON’S OFFICE – DAY
Why is he offering him Cigars? Robbie’s remark shows rudeness.
JOE
And you’re not thorough enough to
be placed on a big account. I’m
afraid I’m going to move you to
the smaller projects.
Emphasizing thoroughness and not Time. “big account” to a “smaller projects”. Needs more words denoting Time.
RAUL, the building maintenance man, walks by.
You introduced several characters that disappear for the Story completely after introduction?
From you description of Raul I was geared up for a Jesus reverence. Why is dressed they way he is dressed? Is it relevant to the story later?
ROBBIE
What’s wrong with me? Everything I
touch turns to shit.
So it is quality or Time?
SERIES OF SHOTS: ROBBIE’S A LOSER
A) Robbie swings and misses a baseball in little league. Father looks on from stands, angry.
Good start but we have to emphasize that his rushing made him miss the ba..
His father scolds him for being cut from the football team: You gonna be the water boy now? Or how about a cheerleader?
Not a Time failure here. He should have run to far to catch the ball.
Glares from dad over the top of a report card.
Where is the Time element?
D) Nameless girls squeal at him: get lost, Robbie.
E) Nameless women order him: get lost, Robbie.
Gretchen quietly saying to him: I don’t want to see you any more. Way too fast. Way too fast.
Where is the time element in woman rejecting him? How do you show earliness here? Giving a Happy 21’st card to a 12 year old? Doing a pregnancy test right after having sex? Giving her an at home pregnancy test kit as he leaves the first morning after spending the night for the first time?
G) His dead fish.
His father yells: You’re useless. You’re hopeless.You can’t be my son. When the hell will you ever do anything right?
I know where the fish comes from by what does his father’s speech have to do with TIME? The speech seems cliché to me.
EXT. BROOKLYN BRIDGE - DAY
Well the bridge death is okay. But where is the Time Element? Do you remember “Heaven Can Wait” with Warren Beatty? Buck Henry grabs Warren Beatty’s character from his body on the biycle in the Tunnel too early. Sort of the same idea but very different Story.
When I think of Time, and death in New York, or other Big Cities, I think of Trains. Trains have to run on time. Railroads have schedules, stations have clocks and conductors have watches all concerned with the exact time. I would have pushed him in front of Subway train. Perhaps someone in the waiting crowd who he cut in front of just snaps and pushes him in front of the train. Lots of clocks in a Train station/Subway station. Could move the Story to Chicago, LA, SF, Paris or London this way.
Soul Robbie jumps out but the Crowd or Hero grabs or snatches the body back just in time to save him.
While I am at it why does Robbie not have a Job that has something to do with Time?
EXT. TUGBOAT - LATER
Robbie regains consciousness on the floor deck of an old CHUGGING TUGBOAT.
To say “floor” on a boat implies a room interior. To say “deck” implies the outside floor surface of the boat.
A toothless oldster leans down and slaps Robbie’s face. Robbie doesn’t flinch.
FATTY
Is he dead?
just for a laugh you could have the 3 savers punch him in the belly in a crude attempt at CPR.
Good scene on the deck of the boat. you moved from one emotion to a completely different on. From worry about Robbie to hating him for being so rude to his rescuers.
GOD
(echoing)
You’re not welcome here.
Just to be over shouldering too much here, but would “You’re not welcome here, yet.”
ROBBIE
My shrink says it’s Obsessive
Compulsive a Disorder.
EXT. HEAVEN - DAY
All in all the basketball scene is good and it serves a purpose. Could be stronger on the emotional change. “Woot I am in heaven!”, “Oh God I need to get back”
To be too picky again I would have had is “Father” be dead in the story then bring Robbie’s father into this scene as an Angel instead of the direct link to God. But that changes several things in the story. Just a thought.
LONGHAIRED TEEN
(under his breath)
Psycho.
Good work with the connection of the teens before and now.
Choice of the word ‘Psycho’ seems a bit missing. Since Robbie is suppose to be soulless why does he care about “his building”? Why did he care about the building before? What is the foundation for his protecting the building? Does he own the building? Did his family own it? What is the attachment?
Turning on the garbage disposal, Robbie starts to mock a trumpet military song, and then he dumps the fish down the sink.
You mentioned Mix-master, to me that is a Blender. The visual of glass blender would be good, though disturbing, in a scene.
INSERT TV
END INSERT
FRASIER
(V.O.)
Go ahead caller. I’m listening.
Excellent, love this aside.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
This scene drags a bit. Together with the trying to get inside the body scene before it. perhaps more could be implied.
INT. ROBBIE’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Robbie strides into the living room. He adjusts his tie as he readies for work; his jaw is firm, his eyes bright, confident.
Why? Why is suddenly confident and cocky. You need to give us something here before the phone calls with SAL and GRETCHEN. Yes, I understand he is soulless now but why would a soulless body react this way? Yes, I understand it the stereo-typical corporate business prat but how did Soulless Robbie get to this understanding. Something is missing.
Pages 34-36
You have sort of a reverse hero rebirth here. When Rob fell in the water and “died” and was then revived on the deck is was sort of like a baptism for new Robbie.
While the audience knows what happened to Robbie the people in his universe do not. You have plenty of space here to death and rebirth type comments or jokes.
Think about the subtext when you write this scene. Robbie is trying to bed her so he is trying to get in her Good Graces. You could use sex, fishing, or a business or even a war or battle or seduction of the Sabine women subtext.
Page 36-55, 19 Minutes
needs to be condense and compressed. Too singular in that only one thing is happening with Kim and here Charts. Good that Winslow dropped the account.
But it needs more happening than just the charts, he needs to be sabotaging a few other things too so that more happens than one thing during those 17 Minutes.
Page 56-63
Excellent work here. I like this.
There should have been some foreshadowing as to this before in the screenplay. To come out of the blue seems weird. You need to hint at this earlier. In the Office kitchen scene there should be a hint of this in Gretchen’s personality.
Page 64
I see where you are going with the Radio Talks show hosts, Fraiser and Toby. The “voice of God” type thing is good. Needs more intertwining to the story, perhaps tied into a Kim presentation?
I can also see the reasons for ghost electrical controls and email address on the radio show now.
INT. DUNMORE HOUSE – NIGHT
I would have done his mother as a split personality type with passive aggressive stuff instead of mother and father. The sharp contrast of one character ripping and turning on the other.
Pages 67-69
The foreshadowing of electricity but then the fall back rotary phones and radios with knobs is clumsy.
Why is he not controlling a cellphone or smartphone to make the call (yes, I see where they have to trace the call back to here apartment, but could have been done same with cellphone, I guess). Why is SAL getting up to turn off a radio? why is he not using a remote?
TOBY TIBBS
Tracy, get me the number for the
police.
SOUL ROBBIE
And you were right all along,
Gretchen. I was going somewhere
in an awful hurry.
(beat)
I screwed up my life. I don’t
want to screw up my death, too.
Soul Robbie has a revelation but why does he have a revelation? What forced this change of life for him?
We are not at Page 76 or almost one and half hours into the movie when Soulless Robbie tries to kill Robbie to get his Life back. Stories need Arc’s and check points. This is way to late in the story to start this. This is more of the conflict stage of the movie that should have appeared much earlier so that Soulless Robbie had plenty of conflicts to overcome to reach his goal. This is where understanding the Life of Hero in Story becomes important. I don’t feel the Redemption of our Hero approaching.
Much that comes before this can be compressed, not removed, just compressed, so that the killing of Robbie can begin much earlier in the movie.
Page 76
Ok, not bad. Could have foreshadowed Gretchen’s tripping by putting her in shoes or clothing that she is always having trouble with.
Page 78
I am a little confused and lost as to the Central Love interest in the Story. Robbie wants Gretchen but there is no sexual tension that I can feel for some reason.
This is critical to your Story. Soulless Robbie needs a reason to live again and give the audience a reason to care about what happens to real Robbie and Gretchen. This has just not been coming through in the Story.
My current thoughts are you have introduced too many characters. Reads more like a novel than screenplay Story. Condense mother and father into mother. Move God to father as an angel? Charlie and Joe could be same person. Kim and Gretchen could be same character. The caring and tension just seems to be dilute or wandering about so far.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Just a thought, could it be a “Soul food” restaurant?
Gretchen leans down and removes a shoe.
GRETCHEN
These always give me blisters.
Good, combined with poor shoes with the elevator trip.
Pages 92-94
I would condense this as it will take a lot of time to show on screen. Get him to the phone quicker.
What reason does Gretchen to kill anyone? This is where the Kim and Gretchen connection needs to be fixed. Other than voices telling her to kill Robbie.
Page 99
We have lost a sense of Time and the Seven Minutes at this point. The Basketball game is gone along with the game metaphors. I am not seeing it anymore. There are no references back to the game, other than a few with SAL , but none as to time running out each day.
You are doing a lot of telling instead of showing here. Need a better way to indite Gretchen.
Page 100
God’s sudden and miraculous appears look too Convenient at this point. Shades of Bill Cosby’s “Ghost Dad” movie creeping in here.
EXT. REMINGTON OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Soul Robbie materializes outside of the building.
He watches as Gretchen exits the building and is rushed by two police officers.
The offices slap handcuffs on her and start to put her into their car.
You lost me. Why did arrest Gretchen? How dow Gretchen get away from them to run to Robbie’s body?
You are going to have to tie Truck death Robbie’s recovery back to Tug boat death Robbie recovery. Maybe the same rescue with the same Characters from the TUG Boat as the Paramedics?
Okay, I see the reason for the arrest now but not sure about it. could have been moved to before the truck death.
Page 104
EXT. HEAVEN - DAY
cute bathtub stuff but where does that fit with the them of the movie and basketball? The tub comes out of nowhere. Are we now in a Shack Genie movie? Aladdin?
Okay, all done reading. The ending is okay. Not great but it works.
The hospital scene with the cops is okay.
Something is missing when he gets back to the office and all is forgiven. What became of Kim?
If you are reading this review online then read the screenplay. The screenwriter can write a screenplay. This is just her first draft and it needs editing, weeding and shortening as it reads about 2 hours currently.
It takes a while to see the Story but it is there. The story then wanders around and gets lost but she does write well.
-----
Formatting. Remember that when you create a screenplay you are only allowed a stack of paper, an erasers and a manual typewriter. NO fair using any font or special formatting.
Screenplays are about Story. Story is about persons and events in places and Time. A good screenplay does not confine itself to a single place nor time.
What is the “What IF” and “Why does the audience care” about our Story and Characters? It is Time Matters? Is it Taking the Time to do it Right Matters?
Why does Robbie’s job not have something to do with Time or Time Keeping? Maybe he is a Basketball/Football Ref, or the Timekeeper at games or Racetracks?
Up to HEAVEN on Page 21
Okay you are telling instead of showing. So far the first 20 pages reads like a bad Jim Cary movie.
Sure the idea of a character that finishes too early is good but you are missing something. He is not finishing early so much as cutting corners to do less work that is getting him into trouble.
Not sure what the opening has to do with the story yet.
The apartment is sparsely furnished with what could be mistaken for used furniture, nice enough, but old -- and in the foreground is an aquarium full of brightly colored
fish.
Why does the movie audience care about the furniture? What does does it tell us about Robbie? How would the audience mistake it for used?
Maybe the view should be seeing unfinished projects, the un-made bed, the un-tied shoe, the poorly dressed or half-ironed clothes. Show us things that say, “This is a man who never completes what he starts out to do.”
As he speeds by the stereo, he turns it on. It’s playing the tail end of something like Pat Benetar’s “WE BELONG”.
Will this stereo or song come back later? or is it Foreshadowing anything in the movie?
As the song finishes, the DJ begins his between-song banter.
DJ (O.S.)
It’s a balmy 78 degrees in the
city this morning, with the mercury
rising to a high of 85. Nothing but
sunshine for the next week, so it
looks like we’re in for a gorgeous
August weekend.
Is the weather going to be important to the story later?
In the kitchen, he grabs a cup of coffee, takes a sip, burns his tongue, and then dumps the coffee down the sink.
Dancing into the living room, Robbie shuts the window blinds.
How does the coffee and the blinds show us they type of person Robbie is?
What if he took the coffee from the machine by interrupting its working. Say he switches his cup for the pot and then does not put the cup back so the coffee drains on the burner.
What if he appears to set the blinds neatly but then leaves them handing askew or unclosed.
He sets the fish food container on the top cover, near the
heat gauge.
How do we, the audience, know that it is the heat gauge? Reverse the weather, make it a cold snap, but instead of adjusting the faulty heater he leaves the window open so the fish catch a cold or the tank freezes?
You foreshadow Tony Tibbs but you do not use him until an hour later in the movie [ I peaked] by that time the audience will have forgotten Tony Tibbs. [Also TIBBS is showing up as redlined in spell checker.]
-STEVEN COVEY’S 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE,
-DALE CARNEGIE’S HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE
-ANTHONY ROBBINS’S AWAKEN THE GIANT WITHIN.
Okay we have the book titles but nothing to show us he has not finished reading them or that he read them correctly. I would suggest maybe a library card date of some kind, of a message, phone audio, or over due notice?
The rude, not hurried, not unfinished rather rude street scenes don’t carry your value of unfinished. Perhaps he could have taken a cab but got out early
Red-headed and in her mid-twenties, Kim looks like a bee readying to sting in a black skirt, yellow blouse and black suit jacket.
Unless her appearance is relevant to the story then leave it to the Production Designer and Casting Agent to do.
ROBBIE
Are you ready for the St. Ives
presentation?
KIM
Just about.
ROBBIE
Handed the boss my assignment on
Monday.
KIM
He’ll get mine this morning, after a
final review. I want to make
sure my numbers are right.
ROBBIE
Ah, she who hesitates...
Ok Monday? when was Monday? What day is today? I am guessing you meant it to be Friday with your ‘Weekend’ mentioned in the radio weather report. Better to emphasize his early turn in by having him give us a clue. “Turned mine in four days early, two weeks ago, before he asked for it”
You need to show that he cuts corners because he wants to get out front.
A CROWD OF PEOPLE follow behind him and push him to the back. Robbie forces his way to the front of the elevator and annoys everyone around him.
Okay now you are on to something. Here you are showing how his jumping the gun is costing him effort. I would have left him stuck in the back so that he misses his floor because the crowd in the elevator purposely will not let him out. Then he has to take the stairs at the next stop and run down to meet her.
AT ROBBIE’S DESK
He throws his briefcase on the desk and turns on his computer.
Give the audience something here. he tosses his case too soon and breaks something on his desk or someone else desk, or the case spills something, or something in the case breaks. Show us how his corning cutting is penalizing his own life.
ANGELA (V.O.)
I’m so proud of you, Robbie. Your
father is, too.
ROBBIE
What? Proud I haven’t screwed
this job up yet?
His screwing up on the job shot from his Mother seems to come out of nowhere here. Could have been done with a Hallmark card from his mom at home before the call or an email or a card at his desk with flowers or ballon delivery.
Remember it is not his screwing up it is his rushing and cutting corners that is causing him to screwup.
ANGELA(V.O.)
I’m sure you’ll get it. Joe
owes your dad a favor.
Why does JOE ow DAD a favor? Do we know his Father is Dead? If so how? Simple fix
ANGELA(V.O.)
I’m sure you’ll get it. Joe
owes your dead Father a favor.
Now that we know his father is dead you can use the image of his dead father, his Ghost, as an Angel, as the God Figure later in the story?
I see that on Page 65 his Father is not dead, but you left his Father out of the Story for an hour? Come to think of it Angela disappears for an hour too.
Robbie holds the pen like a knife. He fakes a stabbing action, then throws the pen on his desk.
Looks like a Jim Cary move. Why is stabbing at her?
He pours his coffee, then speeds to GRETCHEN D’LARGO’S side.
Okay I get what is going on here. But you are telling us, literally she is speaking about how bad the date was because he cut everything short from dinner to the end of the movie.
This scene needs to happen with subtext as we are nearing the point where he ruins the presentation that gets him fired.
Could have been done over an office copier with the machine jamming. Or in the Stationary or Office supply room with a large paper cutter cutting the presentation flyers with lots of emphasis on cutting things short.
GRETCHEN
(whispers lower)
I’m sorry Robbie, but you’re going
somewhere in an awful hurry, and I’m
just not comfortable with that.
Okay “in an awful hurry” is important here. I may have been pushing for his corner cutting for costing him a good life which is different. To me cutting corners implies lazy and cheap. Getting somewhere in an awful hurry is about rushing to the end. So we may have a disconnect here. You have shown him being rude and jumping in front of people but that, to me, is not the same as being in a hurry to get someplace. There has only been one clock in the beginning.
I don’t see a sense of time and lateness or being in a hurry. No clocks, no hour glasses, no watches, no alarms to give a sense of time and hurry.
INT. JOE REMINGTON’S OFFICE – DAY
Why is he offering him Cigars? Robbie’s remark shows rudeness.
JOE
And you’re not thorough enough to
be placed on a big account. I’m
afraid I’m going to move you to
the smaller projects.
Emphasizing thoroughness and not Time. “big account” to a “smaller projects”. Needs more words denoting Time.
RAUL, the building maintenance man, walks by.
You introduced several characters that disappear for the Story completely after introduction?
From you description of Raul I was geared up for a Jesus reverence. Why is dressed they way he is dressed? Is it relevant to the story later?
ROBBIE
What’s wrong with me? Everything I
touch turns to shit.
So it is quality or Time?
SERIES OF SHOTS: ROBBIE’S A LOSER
A) Robbie swings and misses a baseball in little league. Father looks on from stands, angry.
Good start but we have to emphasize that his rushing made him miss the ba..
His father scolds him for being cut from the football team: You gonna be the water boy now? Or how about a cheerleader?
Not a Time failure here. He should have run to far to catch the ball.
Glares from dad over the top of a report card.
Where is the Time element?
D) Nameless girls squeal at him: get lost, Robbie.
E) Nameless women order him: get lost, Robbie.
Gretchen quietly saying to him: I don’t want to see you any more. Way too fast. Way too fast.
Where is the time element in woman rejecting him? How do you show earliness here? Giving a Happy 21’st card to a 12 year old? Doing a pregnancy test right after having sex? Giving her an at home pregnancy test kit as he leaves the first morning after spending the night for the first time?
G) His dead fish.
His father yells: You’re useless. You’re hopeless.You can’t be my son. When the hell will you ever do anything right?
I know where the fish comes from by what does his father’s speech have to do with TIME? The speech seems cliché to me.
EXT. BROOKLYN BRIDGE - DAY
Well the bridge death is okay. But where is the Time Element? Do you remember “Heaven Can Wait” with Warren Beatty? Buck Henry grabs Warren Beatty’s character from his body on the biycle in the Tunnel too early. Sort of the same idea but very different Story.
When I think of Time, and death in New York, or other Big Cities, I think of Trains. Trains have to run on time. Railroads have schedules, stations have clocks and conductors have watches all concerned with the exact time. I would have pushed him in front of Subway train. Perhaps someone in the waiting crowd who he cut in front of just snaps and pushes him in front of the train. Lots of clocks in a Train station/Subway station. Could move the Story to Chicago, LA, SF, Paris or London this way.
Soul Robbie jumps out but the Crowd or Hero grabs or snatches the body back just in time to save him.
While I am at it why does Robbie not have a Job that has something to do with Time?
EXT. TUGBOAT - LATER
Robbie regains consciousness on the floor deck of an old CHUGGING TUGBOAT.
To say “floor” on a boat implies a room interior. To say “deck” implies the outside floor surface of the boat.
A toothless oldster leans down and slaps Robbie’s face. Robbie doesn’t flinch.
FATTY
Is he dead?
just for a laugh you could have the 3 savers punch him in the belly in a crude attempt at CPR.
Good scene on the deck of the boat. you moved from one emotion to a completely different on. From worry about Robbie to hating him for being so rude to his rescuers.
GOD
(echoing)
You’re not welcome here.
Just to be over shouldering too much here, but would “You’re not welcome here, yet.”
ROBBIE
My shrink says it’s Obsessive
Compulsive a Disorder.
EXT. HEAVEN - DAY
All in all the basketball scene is good and it serves a purpose. Could be stronger on the emotional change. “Woot I am in heaven!”, “Oh God I need to get back”
To be too picky again I would have had is “Father” be dead in the story then bring Robbie’s father into this scene as an Angel instead of the direct link to God. But that changes several things in the story. Just a thought.
LONGHAIRED TEEN
(under his breath)
Psycho.
Good work with the connection of the teens before and now.
Choice of the word ‘Psycho’ seems a bit missing. Since Robbie is suppose to be soulless why does he care about “his building”? Why did he care about the building before? What is the foundation for his protecting the building? Does he own the building? Did his family own it? What is the attachment?
Turning on the garbage disposal, Robbie starts to mock a trumpet military song, and then he dumps the fish down the sink.
You mentioned Mix-master, to me that is a Blender. The visual of glass blender would be good, though disturbing, in a scene.
INSERT TV
END INSERT
FRASIER
(V.O.)
Go ahead caller. I’m listening.
Excellent, love this aside.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
This scene drags a bit. Together with the trying to get inside the body scene before it. perhaps more could be implied.
INT. ROBBIE’S APARTMENT – MORNING
Robbie strides into the living room. He adjusts his tie as he readies for work; his jaw is firm, his eyes bright, confident.
Why? Why is suddenly confident and cocky. You need to give us something here before the phone calls with SAL and GRETCHEN. Yes, I understand he is soulless now but why would a soulless body react this way? Yes, I understand it the stereo-typical corporate business prat but how did Soulless Robbie get to this understanding. Something is missing.
Pages 34-36
You have sort of a reverse hero rebirth here. When Rob fell in the water and “died” and was then revived on the deck is was sort of like a baptism for new Robbie.
While the audience knows what happened to Robbie the people in his universe do not. You have plenty of space here to death and rebirth type comments or jokes.
Think about the subtext when you write this scene. Robbie is trying to bed her so he is trying to get in her Good Graces. You could use sex, fishing, or a business or even a war or battle or seduction of the Sabine women subtext.
Page 36-55, 19 Minutes
needs to be condense and compressed. Too singular in that only one thing is happening with Kim and here Charts. Good that Winslow dropped the account.
But it needs more happening than just the charts, he needs to be sabotaging a few other things too so that more happens than one thing during those 17 Minutes.
Page 56-63
Excellent work here. I like this.
There should have been some foreshadowing as to this before in the screenplay. To come out of the blue seems weird. You need to hint at this earlier. In the Office kitchen scene there should be a hint of this in Gretchen’s personality.
Page 64
I see where you are going with the Radio Talks show hosts, Fraiser and Toby. The “voice of God” type thing is good. Needs more intertwining to the story, perhaps tied into a Kim presentation?
I can also see the reasons for ghost electrical controls and email address on the radio show now.
INT. DUNMORE HOUSE – NIGHT
I would have done his mother as a split personality type with passive aggressive stuff instead of mother and father. The sharp contrast of one character ripping and turning on the other.
Pages 67-69
The foreshadowing of electricity but then the fall back rotary phones and radios with knobs is clumsy.
Why is he not controlling a cellphone or smartphone to make the call (yes, I see where they have to trace the call back to here apartment, but could have been done same with cellphone, I guess). Why is SAL getting up to turn off a radio? why is he not using a remote?
TOBY TIBBS
Tracy, get me the number for the
police.
SOUL ROBBIE
And you were right all along,
Gretchen. I was going somewhere
in an awful hurry.
(beat)
I screwed up my life. I don’t
want to screw up my death, too.
Soul Robbie has a revelation but why does he have a revelation? What forced this change of life for him?
We are not at Page 76 or almost one and half hours into the movie when Soulless Robbie tries to kill Robbie to get his Life back. Stories need Arc’s and check points. This is way to late in the story to start this. This is more of the conflict stage of the movie that should have appeared much earlier so that Soulless Robbie had plenty of conflicts to overcome to reach his goal. This is where understanding the Life of Hero in Story becomes important. I don’t feel the Redemption of our Hero approaching.
Much that comes before this can be compressed, not removed, just compressed, so that the killing of Robbie can begin much earlier in the movie.
Page 76
Ok, not bad. Could have foreshadowed Gretchen’s tripping by putting her in shoes or clothing that she is always having trouble with.
Page 78
I am a little confused and lost as to the Central Love interest in the Story. Robbie wants Gretchen but there is no sexual tension that I can feel for some reason.
This is critical to your Story. Soulless Robbie needs a reason to live again and give the audience a reason to care about what happens to real Robbie and Gretchen. This has just not been coming through in the Story.
My current thoughts are you have introduced too many characters. Reads more like a novel than screenplay Story. Condense mother and father into mother. Move God to father as an angel? Charlie and Joe could be same person. Kim and Gretchen could be same character. The caring and tension just seems to be dilute or wandering about so far.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Just a thought, could it be a “Soul food” restaurant?
Gretchen leans down and removes a shoe.
GRETCHEN
These always give me blisters.
Good, combined with poor shoes with the elevator trip.
Pages 92-94
I would condense this as it will take a lot of time to show on screen. Get him to the phone quicker.
What reason does Gretchen to kill anyone? This is where the Kim and Gretchen connection needs to be fixed. Other than voices telling her to kill Robbie.
Page 99
We have lost a sense of Time and the Seven Minutes at this point. The Basketball game is gone along with the game metaphors. I am not seeing it anymore. There are no references back to the game, other than a few with SAL , but none as to time running out each day.
You are doing a lot of telling instead of showing here. Need a better way to indite Gretchen.
Page 100
God’s sudden and miraculous appears look too Convenient at this point. Shades of Bill Cosby’s “Ghost Dad” movie creeping in here.
EXT. REMINGTON OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Soul Robbie materializes outside of the building.
He watches as Gretchen exits the building and is rushed by two police officers.
The offices slap handcuffs on her and start to put her into their car.
You lost me. Why did arrest Gretchen? How dow Gretchen get away from them to run to Robbie’s body?
You are going to have to tie Truck death Robbie’s recovery back to Tug boat death Robbie recovery. Maybe the same rescue with the same Characters from the TUG Boat as the Paramedics?
Okay, I see the reason for the arrest now but not sure about it. could have been moved to before the truck death.
Page 104
EXT. HEAVEN - DAY
cute bathtub stuff but where does that fit with the them of the movie and basketball? The tub comes out of nowhere. Are we now in a Shack Genie movie? Aladdin?
Okay, all done reading. The ending is okay. Not great but it works.
The hospital scene with the cops is okay.
Something is missing when he gets back to the office and all is forgiven. What became of Kim?
Three Card Monty, Jackie's Original Draft
1
out of
1
people found the following review helpful:
Good Premise but it needs editing as to descriptions and much tighter conflicts.
February 09, 2013
Three Card Monty - Critique
by J.L. Blakely
Feb. 9, 2013
I read your screenplay and took notes as I read as if I was watching your movie.
Imagine you are pounding away on a manual typewriter and not a computer/word processor when you write your screenplays. Leave out the special fonts and emphasis.
Take the Title, Author and phone number out of the page headers.
You specifically set the story in San Diego and make references to locations in San Diego that are not obvious to anyone not living in San Diego. Making the home location generic Suburbia would de-clutter the story and let the readers mind pick the best location for the story.
Page 1
FADE IN
Okay, skip the camera directions, production design, costume design and set decoration. Set the tone for the reader. Let the Producer and Crew do their job.
FADE IN
MONTY BLVD of a suburban upper middle class neighborhood. The type with Mercedes and BMW’s.
From Page 1 to Page 3.5
All of this have been explained much shorter. My thought here would have been to drop all the set descriptions. She goes from house A to house B to House C. Nothing else matters to the Story accept that she is moving from house to house.
All of the dialogue could be dropped if you thought about the departing fight between Cary Grant and Hepburn in Philadelphia story. Not a word is spoken but the audience gains a lot of insight as to the character relationships very fast.
AT HIS CAR
-- he’s greeted by buddies SYD FIELDING, 55, and MILLER ALLEN, 52 going on 25. Both men, clad in Tiger Woods’ best, carry their clubs on their backs and wear deep, angry scowls.
They HURL their clubs into the back of Jack’s SUV.
Okay you have just painted your screenplay in to a corner. Drop the Tiger Woods reference and any future names or product references unless you are the Producer or have signed releases from each product.
AT HIS CAR
-- He is greeted by his buddies SYD FIELDING, 55, and MILLER ALLEN, 52 going on 25, clad in golfing attire. Carrying both their golf bags and scowls as they approach Jack’s car.
Let the actors and director decide what to do with the clubs. You have set the mood with the scowls. Let the Production Designer or set decorator decide on the cars.
EXT. MARTIN HOUSE BACKYARD – CONTINUOUS
JUDITH MARTIN, 52, a redheaded spitfire, sunbathes in a sleek, low-cut one-piece on a lounger near the swimming pool. Cucumbers cover her eyelids.
Gloria opens the screen door and marches up to Judith.
GLORIA
The votes are in, Jude.
I hate him.
Judith sits up. She manages to keep the cuc’s on her eyes.
JUDITH
What’s new.
GLORIA
No, I mean...
Gloria takes a seat near Judith.
GLORIA
...I really hate him.
Judith plucks the cucumber slices from her eyelids.
JUDITH
And you have for at least...well
years, Gloria.
Gloria stares out over the huge, well-maintained backyard. Flowerbeds, pool, gazebo, etc.
JUDITH
After almost thirty years of
marriage, it’s normal.
INT. FIELDING HOUSE – NIGHT
Gloria, dressed in a silk nighty, stares at her face in the bathroom mirror.
She smiles at the tiny wrinkles in her eyes.
She reaches up to her face and pulls her skin taunt.
Shakes her head; sighs.
Gloria walks out of the bathroom into her --
BEDROOM
Boring shades of browns decorate the equally boring room.
On her nightstand are piled several children’s books of THE HOBO QUEEN series. Gloria Fielding printed in bold letters on the top book.
Her husband, Syd, lies in bed, in neatly pressed pajamas, reading a PLAYBOY Gentleman’s MAGAZINE.
He pulls his bifocals from the top of his head, where they’re resting, to his eyes. He is wearing bifocals.
Gloria climbs into bed. She stares at Syd, who is oblivious.
Alright that is all I am going to say about acting directions, set decorations, and production designs. When you write the dialogue write just enough so that your actors can infer what they should be doing in your Story.
I understand your wanting to get the boring feeling of the decor across but what happens if the read likes brown, or the director likes brown [no accounting for taste these days.] By setting specific colors you are dating your screenplay and imposing your taste on the screenplay. It still works without it so no need for it to be in the screenplay.
I am now concentrating on the Story. So far so good. I see the set up. Unhappy mid-life crisis adults. Gloria is looking for adventure.
The streaking mascara grosses her out. She reaches up gingerly to wipe if from Pam’s face with her palm.
GLORIA
Pammy, do you really want to
save your marriage?
The DOORBELL RINGS.
GLORIA
Hold that thought.
Gloria answers the door.
Pam stands in the living room, alone. WHISPERED VOICES off screen.
How and when did Pam get off the couch and find herself standing?
Page 13 to 19
Okay this entire basis for the movie Story has just been told to us by three woman in a bar and a car. Boring. Sorry, boring.
Where is the event that triggers this thinking? You are having your characters ACT instead of REACT.
This is a difficult point the writing. What is the reason for them to do this? I have seen no interaction between the three woman and their new mates to suppose this would be the RE-action to the events so far. Should there have been an event, party, meeting to show their hands on the new relationships?
While I do like the bar and car conversations I do not see the subtext. I see the leering at the waiter but I don’t see subtext presented.
Just as a wild shot could you have set the entire conversation in a carwash with the ladies in the SUV. The SUV is very dirty before it enters the tunnel, then the brushes and soaps with the machines that flash “hot wax”, “Rim cleaner”, etc. would allow the girls a cleansing of their sins to a new life.
Something would have to get them into the SUV so how about a short Thelma & Louise escapade or trip to get the SUV filthy, and drunk. and then the trip through the wash?
Just a suggestion as a way to rethink your setup for the Story.
Having women in a bar discuss swapping husbands is plausible but just not exciting or enough to give the audience a reason to care about them.
Page 25
JACK
At any rate, my friend here
just cost me ten grand.
Why? does he have not Insurance?
Okay you have set the ladies plan in motion with the hot tub events. It works for a novel or a TV show but the Story needs more here.
When did the woman decide which man they wanted? I don’t remember that part. The Hot Tub excuse is too simple of a device, too obvious a way to do it.
I suppose you need a group activity to allow them to interact, react, with each other’s new choice. A cooking class with sensuous ingredients., a golf outing with lots of lost balls and swings, a day trip to a farm with the animals, something to trigger subtext of conflict and regrouping.
The JACK and GLORIA conversation is not showing us as it is telling us.
The reason for the Story has to happen between the 18 to 22 minute mark. With your expanded descriptions and directions the reason was sprung on us early as the pages would condense quite a bit. You have to fill in time with how the ladies pick the men. [this thought is a bit late in my notes]
Okay I now see where you are on the Golf Course. Interesting.
oh, the word is “FORE!” not four, 4.
Page 36
We are in the clubhouse now but I am wondering about the Children’s Books and the romance writing which seem to be important to the Story but have not really been much in the Story for 36 minutes. Her writing just seems to pop in as convenient. The Pink office was a bit of a shock. How does that contrast with your Brown dull rooms?
Page 42
INT. GLORIA’S DEN – DAY
Gloria types furiously at the keyboard in front of her computer. 60’s music plays in the background.
You are jumping around with the Soundtrack a bit [I am 52, I do enjoy 60’s music, so it is probable that Gloria would want 60’s music]. The music references do help explain your story to the screenplay reader but make sure you emphasize the music references are only part of your draft work. Getting rights to music in a movie is not your responsibility.
If a certain song is important to the Story then note that too. But have a back up if you cannot get the Rights.
Okay page 47‘ish, the Arc of the Story should be here about.
We move to the page 54 and the push to change partners.
PAM
I’ve never had palpitations
Formatting note here, please do not emphasize words. Think of how “Casablanca” would have been written on a manual typewriter. Just paper, ribbon and an eraser.
Up to Page 56
This is awkward with the six of them in same room drunk. Too me it seems too much like a Swingers party or a surprise Orgy. Not something that normal people would not be comfortable with.
Page 56
Playing to plausibility [has been a while since I was in a good Smoke Shoppe] but a Women’s magazine in a Men’s shop (or I may have missed read the type of magazine it was earlier.)
Could they find the magazine or overhear someone reading it an laughing about the “Three Mutineers” in the shop?
Page 58
Might be be better to insinuate the “hard-ons” instead of showing them. It falls back to how others re-act to the men on their walk. Images of phallic symbols could be shown instead of a direct reference the men’s erections. Let the mind do the dirty work.
Page 59
I could just be me but not a great way to do this. Might have been better to pair them off with three copies of the magazine article.
Page 61
Okay all is revealed and there is nothing here. The What IF has been answered but the “why should the audience care” has not been brought forth. There is a good quirky story but the caring is not in here yet. Remember this is the first draft and keep writing.
Page 73
Revenge and stuff but you are losing the reader.
Page 79
Okay we seem to be in a different movie now. Something that Bette Midler and Diane Keaton might have done.
Page 90
Okay in my opinion your story is a good story as to the premise but it is overly complicated. You are not following standard story technique as to ACTS and Timings.
For a screenplay to work there has to be a Story. For there to be a story there has to be Conflict. You don’t have conflict so much as arguing and bad relationships.
The late introduction of the “Grandchild” is of no value to the current story. The children’s book that sneaks in there and Deus ex Machina saves everything is okay but you neglect it for most of the story.
You need to remove all the directions and location specifics out to get a screenplay with a clean Story.
Your premise is “What if three wives decided to swap husbands in hope of better lives but one of the wives betrays the other two by selling the story of what takes place to a magazine to get rich?”
It reads too much like a few episodes of a TV program.
I still think you have a good idea for a story and you have completed a screenplay of that story. The story needs to go someplace though.
Have you read how to write a treatment? Then stake out the Story on index cards (or a computer version of index cards)? Things have to happen for a reason in screenplays. Every line has to move the Story forward or expose something about the Story.
I feel you have a good screenplay but you need to write it correctly. Revisit and narrow and chop and plan. Don’t give up, learn more about screenplays.
by J.L. Blakely
Feb. 9, 2013
I read your screenplay and took notes as I read as if I was watching your movie.
Imagine you are pounding away on a manual typewriter and not a computer/word processor when you write your screenplays. Leave out the special fonts and emphasis.
Take the Title, Author and phone number out of the page headers.
You specifically set the story in San Diego and make references to locations in San Diego that are not obvious to anyone not living in San Diego. Making the home location generic Suburbia would de-clutter the story and let the readers mind pick the best location for the story.
Page 1
FADE IN
Okay, skip the camera directions, production design, costume design and set decoration. Set the tone for the reader. Let the Producer and Crew do their job.
FADE IN
MONTY BLVD of a suburban upper middle class neighborhood. The type with Mercedes and BMW’s.
From Page 1 to Page 3.5
All of this have been explained much shorter. My thought here would have been to drop all the set descriptions. She goes from house A to house B to House C. Nothing else matters to the Story accept that she is moving from house to house.
All of the dialogue could be dropped if you thought about the departing fight between Cary Grant and Hepburn in Philadelphia story. Not a word is spoken but the audience gains a lot of insight as to the character relationships very fast.
AT HIS CAR
-- he’s greeted by buddies SYD FIELDING, 55, and MILLER ALLEN, 52 going on 25. Both men, clad in Tiger Woods’ best, carry their clubs on their backs and wear deep, angry scowls.
They HURL their clubs into the back of Jack’s SUV.
Okay you have just painted your screenplay in to a corner. Drop the Tiger Woods reference and any future names or product references unless you are the Producer or have signed releases from each product.
AT HIS CAR
-- He is greeted by his buddies SYD FIELDING, 55, and MILLER ALLEN, 52 going on 25, clad in golfing attire. Carrying both their golf bags and scowls as they approach Jack’s car.
Let the actors and director decide what to do with the clubs. You have set the mood with the scowls. Let the Production Designer or set decorator decide on the cars.
EXT. MARTIN HOUSE BACKYARD – CONTINUOUS
JUDITH MARTIN, 52, a redheaded spitfire, sunbathes in a sleek, low-cut one-piece on a lounger near the swimming pool. Cucumbers cover her eyelids.
Gloria opens the screen door and marches up to Judith.
GLORIA
The votes are in, Jude.
I hate him.
Judith sits up. She manages to keep the cuc’s on her eyes.
JUDITH
What’s new.
GLORIA
No, I mean...
Gloria takes a seat near Judith.
GLORIA
...I really hate him.
Judith plucks the cucumber slices from her eyelids.
JUDITH
And you have for at least...well
years, Gloria.
Gloria stares out over the huge, well-maintained backyard. Flowerbeds, pool, gazebo, etc.
JUDITH
After almost thirty years of
marriage, it’s normal.
INT. FIELDING HOUSE – NIGHT
Gloria, dressed in a silk nighty, stares at her face in the bathroom mirror.
She smiles at the tiny wrinkles in her eyes.
She reaches up to her face and pulls her skin taunt.
Shakes her head; sighs.
Gloria walks out of the bathroom into her --
BEDROOM
Boring shades of browns decorate the equally boring room.
On her nightstand are piled several children’s books of THE HOBO QUEEN series. Gloria Fielding printed in bold letters on the top book.
Her husband, Syd, lies in bed, in neatly pressed pajamas, reading a PLAYBOY Gentleman’s MAGAZINE.
He pulls his bifocals from the top of his head, where they’re resting, to his eyes. He is wearing bifocals.
Gloria climbs into bed. She stares at Syd, who is oblivious.
Alright that is all I am going to say about acting directions, set decorations, and production designs. When you write the dialogue write just enough so that your actors can infer what they should be doing in your Story.
I understand your wanting to get the boring feeling of the decor across but what happens if the read likes brown, or the director likes brown [no accounting for taste these days.] By setting specific colors you are dating your screenplay and imposing your taste on the screenplay. It still works without it so no need for it to be in the screenplay.
I am now concentrating on the Story. So far so good. I see the set up. Unhappy mid-life crisis adults. Gloria is looking for adventure.
The streaking mascara grosses her out. She reaches up gingerly to wipe if from Pam’s face with her palm.
GLORIA
Pammy, do you really want to
save your marriage?
The DOORBELL RINGS.
GLORIA
Hold that thought.
Gloria answers the door.
Pam stands in the living room, alone. WHISPERED VOICES off screen.
How and when did Pam get off the couch and find herself standing?
Page 13 to 19
Okay this entire basis for the movie Story has just been told to us by three woman in a bar and a car. Boring. Sorry, boring.
Where is the event that triggers this thinking? You are having your characters ACT instead of REACT.
This is a difficult point the writing. What is the reason for them to do this? I have seen no interaction between the three woman and their new mates to suppose this would be the RE-action to the events so far. Should there have been an event, party, meeting to show their hands on the new relationships?
While I do like the bar and car conversations I do not see the subtext. I see the leering at the waiter but I don’t see subtext presented.
Just as a wild shot could you have set the entire conversation in a carwash with the ladies in the SUV. The SUV is very dirty before it enters the tunnel, then the brushes and soaps with the machines that flash “hot wax”, “Rim cleaner”, etc. would allow the girls a cleansing of their sins to a new life.
Something would have to get them into the SUV so how about a short Thelma & Louise escapade or trip to get the SUV filthy, and drunk. and then the trip through the wash?
Just a suggestion as a way to rethink your setup for the Story.
Having women in a bar discuss swapping husbands is plausible but just not exciting or enough to give the audience a reason to care about them.
Page 25
JACK
At any rate, my friend here
just cost me ten grand.
Why? does he have not Insurance?
Okay you have set the ladies plan in motion with the hot tub events. It works for a novel or a TV show but the Story needs more here.
When did the woman decide which man they wanted? I don’t remember that part. The Hot Tub excuse is too simple of a device, too obvious a way to do it.
I suppose you need a group activity to allow them to interact, react, with each other’s new choice. A cooking class with sensuous ingredients., a golf outing with lots of lost balls and swings, a day trip to a farm with the animals, something to trigger subtext of conflict and regrouping.
The JACK and GLORIA conversation is not showing us as it is telling us.
The reason for the Story has to happen between the 18 to 22 minute mark. With your expanded descriptions and directions the reason was sprung on us early as the pages would condense quite a bit. You have to fill in time with how the ladies pick the men. [this thought is a bit late in my notes]
Okay I now see where you are on the Golf Course. Interesting.
oh, the word is “FORE!” not four, 4.
Page 36
We are in the clubhouse now but I am wondering about the Children’s Books and the romance writing which seem to be important to the Story but have not really been much in the Story for 36 minutes. Her writing just seems to pop in as convenient. The Pink office was a bit of a shock. How does that contrast with your Brown dull rooms?
Page 42
INT. GLORIA’S DEN – DAY
Gloria types furiously at the keyboard in front of her computer. 60’s music plays in the background.
You are jumping around with the Soundtrack a bit [I am 52, I do enjoy 60’s music, so it is probable that Gloria would want 60’s music]. The music references do help explain your story to the screenplay reader but make sure you emphasize the music references are only part of your draft work. Getting rights to music in a movie is not your responsibility.
If a certain song is important to the Story then note that too. But have a back up if you cannot get the Rights.
Okay page 47‘ish, the Arc of the Story should be here about.
We move to the page 54 and the push to change partners.
PAM
I’ve never had palpitations
Formatting note here, please do not emphasize words. Think of how “Casablanca” would have been written on a manual typewriter. Just paper, ribbon and an eraser.
Up to Page 56
This is awkward with the six of them in same room drunk. Too me it seems too much like a Swingers party or a surprise Orgy. Not something that normal people would not be comfortable with.
Page 56
Playing to plausibility [has been a while since I was in a good Smoke Shoppe] but a Women’s magazine in a Men’s shop (or I may have missed read the type of magazine it was earlier.)
Could they find the magazine or overhear someone reading it an laughing about the “Three Mutineers” in the shop?
Page 58
Might be be better to insinuate the “hard-ons” instead of showing them. It falls back to how others re-act to the men on their walk. Images of phallic symbols could be shown instead of a direct reference the men’s erections. Let the mind do the dirty work.
Page 59
I could just be me but not a great way to do this. Might have been better to pair them off with three copies of the magazine article.
Page 61
Okay all is revealed and there is nothing here. The What IF has been answered but the “why should the audience care” has not been brought forth. There is a good quirky story but the caring is not in here yet. Remember this is the first draft and keep writing.
Page 73
Revenge and stuff but you are losing the reader.
Page 79
Okay we seem to be in a different movie now. Something that Bette Midler and Diane Keaton might have done.
Page 90
Okay in my opinion your story is a good story as to the premise but it is overly complicated. You are not following standard story technique as to ACTS and Timings.
For a screenplay to work there has to be a Story. For there to be a story there has to be Conflict. You don’t have conflict so much as arguing and bad relationships.
The late introduction of the “Grandchild” is of no value to the current story. The children’s book that sneaks in there and Deus ex Machina saves everything is okay but you neglect it for most of the story.
You need to remove all the directions and location specifics out to get a screenplay with a clean Story.
Your premise is “What if three wives decided to swap husbands in hope of better lives but one of the wives betrays the other two by selling the story of what takes place to a magazine to get rich?”
It reads too much like a few episodes of a TV program.
I still think you have a good idea for a story and you have completed a screenplay of that story. The story needs to go someplace though.
Have you read how to write a treatment? Then stake out the Story on index cards (or a computer version of index cards)? Things have to happen for a reason in screenplays. Every line has to move the Story forward or expose something about the Story.
I feel you have a good screenplay but you need to write it correctly. Revisit and narrow and chop and plan. Don’t give up, learn more about screenplays.
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Compelling Hook?-- No, but maybe for Shakespeare fans a Yes.
Structure. Does the story have a clear three act structure?--Not yet.
Is it well-paced? -- It is jittery with starts and stops as it goes.
Are there enough reversals and twists to keep it interesting? -- Nope
Do you clearly understand what world you’re in, and what the story is about? Yes even too much physical world description given at times.
Character. Is the lead character sympathetic? -- Yes to sympathetic but no to having a purpose.
Does he or she grow and change over the course of the story? -- No, just a busy body.
Are the character’s wants and needs clearly defined? -- Not really.
Stakes. Is it clear what is at stake for the main character?--No.
Do the stakes increase over the course of the movie? -- No.
Dialogue. Do the characters each have a distinct voice? -- No
Does the dialogue sound natural and real? -- Yes and no. It is funny but very Television like dialog.
Genre Conventions. If the movie is a genre story, does it effectively and artfully fulfill the conventions of its genre? -- It is a good comedy but it needs work to be great comedy of historical proportions.
Cinematic Value. Does the script lend itself to visual storytelling? -- It does but it reeks of something shot on a cheap painted studio set some how.
Are there directorial set pieces within the story?
Could this screenplay just as easily be a play? -- It has been a play before.
Special Qualities. Does the script or test movie have a special quality to it, like the adroit use of theme, unique style and tone or an indefinable magic that permeates the storytelling? Not yet.
I like this because I like Shakespeare's works. Would someone unfamiliar with William understand this movie? -- I don’t think so. The movie does not work without knowing the play of Romeo and Juliet. It is not yet a stand alone movie.
None of the characters in this screenplay really stand out for anything other than being funny and or sex starved. There is no growth by the characters. There is story arc for them to rise and fall with as they speak.
This is a good clone of a Mel Brooke’s type ‘History’ picture. It is funny but the weak ‘Story’ is not allowing it to be watched by non-Shakespeare movie goers.
What seems to be missing is that I just don’t really care about what happens to Rosaline in this screenplay; or the other characters.
Note to reader: These comments are done while reading the screenplay for the first time as if I was ‘viewing’ the film.
page 1.
A horse pulls a carriage along the dirt roads, down the hill, and into the heart of Verona.
Stop! Do not tell the Director, cameraman, cinematographer or production designer how to do their job.
A carriage on a road.
We know it is a dirt road of sorts because we see the horse carriage and they are usually not on a paved road if the characters are in period costumes.
The DRIVER, a wise elderly gentleman, grits his teeth and continues to drive. The voice yells louder.
ROSALINE (O.S.)
I demand you to stop!
The driver shakes his head and CRACKS his whip to get the horse to go faster.
Do not tell the actors how to act. You are not writing a novel; this is a screenplay.
The carriage DRIVER, elderly, ignores her and drives on. vs. The DRIVER whips the horse to go faster.
There are all the elements of the action without telling anyone what to do. You find out about the driver, he ignores her and makes the cart go faster. Let the actors and Director work out the rest.
The owner of the voice, ROSALINE, a brash and drop dead beautiful sixteen-year-old, opens the door to the carriage and climbs out towards the driver.
ROSALINE, Italian Beauty (16), climbs out of the carriage to get to the driver.
Page 2
EXT. CAPULET MANOR - DAY
The Capulet Manor sits perched on a hill, regal and pretentious. The gardens lead to a patio and then to open french doors that lead to the dining room.
You are calling camera establishing shots here. Job of Director and Production Designer.
Always near Juliet is her NURSE, who sits by her side cutting her food and sometimes even pre-chewing it.
While eating, Tybalt stares at Juliet, who intentionally ignores him as she sips her tea daintily.
LORD CAPULET
Tybalt.
TYBALT
Yes, sir?
LORD CAPULET She’s your responsibility once she arrives.
Tybalt nods.
LORD CAPULET I don’t want her embarrassing our family here in Verona. (beat)
If you can do that, there may be a way I can make a
good marriage match for you, my boy.
Good opening but you are telling actors how to act here. Tybalt should not ‘nods’ but let the actor react. “Tybalt agrees”.
Tybalt smiles at Juliet. It’s creepy.
Lady Capulet smiles at Tybalt. It’s creepier.
You are telling and now showing here. How is the actor and audiences suppose to “know” the smile is creepy?
Tybalt gives Juliet a creepy smile.
Lady Capulet gives Tybalt a creepier smile.
Lord Capulet doesn’t notice his wife leering at her nephew or his nephew ogling his daughter; he’s too busy stuffing a roll in his mouth.
Lord Capulet eats while everyone else leers or ogles the others.
Page 3
The owner of the brown eyes, MERCUTIO (Romeo’s friend and Count Paris’ cousin) steps out in front of Rosaline.
MERCUTIO And who do I have the pleasure of meeting?
ROSALINE (looking him up and down)
No one. Rosaline walks away, but Mercutio follows behind.
Shakespeare usually put his characters in groups for introductions. To me 16th Century city dwellers would not be out alone but in groups. Rosaline is fine alone because of how she got their. I would have given here a companion servant to trail her.
Mercutio should have 1-2 others with him to allow for better conversation elements, conflict and someone to bounce her ignoring him off of and too laugh at him.
Page 4
MERCUTIO
Lord and Lady Montague, from one of the two warring families.
WARRING? Show don’t tell us.
This is where you get paid as the writer to show us these warring families. Think of Business Posters like your Uncle Sam poster. Think of arguments in the crowd. Think of Minstrels singing the news of the war but think.
Page 6.
MERCUTIO So when do I get to know your name?
ROSALINE I’m Rosaline.
MERCUTIO Cousin to the beautiful Juliet?
Yeah.
How the... did he conclude she was Juliet’s cousin?
OPHELIA
Tell me that you weren’t with her!
ROMEO
I wasn’t.
OPHELIA
I saw you!
Romeo lowers his voice to compensate.
ROMEO
I was only holding her hand.
OPHELIA
Naked?
Romeo tries to take Ophelia’s hand.
ROMEO
If I profane with my unworthiest
hand...
Ophelia pulls her hand away and SLAPS Romeo in the face.
OPHELIA
’ve heard that one before.
The jokes work better if done straight for the characters POV. Romeo is not staying true to his current character in this exchange.
EXT. VERONA - DAY
Mercutio escorts Rosaline through Verona.
Think limits here. “Verona” is a non-limit. Put them in a part of a city. The market, the baths, the business district. Limit them so their can be a reason for their being there and not just standing in a house or warehouse having the same conversation.
Page 24
Still no turning point or setup or something after 24 minutes. Count Paris is wanting to marry Juliet is not enough of a Spark or change in the events to warrant a good Story.
Montage; not a good thing in a screenplay. leave to editor.
You Introduce Count Paris here but you don’t give him anything other than a swordsman. Again your character is alone which would be strange for a man of means on a horse.
I am going to skip to comment on page 44 now but I wanted to say that so far the good is that your dialog is funny but the movie seems like a remake of George Hamilton’s Zorro.
Page 45.
INT. CAPULET MANOR - DAY
Tybalt, Sampson, and Gregory arm themselves. They leave the manor together.
Why? Why is this scene here?
Please stop with ‘(beat)’s
When he is done, Lord Capulet and Lady Capulet leave with Prince Escalus and everyone else disperses.
Watch your verb tenses as this is not a novel.
Prince Escalus leave with Lord and Lady Capulet. The crowd disperse.
An angry Rosaline grabs the servant’s collar.
ROSALINE
Just do it.
She should be grabbing his nose or ear or crotch because this is Shakespeare.
Page 64.
You might want to put Romeo and Juliet in Shakespeare voice the entire movie as the both crazy would be fun.
And FADE OUT.
Okay it is pretty funny stuff but the Story Arc is not really there. I do like it and I can see the film in my head but I feel I am getting bored while reading it. It just does not have a rhythm of some kind.
It is short. if you take out the 20 pages of unneeded stuff and cleaned it up as is yo would only have about 70 pages of screen play.
The dialog while witty and funny is too much about talking and telling versus showing us the story. Seems almost Television to me.
I do like it. I would pay to see it as a movie or at least rent it as a DVD or download.